06x01 - Meet the Blacks

[bunniefuu]

What is that?

I don't know.

What is that,
a cell phone?

God.

- What the hell is that?
- I don't know.

Oh, it's a smoke alarm.
The smoke alarm's going off.

It's the stupid batteries.
Come on, we've gotta find it.

No, it's not
that one.

It's not that one.

No.
Try the guest room.

I think
it's downstairs.

I don't think
I have any feeling

in my shoulders,
I swear to God.

- It does take its toll, man.
- Take its toll-

- You did very well, by the way.
- You don't have to condescend.

No, seriously,
for a guy who doesn't play,

I thought he did
very well. You did.

You never play.
What do you want from yourself?

- Give yourself a break.
- One thing I want to tell you,

- after you hit the ball six, seven times...
- Yeah?

...and it's not in the hole,
just pick it up and we'll move on.

- You shouldn't take more than seven.
- Yeah, that's just craziness.

Just pick up the ball.
He's right, yeah.

- You'll never have to experience me again.
- No, we had fun.

Didn't you have fun
with us, hanging out?

It was a little boring,
to be honest with you.

- That's a nice thing to say.
- Well, it f*cking was.

Okay, give me back my $150
that I spent on your guest fee.

You paid $150 for me to look
like a f*cking assh*le?

More shocking footage
from Hurricane Edna

- which has left extensive destruction.
- These poor people.

The storm surge
inundated low-Iying areas

- knocking out phone and power lines.
- Oh, boy.

That's from globaI warming,
that hurricane.

33 deaths have been reported
and thousands left homeless.

Look at that-
thousands of homeless people now.

FEMA is estimating damage
from this category 5 hurricane

in the billions
of dollars.

Oh, wow. It's Katrina
all over again. Poor people.

Did you go
to Funkhouser's party last night?

No. Did you?

No. Huh-uh.

Why?

Because I'm going
to Danson's party tonight.

Two back to back-

I don't want to go
to two parties back to back.

It was a stupid night
for him to have a party.

- Yeah.
- Did you call him?

No.

- Well, what are you gonna say?
- I'll tell him Sammy was sick.

You're gonna use your child
to get out of a party?

- Why not? It's the best thing in the world.
- It's a perfect excuse.

- No one can argue with that.
- Who argues with that?

I wish I had that.
It's a great reason to have kids.

It's a great reason to have kids.
It's one of the bonuses, yep.

What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna say?

- You have nothing, nothing.
- I know.

I'll just show up tonight
and pretend I had the wrong night.

- That's stupid.
- That's great.

- Oh, please.
- No, that's fantastic. I love that.

Yeah. Ding-dong-
"Where's the party?"

- Isn't that a good idea?
- That's a great idea.

He's not gonna buy that.
That's such obvious bullshit.

No, it isn't. Nobody would go
out of their way

that much- to show up
at somebody's house,

pretend they had
the wrong night.

He's gotta be a mentaI case
to believe it.

No, I love that.
That's fantastic.

Have you ever seen Richard
look in the mirror?

Is that really
what I do?

- You happy now?
- Yeah.

- All right, I'll see you at Danson's?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Thanks for turning me off

to a sport forever.

It's okay. Are you gonna
go tonight?

Uh, I don't know.
I have to ask Cha Cha. I'll see.

- Cha Cha.
- Cha Cha.

Where did he get her from?
Man, oh, man.

- She is so hot.
- Good for him.

- Good for him.
- Yeah, good for him. Let him enjoy.

- She's somethin'.
- Yeah. Wow.

- All right.
- All right, my friend.

- See you at Danson's.
- I'll see you at Danson's.

Okay. What are you
gonna wear?

I'm gonna dress
like a little Dutch girI.

"What am I wearing?"

I can't stop thinking
about the hurricane.

Oh, my nose is really itching me
and I can't scratch it.

I mean, the pictures on TV
were just-

you can't even imagine
that people survived it.

I know,
it's awfuI.

AwfuI. I was watching
it today.

All these people-
they have no place to go right now.

Hey!
Hey, dum-dum,

go ahead, move in.

- Thank you.
- Their houses were completely destroyed.

You know what my father
used to call those people?

