09x01 - Mama Cast

[bunniefuu]

Bad news.

Yeah, if it's about being
out of mini donuts,

I'm aware, and I'm not happy.

No, you know how I'm supposed
to show those model homes today?

I've been talking about
it for the last weeks

so I can finally prove
myself to Mr. Kaufman.

My boss?

OK.

Anyway, I totally forgot.

We're supposed to meet with
Steve, our financial adviser.

Do you ever listen
to me when I talk?

Do you? You're really boring,
I gotta tell you.

Doug, I really need you
to listen to me right now.

All right, I'll
give it a whirl. Go.

I need you to take
our tax refund check

and sit with Steve and
talk about investments.

Wouldn't I be more useful
doing something I'm good at,

like soda shopping
or lying down?

Come on. I need you to take
an interest in our finances.

Now, there's a bunch
of investments here.

I'm sure you can find something
you can get excited about, OK?

Tell Steve I'm sorry
I couldn't make it.

Who's Steve?

Our financial guy.

I'm kidding.
I'm joking around.

You weren't joking, were you?

No, I wasn't.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to be
showing a model home.

No, this is it.
Come on in.

The kids and I are just
watching the -year-old virgin.

It's raunchy, but doggone,
it sure is funny.

Carrie, good, you're here.

Uh, Mr. Kaufman.

Who are these people?

They're professional actors
pretending to be a family.

Oh, OK.

Question answered.

It's called home staging.

When potential buyers see a
family living in the house,

it helps them envision
themselves living here.

Excuse me, Carrie.

Hello.

Oh, damn it.

All right.
I'll take care of it.

It's bad news.

Our mom isn't showing up.
She just booked a C.S.I.

All right. Well, single
dad. Nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong with the
breakdown of the American family?

You know, we are really
not here today, are we?

Carrie...

You've gotta be the mom.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I am much better at selling.

Besides, I am way too young to be
playing someone with kids that age.

I think you can
get away with it.

Wealth building annuities.

That's stupid.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

He's saving my place.

Hey, no back cutsies.
Everybody knows that.

Believe this guy?

Unbelievable.

Yeah.

Yeah, can I get an eskimo pie

and an orange push pop?

I like the push pop.

You gotta work to get it.

A lot of people don't want to
put in the time, but not this guy.

Hurray for you.
That's . .

You really, uh,
you really selling this truck?

Sure am.
My name's Cal.

Would you, uh...

Would you say this is a, uh...

Good investment?

Good enough to buy me
a condo in Florida.

Huh.

Come on.
I had a really hard day.

Just keep your
eyes closed. Come on.

All right, get ready.

OK.

And open 'em.
Ta-da!

Please tell me there's an ice
cream man using our bathroom.

Oh, there's an ice cream man,

but he's not using
our bathroom.

He's standing right here.

Where I am.
What I'm saying,

I'm the ice cream man.
I am.

What?

I took our refund check
and I bought this truck.

Doug, you threw away $ , .

You told me to invest in
something I'd be excited about.

Well, guess what?
I'm excited.

Yeah, I bet you are excited.

How much of it
did you eat already?

None, OK?

That's rule one
in the ice cream game.

You don't get high
on your own supply.

Oh, my god. I think
it's really gonna happen.

I'm actually gonna
k*ll you this time.

Would you stop? I thought
this out, believe me.

I get done with
my IPS route at : ,

and then I hit the
streets in this bad boy.

You don't know anything
about the ice cream business.

I'm on top of it.
I looked at his books.

I saw his
profit margin. Huh?

I got a list
of all his suppliers.

It's gonna work.

Yes.
Really?

Carrie, I'm telling you,

you're gonna be
proud of me. I swear.

I don't know, maybe... maybe
this could be your thing.

This is definitely my thing.

Now, come on.
Let's ride this truck

to an early retirement, huh?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

And you wanted
to marry a doctor.

Hey, who wants to play
a board game?

I do, daddy.

Sounds great.

How about you, honey?

I'm OK. Thanks.

All right. You guys
pick out a game.

I'm gonna make us
some popcorn.

OK.

Uh, you know, Carrie,

we were hired to act
like a family here.

And mom is reading a magazine,

and then she's gonna go
outside and have a cigarette.

Oh, let's play Monopoly.

Nah. I want outburst.

I don't wanna play outburst.

Because you suck
at it, dumb-ass.

Hey, the casting director said
you weren't allowed to curse.

Well, if you weren't a
dumb-ass, I wouldn't have to.

You quit it. Brace-face.
OK, quit it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I just read the same
sentence times,

and I still don't know how
Heidi Klum lost the baby weight.

Now quit the yapping.

But he cursed at me.

OK, listen...

Charlotte, yes.
Charlotte.

He's only doing that
to push your buttons,

so stop letting it bother you,

and... boy...

Kenny.

Kenny will stop
doing it, all right?

Now here's how
it's gonna go down.

- You're gonna play Monopoly...
- But--

You're gonna play Monopoly.

Yeah, that's right. That's
for the dumb-ass comment.

Hey! And if you
want to roll your eyes,

you can roll 'em
right up those stairs,

'cause I ain't having that
down here, buddy.

OK, you come with the house?

I'm sorry. What?

If you can handle my kids
the way you handled those two,

I'd come in at over
asking price.

Ah, thank you.
You're welcome.

Oh, all right.
I'll play.

