05x01 - The Larry David Sandwich

[bunniefuu]

I'm drowning.

I'm gonna die.

And somewhere...
I'm not religious at all...

I said, "God, help me!"

And I'm deposited
right on the beach.

- Oh my golly.
- I went swimming that day

for some reason. Something drew
me to the water.

Why? I don't know.

I was like a baby
drawn to the nipple.

You know?
Or an adult drawn to the nipple.

Either way, right?

- You know what I think?
- Is that divine intervention?

- Unbelievable.
- Is that not divine intervention?

- You know what I think?
- Huh?

- I think this happened for a reason.
- Yes!

Yes, I think so too.
It happened for a reason.

Maybe you'll start
to be more respectful to people,

- treat people better.
- I'm respectful to people.

- Eh, Larry, eh-heh.
- What? "Eh-heh"?

- Fine. Whatever.
- I respect people.

- I'm very nice to people.
- Yeah, fine.

So, anyway, huh?
Amazing?

- Is that amazing?
- Awesome.

True story,
every word!

To life! L'chaim!

- Yeah!
- To life!

Every day is a gift.

Are you going
to temple for the High Holy Days?

- Of course.
- I want to go to temple this year.

- You do?
- Well, yeah.

Given what happened,
don't you think I should?

Yeah, it's a great thing,
but you've got

to get your ticket
six months in advance.

It's a tough ticket
to go to High Holy Days.

Why do you need a ticket
to go to temple? It's crazy!

I'm not saying
I justify it,

but you need a ticket,
and I've got my tickets.

How am I gonna get one?

Um...

You know what?
I'll make some calls,

and if I hook one up
I call you tonight.

- Okay.
- We'll see.

Look at this thing.

You ever see a handle like this
on a cup? What's the point?

- It looks like a pretend teacup.
- Look.

You can't get your index finger
in there. What's the point?

I like watching you
do that.

There was something I want
to tell you... oh!

I went by Leo's
Delicatessen.

You know what's
up on the board?

A brand new sandwich
called the "Larry David."

- What? Get out of here.
- Swear to God.

Swear to God.

Leo named a sandwich after me?
You're kidding!

- Yep yep yep.
- I can't believe it. I'm on the board?

You're on the board.

- What is it?
- Let's see, um...

There's whitefish,
uh, sable,

- uh, capers, onions and cream cheese.
- What? What?

- That's the sandwich?
- Yeah.

- You've got a sandwich!
- That's a disgusting sandwich! Really?

All right, I'm gonna get
something to eat.

- I'll see you in a minute.
- Okay. Look at this.

- Sorry.
- Oh, boy.

Oh my gosh.
Oh, what happened?

He bumped me.

- Did you bump into him?
- No.

You bumped into me.

- You didn't bump into me?
- Larr, please.

- What happened?
- Oh, nothing.

- Ready to go?
- Yeah, you ready?

- Hey.
- What?

- We're gonna take off.
- What? We carpooled with you.

- I'm not ready to leave yet.
- It's enough already.

Larry, what the f*ck?
I'm having fun.

- Jeff, they want to go.
- We want to go.

- You want to go? We carpooled.
- We want to go.

We're not ready
to leave, Jeff.

- He just got his food.
- You'll get a ride.

- If don't get a ride give me a call.
- Fine!

- You'll be hearing from us.
- Yeah, you'll come back and get us.

- I'll come back.
- I believe that.

Oh, Larry.

Call me Mr. Tibbs.

Ooh, Larry.

Don't answer that.

Actually, that might be Jeff calling
about the temple tickets.

- I don't care.
- Huh?

- I don't care.
- This is kind of important.

He'll call back.

Because I told him
to try and find out. Hello?

- Hey!
- Oh, hey.

Made some calls,
but no go on the tickets.

- Oh, what a bummer!
- Yeah.

I'm sorry,
but you know what?

You can always try
for a scalper.

Really? They got
scalper tickets?

- They usually do.
- Huh.

- Yeah.
- Expensive?

I have no idea.

All right, I'll get
some scalper tickets.

Get some scalper tickets.

We'll just go down there
and try to get some.

- Yeah.
- Thanks for trying.

Sure, man. I'll talk
to you later. Bye.

- Get off!
- What?

- Get off of me!
- What are you doing?

What am I doing?!
What are you doing?!

What?

What's the big deal?
What?

Why did you have
to answer the phone?

