09x06 - Brace Yourself

[bunniefuu]

Just for the record,

You're not putting
that ridiculous

Air freshener
in our car.

Mm. Sounds like
someone wishes

They were half-naked
and smelled like vanilla.

Oh, great. They're doing
the hubcaps.

Now I gotta give the guy
an extra dollar.

Hey, who do you think's
driving the, uh-

The silver toyota?

What?

You know, the one
with the license plate

That says "sexy u".
Um...

I don't know,
I'm gonna go

With the streetwalker
over there.

Could be. Could be.

I'm gonna say something
a little unorthodox.

And go with the chinese couple
right there.

What?
You're crazy.

Wanna make it interesting?

All right.
Bucks.

Ok. What kinda odds
you gonna give me?

Odds?

I'm taking
the chinese couple.

- To- .

You're on.

All right,
here we go.

Damn it!

I was gonna say
mr. Spacely.

All right, come on.

We're up.

Yo. Is the tri-tip
done yet?

Hey, man. Whoa, whoa!

You don't open a smoker

While it's still smoking.

What are you,
some kinda animal?

You put it in, like,
wednesday.

You sure
it's even working?

Uh, I think I know

If my smoker's working
or not, ok?

Yeah, guy,
it's actually cold.

Ok, you know what?
I hope you like cole slaw,

But it's coming along.
It's coming along.

What are you drawing
there, sweetie?

Uncle doug eating a carrot.

A carrot. Hmm.

You have such a good
imagination.

Come on, man. You're
hitting those appletinis

A little hard.

This is a virgin appletini.

This is basically
a juice box in a glass.

What's with the hobbit?

Ah, he lost his job
a couple of weeks ago.

Aw, don't feel
too bad, son.

You know how many
jobs I lost in my life?

.

But working in the subway
is all I've ever known.

Now I feel like...
I don't know,

I- I have no purpose
in life.

Hard to argue with that.

Is the food almost ready?
Everybody's starving.

Yeah. It's coming,
ok?

You know, we have a perfectly
good barbecue right there.

Ok, you wanna
check the attitude?

'Cause I don't know
if you know this,

But smoked meat
is a privilege.

It's not a right,
ok?

You wanna lose
that privilege? Huh?

Hey, anybody else here got
a problem with my smoker?

Seriously... Ok?

'Cause I don't wanna
hear it.

Good to see
everybody, though.

Hey, honey.

Hey, baby.

Uh, where's kirby?

What? You were supposed to
pick him up at the rec center.

No, didn't you get my message?
I said you had to get him

'Cause I was bringing
the ice cream,

I didn't want it
to melt.

I didn't check
my voicemail.

Then why do you have it if
you're not going to check it?

You know, kelly, ever
since you started working-

Oh, don't you even
start with me-

Guys, guys, guys...

I'll go pick up kirby,
ok?

Oh, spence, you don't have to do that.

No, seriously.
I'd be happy to.

Give me a reason not to
put a b*llet in my head.

Thanks, man. Come on.

I made this for you,
arthur.

Oh, what a thoughtful
young man.

What is this supposed to be?

Some kind of monster?

No, it's you.

Don't quit your day job,
picasso!

Aw, there's my
handsome son-in-law.

I'm not lending you
any money, arthur.

For your information,
I'm not asking for a loan.

This would be
an outright gift.

Wha-what are you
talking about?

I want braces.

You mean... For your legs?

No, my teeth.

Major's picture of me
was a wake-up call.

Arthur, this looks
nothing like you.

Except for maybe
the monkey hands.

Oh, please.
All my life

I've been ashamed
of my teeth.

It's what's
held me back.

Yeah, it was the teeth,

Not the violent outbursts.
Yeah.

My orthodontist said I would
only have to wear the braces

To years, and then
I'll be a new man.

I'd finally be able
to approach a woman

Without coquettishly
waving a fan over my mouth.

Arthur, your teeth
are fine.

Douglas, your deep
affection for me

Has blinded you to the truth.

Look at these
"before" pictures.

This is an extreme close-up
of my upper mouth.

Oh, god, put that
away!

So what do you say?

For only $ , ,

I'll be able to get
a million dollar smile.

$ , , That's all?

You know what, uh, let me
just peruse the brochure,

You know, I'll crunch
some numbers together,

And I'll, uh
- I'll get back to you asap, all right?

Thank you, douglas.

Slap it high!
Yo!

Hey, baby.

Hi, honey.

Wow. What smells
so good?

Do not touch
this dish,

It is extremely hot.

Oh, hey, deac.
What are you drinking?

Um... A beer?

Coming right up.

Why-why is my friend
here wearing an apron?

We agreed we needed
some help,

So I hired spence.

So, spence is now
our-our maid?

