09x02 - Affair Trade

[bunniefuu]

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

I think somebody's
into me.

What?

Look what she gave me.
She gave me pretzels.

Look at what everyone
else has...peanuts.

So?

So I was in here
the other day.

I told her I was
allergic to peanuts.

And Sienna
remembered.

That doesn't mean she's
into you, all right?

That means she doesn't want to
have to open your throat with a pen.

You know what?
Just face it, Danny.

The pretty lady bus has just
pulled in to Spenceville.

Come on, you got
to choose.

All right, fine.

Um, I guess I'd
rather have

my feet cut off.

So you're gonna go no feet
instead of no hands.

All right. How are
you gonna walk?

I don't know, man.
You said I had to pick one.

I know. But the obvious
choice is hands.

I mean, you need feet
to be able to move around.

You have feet and you
don't move around.

This is what I get for trying to have
a serious conversation with you.

We'd better get going or
we'll be late for the movie.

Oh, I'm not gonna be late
because I got feet.

Good luck getting there
on your ankle nubs, yeah.

You all set?

Uh, yup.

And this is for you.

Oh, thanks.

Let me get you
some change.

Oh, no sweat. Keep it.

Hey! Thank you
very much.

How much did you
give her?

I don't know.
Five bucks.

Five?!

I only gave her two,

and our checks were
exactly the same.

Hey, man, I used
to be a waiter, all right?

I know what it's like
to serve idiots like you.

You made me look bad
in front of Sienna.

No. I think the thing hanging out of
your nose b*at me to the punch.

The movie really
got me thinking.

I mean, why aren't there people
living on Mercury right now?

Well, for one thing,
it's degrees.

We'd burn up in,
like, two seconds.

No. If we're wearing,
like, special suits,

like Nick Nolte
and Martin Lawrence.

P.S., they'd be great in "The Doug
and Deacon Story."

Oh. I got two messages.

[ Carrie ]: It's me. Listen,
real quick,

there's a pie
in the fridge.

It's for
my book club.

Please don't
touch it.

Doug...

please. Bye.

We'll see.

[ Woman ]: Hi.

I hope this is the
Doug Heffernan

I met in the Hamptons.
It's Jessica.

I can't stop thinking
about last weekend.

How good
you smelled,

how your
lips tasted,

about what we did
on the beach.

[ Jessica chuckles ]

Anyway, you got my number.
Give me a call.

Talk to me, player.

Is it possible I
blacked out...

went to the Hamptons...

and let a very hot
girl taste me?

I'm guessing no, but what
was that about? Damn!

I don't know.

I guess there's another
Doug Heffernan.

She probably got my
number by mistake.

I got to erase that, though.
Carrie can't hear that.

What for? You
didn't do anything.

No. Trust me. She's got quite
a jealous streak going.

If she hears that...

[ chuckling ]
Okay, okay.

I'm serious, man.
Once I was in a supermarket

and another girl
just looked at me.

Carrie b*at her
with a cantaloupe.

So I never got this message,

and I never got
the one about the pie.

Let's go.

[ telephone rings ]

Hello.

Doug?

Yeah.

Hi. It's Jessica
from the Hamptons.

I hope you remember me.

Uh, yeah. Actually,
I'm glad you called.

You are?

Yeah. Look, you know what?
It was not me who was with...

Hey, who's that?

Uh, my mom.

Oh! Good. I need to get
her credit card number

if she still wants those
theater tickets.

Okay, yeah. No, I'll...
I'll tell her.

I got it. Excuse me.

Sorry about that.

[ Jessica ]: That's okay, sexy.
You're worth waiting for.

Listen, I just want you to know,
I'm not the guy who you...

Your voice sounds
deeper on the phone.

Really? Because I'm just
talking, you know, normally.

I mean.

Hey. Did you get
the credit card number?

Oh, no, I didn't. I can't get
a word in edgewise.

You know my mom.
She's so crazy.

[ Jessica ]: Listen, it sounds like I
caught you at a bad time.

I...I'll just call
back later.

No, no, no. No,
no. It's fine.

Well? You mean no like
you said on the beach? Mm!