'Cause I told you
I was expecting a call.

Why? So what?
I don't know.

Jesus.

Good night.

Oh, right.

Mustn't interrupt
intercourse.

Oh, sacred intercourse
cannot be interrupted.

Oh, everybody quiet.

Quiet for intercourse.

Shh! Don't disturb
the intercourse.

I'll tell you something.

This is some kind
of sandwich, my friend.

It's the first time
I really kvelled...

really swelled up
with joy.

Look at that.
Larry David sandwich.

I really kvell
from this.

It's something that makes me prouder
than anything.

Ah, all right, all right.
I don't even like it.

- What?
- I don't like it.

All right, whatever
you said just now,

you mumbled it,
which is something you do a lot.

- You do a lot of mumbling.
- Okay.

You don't have a lot
of respect for speech.

You could speak
a little clearer.

It wouldn't hurt anybody.
You're laughing in my face.

I don't have respect
for speech?

- Yes, sir.
- I do! I respect speech!

- Yes!
- I disagree!

- Aha! Look who's here!
- Hey, Leo!

How're you doing?

So good to see you!

Oh, and Mr. David, too!

How are you, sir?

- Fine fine.
- Huh? Yeah!

Leo!

First of all,
I want to thank you...

for putting me up
on the board...

having my own sandwich!

Larry David sandwich,
huh?

Will you look
how proud he is.

No problem! It is my pleasure to put
the Larry David sandwich

- up on the board.
- It's such a wonderful thing.

You like it, yeah?
You like it?

Eh!

- What is this "eh"?
- Eh.

You know...

I'm not really a big...

I'm not really a big fish guy
to tell you the truth.

This is the best whitefish
in the whole wide world.

No other place got
this whitefish but me.

I'm sure it is, but I'm more of a
pastrami, corned beef kind of guy.

Can I get a pastrami,
corned beef thing?

You are
the whitefish-sable period.

- What do you want me to do?
- What about tongue?

No tongue!

Hey, let me ask you this,
okay?

What if I got somebody

to switch sandwiches
with me?

- To switch with you?
- Yeah, maybe, you know...

uh, Ted Danson,
or something.

What do you think
about that?

Okay, I tell you what
I'm going to do for you.

If the Mr. Danson say okay,

okay, then switch.

- Okay.
- If I can do it, I can do it.

- I'll see you at temple.
- Okay.

Jesus, that guy...

almost broke my hand
with that shake.

- Don't whisper to me.
- I said he almost

broke my hand
with that handshake!

You know, most of the time
once in awhile

if you're...

if you're pleasant
to people...

you... you...

What's the matter?

Take a drink of water.

Take some water.

It's okay, Pop.

Everything's gonna be
all right.

I've got your glasses.

Well, your dad has
had a mild stroke.

- Really?
- Yes. He's gonna be fine.

He's gonna be fine.
I've got him lightly sedated

and he's resting.

He's doing very well
and it's nothing for you to worry about.

- Okay.
- Absolutely.

My feeling is we may do
a little corrective surgery.

I don't know
exactly when,

but we'll have him here
for awhile.

Let me ask you
a question.

My dad and I were
eating in the deli...

- Mm-hmm.
- Earlier, and um...

Actually, they named
a sandwich after me.

- No kidding?
- I've got my own sandwich.

- That is great.
- I'm up on the board.

The Larry David.
If you go in there...

I've see that on the menu...
everybody's got their sandwich.

But the bad news is that I can stand
the sandwich, between you and me.

What is it?

I see you recoiled.
Was it a breath thing?

- No, not at all.
- I noticed you put your head back.

- But anyway, here's my question.
- Okay.

Is it possible

that the sandwich

could've had something
to do with the stroke?

If the sandwich
was caught...

and he started choking
and couldn't breathe

and then became fearful,
I guess it's possible.

You know, it could raise
his blood pressure.

His life is not threatened.
He's fine and he's resting.

The sandwich gave him a stroke.
How do you like this?

The sandwich.

Do you mind if l...
if I, uh...

I'm a big fan
of "Seinfeld."

- I don't know if that bothers you.
- Why would it bother me?

- It was a wonderful show.
- Thank you.

And I'll tell you what,

I'm gonna do your father's
surgery for you.

I'm chief surgeon here.

Usually I delegate it
to somebody else,

but I would be happy
to do this for you.

- Thank you.
- You're a golfer, right?