No, no. He's more
of a houseboy.

He's a good cook,

He's great
with the kids,

And he was so
desperate, I got him

For practically
nothing.

Here you go, big guy.

Uh, thanks, man.

Frosted glass.

Nice touch.

I know that's
how you liked it.

I...

Got myself
a houseboy.

Ha ha ha!

Ahh...

If only my grandpa
were alive to see this.

Sit... Sit.

Sit. Sit-sit. Sit.

Sit. Sit.

Ok, what are you
doing?

Just training
my virtual dog.

Sit. Sit-hey,
don't you growl at me.

Honey, I gotta talk to
you for a second, ok?

One second, let me just hit him
with a virtual newspaper here.

Come on! Bad-
ooh, k*lled him.

Ok, what's up?

Uh, you know my dad talked
to me about the braces.

Braces. I gotta say, one
thing about your father

Is he's never boring.

Actually, he's always boring,
but that was funny!

Actually, i-i
kinda told him

That he can get 'em.

What? Car-are you crazy?

What, doug? What am I supposed to say?

He really wanted
them.

He wants a lot of things!

He wants a helicopter, he wants
me to bankroll his muffin shop.

Come on, now.
You can say no you know.

That's how you keep
from spoiling him.

Jeez.
Look, doug,

I know it's
expensive,

Ok, but I think
it'll really help

His self-esteem
down the road.

Down the road?

Car, I don't know
if you know this,

But his exit's coming up pretty quick.

Ok, if I was him, I'd get
into the right lane about now.

Ok, you're right.
It is ridiculous,

But he's my father.
How am I supposed to tell him

It's too late
to get braces?

Easy, you just say, "look,
we're not getting you braces

"For the same reason
we don't get you

"The big bottle of shampoo at costco.

Because time's not
exactly on your side."

There's the guy.

Dad, he didn't mean-

No, no. He's absolutely
right.

For a second there I
thought I had a future.

Thank you, douglas,
for setting straight

A foolish old man.

No problem.

So what do you think, huh?

Hello? Yeah-

Danny, I told you
not to call me here

When I'm working.

Yeah, well-

I'm not jumping
down your throat,

I'm just asking for a
little consideration.

All right-no.
You know? We-

We will talk
- we will talk about this later.

All right? Good-bye!

Was that your wife?

No, just...

The most exasperating
man in the world.

Oh.

Don't you guys worry,
ok?

I'm-i'm gonna be here
for a long time.

Can I interest you
in some of my...

huevos rancheros?

I'm good.

Stop staring at his mouth.

I can't, carrie. It
looks like he ate a bird.

By the by, douglas,

Could you float me
$ ?

I'll give you
to face the other direction.

What do you need
the money for, dad?

For this
application.

In the spirit of the
new and improved me,

I've decided to go back to school.

Really?

The university of texas?

Ok, that's nice,
but I'm pretty sure

You could take classes at queensborough
community college for free.

Was queensborough named

The number one party school in america?

I don't think so.

Arthur, you just
got braces.

I'm not paying for you
to go away to college, ok?

Really?

Is it because I'm too old to finish

A bottle
of shampoo?

Why don't you try starting
a bottle of shampoo?

Corn meal
works better

At half the price!
All right.

All right.

Dad, let me
look this over, ok?

I'll get back to you.

Great. Fyi,
san diego state

Is my safety school.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, check this out,
man.

Spence made me a panini
sandwich, and look.

He toasted my initials into the bread.

That's great. I'm glad things
are working out well for you.

What's your problem?

Oh, I don't know.

That I'm out almost grand
and this weekend

I've got to take
an -year-old man

On a tour of rutgers.

You know what,

My houseboy sure knows
his way around a sandwich.

You know, this is all
your kid's fault

For drawing that stupid
picture of arthur.

Why can't he just eat his
crayons like I used to?

Well, sorry it didn't work
out for you like it did for me.

What are you talking
about?

Well, a couple of months ago
he made a picture of kelly.

To draw her butt,
he traced a paint can.

She took one look at that

And started hittin'
the treadmill in a big way.

Really?

God is good, bro.

You think major would
draw a picture of carrie?

What for? She doesn't
need to lose weight.

Oh, I know, but there
are other improvements

That, you know...
Hmm?

Even smaller.
You gotta make them smaller.

But that's
how she looks.

Ok, you know what,
give me this. Here.

Ok? There you go.

Now, sign the bottom.
Sign it. Just sign it.

I'm trying to have a romantic
dinner for deacon and kelly.

He should have been
in bed a half hour ago.

Cool your jets,
hazel.

Ok.

Ha ha!

Why does carrie have
the body of a boy?

I could ask you
the same thing.

That smells good. Could you
get me a little of that to go?

