06x24 - Awful Bigamy

[bunniefuu]

Hello.

A political poll?

I never have before,
but go ahead, sh**t.

I don't know.

I don't even know
what that means.

Who?

Ohh, right.

I don't know.

Uh, hello?

One moment, Douglas,
I'm making a phone call.

Yeah. I'm already on the
phone, OK? I'm taking a poll.

My apologies.
Carry on.

Sorry about that, guy.
Go ahead.

I don't know.

How could you not know that?

Arthur, would you
just hang up, please?!

Why should I?

The man's conducting
a political poll

and he has a right to speak to
someone who's not an ignoramus!

If you're so smart, why don't you
tell him that you live in my basement?

Why don't you tell him
you're enormous?

Why don't you tell him that your
total salary last year was $ ?!

That was after taxes!

Arthur, just stop talking,
would you, please?

Sorry about that, guy-
hello? Hello?

Get ready to laugh.

Hon, I'm in the middle
of something here, OK?

I'm on my route today, right?

Doug? Mommy's busy.

But this is a really
funny story.

OK, just because I'm doing
this project from home

doesn't mean I'm sitting
around here doing nothing. OK?

My boss wants me to translate

this humongous piece
of real estate jargon crap

into layman's terms so a
jury can understand it, OK?

I don't have time
for your little story.

Mm-hmm, but you did
have time for that story.

Which, by the way,
was a snoozefest.

Please?

Fine.

How many times have I
asked you not to do that?

I'm in my truck, right?
I'm making my stops.

Nothing out of the ordinary,

when I look down at the address
label on my next delivery.

Guess what the guy's name is?

I don't know. What?

Bubka penis.

Gimme a break. That's
not the guy's real name.

Yes, it was.
I asked him for proof.

He showed me
his driver's license.

Doug, nobody's last name
is penis.

Nobody from this
country, snob.

He happens to be from Israel.

Apparently it's like Smith
over there.

OK, so is that it?
Is that your story?

Know what? If you didn't laugh
at a Ralph penis, I'd understand.

But bubka?

Come on in, Holly!

Hey, Arthur, you ready
for your walk?

I've been ready since you
dropped me off on Tuesday.

OK, well, I guess
we should get going, then.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing.
It's no big deal.

Now let's go enjoy
this beautiful day!

I can't shake the feeling

that something's
bothering you.

I'm getting kicked out
of my apartment.

Why?

The guy I was
subletting it from,

he was living with someone.

Well, now he's starting to think
that maybe he's not gay.

Ugh, it's a whole story.

Where will you go?

I don't know.

Maybe my step-brother's
tool shed.

He's gonna let me know.

Nonsense.

You'll stay here with me
in the basement

till you find a new place.

No. No, I couldn't.

There'll be
no hanky-panky.

To be honest,

the whole dog-walker thing
is a pretty big turn-off.

Let me just ask the kids.

Holly's getting kicked out
of her apartment.

Can she stay with us?

Well, dad, it's, uh,
kind of hard to say no

when she's standing
feet away from us.

She's in a different room!

OK, not really
a different room

when you can wave
to her from this one.

I'll take that as a yes.

Are you coming down
for breakfast?

No. I have
too much to do.

You got to have breakfast.

Honey, I'm fine.
Just go ahead.

What's happening here, baby?

Well, Holly's gonna
be down there and...

I'll have to...

Talk to her.

So? You talk to her
all the time.

No. I say hello
and good-bye,

but now we'll be
just sitting there eating

and it'll be, like, "hey,
what's the deal with milk?"

So then don't talk to her.

That's more awkward.

Doug, then skip breakfast, OK?

Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

Arthur, I'm gonna
go grab some breakfast!

Okey-doke!

Morning, Doug.

Hey.

I just wanted to say thanks
again for taking me in.

I really appreciate that.

No problem.

Want some cereal?

Sure.

OK.

Heh.

There you go. Yeah.

Cereal.

It's what it's all about.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Arthur! Come on up
for breakfast, buddy!

You know I can't start my day
without my scoops of Artie!

I don't know what that means,
but it sounds terrifying!

Funny thing happened to me
the other day at work.

Really? What?

I delivered a package to
this guy named bubka penis.

Hands up!
Hands up! Hands up!

There you go.

Oh, man, I am sorry.

That was just-
that was so funny.

D- don't apologize.
It was funny.

God, funny things
must happen to you

all the time on your job.

