02x05 - No Escape Room

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Second Jen". Aired: October 2016 to present.
"Second Jen" follows two young Asian Canadian women experiencing the ups and downs of being independent after moving out of their parents' homes for the first time.
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02x05 - No Escape Room

Post by bunniefuu »

One day the police are
gonna find our dusty bones

watching an episode of The Bachelor.

'Tis a good death.

Mo! Why are we watching
other people go to desperate

extremes to get what they
want when we should be going

to desperate extremes
to get what we want?

Because that would involve
more trying and fewer chips?

This was supposed to be our
big "move out on our own and

grab life by the butt" freedom year.

Yeah, we really
nailed it with that name.

I have jobs, no career,
our apartment's a disaster,

and our love life is about as active as

an elderly person after a fall.

Not our fault. I smooched
that cute Catholic dude

that I actually like and
he holy ghosted me.

Not a single text. It's God's wrath.


And you realy threw yourself at
that hottie of qa body Marcus.

I wouldn't say I threw myself at him.

- I would; I just did.
- Well...

You went to his apartment
and asked for his sex.

Okay, but...

And, I kind of got the
feeling you wanted

to have sex like (GRUNTS) like, at him,

and not like, "Mm", like, like with him.

Yes, okay, so...

Let's get out and do something,

something we've never done before.

Let's go on a double date.

That sounds utterly terrible.

I'm in. After The Bachelor
though, right?

Oh, obviously.

How many more seasons do we have?

Just .


Are you doing that thing
where you look up people

from high school to see if
they're doing better than you?

No, but did you know Anne
Manning's a full news lady now?

Bye, Jen.

No, wait! I'm doing
something way cooler now.

Boom, we're online dating.

I think I feel the heat from
the yellow fever from here.

Okay, well, we'll make a pact right now:

we're not dressing up like
Sailor Moon for anyone.

Anyone but ourselves.


Sorry. I used the Halloween pic.

No, you didn't.

"A dark soul with bright eyes.

I like video games, board games,

and head games with
unsuspecting strangers."

Oh! You know me.

And, say hello to Jentrified.

If your name is Jentrified,
shouldn't your profile pic

really be a white person
jogging with a chocolate lab?

Be the change you want
to see in the world.

You know this is for sex and not for

a non-profit internship, right?


"Looking for a good listener,

an avid reader, a king craftsman,

a proficient musician, a body poet..."

Jen, how many qualities
did you list that

you were looking for in a partner?

Safety in numbers.

Whoa! And how many sites
did you sign us up for?

Safety in numbers?

We're not Mormons, Jen.

We can't be on Latter
Day Sinners dot com.

Fine! Well, this one, the guys can only

message you if you message them first.

And you can swipe through on your phone.

No, no, no... Oh...

He's cute.

Ah... Hi.

Who said the art of wooing is d*ad?

- Whoa!

And he already messaged back.

What are standup
comedians talking about?

Dating is so easy.

When are you free?

You think you could
find a date by tomorrow?

Ah, is Hemingway sparse with his prose?

He is. Very much so.

Did you find a date yet?

What do you think of this guy?

Oh, he is perfect...

If you've decided to
end your life early.


Find a date yet?

I think we have a winner.

Jen, that's a joke profile.

Russell Scarecrow's not a real...?

When I said it out loud, I heard it.

- Find a date yet?
- Oh, yeah.

It's the scarecrow, isn't it?

Oh! Hello, real human man.

Right?! And there's something
familiar about him,

which I think is a good sign.

So, where should I tell
my digital dream guy

we're going tonight?

I've got two words for you.

- Booze cruise?
- No.

- Fight club.
- No.

- Lightning bugs.
- What?

Sorry; I ran out of two-word
venue options real fast.

Escape room.

Is it wrong to pay to escape
something when

both of our parents
fought so hard to escape

oppressive tyrannical regimes?

Also, I'm in.

Look at us on our first Internet date.

It's technically my second.

I once had four drinks
while talking to Siri;

that girl's a freak.

Welcome to No Escape Rooms.

Escape rooms, black light mini putt,

and... well, dry cleaning.