Would like to get
together and play?

I can't believe that that sandwich might
have been responsible for this.

I'm so sorry.

Whitefish.

Why did he have
to give me whitefish?

There are so many
other sandwiches.

Pastrami, tuna...
I would've taken tuna...

even with the mercury.

What stinks in here?

You know what?
I think you smell from the onion.

You want a mint?

Take a mint.

No mint?

I got a whole handful
of them.

What?

What?

What is it?

I didn't...

I'm a doctor?

What?
I'm a doctor?

I'm, a-adopted?

Adopted?

I'm sorry.

- I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
- Did you say I'm adopted?

Okay, okay.

- Now.
- Okay.

- "Adopted," you said?
- You have to leave now.

- Let's go now.
- Dad, I'm adopted?

- I'm adopted?
- Let's go.

Let's go.

I'm adopted.

I think I'm adopted.
I might be adopted.

I think I'm adopted.

I could be adopted.

I might be adopted.

Dennis, hey!

Where'd you
come from?

Upstairs.

Upstairs?
What the...?

Hey, do you mind
if I stop this for a second?

I have an idea.

Maybe it'd be
more funny if...

I've suspected this a long time.
I really did.

The only noticeable thing
I have in common with them,

honest to God,
is my penmanship.

I noticed there's
a similarity.

Isn't there something
with the stroke

with oxygen
to his brain?

- Come on. Adopted?
- Don't ruin this for me.

- I'm not trying to ruin it.
- Don't rain on my parade.

- Look who's here.
- Hey!

- Hey, Jeff. Hey, man.
- I can't shake.

Bad fingers.
Hurt my fingers.

All right.
I am so bummed out.

I'm awful.
I don't know how

- to be funny anymore.
- It's not you.

- It's the writing.
- Why are you here by the way?

No... we were just...
I was at his office.

Thought I'd bring him by.
Told him you were filming here.

- He got excited.
- I figured I would check out the pilot.

Thanks, buddy.
I really appreciate it.

Oh, guess what?

- Leo's... you know.
- Yeah.

- They named a sandwich after me.
- You're kidding?

- I got a sandwich.
- That's wonderful.

- I'm on the board.
- You've arrived.

- I'm on the board.
- That is fantastic.

- Yep.
- That's good news.

The thing about it...
I was wondering,

'cause I know you don't
go in there very much...

I'm in there all the time.
I'm in there three times a week.

You know, and in as much
as you don't go in there,

I was just thinking
that maybe...

'cause my sandwich
is a great sandwich,

but I'm not really
a fish guy.

- Yeah.
- You gotta like fish.

- Eh.
- You like fish, but anyway...

so I was thinking maybe you
wouldn't mind switching with me.

Switching sandwiches?

You don't go in there.
I'd like to eat my own sandwich.

It would be fun to go in with my dad
and eat my own sandwich.

All right. What the hell.
What's the harm?

- Really?
- Yeah, why not?

- Fantastic!
- Yeah yeah yeah.

Just so if anyone asks me,
what's in my new sandwich?

Okay, it's, um...

you got whitefish.

You know whitefish?

- Whitefish.
- Whitefish,

and sable.

What is sable?

Sable. It's a fish.

It's like a whitefish.
It's a smoked fish.

- It's a smoked fish.
- You have two fishes?

Yeah, but they blend
very well together.

They're like Siamese twins,
whitefish and sable.

What else is in it?

- No condiments?
- Cream cheese.

There's some cream cheese.
It's...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Capers.

They're may be some capers.
I'm not sure.

If you don't like them,
you can brush them off.

- Not a big deal.
- Onions.

Yeah.

That's sounds awful.

What are you talking about?
Awful?

My sandwich is turkey,
coleslaw, Russian dressing.

It's a classic. People come in,
they order a Ted Danson.

Yeah, but you're not there.
You don't go in there.

People are used
to my sandwich,

they show up and all of a sudden
they're eating...

The Ted Danson sandwich
all of a sudden has herring and lox.

- It's not herring.
- Capers.

- Onions.
- Shut the f*ck up.

It's not herring, okay?

It's whitefish and sable.
That's not herring.

Instead of ordering a Ted Danson,
people order a Larry David.

What's the difference?

One tastes good
and one sucks!

Why don't you
taste the sandwich?

- Taste it!
- I don't wanna taste it!

- You can't even taste it?
- I don't wanna taste it!