Oh, they do. They do.
Here. Have some more cereal.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, you, uh,
coming down for breakfast?

Nah.

OK.

Hey.
Hey.

What you doing?

Oh, I got up early, so I
thought I'd make some breakfast,

just a little thank-you
for having me.

Would you like some pancakes,
eggs, and hand-cut bacon?

Yes, yes, and...

Hell, yes.

Well, it'll be ready
in just one second.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's kinda gross, right?

I'll give bucks
if you can finish it.

Get out!

Wow! You the man.

I don't know if I
have bucks on me.

Ooh, I do have
this arby's coupon.

That's as good as cash
in this house.

Great.
Well, have a seat.

I've got a lot
of food coming up.

I hope you're hungry.

OK.
All right.

Here you go.

Oh, hey, you want me
to wheel the TV in

so you can watch
while you eat?

Hey, you coming down
for dinner?

So-ahh.
There you go.

Oh, man.

Heh heh.

I'm so frickin' uptight.

I can't get anything done.

Let's have sex.

Thanks, baby.

Hope you like chocolate!

Hey. Just wanted
to let you know

you're doin'
a great job up here.

Thanks, honey.
Mmm.

I just want you to know,
you down here,

it's working out great.

Well, thanks, Doug.

Do you want your morning
coffee on the sofa today?

Why not?

I'm tellin' ya, it's great.

If I want somebody
to laugh at my stories,

cook for me, be nice to me,

I got Holly on this floor.

If I want someone
to have sex with,

yell at the phone company,

tell me when to take a shower,

I got Carrie up thar.

Upstairs wife,

downstairs wife,

happy.

You're full of it.

You don't believe it?
Check this out.

This came wet today.

So?
So...

Carr!

Paper boy threw the paper
in the sprinklers!

What?! I'm gonna k*ll
that little bastard!

Thank you, upstairs wife.

And as far as this mess
is concerned-hey, Hol?

Yeah, Doug? Yeah, this
paper came wet today,

and I kind of wanted
to read the sports section.

Well, let me blow-dry that for you.

Thank you, downstairs wife.

My nipples are hard.

This is disgusting!

This is an insult to Carrie.

She's the woman you vowed

to spend the rest
of your life with.

Look, if I had to
choose one of them,

I'd probably choose her.

You do have to choose!

Mmm, not at the moment. Ohhh.

Why are you so lucky? I
mean, I bust my hump all day.

I got kids.
Do I get an extra wife?

No. That goes
to the white man.

This is not just good
for me, all right?

This Sunday, the fight
on pay-per-view?

We can all watch it here

'cause Carrie's gonna be
upstairs in her office.

So we can smoke
all the stogies we want.

Plus, Holly knows a guy
who can get us Cubans.

OK, those are illegal.

I've-I've had it.

You guys
don't respect marriage

or trade embargoes.

So, any requests
for fight night?

'Cause Holly
can make anything.

I say we go with,
like, a taco bar.

Holly will probably be
circulating around here

with hors d'oeuvres, so
no one's gonna go hungr--

hey. Can I help you?

I finished my report. What?

Yeah. I worked
so hard this week,

and then I finished early,

so for the rest of the weekend

it's just you and me
on the couch, buddy.

Y- you mean, this couch
down-down here?

Yeah. Just do me a favor
and look this over,

make sure it's not
too complicated, OK?

'Kay, not sure
if I like work boots

on the coffee table, OK?

Uh, sorry.
Thank you.

Uh, hon, is this supposed
to be understandable

to regular people?

Yeah. Why?

Well, like this part here:

"The jurors should only
consider evidence

germane to the issues
at hand."

What?!
What?

I'm totally lost here. What,
are you suing Jermaine Jackson?

Is he suing you?
What's goin' on?

Oh, come on, you gotta be
kidding me. I'm serious.

Look at this thing.
It's full of big words.

"Litigation",

"facade", "Constantine."

That's the defendant's
last name.

OK, you're being an imbecile.

All right, well, if you don't
have any imbeciles on your jury,

I think you're gonna be fine.

Oh, the jury's gonna
be full of imbeciles.

The smart people
get out of jury duty.

Now I have to do this
whole report over again.

Oh, gosh. I'll
walk you upstairs, baby.

Here we go.
There you are.

Hey, and if you get
a little stressed out,

you just give me a holler.

So, anyway, I'm sure you're
comfortable here and all,

but, you know, if you ever
need a change of scenery,

we got plenty of room
in our apartment.

