03x05 - Episode 5

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Witless". Aired: April 2016 to January 2018.
"Witless" centers on two flatmates whose lives are thrown into disarray after witnessing a gangland sh**ting. They find themselves whisked into witness protection, given new identities and left to fend for themselves in a grubby flat Swindon. Staying undercover doesn’t prove easy.
Post Reply

03x05 - Episode 5

Post by bunniefuu »

This programme contains some violent
scenes and very strong language.

Quavers, the lad who sh*t the grass,
got himself nicked. Get him gone.

Leanne, what the f*ck?
How have you found me?

The Tudor banquet, it's a trap.

It's this Tudor banquet thing...

I've just got a bad
feeling about it.

Your hunch? f*cking bang-on, son.

We're going to ambush the ambush,
have a f*cking big bonfire.

It's locked. It's Whelan, he knows.

Oh, look at that lads!
Sweet justice!

Burn, you f*ck, burn!

Oh, look at that, lads!
Burn, you f*ck, burn!

Right, I'm going to treat you
all to tapas.

But you never had them
other things, no?

Er, no. Well, basically they're
just like f*cking chips

and spicy ketchup,
but they're f*cking lovely.

Hands where I can see 'em, boys.



Patrick, mate, your hunch,
f*cking bang-on, son.

Yeah? The banquet,
f*cking Erdems are behind it.

Get yourself down here now,
all f*cking hands on deck here now,

we're going to ambush the ambush
and have a f*cking big bonfire.


I'm sorry. I never was.

I'm not pregnant.

I never was.

Leanne didn't know anything.

We really did think she was
pregnant, I made her keep it up,

she didn't want to.

Look, are you out of your mind?
I... We can't talk.

I know, I know,
but please just listen.

I know you're back in the g*ng.

I know you're back in the g*ng.

I've gone back to an old
line of work.

I'm doing things that aren't
strictly legal.

Oh, you poor poppet.
Nurses are so undervalued.

Nurses are so undervalued.

Of course I still want to
talk to you, I'm your friend.

You are clearly a very talented,
sensitive, good-hearted young man.

I fell in love, Patrick, with a man
who was a master of the craft.


Shit, Leanne. Shit!

Come on, come on, come on.
Answer. Pick up, pick up.

Leanne, it's Patrick. I know this is
you, call me urgently, please.

Come on, come on, come on. Reply.


f*ck it.

Wilton, Wilton, there you are.

Right, front desk now. There's
someone here wants to talk to us,

you're not going to be

Can't you do it?
I'm snowed under here.

Well, this is big.
Well, so is this.

Someone's written "twat" on
the cenotaph.

Right, yeah.

Well, that's horrible,
my grandad served.

But, seriously, you're going to
want to talk to this person.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Right, then, I'm going to treat you
all to tapas.

Police! Stand back!

Police! Stand back!

Freeze! On the floor!

Hands where I can see 'em, boys.

Joseph Whelan...

..I'm arresting you for arson
and conspiracy to m*rder

for a start-off.

You don't have to say anything,
but it may harm your defence if you

do not mention when questioned
something which you

later rely on in court. Mother had
the f*cking gift, did she?

Anything you do say may be
given in evidence. Look at me.

Do you understand?

f*cking look at me, you c**t!

Do you understand?

f*cking look at me!

Drop your w*apon!

No, you f*cking bastards!

That were a good man, that.

Hands in the air, nobody move.

Right, sign these.

What's this? It's a legally binding
waive of your right to sue us

for giving your names to the
Whelan g*ng.

Okey-dokey. What? No.

And in return, I won't ask what
the hell you were planning to do

in that building tonight.

OK, fair enough. So do I sign?
Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sure you're keen to find out
what today's events mean for you.

An informant from the Whelan
g*ng came forward,

providing extensive information,
including the tip-off about today.

Whelan himself was sh*t whilst
trying to resist arrest.

He was pronounced d*ad at the scene.

Now, obviously, as police, that's
not a result we celebrate,

we'd want to see him
have his day in court.

Are you drinking Champagne?


It's Cava.

Er, crucially, we've assessed
your risk levels

and the team feels it's now
safe for you both to go home.

Thank you. Oh!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God, we're going home.

It's over, ladies. Thank you.

You're more than welcome.

Can we have some fizz?


DC Wilton, it was Patrick,
wasn't it? Sorry?

The informant. It was
Patrick Daniels, I know it was...

I'm sorry, I'm not able to confirm
or deny if it was...

I know, I know
but I just want to thank him.

Well, I'm afraid that's
not possible.

Whoever it is... Patrick.

That informant is now
himself in witness protection.

Oh, of course.

He would've known about that.