You know what? Just tell her
that I'll put the tickets

- on my credit card.
- Oh, okay.

Okay. I...I'll do it.

[ Jessica ]: You have a great
night, sexy. Love you.

Okay. Love you,
too. Okay.

Mom, mom, mom.

[ telephone rings ]

Hello.

Hello?

That's the third hang up
this morning.

Really?

Yeah. Twice while
you were in the shower.

Listen, tell your girlfriends
to at least wait

until I've gone to work.

[ exaggerated
laughter ]

[ Deacon ]: Hey, Car.

- Have a good one.
- All right.

She called again.

Who?

Jessica. She hung up on Carrie
times this morning.

Well, how do you know
for sure it was her?

Trust me. It's her.
She's obsessed with me.

You mean, with the other
Doug Heffernan.

No. With me, too.
Okay, she called last night,

and, well, we talked.

Well, why didn't you tell her
you weren't the same guy?

I tried, but Carrie was
standing right there.

Well, so now she thinks you are the
Doug Heffernan she slept with?

Yes. And I may have
told her I love her.

Wow. You know, for someone
who did nothing wrong,

you've dug yourself
quite a hole here.

[ telephone rings ]

Oh, good. I hope
that's her.

Hello.

Hi, sexy.

Jessica. It's Jessica.

Yeah, yeah.
I got that.

Hey, uh, I'm...I'm
glad you called.

Um, look, this whole thing kind
of got out of control here,

But the bottom line, I'm not
the same person you were with

in the Hamptons.

That night
changed me, too.

No, no, no, no.
You don't understand.

It's not me. I don't...
I don't even know you.

What? What's going
on here, Doug?

Last night you tell
me you love me,

and then this morning some strange
woman answers your phone

and suddenly you
don't know me?

Yes. So we're good?

Look, Doug,
don't play games.

If this was only an one-night
thing for you, just say so

and you'll never hear
from me again.

No, it's not that...

Just say it!

It was a one-night
thing for me.

[ sobbing ]: Oh, God. I
knew it, I knew it!

Oh, hey, come on.
Don't cry. Come on.

No! Look, it's not you.

It's...it's...it's me.

What?

[ incredulously ]
Yeah, right.

Look, you're
an awesome person,

and one day, you're gonna find
someone just as good as me.

Well, I guess I'm lucky to have
had at least one night with you.

No, Jessica,
we're both lucky.

Now, you go have
yourself a great life.

Bye.

I just need a minute.

-ball, side pocket.

Yup. You got to be happy
with what you got, Deac.

What do
you mean?

Kelly. Love
your wife, man.

I do love my wife.

That's good. That's good.
You should love her.

Yeah, because I'm not taking
Carrie for granted any more.

I learned my lesson.

What lesson?
You didn't cheat.

Well, we didn't have sex
in the traditional sense.

You didn't have
sex in any sense.

Sounds like
somebody wishes

they got the wrong message
on their machine.

Okay, so I'm gonna
leave her $ ,

and I'm thinking you
should stiff her.

What? No, I'm not
stiffing her.

Oh, come on. You owe me
one, Mr. Big Tipper.

And by the way,
I talked to my mom.

% is very generous
for beverages.

You know what? This whole
thing is really stupid,

and I'm not gonna do it.

Oh, I see what's
happening.

What are you
talking about?

You over-tipped on purpose
because you're afraid

if I hook up with someone,
I'm gonna move out

and you're gonna be
all alone.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's what I did,

because I'd hate to
come home every night

not seeing you do
Pilates in a half-shirt.

Hey, look, that's
not the point.

The point is, ever
since the holidays,

you've become more
and more possessive.

And other people
have noticed.

- Oh, have they?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, good. Sienna,
I'm ready.

Okay, the bill
for me is . .

Here's .
Keep the change.

Ah, thank you very much.

Uh, okay, well, um,
this is for the food.

And, uh, here's a little
something extra for you.

This is a $ bill.

Yup, there's plenty more
where that came from.

I don't know what you
expect in return for this,

but I'm not for sale.

See you at home, lumpy.