That's really sweet
of you. Actually--

uh, Hol, could you
go into the kitchen

and see how we're doing
mini-donut-wise?

Oh, I think we
have boxes left.

Thinking isn't knowing.

You're right.

What the hell are you doin'? Nothin'.

You're trying to steal
my downstairs wife.

You don't even
have a downstairs!

So?

Sh-she'll be futon wife.

Look, I'm just
lookin' for someone

to iron my shirts
without bitching about it.

Look, I'll see you
Sunday. Come on.

And you, too. Let's go.
What did I do?

I look at you,
and I see trouble.

And if you look over here,

you'll see this one's
perfect for you.

It's a lovely one-bedroom
with a kitchenette.

Hey! It looks really nice.

What's, uh-
what's goin' on here?

Oh, Arthur found me
some apartments.

Oh, and we do have
boxes of mini-donuts left.

Great, great. Uh, could
you go into the garage

and check out the diet
Dr. Pepper situation?

I think we've got
about case--

oh. Thinking
isn't knowing.

Here, let me go check.

Hey, guy.

You were the one who
wanted Holly to stay here.

Why are you rushin' her out?

This roommate thing's
not for me.

Spitting out our toothpaste
at the same time

was only cute once.

Are you kidding me?
That sounds adorable.

Hell, it's cute enough
just watching you do it.

Sorry. She's history.

OK, you listen up and
you listen good, old man.

I got a good thing goin'
with Holly down here

and Carrie upstairs, OK?

So you just forget about
all this apartment stuff.

But I want Holly out.

Yeah, well, I want
Holly to stay.

I guess we'll just
have to agree to disagree.

Well, why don't we agree
that I'm very big

and you're very brittle?

I could get on board with that. Yeah.

So here's how it's
gonna go down-whoa!

It's a little early for
a break, huh, little lady?

Oh, I'm just gonna
get some coffee.

Oh, I'll make you coffee.

That's what I'm here for.

You go get back
up in that zone.

Get in the zone, girl!

You get up there!

Wha-cha!

OK, I got decaf, regular,

a few slices of Turkey,
some tampons,

and the Seabiscuit DVD
with extras.

You're all set here.

Um, thanks?

Hey, thank you for being you.

All right, I gotta scoot.

What are you doing?

I'm just seeing if the door
can lock from the outside.

Why would the door lock
from the outside?

I know. It's crazy.

OK, be productive!

Oh, how did
those mormons do it?

Boy, your downstairs wife really
knows her way around a Chimichanga.

Tequila sh*ts, boys!

Ohh!
Mmm.

I just love
the smell of cigars.

Something about it
just makes me wanna bake.

Doug, great party.
Oh, thanks, man.

I wanna introduce you
to my sister Melinda.

Hi. Thanks
for having me.

It's the least I could do with
you having to go through life

with this guy as your brother.

Ah, watch it. You wanna
stay on Melinda's good side.

She does P.R.
for Nassau coliseum.

Yeah. If you ever
want tickets to anything,

just give me a call.

Coliseum wife?

Do I dare?

Ohh!

Hey, you like the seats?
Oh, they're great!

Any chance I can do
that Zamboni thing?

Stop by the locker room later,

and I'll introduce you
to some of the players.

'Kay.

Coliseum wife,

you're my favorite.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Doug.

No, no, no, I--

I understand.

Well, I mean, if she's gonna
introduce you to the players,

you gotta stay.

No, no, don't worry about me.

OK. Bye.

Hey.
Hey.

Everything OK?
Oh, no, no, it's fine,

except I spent all day
making Doug's favorite dishes,

and now they're just
gonna sit here and get cold,

but does he care? No, no!

Because he's with some girl
at his precious hockey game!

Shouldn't I be the one
who's upset about this?

Actually, yeah.

What-what's
goin' on here?

Open your eyes, you fools!
The man has wives!

Hey, Hol,
something smells great!

Carr, your lovah-man's
comin' upstairs,

so prepare yourself
for-oh.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, I-I know emotions

are running high right now,

but let me just say this:

Coliseum wife?

She's gone.

'Cause this here,
this is what works, huh?

OK, I'm gonna
go check into a hotel.

I'm sorry I didn't show up
at the game, Melinda.

I- I ran into a thing
here at home.

No, I know you went to a lot of
trouble, and I appreciate that.

Let me make it up to you. Can you
get me tickets for next Tuesday?

Oh, come on, baby, don't
be like that. I love you.