06x10 - The Bat Mitzvah

[bunniefuu]

Somebody need to talk to the man,
you know what I mean?

I'm so happy you called me.
He's just moping around?

I mean, we all are really worried
about him, man.

This Cheryl thing's
got him crazy.

This Cheryl thing's got him twisted, man,
for real.

He's up there moping, man.
Mopy d*ck, that's what he is.

- Moby d*ck.
- No, Mopy d*ck.

- No, it's called Moby d*ck.
- Who's f*cking Moby d*ck?

"Moby d*ck" is the book
by Melville.

- Who's f*cking Moby d*ck?
- Where did you hear Moby d*ck from?

Mopy d*ck, man.
His d*ck is moping.

- Oh, literally Mopy d*ck?
- Yeah, Mopy d*ck.

Okay, let's go up and get his
mopy-ass d*ck out of bed.

- Let's go.
- I like the way you operate, man.

You know what I mean?
You're straightforward. I like that sh*t.

What?

- Gotta come in?
- Coming in, man.

- Hey, what's going on?
- I don't know.

- I f*cked up my life.
- How did you f*ck up your life?

- What did you do?
- With Cheryl.

- Oh, Cheryl.
- Oh, man, this Cheryl sh*t again.

Come on, man.

The stupid call from the plane-
I didn't-

You were busy
with the TiVo guy.

Busy with the TiVo guy.
Yeah, I was busy with the TiVo guy.

Your brain is all f*cking
discombobulated, man.

You need to focus
on some ass.

I'm just never gonna meet
anybody like her again, ever ever.

I'm not disputing that,
but you've got to meet somebody else.

- You've got to move on.
- There's nobody that compares to her.

I can't even imagine
being with anybody else.

Listen, man, you've got
to get out there and do stuff.

Get down there and get breakfast.
What are you doing?

Is she going
to Sammie's bat mitzvah?

Yeah, she's coming
to the bat mitzvah.

She's bringing
that guy too.

What do you want me to do?
We didn't pick sides.

I can't believe I've got to see her
with this guy

- at Sammie's bat mitzvah.
- Well, who are you gonna bring?

- Nobody.
- You've got to bring somebody.

Bring somebody?
Who am I gonna bring?

You're not gonna find her here,
lying like this. Come on.

Yeah, you gotta
find somebody, man.

- I'm not a good dater. I can't date.
- Why can't you date?

You're not comfortable
in your Larry shell right now.

You've got to become
another m*therf*cker right now.

Larry, grow a mustache, man.
Grow a goatee,

a mustache, grow sideburns.
Become another m*therf*cker, man.

- You feel me?
- It's not bad advice.

It's not bad advice.
But anything to get your ass out of bed.

Get your ass out of-
wh-?

- What was that?
- What are you doing?

You've got bedbugs?
What's going on?

Oh, nothing. Just a little
uncomfortable.

- Listen, I did my part. Get your ass up.
- Okay, thanks.

- I've got to go to work, all right?
- Thanks, yeah.

- I'll see you later.
- Good work, man.

Hey, I'll get him up.
Hey, man, let's roll, L.D.

Come on downstairs, man. The family
wants to talk to you a little bit.

- All right, I'm turning over a new leaf.
- Yeah, come on downstairs.

- That's it. No more of this sh*t.
- We want to talk to you.

- Okay, no more.
- Yeah, get out. Let's get your sh*t together.

- I'm getting it together.
- Yeah, think about that beard sh*t.

- Okay, all right.
- Think about that mustache.

Look who I found.

- Hey.
- Hey, L.D.!

- How are you doing?
- Yeah.

- Eh, I think okay. I think I'll be all right.
- Good.

- I'm fine.
- Good.

You know what?
My mind is made up.

- I am forgetting about her as of now.
- Okay.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- As of now.

- L.D., you're gonna be fine, trust me.
- It's a new day.

He'll be
the last man standing.

So what's going on?
What do you want to talk to me about?

Loretta,
you want to...?

Um, our house
is ready

and we're gonna
go home.