Aren't you that nurse from
our friend, Karen's, clinic?

- You work here, too?
- YEAH: the economy.

These rooms look amazing!

Can we do time travel turbulence?

No, it's in use.

- Can we do ghost maze?
- No, it's broken.

Can we do contaminated streetcar?

No, it's broken and in use.

Okay, what is available?

You can do Mystery at High Noon,

or Apocalypse Prom.

Oh, Mystery at High Noon, please.

Oh, now it's in use.

Yowza. Look at the beauties
at your o'clock.

Oh-holy ships! Our dates are cool!

And hot!

They look like fashion mannequins that

escaped their windows.

Oh, you know how I get
around cool hot people.

So many awkward anecdotes.

Oh God, I think I'm
sweating in new places.

- I can't do this.
- Oh, you are doing this.

I'm not spending another
Friday night in the apartment

watching you cyber
stalk our graduating class.

Hey! Samantha Heffren was a
cheerleader in high school

and now she teaches at Harvard.

They're here.

Hey, I'm Michael.

I'm Jackson.

So, we're on a date
with Michael Jackson!

How did we not put this together before?


Nice to meet you.
I once slept in a ditch.

Oh, God, it's happening.

So, Michael, have you
ever escaped anything?

Sorry, that did come off as predatory.

- Have you?

Actually, I was here last month with

my recreational drumming circle.

Oh, you are so cool and hot.

You know, when we were kids,
Mo and I did some drumming.

- Didn't we, Mo?
- Stop.

Used to play a thing called...

(PATS) The tum drum.

Oh, you're not stopping.


Lest we forget the tum drum's
BFF, the bum drum.


Do you want to go over there
where this isn't happening?

- Please.
- Yeah, sounds good.

Hey, you know, there's
another thing called the

chum drum where I play Mo
like a three-legged djembe.

Hello, and or, "boo-jour".

If you're watching this video,
then you've signed

our "legal safety"
waiver and you're ready

for your No Escape Rooms experience.


Inside, there will
be bright lights, loud noises,

and in some cases, live animals.

Oh-kay, now you guys can
pop on those blind folds and

then you're just gonna put your hands on

each other's shoulders and
follow me to your doom.


Ah, close. Yeah, you're close now.

No, no... Follow the sound of my voice.

No, my voice.

Okay, you're obviously
just going in a circle.

Ha! This happened to us last time.

blindfolds and don't steal them.

They're surprisingly expensive.

Welcome to prom.
This year's theme, death.

I cannot see a PTA approving that.

Find the key that opens
the door in minutes,

or the last song of the
night will be the

last song of your life.

Imagine if real prom was like this.

It would've been awesome!

Okay, people. We got
under minutes here.

Let's hunker down.

I feel like I saw that
out of prom themes

are just straight up r*cist.

Yeah, my school did Arabian Nights.

Mine had Mystery of the Orient.

Ours too. Moon cakes were hype.

Guys, we're wasting some
pretty precious time here.

Come, Michael. I think I sniff
a clue in those innards.

You don't recognize me, do you?

I thought you looked familiar.

I'll give you a hint.

I don't want to go to bed.

Excuse me?

I want chocolate milk for dinner!

Chocolate milk for dinner!

Jackson Filton?

Like, little Jackie Filton
I used to babysit?

- All growed up.
- Wow!

Time has been very, very good to you.

So, how old would that make you, then?

- .
- ? (LAUGHS)

Holy ships, ! That was a fun age.

You know...

I had quite the crush on you back then.

Ah... I did not, which was a good thing

'cause you were a child then.

So, what does the great Jenny Wu do now?

Oh... Well, what don't I do?

Tight schedule? Yeah, me too.

I travel a lot. Do you travel much?

Yeah... all the time.

I mean, I'm traveling over
to this obvious clue right now.

Um... I think that's...

I think that's garbage
left from another group.

Yeah, it's gum and it's still warm.

The letters on that leg
though have numeric value

based on their position in the alphabet,

so D-G-A-B, would be - - - .

But you probably knew that.
I mean, you were valedictorian.


I can't do this.

Why? You're not even that sweaty.

My date is a baby!
A baby I used to baby sit.