- You won't even taste it?
- You keep it.

- I'm won't taste your stupid sandwich.
- So you're not tasting it?

Tickets? Tickets?
Who needs...

who needs tickets?

Tickets?

Happy New Year.
Tickets?

- How are you?
- Good.

You need tickets?

You got something?

- Do I have... I have the best seats.
- Yeah?

I have fabulous...
two seats, right down front.

The cantor will be practically
spitting all over you.

Really?
How much?

Give me $600 for the two.

- I'll give you $300 for the pair.
- I'll take $300.

I'll take the $300.

You have no idea
what a deal this is.

Incredible deal
you got here.

- Here you are.
- All right.

- You're not screwing me?
- You're screwing me maybe.

I'm giving you the deal
of a lifetime.

- Hey! All good.
- Got them.

- Got them.
- How much?

- Pfft!
- Really?

- Yeah yeah.
- Oh, Jeez.

I don't understand
why you buy tickets.

- It's a popular day.
- Too many Jews to go around.

Exactly.

By the way, thank you
for carpooling with us.

I really never expected
you'd get in my car again

- after the other night.
- We're sorry.

Listen,
this adoption thing,

I was thinking about it.

Isn't there an aunt or an uncle
or somebody from your childhood?

Any relative who would know,
they're all dead.

- They're all dead? Every last one?
- All dead.

There's one person.

I had a nanny
when I was...

- You had a nanny?
- I had a nanny... Johanna Seiderman...

- Yeah?
...when I was a little kid.

Antoinette tracked
her down.

There's a Johanna Seiderman
in a nursing home

- in Queens...
- Really?

And I've written her
a letter.

This is terrific. That way you'll have
definitive "yes, no."

You might not be happy,
but you'll know.

Let me ask
you guys a question.

You pick up the phone
during sex?

- No!
- Why would you pick up?

You're in the middle of an intimate
moment with your loved one.

- You're gonna pick up?
- I'm...

- Fine.
- Why would you pick up?

If every blue moon I have sex,
I'm not gonna pick up.

- Why do you have an answering machine?
- Thank you.

You're having an intimate moment
and you pick up?

- Who does that?
- Hey, Larry.

Larry, Rob.

Oh, can't shake, Rob.
Got a bad hand.

Okay. All right.

- Um, so this your wife?
- No! What? No!

- What kind of response is that?
- That's my wife.

Oh, hey,
I'll see you inside.

- Okay, see you inside.
- All right, take care.

- Sorry? What?
- Really! It's always a thing.

- Oh, stop.
- "No no no no!"

Well, you've got
your Al Capone hat on.

This happens to be
a very expensive hat, mister.

- It's rude.
- Let's go in and pray.

Let's go in and pray.

Sorry, Susie.

"Be among those
who cherish truth above ease.

Their fruit we eat now;

Their essence remains for us
in the life to come.

Hey hey.

- How'd you get that sandwich?
- What are you talking about?

- That sandwich at the deli!
- Leo gave it to me.

- That's how I got it.
- Did you bribe him?

I bribed him.
That's rich.

What are you
talking about?

- How many times a week do you go?
- I don't know. Two?

- I go there five times a week.
- Big deal.

I eat anything
off the menu.

- I eat a lot of stuff too.
- I take stuff out.

- I get deliveries.
- I give it to charity.

- Shh!
- Big deal!

What were you
talking to him about?

None of your business.
The new year.

"Leo, I didn't get a sandwich.
I want a sandwich."

Your sandwich stinks,
by the way. It stinks!

You stink.

Excuse me, sir.
I'm gonna need to see your ticket.

- Why?
- Your ticket, sir.

Is there a problem?

What's the problem?

This the guy?

- Okay, pal.
- You little snitch.

- You're gonna have to step out.
- I have a ticket.

- Do you feel like making a scene?
- No.

- Shh!
- Oh, shush you.

- Shh!
- Shh!

- Shh!
- Shush yourself!

All right, great.
Little tattletale.

You little snitch.
He spilled the coffee, by the way,

because I couldn't put my fingers
through your dainty cup!

You're setting a bad example
for my gentile wife.

It's her first time
in temple.

- What's happening?
- They're kicking us out.

- Are you gonna wait?
- It's gonna be an hour and a half.

How are we gonna get home?
We carpooled with you.

You'll get a ride.
There's plenty of people.

- Let's go.
- Get a ride.