Yeah yeah.
The lady called today.

- We're out for real.
- We are.

- We're not kidding you. We're out.
- No, for real.

- He's speechless. I can't believe it.
- Well...

I am speechless.

- You too?
- I'm out of here too.

I've got a little boo down there
I'ma holla at.

I know it looked like we weren't gonna ever
get out of here, though,

- but...
- Well...

- you gotta go- you gotta go.
- Yeah.

- We're gonna miss you, though.
- We are.

You can always
come visit now.

Eh, let's not go crazy.

- My gerbil's gone.
- What?

- My gerbil's gone.
- What do you mean your gerbil's gone?

Well, come on.
Let's go find it.

- Chill out. We're cool.
- Chill out?

There's a gerbil running amok in
my house. Come on, help me find it.

Okay, thank you.

- Hey, Larry.
- Yeah.

- The building manager just called.
- Yeah?

In the next few days
somebody's gonna come

and look at that office
across from you.

- Are you kidding?
- No.

Oh, I dreaded this day.
I don't want anybody

moving in
across the hall.

You know, we have
privacy here.

I know. Larry,
there's nothing I can do.

We're not gonna have
control of the thermostat.

- That's right, it's in there.
- Yeah, it's in there.

Why don't we
take that office then?

I'm not gonna pay for an office
I'm not using.

Well, somebody's gonna take it
if you don't take it.

How do you stop somebody
from renting it?

That's what
I want to know.

How are you?

- You know, I feel a little better today.
- Do you?

- I've been pretty depressed.
- You seem better. You look good.

Yeah, I feel better.
I'm feeling like I'm ready,

but I hate being single.
I just hate it.

- I know, Larry. I'm sorry.
- I want to meet somebody.

I swear to God, I can get married again
in a month if I could.

Oh, Larry. Larry David,
you are a romantic.

Am I?
Do you think I am?

Oh, I forgot.
Matt Tessler called and said,

"Hey, I'm in the building.
I thought I'd drop by. "

- He's in the building?
- Yeah.

He said he knows you,
"Seinfeld" days.

Yeah, he directed
four "Seinfelds. "

He was terrible, though.
He was a terrible director.

- Oh, I remember Matt.
- What does he want?

Lewis is doing a pilot now, and I'll
bet he wants me to recommend him.

- You know, he's got the son...
- Oh my gosh, that's right.

...who's got
the muscular issues.

M.S. or M.D. or...?

I don't know.
There's something.

I could say
that you had to leave,

- you had an important meeting.
- Eh...

- Larry David. Larry David, how ya doing?
- Hey, Matt Tessler!

- We were just talking about you.
- Good to see you.

Hey, Matt, what's going on?
Nice to see you. How are you?

- You're well? You look good.
- Yeah.

- You look pretty good yourself.
- Oh, thanks, thanks.

- Yeah, I'm doing okay, doing okay.
- Look at this.

- Working my ass off, yeah.
- Nice.

I'm just, you know-
I'm kind of stuck

- in a dramedy ghetto.
- Really?

Well, I did the cancer scare episode
of "Home Improvement,"

- so I got typed as this guy who does ticker.
- Oh, Jeez.

Now they want me to do
all the teardrop stuff.

I want to get back to the funny,
to the shtoomy.

- The shtoomy, yeah.
- Are you and Richard Lewis still tight?

- Is there any way you can just
give him a-? - I'm really not...

- You're not tight anymore?
- Not really tight.

'Cause they're floating my name
to direct his pilot

and I just would love
to be in on that.

Well, if I run into him,
I'll, you know-

Yeah, if I had a recommendation
from you, though,

that would mean
that I'd have a sh*t at this.

The sitcom- you know,
I'd come in at 9:00-10:00,

- I'd get a chance to see my son
in the morning... - It's a great-

...I'd get a chance to see him at night.
So anything you could do

to recommend me to Richard
would be just great.

Yeah, I'll-
I'll recommend you.

- Bless your heart. Bless your heart.
- Yeah.