Mmm. That feels so good, baby.
What's gotten into you?

Nothing. I just got the greatest
wife in the world

And I want her to know
I appreciate her.

Doug, that is so sweet.

[ telephone rings ]

[ answering machine ]: You've
reached the Heffernan house.

Leave a message.

[ Jessica ]: Hi, Doug.

It's Jessica.

Look, I know I promised
not to call again,

but, um...

I'm having some wine and...

I couldn't help thinking
about last Saturday,

lying naked on the sand.

I still quiver when I think
about being with you.

Oh, God. What am I doing?

I shouldn't have called you.
I'm sorry.

I won't bother you again.
I love you.

Deacon. He is the man of
a thousand voices.

Come on.

What the hell
was that about?

Oh, my God. It's not
what you think, all right?

Look, there's another
Doug Heffernan,

and this girl, she got
the wrong number.

And I tried to tell her I
wasn't that Doug,

but she didn't
believe me,

so I just...I had to break up
with her, and...

that didn't go well because
she's really into me.

Carrie, I swear
to God,

I would never do
anything to hurt you.

I got to throw up.
I swear.

All right, all right.
Listen, calm down.

I believe you.

Really?

Yes. But next time, instead of
being such an idiot,

tell me about it, okay?

Ah, baby, come here.
You're trembling.

- Aw.
- Okay.

All right, honey.

Hey, you're being really cool
about this, you know?

Oh, come on. I knew that there
was no way that could be you.

Uh...

what did you mean
that that couldn't be me?

Oh. Just because I
trust you.

And that message,
I mean, come on! Ha ha!

We weren't even together
Saturday night.

I told you I went bowling,
but I can't even prove that,

because I paid cash, so that very
well could have been me.

That's true. Still.

For God's sakes, my...my shirt was
ripped when I came home, remember?

Yeah. You said you caught
it in the ball return.

And you believed that?

I mean, any reasonable person
would think I cheated on you.

Okay, baby.

[ Jessica on answering machine ]:
I couldn't help thinking

about last Saturday,
lying naked on the sand.

I still quiver when I think
about being with you.

She did not
just say "quiver."

She did.
And Doug was afraid

that I would think
it was him.

I got to say, though, this other Doug
Heffernan sounds pretty amazing.

[ laughing ]
He does!

[ sighs ]

Well, what are you doing?

I'm just gonna google this
guy just for kicks.

You know, when Doug and
I were first engaged,

I was getting
cold feet,

so I went to see this
psychic on Coney Island,

and she said,

"Yes, Doug Heffernan
is the guy you should marry."

I hope I got
the right one.

So you're mad because
she believed you?

Yes. I mean, I give her
some half-assed explanation,

and she accepts it
just like that?

You know what I
should do?

I should go out and
have a real affair

just to show her.

Are you serious?

No. It sounds like
a lot of work.

Oh, God.

What?

The red light's blinking.
That's her again.

It could be anybody.

Oh, please. You're here.
Who else calls me?

[ Answering machine ]:
Hey, Doug Heffernan,

This is Hector...Jessica's boyfriend.
You're dead, you hear me?

Your face is dead.
Your legs are dead.

Your whole body's dead.
You are dead.

Now I'm really starting
to enjoy this.

Shut up, all right? I got to
figure something out here.

I got
to find Jessica,

hook her up with the
other Doug Heffernan,

and get her
boyfriend off my back.

And I got
to tell you,

you're lucky you're not
cursed with this charisma.

Why do I have
to talk to her?

Because it's your fault that she thinks
that I think she's a prost*tute.

Oh, God. I can't wait till you
finally do move out

and I can stop
cleaning up

this mess you call
your personal life.

Yeah, okay, just go. Go.

What can I get you?

Ah, anything on tap.

Actually, I wanted to talk to you
about my friend over there.

What about him?

Well, you know
the $ he gave you?

He really didn't mean
anything bad by it.

It's just the other day when you gave
him pretzels instead of peanuts,

he had this stupid idea
that you liked him.

I do like him.

Come again?

I like him a lot.

You're talking about
that guy right over there?