Friends, let us
continue on page 133.

- I saw you roll about seven feet past.
- Yeah.

Get this: The doctor
divorced his wife

and is seeing
his secretary.

- Just told me.
- Unbelievable.

- This guy.
- Heh.

- Did you hear from the nanny?
- No.

No, not yet.

- You must be on pins and needles.
- Yeah.

But I think if she
gets the letter,

she's gonna get
in touch with me.

We'll see.

- That's wild.
- Isn't it?

Yeah yeah yeah.

He's got the yips.

The what?

The yips.

- The yips!
- I don't know what that is.

- You never heard of the yips?
- No.

Okay, it's in golf.

You line up to putt
and your hands shake.

He was shaking
like this.

Well, maybe it's just
a golf condition.

He gets nervous
when he putts.

I can't take that chance.
He's operating on my father.

You need to call him
and tell him not to do it.

They're gonna have
to get somebody else.

- I hate doing stuff like this.
- You don't have a choice.

I hate these calls.

Pick up the phone
and call the doctor.

Maybe you could
call him.

If it was my father

I would've already been
on the phone.

Okay.

You should go out
of the room

'cause I can't do this
in front of somebody, honest to God.

Could you leave the room?
It's like calling for a date.

- I need privacy.
- Oy.

I never... I never said
you were adopted.

Yeah, that's what
you said.

No, I never said that.

I wouldn't say that
to you, no.

It's not true, no.

- You're not adopted.
- It's okay, you can tell me.

- I can take it. Are you sure?
- You're not.

Listen, that
Larry David sandwich,

I didn't finish it.

I remember seeing
a half a sandwich

still on that table.

You want
the other half?

You know, I just ran
into your doctor.

I'm meeting him
there for lunch.

- What a nightmare that's gonna be.
- What?

You sure
I'm not adopted?

I never said that.
Never.

Okay.

We'll see what
Mrs. Seiderman has to say.

Ah! Um...

I'd like a Larry David
to go, please.

Oh, we don't have
that sandwich anymore.

- What?
- They changed the name.

And I say that it happens
every single time.

I swear to God.
I wouldn't lie to you, not to you guys.

Larry, what are you
doing here?

You stole my sandwich?
Is that what you did?

- What are you talking about?
- What am I talking about?

- What are you talking about?
- You stole my sandwich!

- What does that mean?
- Look at the board!

You're blaming me?

I saw you talking to him
outside the temple.

- You're out of your mind.
- You don't think I saw you?

I always talk
to people outside.

It's Rosh Hashanah!
It's the New Year!

I talk to deli owners!
I talk to pawnbrokers!

- "Leo, can I please have a sandwich?"
- Oh, bullshit!

You were so jealous
that I had a sandwich,

you just couldn't
take it, could you?

You had to get
your sandwich!

I got information
you might be interested in.

I can't wait.
What is it?

I'm adopted.

- Bullshit.
- Bullshit?

Bullshit?
No, it's not bullshit.

What do you mean
you're adopted?

I'm adopted.

- How do you know?
- My father told me.

- You don't know who your parents are?
- They're not those nuts!

I know that, but I know
who yours are.

- f*ck.
- Enjoy your whitefish. Enjoy.

- Larry.
- Yeah?

Larry, you are adopted?

- Yeah.
- I adopted too!

You are my brother!

We are in the brotherhood
of the adopted!

Larry,
come on over here.

You know what
I'm going to do?

I'm going to let you
have any sandwich you want.

- Really?
- Any one you want! Take it!

- Go ahead, take it.
- Oh, boy.

- Take it.
- It's a tough decision.

Okay okay, I wait.

I think I'm going to have
to go with that Ted Danson.

- Ted Danson? That's yours.
- Thank you.

That son of a bitch
don't come in anyway!

- You got it!
- Thank you.

- Hey, Larry.
- Dr. Sewell.

I want you to meet a friend of mine.
Leo, this is Dr. Sewell.

- Leo.
- How are you, Dr. Sewell?

I think I'll get that
Larry David to go.

Do not even think
about it.

I'm expecting a phone call
from Mrs. Seiderman.

- Who?
- You know, my nanny.

Do not pick up
that phone.

Nobody's picking up.

I had an answer

to his question.

If only he had
picked up.

Mrs. Seiderman?

Mrs. Seiderman.

Mrs. Seiderman!

Mrs. Seiderman?!