Uh, not until you
start paying me . An hour.

So, uh, how was
the bruschetta?

Oh, it's great.
Yummy.

Not too oily?

Well,
maybe a little.

Stupid!

That's the shrimp
fra diablo.

I will not make
the same mistake again.

You didn't have to
make him feel bad.

Did you not hear me rave
about the stuffed mushrooms?

Come on.

Hey, danny, we're kinda
in the middle of dinner.

Yeah, this won't
take long.

What are you doing here?

You block my calls,

My text messages bounce
back to me.

What am I supposed
to do?

Well, you don't come
to where I work.

The palmers are trying
to have their dinner.

Well, you know how I get
when my asthma acts up.

Oh, I guess
that's my fault.

It is when you borrow
my vacuum cleaner

With the hepa filter.

Uh, spence if you'd like

To take your minute
dinner break right now-

No, no. I will take
my dinner break

When the dishes are done
and I've run your bath.

What about my bath, huh?

Oh. Oh, I see
what this is about.

This isn't about me working.

This is about me not waiting
on you hand and foot.

No, it's about you not
doing your part at home.

You haven't cooked me a
hot meal in over weeks!

Oh, i-i-

Ok, fine.

You know what? Here.

Here's some shrimp,
some garlic bread,

Aged pepperino.

Sit. Sit down.

All right, you know what,
we're gonna go to bed.

We got to get up
early, so-

Really tired.
Fine.

Oh. All right.

Work my fingers
to the bone.

Hmm.

What?

What do you want me
to say?

Delicious.

It's not too oily?

A little.

But you know that's
how I like it.

Hey, babe.
Hey.

How's it going?

You know what some guy said
on the phone to me today?

"What country
are you from?"

Do I not sound
american?

That's crazy.
That's crazy.

Could you get me something
out of the fridge?

What do you need,
honey?

A... Relish.

What for?

I just forgot
what it smells like.

I can't remember.

Not for the life
of me, you know.

What's that?

Oh, yeah.

Major felt bad that, uh, he
didn't draw you at the barbecue,

So... There you are.

Well, enjoy your trip
down memory lane.

Thank you.

So I say to the guy,
"if I don't sound american"-

Man, he's got some
skills, too, doesn't he?

Looks exactly like you.

Exactly like me?
I look like a little boy.

Oh, my god.
I just...

Totally put my foot
in my mouth.

I'm sorry.

What are you talking about?

'Cause I just said it
looked exactly like you,

And you said it looks
like a little boy.

Which means you look
like a little boy.

Whatever. I'm gonna go
take a shower.

Carrie, I'm so sorry
about all this.

About what?

The picture
that major drew of you.

I see how upset you are.

You know, it's like he just doesn't
care who he hurts, this little guy.

I'm fine with it.

Hmm. No, you're not.

But I'll tell you
what you are.

You're brave.

Hmm.

What-what's that?

I mean, all of a sudden
I'm, like, self-conscious.

Stupid, right?

No, not at all.

I mean, your dad saw something
wrong with his picture

And he did something
about it.

Hats off to him.

There is something that...

Forget it.
Forget it.

Oh, ok, yeah.

I'll just forget
about it

And just let my girl
suffer in silence.

Come here, baby.
Talk to me.

Ok, well...

There is something
that I've always wanted

To change about my body.

Oh, my god, do you think I
should do something about it?

Look, you know
I love you

And think you're beautiful
just the way you are,

But if you feel you want
something changed

Or... Augmented,

I just want you to know
I'm there for you.

You know what,
I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna get
calf implants!

Now, is calf
a brand name or...

No, no. I mean,
I looked into it once

And they're pretty pricey,

But I could finally
have the shape

That I've always wanted.

You know, my legs
will really pop on the subway.

Honey, thank you!

Oh!
Yeah!

Yeah!
Ok.

Ooh, I'm gonna google
a doctor right now.

Oh, you gotta do it
right away.

Get on it.

Ok!

Arthur, what are
you eating?

Salt water taffy.

But the dentist said you're not
supposed to eat anything sticky.

I don't care.

But it'll wreck
your braces.

Good. I hate them!

What?

They teased me
at the senior center today.

Metal mouth,
brace face.

They were as cruel
as they were clever.

Well, these braces
are coming off right now.

Are you kidding me?

Hey, I spent $ ,
on your braces,

And I'm about to spend
a couple grand more

On a part of carrie's body
that I don't even look at!

You put them down!

My body, my choice.

Aah!
Arthur!

Yeah, so can you give me,
like, kelly ripa's calves?

Give 'em to me!
No!

Ow!
You bit me!

I hope you have
a tetanus sh*t.

No, no,
everything's fine.

That's-that's just the tv.

Ahem. So how's wednesday?

Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.