Yes. Yes.

The reason I got so
upset about the money,

I thought he
didn't respect me.

So you're saying that you could
really get serious with him?

Yeah.

Well, what happens if you guys hit
it off and get a place together?

I mean, what about
his roommate, huh? Huh?

What about the car they share and
the joint checking account?

Um, I don't even know
what to say here.

Excuse me.

So?

Sorry, bro. She
ain't into dudes.

What?!

Yeah. Who wants
to go to Ikea?

Come on!

Yes. Hi. I need to make an
appointment with Dr. Heffernan.

Oh, he is? Okay,
how about next week?

He's booked all month?
Look, I really need to see him.

Is he free for lunch?

Work with me,
Mildred. Please.

All right, could you
send me a picture of him?

No, you're weird.

[ knock on door ]

Yeah, I'm looking for Doug
Heffernan. Does he live here?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, he's been
messing with my girlfriend.

I'm gonna k*ll him.

All right, you know what?
Calm down, Chachi.

Look, you got the wrong
Doug Heffernan, okay?

Here's the address of the
guy you're looking for.

And good luck getting
an appointment.

Actually, you know what? I'm
gonna come with. Hang on.

[ Jessica ]:
Who is it?

It's Doug Heffernan.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!

No, no. Not "Oh, my God."
No, no. It's not what you think it is.

Um, it's just gonna
be a minute.

Oh, God. My place
is a mess.

You know, I wouldn't
clean it. I wouldn't.

Doug? Uh,
where's Doug?

You're gonna get
a kick out of this.

All right, look,
when we get there,

I'm gonna go inside, get a look
at him, see what's what,

and then you can carve
him up like a turkey, all right?

Whoa! Could you watch
the potholes?

I almost poked
my frickin' eye out.

Sorry.

For God's sakes.

And do you understand
how devastated I was

when you broke up
with me?

Hey, it was a bad day
for both of us, okay?

Now, relax. I'm taking you to
the Doug you want.

Yeah, well,
you're only doing it

so that I'll tell my boyfriend
not to kick your ass.

Oh. You mean the boyfriend
you forgot to mention

while we were together?

Look, it's
complicated, okay?

Fine.

So you like
the beach, huh?

Okay, you got
minutes.

Okay, you point that finger at me
again, and I'm gonna break it off.

All right,
let's do this.

Okay.

Carrie?

Hey, listen,
I'm in a rush,

so I'll just see you
back at the house.

Whoa, whoa! I just got
out of my car

with another woman, the same
woman who's been leaving

sexually explicit messages
on the machine, hmm?

All right.
I got to run. Bye.

Wait a second, Car...

I could have just
as easily slept with her.

No, you couldn't.

[ Hector ]: Sure he could.
She'll sleep with anybody.

[ Doug ]: Thank you.
Okay? See that?

She'll sleep with anybody.
Hey, well, you know what?

I'm anybody. Yeah!

[ Carrie ]: Excuse me.

Hey, wait a second.

I know what you've
been up to.

I'm sorry. Yeah, you're
gonna be sorry.

[ Doug ]: What are you
even doing here?

Um, I have a doctor's
appointment.

You're unbelievable.

Well, come on. You've been
having a fake affair all week.

Let me have
a little fun.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh. You're stuck
with this Doug Heffernan,

Not Dr. Quiver. Now,
let's go home. Come on.

Doug, come on.
I've come all this way.

Let me just get one
minute with him.

Nope. I can't have one,
you can't have one.

Oh, please don't hurt him.
Don't hurt him, Hector.

Oh, no, no. I'm not gonna
hurt him, I'm gonna k*ll him.

But, Hector, please!

He's dead.

Oh, God!

Dr. Heffernan,

I think another one of
your women is here.

Oh, that's the one
from the beach.

I'd better go down
the back way.

[ exhales ]

[ Answering machine ]:
Hi. It's Ken.

Uh, I hope this is the Doug Heffernan I
met on Fire Island last Sunday.

Anyway, I'd love to take
you up on that cup of coffee.

Call me.

What's going
on here, Doug?

That you believe?!