Oh, I'm sorry Leanne.

You were right about him.

And on the eighth count of m*rder,
how do you plead?

Guilty, Your Honour.

And on the ninth count of m*rder,
how do you plead?

Guilty, Your Honour.

Now, what I was thinking we could do
with Pepe today

is just take a bit off to frame
his face

and soften the shoulders a bit.

Yeah, just make sure you clip
the shite from round its arse, love.



Rhona, hi.

So now, right,
as well as my own commission,

I'll be getting . % on everything
my sub team does, yeah?

What about outside work?
Do you have any hobbies?

Yeah, I do have a hobby, actually.

Well, passion, really.

Don't tend to talk about it, though,

because some people
do extract the Michael.

Oh, yeah? Well, tell me about it.

Well, I am an absolute nutter...

..for F .

So, which one do I press?

This one. Which one?

AV . Why does it say AV ?

I thought it was BT Vision.

It just does. Just press it.

You're doing great,
just stick with it.

Thank you.

Here you go.

God, it feels like ages
since we've seen each other.

So much has happened.
Yeah, I know, right.

Doesn't it seems weird now
that just a matter of weeks ago

we were genuinely participating in a
plot to k*ll a man with a hammer?

You know what? I like to see a job
get done as much as the next person,

but I'm actually glad
we didn't have to see that.

Agreed. Cheers. Cheers.

So how's things?

Yeah, good. Good.

It's funny being back at work.
It feels like I haven't been away.

Yeah. Got my tickets booked

for this year's internal audit
conference. Yawn.

No, it's a bit of a piss-up.

Watch out, Excel Centre.

Oh, I got an offer
accepted on a flat.

Oh, amazing.

Yeah, I'm pretty psyched.

Anyway, how about you? Good, yeah.

Work's good, um...

You know it's nice to see
the dogs again,

you know, the non-biters, you know,

and I've got, um,
a bra-fitting booked,

because, you know, you should...
you should, you know, ever year.

Leanne... Leanne, what's wrong?

I don't know, I'm sorry.

Come on.

I know it sounds mad, but...

..I wish we were still in wit pro.
What? Why?

Because I don't want to be
Leanne Stubbs again.

Like, I prefer Mystique,

or Julie Evans, salesperson of
the month.

They were exciting interesting
people and they did cool stuff

and people liked them.

Leanne Stubbs is just
bloody Leanne Stubbs.

Yeah, but those people were
Leanne Stubbs, though.

Oh, you know what I mean.

Well, no, I don't.

You did those things, Leanne.

People liked you.

Do you know what I think?

I think, in some weird way,
witness protection was good for you

because it made you start again,

and turns out you're good at that.

I guess so.

Like, really good.

So you can do it again,

and I don't think you need the
thr*at of impending assassination

to do it.

You can do whatever you want,

Believe me.

Well, what do I want?

I don't know, what do you want?


Prince has had an accident. Can you
bring me the mop and the poo towel?

Paula, I'm not coming in tomorrow.

What? Why not?

Or the day after that.
What are you talking about?

I'm leaving. What?

I'm sorry. Don't worry about
paying me for the week.






Hi, sorry, I was actually
looking for DC Wilton?

Transferred out the borough.

Promoted. And why not?
She's...she's a great detective.

So am I.

I'm a man and I've got rather
a pale hue,

and that's really
unfashionable at the moment.

OK. Er, well, look,
you might remember me,

I was one of the witnesses
to the Parson's Lane sh**ting?

I'm a police detective, love.

I deal with a lot of sh**t.

Right, but you do remember
this one?


OK, well, look, the thing is,
I'm seriously worried.

My friend, the other witness,
she's gone missing

and I'm just really frightened
that something's happened to her.

Missing, how? Well, she's not
responding to my texts,

um, I went round to her flat
and there was no-one there,

so I looked through the letterbox
and there's just piles of...

Yeah, yeah, um, you see me,
deal with crime.

This...not crime.


Hey, um...

Do you like Italian food?

No, not that, that's for the gravy.

Those sprouts done, Rhona?

Mm? The sprouts, Rhona?
Are you keeping an eye on them?

Yeah. Sorry, a couple of minutes.

OK, my go, is it?

Film. The Spy Who Loved Me.

How did you know that?

Because you do it every year, Dad.

Mum, your turn, not Love Actually.


OK. It's three words.

You're meant to sign it, dear,
not tell us.

Oh, well, I've said it already now,
it's three words.

No, that's syllables.

Right. Three words, film.


It's A Wonderful Life.


Four words,
It's A Wonderful Life is four words.

Is it? Oh, yes.

I'll blame it on the sherry.
You go, Rhona.
Post Reply