Schmohawks.
Did I ever tell you that?

- Yeah.
- Have I mentioned schmohawks to you?

Schmohawk.
"Hey, schmohawk!"

- He used to yell it out all the time.
- Imagine for one second

if we lost- if you lost
every single thing you had in your life.

What do I have?
I don't know what's so-

- what do I have?
- This is- well, there-

- I like this sport jacket. I can't replace this.
- Listen, when there's-

you know what
some people are doing,

that I personally think
is a really great idea,

is they're bringing in
displaced families.

- Hmm.
- You know,

I've been doing
a little research

and we could actually
have a family here tomorrow.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Tomorrow?
- They have no place to go.

I would need
a couple of months

to mentally prepare for that.
Tomorrow?

We don't have
a couple of months.

These people
need help right now.

It's a nice concept.

Uh, you know,
we'll think about it.

We don't need to jump
into this thing right now.

Imagine how
they would feeI

to come here
and live in our house.

Mmm. Oh, all right,
we're here.

We're at Funkhousers'.

Why aren't we just going
to Ted and Mary's, Larry?

This is so stupid.

- This is so stupid.
- What? Are you kidding?

There's nothing to it. We'll just pretend
we had the wrong night.

This way he feels good- that at least
we attempted to go to his party.

Can't we just go
to Ted and Mary's?

We're gonna go to Ted
and Mary's after we do this.

It won't take long.
It's two minutes.

- Hey.
- Hey, Marty.

What happened
to you guys?

Where-
where is everybody?

You mean,
from the party?

Oh, they've been gone
for about 24 hours.

- The party was last night.
- Last night?

A great party.
Oh yeah, we had a lot of fun.

- Are you kidding?
- We never heard from you.

- Oh my gosh.
- The party was last night.

- We sent you an invitation.
- Oh, Marty.

Oh my God,
that is unbelievable.

- I guess we mixed up the dates.
- We missed the party?

- Totally missed it.
- How did that happen?

Oh, it was
a great party.

This may be the dumbest thing
I've ever done in my life-

- well, we've ever done.
- You guys thought the party was tonight?

Yeah, obviously.

Everyone else
was here.

You know what? I swear
I had a feeling. I really had a feeling.

- Anyway...
- Anyway, it's so good to see you.

- Tell Nan I'll call-
- We're gonna get-

No, look look look
look look,

you're here- come on in.
Come on.

What? Get out of here.
We don't want to impose on you.

You're not imposing.

You're tired from last night.
You were up late with your party.

- Get out. Are you nuts?
- Yeah, we wouldn't dream of it.

Don't worry. We've got
some food left over,

got some games to play.
Come on in.

No, but it's crazy.
We don't-

- We would not dream of it.
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.

You have no plans,

you're supposed
to be here,

and you're here.
So come on in.

Come on, CheryI.
Come on.

Come on in.

Come on in.

Come on.

Come on, Larr.

Come on, Larry.

Well, I'll tell you this:

- you missed a great party.
- I'm sure, yeah.

- It was a lot of fun.
- Oh...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I'm sorry we missed it...

Yeah, well,
we didn't wanna miss it.

- Obviously, we're here.
- No, but you know what-?

Let me tell you
what we did.

We had
an hour and a half

of the greatest
improv karaoke singing

- you've ever heard in your life.
- Oh, boy.

We're sorry we missed it.
And you know what?

- We shouldn't be here right now.
- Yeah, it's crazy.

- We really should go.
- No no no no no. I'm not heaping guilt.

- I think we're gonna get going.
- No no, don't go anywhere.

- No no no, sit down, sit down.
- We're gonna get out of here.

- Please, oh, stop it!
- Sit down!

Come on, sit down.

I'm okay with it.
And stop feeling bad.

We're here now.

You know what game I love
that we didn't play last night?

It's- and we play it
for money-

"1000 pick-up sticks. "

I go get the sticks,
I throw them all over the room

and we pick up the sticks.

And the one with the most sticks
wins the pot.

- That sounds good.
- Are you expecting company?

Yeah, what is this?
You got company?

- Now we're intruding on your company.
- I'll get rid of them.

- Now it's really crazy.
- Please relax. I'll get rid of them.