Hey, Larry, do you still have
that tickle in your anus?

I cannot get you an appointment
for two weeks.

What?

Are you experiencing
discomfort?

Tickle in my- what is she talking about?
What are you talking about?

- Where did you get that from?
- That's nothing to joke around about.

Who were you trying
to get an appointment with?

- Rosenberg.
- Rosenberg is a good man.

I've got a better one.
Pencil.

Call this man-
Dr. Jay Whitney.

My wife's cousin Kai-
she runs the office.

- Oh, she does?
- She can open all the doors,

and not just the back one,
you know what I mean?

Seriously, she can
get you in today.

- Yeah.
- You don't have to think about it.

It's nice of you, but there's really
nothing wrong.

Why did you say
I have a tickle in my anus?

Are you f*cking crazy, huh?
A tickle in my anus?

- She's just looking out for you.
- Why did you say that?

I don't have a tickle.
Who said that?

Look, I gotta go.
I gotta go.

Look, I think I've given you
the wrong impression.

- Larry's anus is fine.
- Shut the f*ck up, okay?

Shut the f*ck up!
Sorry.

All I'm saying is, don't take
any chances here, okay?

- This is serious, all right?
- Yeah, no.

- Good, 'cause I care about you-
- Yeah, thanks.

- -not just 'cause-
- Good to see you.

- And you.
- I'm gonna call Richie right now.

- Thanks, Ant-
- Antoinette.

- Yeah.
- I'll take care of that.

- Okay, thank you, Larry. Thanks so much.
- Okay.

Hi, it's Richard.
Leave a message.

Hey, Richard, it's Larry.

Matt Tessler
just asked me

to recommend him
for your pilot...

...so this is me calling

to recommend-

"recommend" him.

So in case
he ever asks you

if I recommended him,
you can tell him

that in fact I did

recommend him.

All right,
I'll talk to you later.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Just sign in, please,
and have a seat.

Shouldn't be too long.

I have a little problem
with this-

these sign-in sheets,
you know.

My name's right
out in the open here.

It's a bit
of a privacy issue.

There's no shame
in having to come

to the gastroenterologist's
office.

It's a little embarrassing
maybe, you know.

We could just put a sign up
on the wall saying,

"Larry David was here. "
Why don't we do that?

You know,
I have to tell you

I've worked here
for four years

and I've never had
anyone come in

and, like, cruise the list
of patient names

for any reason.

What if you are
in charge of this, okay,

so this is down here?
You keep that.

I don't like that.
First of all,

I only get paid
$9 an hour,

so it's a little more responsibility
than I'm used to,

to keep track
of patients.

Second of all,
I can't even make decisions.

You have to take it up
with the home office.

I would like to take it up with
the home office. See, you didn't think

- I was gonna take you up on that.
- No, I did think you were.

- You strike me as that type.
- Well, things like this interest me.

I'm not an inventor,
but I'm an improver.

I improve things
that are broken.

This is broken.
This system is broken.

I'd like to improve it.

Great. I'm assuming you're
a new patient,

'cause I think I would
have remembered you.

- So please fill that out.
- Okay.

What would you do
if I sat there, huh?

You'd be a little freaked out if I sat there,
wouldn't you, honestly?

- A little bit. A little bit.
- I think a lot.

Yeah, that's
a little creepy.

What are you reading?

It is called
"Showbiz Insider. "

- Really?
- I like to feel like an insider when-

- Pretty heady stuff. Wow.
- Yes, very heady stuff.

Many are called.
Few are chosen.

You must be
very very bright.

Yes.

Where are you from,
New York?

- I'm picking up an accent.
- Yeah.

Yeah.
You from New York?

Yeah.

But I'm not a Jew,
if that's what you're thinking.

'Cause I saw
your wheels spinning.

That's uncanny. It's like there's
a window into my soul

and you can just
really read me.

I read you
loud and clear, sister.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Are you okay, by the way?
Do you have any-

you have some terrible medical problem
that brought you here?

I'm fine.
Checkup.

- Checkup?
- Mmm.