All right. You got a fudgesicle,
some gummy rolls, and a b*mb pop.

Now, you're not
driving, are you?

Ice cream and comedy.
Tell your friends.

All right, man, step up.

I'll have a vanilla
drumstick, please.

Excuse me.

Drumstick?

Oh, yeah. That's the guy
that usually has this spot.

Oh?

Yeah, well, you know, you
snooze, you lose, right?

Hey, it's me. You're
probably not home yet.

Just wanted to let you know
I reeled in about $ today

and a hello kitty notebook.

Susie was
a little low on cash.

All right.
See you later.

Oh, you wanna go?

Let's go.

Dammit!

What's happening?

Fresh baked cookies.

Wow.

Those smell great.

Hey, how'd you do
on that science test?

.

.

All right.
Go hit the books, buddy.

When you get those grades up,

we'll talk about
getting you that dirt bike.

Hey, char-char.
You want some cookies, babe?

OK. Sure.

Hey, you.

Is everything OK?

I don't know.

There's this really
cute boy in school.

Michael?

Yeah.

But he likes Donna Pisani.

Well, just make him
like you instead.

How?

Well, you just start a nasty
rumor about the other girl.

You know, she's a skank
or she's poor.

Could be anything really.

And before you know it, you'll
be wearing his varsity jacket.

Really?

Yeah. How do you think
I landed your dad?

Bob, I think it's time to
take somebody bra shopping.

Oh, my god.

Aw, come on.

Yahtzee!

Here you go.
Candy necklace, huh?

Who's that for,
your girlfriend?

No, it's for me.

Hey, that's OK, too.

All right, I gotta take
a little bathroom break,

so who wants to watch
the truck?

Yeah, ain't gonna happen.

Bones, you.
Get up there.

Sheesh!

Oh, good.
You're home.

Hey, what do we have
w*apon-wise?

I don't know. Listen,
I want to talk to you.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You know how I've been working

at this model home
the last couple days?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well... oh, my god.

I'm kind of embarrassed
to even say it out loud.

Wiffleball bat. What the
hell am I gonna do with that?

But, look, I know it's not
real and I'm just pretending,

but I'm actually
starting to enjoy it.

I like being a mom.

I like having a husband who
tucks his shirt in, you know?

I like having a skylight
over the sink.

Doing dishes...

It's a Joy.

I know I'm not crazy.
I'm not.

But it's just that it's
getting harder and harder

not to fall into
this fantasy and-

what are you doing?

I'm kicking ass
and taking names.

Doug, I am trying
to talk to you here.

I'm happy in the model home,

happier than I am here.

I'm falling in love
with my fake family.

Quick, get down!

What is going on?

I'm being stalked
by Mr. Soft Serve.

What?

Don't worry.

He's got the upper hand now,

but I'm thinking on it,

and soon the hunter's
gonna become the hunted.

Yeah.

Doug?

I need you to give me
a reason to stay.

I gotta pee again.

Keep low.

OK.

Next time, check
for the big open door.

There they are.

Oh.

Hey, Carrie.

Hey, fun idea.

Today at lunch, let's all
get matching shirts.

Actually, I already
have lunch plans.

Oh. Well, change 'em, baby.
Come on.

We have to spend time
as a family.

Before you know it, you guys are
gonna be out of the house and...

Stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.

Hey, save some room,

'cause I'm making
blueberry muffins.

Bob...

Who's that woman?

Uh, this is Cheryl.

Casting sent her over,
so you're off the hook.

What?

Hey, Carrie.

Oh, Mr. Kaufman.

I guess they sent over
another mom,

but you know what?
Actually, I'm fine doing it.

That's all right, Carrie.

I came to take you
back to the office.

Mr. Kaufman,
I'm not a quitter.

Hon, why don't you
give me back the apron.

Oh, that's OK.

No. Give it back to me
or I'm gonna take you down.

Yes? Carrie, I really think...

No. Mr. Kaufman,
this is not fair to Bob,

especially
Charlotte and Kenny,

to change moms like this.

I mean, you don't have to be Oprah
to know that's gonna mess 'em up.

The truth is...

You're being replaced because

they complained about you.

What?

I'll wait for you in the car.

So you did this?

It's just...

You made us feel
a little uncomfortable,

you know, with the kisses
and the family naps.

And you guys are OK with this?

I mean, you want her to
be the mom and not me?

Uh-huh.

You were cool until you
kind of went all nutbar.

Did I go nutbar,
Kenny? Really?

Because you didn't think
I went nutbar

when I got that
splinter out for you.

And you had no problem
with the nutbar

when I was doing
your math homework.

I got a check minus minus.

That is not the point, OK?

The point is everything
I did I did with love.

And this is the thanks I get?
Well, that's fine, OK?

If this is what you want,
then forget it, OK?

No more cookies, no more
advice, and no more of this.

Yeah, Bob, you didn't think I
caught you enjoying that view?

Because I did.

Carrie...

I'm gay.

How much more
am I supposed to take?

I can only give you $ , .

But I paid you , .

Fine.

Hey, kid.

Yeah?

Catch.

Thanks.

Hey, this truck
really for sale?

Sure is.

My name is Cal.
Pleased to meet you.

You know, it's a great
little investment.

It got me a condo in Florida.

A condo? Nice.

Fresh baked cookies.

So sweet. Mmm.

You still wanna play Monopoly?

I'm gonna go have a cigarette.