Are you guys
expecting company?

- Hi.
- Hey.

- What are you doing here?
- The party.

Where's everybody?

Just a little note:
the party was last night.

- What do you mean?
- What are you talking about?

- The party was last night.
- It's tonight.

Well, guess who else
thought it was tonight?

Who?

- What are the odds?
- Yeah, what are the odds?

- Oh my God, how about that?
- We're just gonna go.

They had the wrong night
just like us!

- That's unbelievable.
- Unbelievable.

- No no no.
- See you later.

- Come on in.
- No. No, listen...

We're gonna have a little
get-together tonight.

- No no, we'll go. CheryI, we'll go.
- We'll go, we'll go.

We'll all go.

- Don't go anywhere.
- We'll go.

No, don't go anywhere.
Listen to me.

- We're gonna have a little party tonight.
- Well, not a party...

What the hell are you doing?
You stole my wrong-night bit.

I didn't steaI it.
I give you full credit.

It's a brilliant idea.
I told Susie

- it was your idea.
- We're never getting out of here.

- We'll be out of here in five minutes.
- Five minutes?

- Trust me. Five minutes.
- Let me tell you something:

there's no way you're
making Danson's party tonight.

- We are locked in here. This is it.
- "Locked in. "

- Five minutes- we're out of here.
- Oh, really?

- Watch. Five minutes.
- Oh yeah? You watch.

So, is this fun
or what?

- The cake is wonderfuI.
- The cake is incredible.

- Best cake ever?
- Best cake I ever had.

Ever. And who's ever had
more cake than me?

- Exactly. He's right about that.
- Do you love that?

What is the deaI? I've never tasted
anything like that.

- Everything is handmade.
- Where did you get it?

- I'm sucking on it like a mint.
- At a cake shop.

- What was the shop?
- That's a new way of eating cake.

Wait, I need
to find- where?

26th Street Bakery,
we got it.

- You know Jeff- he can't stop...
- The texture.

- All right, this has been-
- Yeah, we gotta get going.

- We gotta get going.
- Has this been better than you thought?

- We gotta get going.
- Yeah, thank you.

- No, I've gotta get going.
- No no, we gotta get going.

My daughter is waiting
for a puppet show.

- My dad has a virus. He's in bed...
- Larry's dad's got a virus.

- ... with fever, with covers up to his neck.
- We shouldn't be here.

Your dad always
has a virus, okay?

- f*ck you, he doesn't always have a virus.
- Hold it one second.

You guys stay here,
keep him company.

- We have to do something for Sammy.
- You stay here then.

- You stay.
- You stay.

You stay.

- Oh.
- Hold it a minute.

You guys were supposed
to be here

to go to a party,
right?

You got nothing
going on.

Father sick,
puppets-

tomorrow you'll take your puppets
over to his father's house

and make him
feeI better, okay?

We're gonna have fun.
And guess what our next move is.

- What?
- We're going into the living room

and we're gonna play
"The Newlywed Game. "

- Yes.
- Because we played it last night

and it was
spectacular.

Oh my God!

Yes, that's great.

Do I know my husband?

- Unbelievable.
- You are good at this.

- Okay, next question.
- Okay, all right.

That was great.
"If you could have sex

with one of your friends'
wives or girlfriends,

who would it be?"

Ooh.

- That's a dangerous one.
- Okay.

- All right.
- Hold on, hold on.

- Tell me when you're ready. I'm ready.
- I think we got this.

- I'm ready.
- I'm ready.

- I'm gonna go first, okay?
- All right.

I will say, CheryI,
that you are adorable.

Thank you.

Susie,
you dress great.

Yeah, well,
that's my forte, Marty.

But when I really
think about it,

I've gotta go with my little poofer.

Look at the-

Oh my God.

- Oh my God.
- Oh, man.

- Oh, God.
- That's cute.

- How about that? How about that?
- Isn't that great?

- Go go, I wanna hear yours.
- That is great.

- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
- Okay.

- You're next.
- All right.

I'm gonna go with...

- Cha Cha.
- Cha Cha? Wow.

- Cha Cha? Lewis's girlfriend?
- Yeah, Cha Cha.

Oh my God, I had no idea
you had a thing for Cha Cha.