- That's Jackson Filton!
- Little Jackie Filton?

Didn't he once tantrum so
hard he got a nosebleed?

Mo, I've put him to bed.

(SINGSONG) Oh, now you're
gonna put him to bed.

Was that as gross to
say as it was to hear?

Jen, I love you, but
you're being ageist.

Also, my date is still % cool,

so I need you to suck it up
and do what we came here to do.

- Grab life by the butt...
- With two hands, Jen.

- Two hands.
- Fine.

So, you manage a video game store?

True fact. You play?

Only all day every day.

Marry me, Michael, at a
Scandinavian dock at sunset.

- What?
- I didn't say anything.

Must have been one of those
indoor winds you heard.

- So what do you do?
- I'm an actor.

- No.
- Yes.

I started out doing all those
stereotypical Asian roles -

scientist # , foreign businessman # ,

diplomat # , break dancer .

(LAUGHS) But then,

I got one of those teenager shows.

Teenager shows?

One of the shows where attractive teens,

played by attractive -somethings,

turn into vampires,
or witches, or werewolves.

I played a teenager
that turned into a cat.

- Like a scary demon cat?
- An adorable tabby.

(LAUGHS) Two-episode arc.

So cool.


I also can't do this.
My date is an actor.


Name one cool actor you've met.


Now, name every dill
bag actor you've met.

My mind is literally flooded with names.

Ah, this sucks!

I already named our two
hypothetical children.

Oh, poor Cirsei and Doug.

Mo! This has been a tough year.

Sometimes it feels like
we're constantly swimming

upstream and like we
can't find solid ground.

Yeah, I was literally
handed a promotion,

I found out I'm not allergic to legumes,

and I am having a fantastic hair month.

But tonight could change everything.

We just need to solve this room
and prove we still got it.

Fine, but we actually have
to start trying to escape

because I have a feeling my
guy is gonna make me

reenact Starlight Express...

Which could be fun.

Oh, we'll escape. How hard could it be?

Is this an escape room for MENSA people?

- I found something!
- What is it?

I didn't find anything;
that was just acting.

I like to keep the
instrument well-tuned.


Hey, class of -and-d*ad,

maybe look to the student body.

Body, body, body, body... Oh, body.

Oh-hey-body-body-body-body- body-body.

Oh! I found something!

An empty bottle of Peach Schnapps?

% of prom attendees drink
Peach Schnapps,

then vomit in the garbage;
that's where our next clue is.

Michael, Jackson...
Huh, still funny, right?

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Come on!

Prom feels like years ago.

Not for all of us.

I wore oversized jeans
and a pukka shell necklace.

I wore a dress that looked like
Morticia Addams' imagination,

and then I got voted
most likely to be a cult.

What was everyone voted st likely to?

I was voted most
likely to own many boats...

- And I do.
- You're !

I developed and sold an
app my first year at uni.

Now I spend most of my
time teaching programming to

children affected by natural disasters.

I fed you Chickie nuggies.

I was voted most likely to marry myself.

Jen was voted most likely to succeed.

So, Jen, have you?

Does this answer your question?

It's chum drum time!


Actually, just raises
a lot more questions.

- Please stop.
- I can't.

So, you still friends with
anyone from high school?

Ah, nah, not really.

I'm right here.

Oh, yeah.

I ran into Mary Donaldson
last month, in Taipei.

- Remember her?
- Um?

She was the spare on the debate team

when you were captain?

Anyway, she's an astronaut now.

Mm! Well, lots of people are astronauts.

I always imagined you
went on to become some

award-winning writer
or w*r journalist, or...

Human rights lawyer. Am I close?

Well, the real question is,
are we close...

to getting out of here?

I dropped my contact.

Again, just acting.


Hey Mo, can I show you
some original characters?

This one's called
"Man with Spaghetti Bones".

ANNOUNCEMENT: You're falling behind.

Screw you, voice!

Life is not a race, it's a marathon,

which we all run at our own pace.

I'd love to give you a
clue or maybe a sign.

Sign. Sign! Mo, the poster!

"What makes you smile
on the count of three,

then takes thy soul away from thee?"