Hmm, really?

You?

- Checkup.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Huh.

- How about that?
- Let me ask you a question:

did you ever go out
with a bald guy?

- Yeah.
- How did you find it?

It was magical.

- Yeah? See?
- Yes.

How am I doing
on the flirt so far?

- How would you assess it?
- Um...

- Pretty good?
- I'm- well, 7.5.

- 7.5? Really?
- 7.5, yeah.

- You're tough.
- Larry David?

- You're up.
- All right.

Well, they have
called for me.

Larry?

I guess I'll go in
for my checkup.

- Checkup.
- Nice talking to you.

Good luck.

So long.

Hello, Mr. David.
How are you?

- Good.
- Good. All right.

Oh, you know my cousin
Matt Tessler.

Oh, Matt's your cousin?
Oh, yeah.

Oh, right.
Oh, thank you for this...

Yeah, sure sure sure.

So let me ask you,
Mr. David,

why are you here
to see the doctor?

Um...

I'd just as soon
tell the doctor.

It's okay. I've got to take all
the information first

and I give it to the doctor. So why don't
you tell me the reason you're here?

I know, but if the doctor's
gonna come in here,

why not just tell the doctor?
I don't see why

I need to tell you and-
then you have to tell the doctor.

- Well...
- Why not just tell him directly?

I'm going to New York.
Why am I stopping off in Florida?

Mm-hmm. Policy is that I take
the information down first

and I give it to him.
He'll come in and go over this.

So he'll have it all
written down.

He won't have to go through
all of the questions again.

- This whole thing is askew, your system.
- Mm-hmm.

The doctor should be in here right now.
We could be saving time.

He's got other patients
that he's dealing with,

so what I'm here- I pretty much
cut the time in half with him.

Cut the time in half?
So you intercept him in the hall?

He's gonna get the information
and then what,

run to the internet
to look it up? No.

- He's gonna hear it from you.
- Doctors and nurses work hand in hand.

I just need the information.
If you could just give it to me-

I'm not that comfortable
telling you, frankly.

I need to take it down
before I can leave.

Okay, I have a gerbil
up my ass.

That's my problem.

How long
has it been there?

Two days.

Okay, thank you.
The doctor will be right with you.

Fine.
Happy?

- Mr. David.
- Hello, Doctor.

- Larry, nice to see you.
- Okay.

I was wondering
if you could tell me

what seems to be
the problem.

Hey, what happened-

what happened
to the sign-in sheet?

Oh, I called our
corporate headquarters

off your suggestion
and they loved it.

- So there's a new policy.
- What?

It's private,
just like you wanted.

No no no,
I don't want that.

You're listening to me?
I don't know what I'm talking about.

Put the sign-in sheet
back on.

- I can't. No.
- What?

You can't see this now.

First of all, I've got
to tell you something,

- okay?
- Yes.

I want to apologize

for the way
I behaved earlier.

Mr. David,

you don't have to
play games with me.

- I don't?
- No.

Are you looking
for Christopher?

No.

- Andrew?
- Keep going.

Paula?

Aha.

- You cannot tell. I could get fired.
- No no no, never.

- No no no no.
- I have no formal education.

- No no no no no.
- Okay.

Be careful.

- Thank you.
- She looks like a live wire.

- You called her?
- Yeah.

So where are you going
to take her on a date?

I'm gonna take her
to the movies maybe.

That's great.

The question is,
why was she at that-

what kind of doctor
was that again?

- Mm, gastroenterologist.
- So what was she doing there?

- That's the question.
- Oh my God.

Why was she there?
I don't know.

I hope she doesn't have
the same thing I do.

Well, that's a good thing.
It'll go away.

Yeah.

Let me ask you
a question:

How much will you give me
to start gargling now?

- 50 bucks.
- You'll give me 50 bucks?

- 50 bucks.
- Take it out of your pocket.

Mm-hmm.
Mmm.

Just do it.
What, you don't trust me?

Here you go.

- I just got 50 bucks.
- No, now that doesn't count.