What are you talking about?
I don't have a thing for Cha Cha.

Richard's girlfriend?

- What?
- That was a dumb answer.

- Oh, stop it.
- I mean, I had no idea

that you've been- that you wanted
to have sex with Cha Cha.

I don't want to have sex with her.
I'm answering the question.

- What was the question, Marty?
- "Who do you want to have sex with?"

- Who did you put down?
- Obviously, there's a fantasy going down.

- Oh, get me involved now.
- Who did you say?

- Who were you gonna say?
- I was gonna answer Susie.

- Good answer.
- Oh, God, you're both full of sh*t.

- Exactly.
- You are full of sh*t.

- You are full of sh*t.
- I love my wife.

- Oh, you're all so good.
- I didn't even know about Cha Cha.

You love your wives.
f*ck you and f*ck you.

Oh, you're the one that's mad.
I love it.

Come on, honey.
I don't care about Cha Cha.

I was trying
to win the game.

You thought she was sexy. I thought
that's what you would write down.

CheryI, come on.

I don't-
come on, what can I do?

What can I do?
I'll do anything. Come on.

Anything?

Well, you know,

short of adopting
this hurricane family.

I can't wait
to get to the airport

to see the family.
It's so exciting.

- Are you excited?
- Mmm.

We'll finally get to meet them.
They're gonna be so happy.

The guy on the phone was saying
how excited they were

when they got on the plane
'cause they'd never been to L.A. before.

I can't wait to see what they look like.
I know that sounds weird,

but I've been talking,
you know, to them...

...and about them,
you know...

Yeah.
I just-

I just want to make one quick stop
before we go.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you guys
doing?

What's-
what's going on?

What do you mean?

- Where's everybody?
- We thought there was a party.

Oh my God, you thought
the party was tonight?

- Yeah.
- Last night.

- What?
- The party was last night.

- Are you kidding me?
- No, man.

- That's unbelievable. What?
- I can't believe it.

- We got the wrong night?
- Yeah, you did.

- Oh, sh**t. All right.
- Jesus Christ. Holy cow.

I'm actually glad
to hear this.

I was a little pissed off
that you didn't call.

- Oh, well, now you know why we didn't call.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Mary.
- Of course. We were coming tonight.

- Come on in.
- Oh, no no. We're not gonna come in.

- Yeah, come in, seriously.
- We got the wrong night. It's our fault.

- Hey, Mary.
- They thought the party was tonight.

You're kidding.

Can you believe
how stupid we are?

- All right, it's good to see you.
- Larr.

- We'll call you later.
- No way you're leaving.

This is fantastic.
We have so much leftover food.

You're gonna come in
and help us eat it.

I'll call you tomorrow
and we'll get together.

- We'll do the whole-
- Why?

- We'll do a proper-
- I'll take you out to dinner. I'm paying.

Hey, Larr, you don't have
any plans,

you're supposed to be here,
you're here.

Come on in.
Come in, CheryI. It'll be fun.

Well...

This'll be fun. We've got leftovers.
We'll make an omelet.

- Sure. Oh yeah.
- You guys, we can't- we can't-

It'll be great.
Come on.

This is like pulling teeth.

Come on in,
you guys.

I don't know.
Can you still see it?

- Not like it was.
- A huge cyst.

It was like- when they
got around to taking it out,

it turns out I could have
almost broken my jaw

- by just chewing on ice.
- Oh my gosh.

- It got all the way down into here.
- But the dentist

really undersold
the magnitude of it, I think.

- Oh, completely.
- 'Cause you thought it would be nothing.

- Ever had any operations like that?
- No, huh-uh.

Hmm.

- This is nice.
- Yeah.

So what's going on
with you guys?

- Eh, not much, not much.
- Nothing.

You know something?
You're behaving like

- you don't want to be here, Larry.
- No.

- What?
- You want to be here, don't you, Larr?

Absolutely. That's crazy.
Of course I want to be here.

- I just feeI I'm intruding, that's all.
- We are intruding.

I was raised
not to intrude on people.

My mother would be horrified-
horrified if she knew

that I was sitting
in the living room

the night after a big party
just took place-

horrified.
And it's bothering me.