Flying economy.

When I'm uncredited on IMDB.

Setting up unrealistic
expectations for oneself at

a young age, partially
fueled by the pressure from

immigrant parents who expect
lofty accomplishments from

their children because
they suffered through the

difficult process of
immigration specifically to

ensure that their children
would have every resource

and opportunity available to succeed.

There was a lot in that,
but the answer's a photo.

Hm! The photo station. Let's go.

Telling me what to do, huh?
Just like old times.

Only thing is now I don't
do what I'm told anymore.

Jackson Bartholomew Filton,
do not make me count to .

- Very funny.
- , ...

A super cool sword for you.

- Do you want this one?
- I'll take super cool g*n.

I loved prom.
Everything was still possible,

we had all the time in the world.

Jen, you still have all
the time in the world.

Do I? 'Cause the kid I babysit
is doing % better than me

in all aspects of life.

I didn't grab life by the
butt this year at all.

Ah, Jen...

You escaped the long
comforting arm of your mom,

you started to actually
get to know yourself,

and you finally tried Ethiopian food.

It wasn't for me.

Look, these things take time.

The most important
thing to remember is...

Mo! The year book!

Certain letters are circled, D and J.

The DJ booth!

All right.

You know, it's very hard
to find something

when you don't know
what you're looking for.

Time's almost up.
Get ready for death-tension.

Ah, sorry, voice, but we
have Jennifer Wu with us.

Thank you, Jackson, but I'm
really not that big a deal.

Yeah, right. Here comes
Jenny Wu to the rescue.

Seriously, I'm trying, but...

Come on, Jen, bust us out 'a here.

I can't! Okay?!

I'm not who you think I am.

I'm not successful. I am not famous.

I am not someone who pays taxes.

- I'm nobody.
- Hey, you're not nobody.

I should 'a messaged Kelly
from the year below you.

She works for CSIS.

Okay, that's it, you're on a time out.

I don't want to be on a time out!

It's coming, it's coming.

Jen, what I was going to
say earlier is that the

most important thing to
remember is to...


What a performance.

Okay, I'm gonna say what
I was gonna say before,

but I'm gonna say it faster.

So, you're not as far along
as you thought you would be

with guys, or jobs, or
basic chewing dexterity,

but you are still that girl
three quarters of us went to

high school with and that
girl an escape this room.



- - - .

- - - ,. (MACHINE BEEP)


Pop this in the CD player.

- What's a CD player?
- God, you're young.

of hearts is missing. Put on track .



Stars... The key is in the stars. Go!



I got it.

Yeah! (PATS)

Now that's the rhythm of winning.

Yeah, this room was
designed for children.

Kids solve it in like minutes.

Please leave.
There's a group of extremely

disadvantaged -year-olds
here from Guelph.

- Ee!

Ah, no, no. You can stay.

I knew I felt a connection.
I'm also an actor.

Oh, you can go.

Are you messaging Russel Scarecrow?

I'm suspending our online
dating accounts for a while.


Ah! Son-of-a-bindle, that is terrifying.

I really am a product of
the texting generation.


Answer it.


(GASPS) It's that cute
Catholic guy, Diego!

What do I do?

Grab life, Mo, with two hands.

I'm gonna ask him to dinner.

Have dinner with me!

I asked! Came off as kind of a command.

Well, what did he say?

What do you say? (GASPS)

- He said he'd love to!
- That's great.

That's great. Let's go right now.

(GASPS) Wait.

Is that okay? Like, are you okay?

Because I'll stay if you're not okay.

I'm fine, okay? Please, go.

Have fun.

Just promise me you're not
gonna look up people

from high school all night.

I'm not going to creep.

My mom's been sending me
links to graduate programs.

I might as well take a look.

Okay, love you, bye.

No, not you. Did God
tell you to call me?


Hello, and/or "boojour".

If you're watching this video,

then you've signed our
"legal safety" waiver.


Now, if you're pregnant like me,

or have any of the following
health conditions...

Then you might want to enjoy
our black light mini putt,

or dry cleaning entertainment option.

That was really fun.

I felt like my favourite
actor, Mark Wahlberg.
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