- No, you can't do that.
- No, what are you talking about?

I would have paid that happily.
It was so enjoyable.

It was so enjoyable and you ruined it
with "I just got 50 bucks. "

Let me ask you a question:
Tessler's still one of your clients?

Yeah. He's coming
to the bat mitzvah.

You know who else is coming
to the bat mitzvah?

My newest client
John Legend.

He's a huge R&B singer.

I have no idea
who this guy is.

- Do you know who anyone is?
- No.

When was the last time

- you bought an album?
- 1972?

- '72? So you know no one.
- No, I know nothing.

Anyhow, he's my client now.
He's coming

to the bat mitzvah.
He's gonna sing.

Well, maybe I'll bring
this woman.

You know, if we get along tonight,
I'm gonna ask her.

'Cause you gotta bring somebody.
Cheryl's coming with that guy.

- You gotta be there with somebody.
- Absolutely.

Why don't we
double-date tonight?

You know what? Susie and I were
talking about going to the movies.

You're kidding.
Let's do it.

Perfect.
I can check her out.

I haven't dated in a while.
Who pays?

- You pay.
- Don't be ridiculous. You pay.

- I do?
- Yes, you pay.

- Larry's not used to dating.
- Clearly, yes.

- No, I haven't dated in a long time.
- No, a long time.

What do I do? Am I allowed
to hold hands during the mo-?

- I don't know if there's rules-
- Is there a rule?

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Hi.

One movie.

Thank you.

- Don't you want to sit on the aisle?
- No.

- I was being nice.
- Center's better.

Center? Why? You think
there's a big difference

- over there from here?
- Yes, this is good.

As long as a giant man
doesn't sit

- in front of me.
- Or a giant woman.

- Oh my God.
- What?

This guy.
That's the guy

who walked past the line
to get his ticket before.

- Oh, yeah.
- Pete!

- Look at him.
- I think it is.

Oh my God.
He was faking.

- Are you kidding me?
- No.

That's really good.

- Oh my God.
- Holy sh*t.

I gotta
take my hat off to him.

I gotta tell ya,
that's pretty good.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Why? Why are you
asking me that?

No reason.

Everything okay
with you?

Yeah, fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah.
Why shouldn't it be?

It's just you're
squirming a lot.

You're squirming
more than I am.

Well, my seat
is uncomfortable.

Yeah, my seat's
uncomfortable too.

I know.
We're in agreement.

Why did you say
you went

to that
gastroenterologist's again?

- I was there for a checkup.
- A checkup?

- Yes. Why do you keep asking me that?
- I've never heard

of anybody going to
a gastroenterologist for a checkup.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

That's what you were
doing there.

- Is that what I said?
- Yes, that's what you said.

Honestly, I'm just really kind
of bored with this movie.

It's not so bad.

I really want to go.
Can we go?

Please.

Are you gonna
drag me out of this movie

with five minutes to go?
That's insane.

It's not five minutes.
This is the world's worst film

I've ever seen
and I really want to go.

Come on,
five more minutes.

What do you gain by staying?
You don't care about this story.

I finish
things I start.

Books- they could be
500 pages,

once I start them,
even if I hate it, I'll finish it.

I have friends
who I can't stand,

you know,
for, like, 25 years.

I'm still friends
with them.

Why?

Because I stay to the end,
till they're dead.

I go down with the ship.
That's what I do.

I'm not even the captain,
I'm going down with the ship.

That's how I want you
to think about me:

I'm the guy who keeps
the captain company.

I can't watch this.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry.

- Where is she going?
- I don't-

- She was bored.
- It's almost over.

I know.
I told her.

It's five minutes to go.
It's crazy.

You'd better
go out after her.

- She's not gonna wait for you.
- You don't expect

somebody else to leave
if you're walking out of the movie.

- You don't understand women.
- You don't understand etiquette.

Fine.

- Where is she?
- She's not here.

- Are you surprised?
- Can you believe it?

- Yeah, that's rude.
- I told you she was gonna leave.