Oh my God,
you know what?

I left the car
running.

- No, you didn't.
- How did you know I didn't?

If you walk away from the car,
it's on, and you got

your car keys in your hand,
it goes "beep beep beep beep beep. "

No, it doesn't go
"beep beep beep beep beep. "

Yeah, it does go "beep beep beep
beep beep," Larry.

- I have one too.
- Really?

- Do you want to make a little side bet?
- Yeah.

- How much?
- 500 bucks.

- Okay, 500 bucks?
- Yeah.

- Okay, yeah, you're on.
- All right, great.

Okay, I'm gonna go
check the car.

You check the car.
You stay where you are.

- She can do anything she wants.
- No no.

I'll get it.
This is ridiculous.

Teddy, we're late. We're sorry.
You know Cha Cha, right?

- I do. Hi, Cha Cha. Nice to see you.
- Hi.

What's with the no-valet
for the party?

You need some dough?

Yeah, see,
you made a mistake.

You think that the party
is tonight,

but it was actually
last night.

- You're kidding, right? It's a joke?
- No, I'm not.

- So come on in and sit.
- No, it's-

- it's embarrassing.
- No no, it's not embarrassing.

You know, Larry and CheryI made
the exact same mistake you did.

- Come on in.
- Hi.

- Mary, CheryI.
- You won't believe this:

they made the exact
same mistake you did, Larry.

They thought the party
was tonight. Interesting.

Yeah, it is interesting.

Can I get you guys a drink?
You want a drink, Richard?

Uh, I'm a recovering
alcoholic.

Oh, right. I forgot that.
He's an alcoholic.

- Okay, you want something?
- Hi, CheryI, Mary.

- Remember Cha Cha?
- Can I talk to you for a second?

- Hey, Cha Cha.
- What are you doing?

What did you steaI
my thing for?

- What thing?
- Showing-up-on-the-wrong-night thing.

What, do you have a f*cking copyright
on this stupid little thing?

You're making a fooI out of me.
He's onto me now.

You think you're making a fooI of-
I'm being made a-

I got 35 calls.

Don't ever say to anyone you want
to have sex with my girlf-

I didn't say- we were playing
"The Newlywed Game. "

What does that have to do with "I want
to have intercourse with Cha Cha"?

I wanted to win the game. Do you even
know what I'm talking about?

Okay, you know what?

I can't stay in the same house as him.
We're gonna go. Come on.

No no no, you know what?
I should go.

- No no no, I'm going.
- No no, I'm going.

- No no!
- No no, I don't think you understand.

- I have to go.
- No, I'm going. You stay.

- No, you stay.
- You stay.

- You stay. You stay.
- You stay. You stay.

- Ted.
- Sorry. Thank you for everything.

- So lovely.
- Bye-bye.

Good night.

Come on, schmohawk!

Oh, Larry.

Uh... hey.

Oh, gosh.

Look at them.

Hi.

Are you waiting for the Davids
by any chance?

- Yes.
- You are?

- Wake up, baby. Wake up, Auntie Rae.
- Oh my goodness.

- We're so sorry we're late, so sorry.
- Things happen, they do.

Well, you know,
traffic-

you'll see, in Los Angeles
it's terrible.

- I'm Loretta Black.
- Hi. Larry.

CheryI.

- This is my Auntie Rae.
- Hello, I'm Larry.

- These are my kids, Keysha and DaryI.
- Keysha and DaryI.

So let me see,
your last name is Black?

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

It's like if my
last name was Jew,

like Larry Jew-

'cause I'm Jewish.

Well, we really do appreciate y'all
letting us stay with you.

- We really do. We appreciate it.
- We really do.

- No, I was just saying, 'cause
you're black... - Larry, grab-

- It's not too heavy for you, is it?
- No no.

- Get that-
- And I'm Jewish.

Thank you so much.
We really do appreciate it.

- It's not too heavy for you, is it, Larry?
- No.

Thank you,
thank you.

Okay, say your last name
was Gentile...

- Come on in.
- Ooh, would you look at that?

- This is nice.
- This is reaI nice.

Oh, yes.
My goodness.

And spacious too.
I mean, just-

What do you think, huh?
Isn't it something? You like it?