- That was completely rude, unbelievable.
- By the way,

I timed it. There were six minutes
left in that movie.

Irrelevant, Larry.
She was not gonna wait for you.

I invested an hour and a half.
I'm supposed to leave

- with six minutes to go?
- The last six minutes. That's craziness.

So, fine. You were right
and now you're alone.

Yeah, well, she has a tickle
in her anus anyway.

- She has a tickle in her anus?
- I think so. She was squirming in her seat.

I don't wanna hear it.
Let's go.

You know what?
That movie stunk, by the way.

No, it was great.
You're crazy.

So you're not gonna go
to the bat mitzvah?

Eh, I don't want
to go by myself.

And Cheryl's gonna be there
with this guy.

So we'll get you
a date-

my next-door neighbor.
She's a belly dancer.

She also was
in Cirque du Soleil.

Yeah, that's the one
with the nose rings, right?

- She can take 'em out.
- Then there's a hole in the nose.

We'll just cover it
with makeup.

Blech!

Do you want any coffee?
I'm gonna go get coffee.

No, I don't want
anything.

This way. This is the one I was
telling you that I think is just perfect.

- This is great.
- Yeah, available the first of the month.

All we need is your signature
on the paperwork.

- That's great. Two months upfront?
- Upfront.

- Two parking spaces. It's all yours.
- How do you heat it?

Oh, you've got your own thermostat
right there, see?

I've got to take this.
Will you excuse me for one second?

- I'll be right back.
- Sure. Yeah, okay, good.

Hi, I'm just-

Hello!

- How are you?
- I'm- I'm good.

Are you
renting the office...

- ... next door?
- I'm thinking about it.

That's very good.
We'll be friends.

Well, you know,
I'm looking at several places.

- I should probably catch up-
- We'll go to lunch together.

- Yeah.
- Every day, every day.

- Every day.
- Every day, lunch.

Uh, listen,
you're probably busy.

No, I'm not. I have nothing
to do here.

I've got to find the office manager.
Thank you.

Goodbye.
Bye.

I hope you rent
the office.

Larry, wh-?

- Oh, hey.
- Am I interrupting something?

No.

I just came by
to say thanks

for the recommendation.
I got the gig.

- You got the job?
- Yeah.

What's this about?
Is this supposed to be funny?

No no no.

Someone was gonna
rent the office next door...

This is how you welcome him?
You use some humor?

No no no, it was a test to see
if he's a tolerant person.

And anyone who's not
is no neighbor of mine.

I know somebody who wouldn't
find this funny at all.

He's a 10-year-old boy named Max
and he lives in my house-

- who's not gonna think that's so funny.
- Oh, Jeez.

This is what you do?
You sit on your ass

- making fun of Ret*rded people?
- Oh, come on.

- Un-f*cking-believable.
- I was just, you know-

I'm really
disappointed in you.

I would rent an office
to your son.

My son has an office
on the right hand of Jesus.

Hey, you know
what's really funny?

A successful writer-producer
who puts gerbils up his ass for fun.

- What? What?
- I talked to Kai. I talked to my cousin.

- That's why you had to see the doctor.
- Oh, that's bullshit.

- 'Cause you have gerbils in your ass.
- I made that up, you moron.

- Why would you make that up?
- Because I didn't feel

- like telling her what was wrong with me.
- That doesn't make any sense.

And you know what? I think a lot of people
would get a kick out of this.

I really do.
f*ck you, Larry.

Let's just try it out
on the street.

- Hey, no, I made that up.
- Hey, wanna hear something funny?

Hey, you wanna hear
something funny?

So sorry.
Do we still have time to do it?

- I'm sorry.
- No. I'm late now.

- It's too late for lunch?
- It's too late for lunch

and it's too late
for my career

and you f*cked me
with Tessler.

- He's not working out?
- He sucks!

- He doesn't know comedy.
- I know that, I know.

He should be
selling fabrics.

Why'd you hire him?

How d-?
You-

my friend of 47 years-
you recommended him.

Oh, I recommended him?
When I called you

I told you that he asked me
to recommend him...

- What-?
- ... so I'm "recommending" him.

I put quotes around it.

Why'd you "recommend" him,
Mr. Quotehead?

I thought that you would pick up that it was
a non-recommend recommend.

You know, life is
very brief, okay?

And you know I need
a good series.

- Is life too short? You think it's too short?
- Yeah.

- It's too short, isn't it?
- But now my life is f*cking way short.

- I'm sorry.
- You ruined my f*cking pilot

because of your
recommendation.

I can see if it came
from a skinhead...

- Yeah.
- ... or one of Ben Laden's people.

You call him
Ben Laden or Bin Laden?

I don't know.

You called him Ben.
That's almost like a Jewish name.

That's true.
Ben Laden does sound

- like a shirt-maker in Manhattan.
- Yes, I know.

"Let's go to Ben Laden's.
They got great collars. "

Exactly, yeah.
Anyway, I'm-

- No-
- I'm sorry.

Yeah, fine, fi-

It's true, isn't it?

- Holy sh*t.
- What are you talking about?

Did you stick a gerbil
up your ass?

- 'Cause the whole f*cking town-
- Are you out of your mind?

It's all over the set.
It's everywhere.

- And I said-
- Jesus,

this Tessler is spreading
this rumor about me

to get back at me.

It's all over
the f*cking city now.

It's gonna be
on the internet too.

It's everywhere.
It's everywhere.

Jesus Christ, did you see the way
that guy looked at me?

I'm sure he probably
read "Gerbil" magazine

and you're
f*cking on the cover.

Holy sh*t.

You know, I do have
a tickle in my anus.

Oh, really?

- Yeah.
- I gotta split.

Hi, Carol.

Carol,

it's not true.

...some crazy sh*t.

- It's missing. And you hear this sh*t.
- Leon!

Leon, I don't really think
he would do something like that.

- I don't think-
- You don't know, Loretta.

Think about it.
Look, the gerbil's missing, right?

And then you hear this sh*t's
going on. Come on now.

Add this sh*t up.
Add this sh*t up.

Here he comes now. What's going on?
What's going on, Larry?

The gerbil got on the elevator, hit "up"
and went up your assh*le?

- Is that what happened?
- Leon!

I can't believe that this thing has already
gotten to this house,

- that you would accuse me of that.
- Larry, where's the gerbil?

- I got your back. I don't think you did it.
- Thank you.

I didn't even want
that thing in the house,

- much less put it up my ass, okay?
- Let him out, Larry.

So, wait a minute.
Are you saying you didn't do that?

Absolutely. Of course not.
Come on, that's insane.

That's what I thought.

I'm still sick about the fact
that that thing is

running around
the house somewhere.

- Yeah, all right. Whatever, man.
- We're done packing.

- All right.
- All right, sweetness.

- Hey, y'all got everything together?
- Yeah, we're done.

- All right, that's good.
- You ready to roll?

Wow, this is really
happening, isn't it?

- Oh yeah, we're about ready to bounce.
- Yeah.

- When are you going?
- Tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- Mm-hmm.

Can you believe it?

- We're out of here, man.
- Oh my God.

- Wow.
- It crept up on you, right?

You're gonna
miss us, Larry.

We're gonna
miss you too, Larry.

All right, don't get my
waterworks going here.

- You know how emotional I am.
- All right, okay.

We're gonna miss you, Larry.
That's deep.

Yeah. All right, I've got to get ready
for a bat mitzvah.

- What's that?
- It's a Jewish ceremony, you know.

- Oh.
- It's a big party.

You don't wanna
go with me, do you?

- You want me to go?
- Yeah, come on.

Sure, I'll go
with you, L.D.

- Beautiful.
- Yeah.

- A bat mitzvah.
- Yeah.

My little girl
is so perfect.

- Thank you. How are you doing?
- Naches to you.

You saw the early rehearsals.
When you left

they had a run-through.
The network stormed out.

How in the f*ck could my best friend
recommend such an assh*le?