It's a swank place you got here, Larry,
very swank.

- Thank you, sweetheart.
- Oh, Auntie Rae.

Go go, you go
take a look around.

- Go ahead.
- Oh, thank you. Go on, babies.

- Don't touch anything.
- Yeah, I thank you, I thank you.

Mm mm! This is
a nice place.

Fixtures going
all along the staircase-

ooh-ee!
I can't believe this.

- We don't smoke in the house.
- Them curtains- just fabulous.

- And the couches- they so fluffy!
- Cigarette... smoking...

- Y'all got nice taste.
- Thank you.

- Where's the kitchen at?
- It's right around there.

I'm going.
I'm going.

- This is so great.
- She's smoking.

They're so great.

Oh, you know what we should do?
Let's have a party.

Let's have a party and invite our friends
so they can meet the Blacks.

- A party?
- Hey, you guys want to have a party?

- What?
- Yeah, Loretta?

What?
A party?

- We're having a big party.
- Uh-huh. You need a cake?

We do. A chocolate
layered cake.

We want to get
the same one

that Marty Funkhouser
gets.

Oh, yes. He's actually ordered it
a couple of times.

- Yeah.
- I have one

that I just
prepared recently.

I think it was the best cake
we've ever had.

- Unbelievable.
- We can't stop talking about it.

It is one of our
most popular cakes.

- I can understand why.
- Yes, and here he is.

- That's a penis.
- Yeah, well, we're an erotic bakery.

Oh my God.

This is where Marty
buys his cakes?

- I ate that?
- Yes, you ate this cake.

Funkhouser- he knowingly
served us penis.

- What is wrong with that guy?
- Let's go.

- What an idiot.
- Thank you. This is crazy-

- a crotch.
- The cake is delicious, by the way.

Thank you
very much, sir.

- I'll tell you, it was something else.
- She's right.

It was one of the scariest things
I've ever experienced in my lifetime.

- We are lucky we got out of there alive.
- Yes, we are.

- I want you to meet these guys.
- Okay.

I hope we're not too rude,
but we showed up

- the night of the party.
- Good one.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Let me ask you
a question.

How come you didn't tell me
that I was eating

- a black penis the other night?
- You mean the cake?

Yeah.

Well, I told you
it was a black log cake.

Yeah, still,

I was eating a black penis.
You didn't mention it.

Well, eating a black penis
is not appetizing to everybody.

Next time you're gonna do
something like that,

tell me, okay?
I think that's unfair.

Why did you take
the balls home?

I didn't know
they were balls.

Excuse me.

Mm-hmm.
Yes, it was you.

Well...
Oh, boy oh boy. Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi, Cha Cha.

- Hi, Larry.
- I'm sorry about the other night.

I was just trying to win
"The Newlywed Game" is all.

Look, I'm over it.
I'm here.

- Believe me, I'm way over it.
- You know...

- Hey, everybody, who wants cake?
- I do, I do.

Oh, great great. The best cake
I ever had. Come on.

...give you
a childish apology...

No, because it was
my routine and-

Jeff!

Jeff, the cake!
Jeff!

I'm-

I'm so sorry.
First of all,

you have to understand
something, okay?

My friend Jeff
did not know-

did not know that there was
a penis in that box

when he picked that up
from the bakery.

He called in the order
and they gave him the box.

He didn't look
inside the box.

How's Keysha?

I finally got her to sleep.
She's upset.

Of course.
Of course she's upset.

Understandable.
To see a big penis like that-

what are you gonna do?
She's a little girI.

Okay, you know...

the smoking-in-the-house

I wanted to talk
to you about.

Um, is there any way

maybe you would
consider

smoking...

outside

on occasion?

How's the cake?

- Pretty good.
- Mmm.

Pretty... pretty good.

You want some?

Good night.

Good night.

- Where have you been?
- Ate some penis.

So what are we
gonna do now, L.D.?

Maybe some family
will adopt us.

Holy moly.

What happened?

- A fire.
- Oh my God.

What are you
doing here?

- Oh, I'm here for the party.
- The party?

The party was
yesterday.

What?

Yesterday.
The party was yesterday.

Oh, you're kidding me.