- Why didn't you say you didn't like him?
- Any normal person

would have picked up
on what I was trying to say.

Now I'm abnormal.
Oh, now I'm not normal.

Yeah, you are abnormal.

You're the most abnormal,
jerky nutcase

I've ever met
in my entire-

- you think you're more normal than me?
- f*ckin'- A I am.

I'll have a mental patient face-off
with you any day.

- Oh, really?
- Larr, did you stick a gerbil up your ass?

- Who told you that?
- I'm not gonna tell you who told me.

- It's not important.
- Of course I didn't stick a gerbil up my ass!

- Don't get so upset.
- I'm upset!

- He's telling everyone.
- Yeah, he sure is.

Oh my God.

On behalf of my
wonderful wife Susie

and myself
I want to welcome you.

Thank you all so much
for coming.

It means a lot to us,

a lot to Sammie,

I can tell you that.
We're very proud of her.

I don't want
to embarrass her,

so I'm gonna keep this short
and just say

thank you from the bottom
of our hearts.

What we're gonna do
right now is open it up

to anybody who'd like
to say something,

make a toast, whatever.
Come on up.

- Yeah, I'm gonna-
- Larry.

- I'd like to say something.
- All right.

Hey.
Um...

well, first of all,
I'm so thrilled

to be here at Sammie's
bat mitzvah tonight.

- Thank you, Larry.
- This is a fantastic occasion.

You know,
I've known Sammie

since she was born,
actually.

- I was in the hospital, remember?
- Yeah.

I was in the hospital
that day

and I saw her when she was,
like, five minutes old.

It was not a pretty
sight for me.

It was the first time I ever saw
one of those things, you know.

Um, anyway, what I really want
to talk about tonight

is that
there's a guest here

spreading a vicious,
nasty, scurrilous rumor

about me and a gerbil.

Okay? I'm sure
you've heard it.

And there's not a word of truth
to it, okay?

He has a personal vendetta,
so don't believe one word of that.

It's not true.
However,

in the interest
of full disclosure

I will tell you
that, um,

I do have a tickle
in my anus.

And they're slightly
related to each other.

What did he say?

The point is, it's not true.
I just thought it was

- important to say that.
- That's fine, Larry.

- it's not right that he would spread...
- Thank you very much.

- ... that vicious rumor.
- Larry, thank you very much. Enough.

What are you looking at,
Tessler?

I'll put
a fist up your ass.

How about that,
huh?

Well, um,

if anyone else
has a toast,

something to say...

I'll be right back.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- How are you doing?
- Nice to see you.

- Remember Glenn?
- Sure.

- Sammie looks cute.
- Yeah.

- Very cute. She's all grown up.
- Yeah, I know.

- Oh, your underwear-
- Yes.

- -got 'em on.
- My underwear? You're in the no-fly zone?

- I'm going right over the fence.
- You're over the fence?

- Over the fence.
- Did you miss the gate?

- Not at all.
- Don't even think about the gate?

- Don't even think about it.
- That's wonderful. Thank you.

- You look good.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

This one
goes out to Sammie.

Would you like
to dance?

Um, yes. I mean,
if you don't mind.

- No, please.
- Would you excuse us?

Would you care to dance?

Thank you.

Wake up, wake up!

Get the ball, Daryl!

Slide tackle,
number 2, Black.

- What, you're gonna cite that?
- Of course.

What, are you crazy?
Are you out of your mind?

Get out of here.

Come on.

Stop playing. Stop playing.

- Would y'all calm down?
- Hey, give me that.

- No.
- Don't make me come back there.

It's mine.
It's mine.

Oh, f*ck you, Larry.
Bullshit, m*therf*cker.

- I didn't know.
- You are such a bald assh*le!

- I can't begin to tell you.
- Who the f*ck you think you're talking to?

Don't nobody talk
to my man like that.

You'd better get your ass
out of my house,

- you f*cking bitch.
- Goodbye.

Get your smile on.
Get your smile on.

Get your smile on,
come on.

Am I smiling?
Here we go.