09x07 - Home Cheapo

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The King of Queens". Aired September 21, 1998 - May 14, 2007.*
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Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
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09x07 - Home Cheapo

Post by bunniefuu »

A- bub-bub-bub-bub!

You have a seat,
young lady.

Today, I am taking
care of breakfast.

Whatever you're in the
mood for, you just name it.

Oh! Ok.

Um, how about a short stack of pancakes?

Ok, I'm making eggs.

Ok. I'll have ,
sunny side up.

Already scrambled.

Perfect! Perfect.

Whoop. Got a little
shell in there.

Jeez.

All right,
here we go.

Come on, buddy.

Take it to the edge.
Take it to the edge!

Take it to the edge
- I got it.

I got it.

Dammit!

It's all right.
Take it to the edge.

Not gonna work
- I'm just gonna grab it here.

I got it.
I got-whoop!

I got a hair
in there.

Take it to the edge.

Take the hair
to the edge.

I got it.

We're all good.

What the hell
is that?

You know what? I'm just
gonna grab something at work.

Come on!

Whatever it is, the
heat'll k*ll it. Just stay!

Hey, arthur.

Hey.

Um, is carrie home?

Nope, they're out
with friends.

I just finished
watching tv in their bed.

Mum's the word.

She said she had a
book on résumé writing

That she
would loan me.

I- I gotta
find a new job.

My unemployment runs
out in, like, a week.

Ah, yes, no more sucking
on the taxpayer's teat!

I can teach you everything
you need to know.

Uh-huh. Um, arthur,
I think I'd rather

Learn from someone who's
been successful at...

Anything.

Touché. It's true.

I've never held
a job very long,

But I've landed myself
over of them-

One as a woman!

Yeah, I'm gonna keep
looking for that book.

Look, spencer. All day
long, I sit in that basement

Doing the word jumbles
and praying for death.

If I could help
someone else succeed,

I'd be accomplishing
something.

Let me live
through you, huh?

I- all right,
what do we do?

Come downstairs.

We'll play
some trust games

And take it
from there.

Come on-
let's go, baby.

I'm glad we did
something different.

Nah, that's the last
magic show I go to.

I don't need to pick
a card or see a bunny.

Those metal hoops-

They can keep 'em
together, take 'em apart-

I- i-i don't care!

Well, I thought
he was amazing.

Man, you're just upset
'cause he said he needed

A bigger saw
to cut you in half.

If a magician
needs to be hurtful,

He's not very good.

All right, next weekend
we'll do something

That's a little
more your speed.

Actually, we got
plans next weekend.

No, we don't.
Yeah, we do.

All right, look,
I was gonna wait,

But I've had
something poking me

In the pocket
all night long.

You think you're gonna keep
that going till next weekend?

You know what
these are?

We got it?

I just signed
the papers today.

Oh!

Wha...? Wha-what's going on?

We got a vacation home.

What?

Can you
believe it?

I cannot believe it!

I forgot
the saucers.

So where is it?

It's, like, hours
outside of the city,

Right on this little lake.

You guys are
gonna love it.

Oh, you know what?
Hey-let's celebrate

With some cake!

Oh, my god, I'm so
happy. This is fantastic.

What's the matter?

Don't tell me
we're out of cake.

No!

Then what is it?

What is it?

How can you say,
"what is it?"

Whom is it?

Doug, they bought
a vacation house.

A vacation house!

I get it.
Ok, you're sad

'Cause your friends
are happy.

Come here,
someone needs a hug!

No. No!
I understand.

Listen to me, man.

I mean, how come we can't
afford a vacation house?

You make just as much
money as deacon does

And she doesn't
work at all!

Maybe their
rich uncle d*ed.

I didn't know
they have a rich uncle.

I don't think they do. Oh, come on!

Look, maybe they got
some sort of settlement.

Oh, like from
a malpractice suit.

A botched surgery maybe?

Yes, yes.

Oh, yeah,
look at that.

Kelly's boobs
do not look right.

Eh, her boobs are as
good as yours or mine.

H- hey.

How many people does
it take to cut a cake,

Am I right? We'll be
right in, all right.

You just slap
a smile on your face

And you pretend you like it when
good things happen to other people.

All right?
They're waiting.

No, I can't. Just make
an excuse or something.

I- I have
to get into bed.

Carrie. Look.

They may have a vacation home on a lake,

But we got something much better.

What?

We got this.

All right. You done
with that résumé yet?

I want to be at the pool by : .

Yeah, here.

Take a look.

"Name-
spence olchin."

Not loving it.

My name?

What do you think
of "clark gable"?

I- what?

"Clark gable" will
get you in doors.

It's an icebreaker-

"Oh, my goodness! Your
name is clark gable!

You're hired!"

I- I'm gonna stick
with spence olchin.

It's your funeral.

Now, what did you put
under special skills?

Oh, um-
"type words a minute."

Uh, "familiar with excel and
powerpoint computer programs."

Uh, "speak spanish
and, uh, certified c.p.r."

Mm-hmm.

And are you applying for
a job at a boredom factory?

What am I supposed to do?

Nothing. You're brutal on paper.

All right, let's move on to the...

Mock interview.

Ok. All right.

All right,
mr. Olchin.

Tell me why you think you would be

An asset
to this company.

Uh, well, during my tenure with
the metropolitan transit authority,

I learned
to deal with people,

And I think that that's
given me the abili-

What are you doing?

Giving you a taste
of the real world.

Now stop worrying
about my hand

And tell me where
you see yourself

In years.

Well, in year,
i- oh, god...

so, we're so looking
forward to having you guys


Come up to the house
on saturday.

I mean, the weather's
supposed to be great.

I gotta be honest.
Unless the weather

Affects
the cable reception,

It's all the same to me.

Nah, really, man,

It's a whole different world up there.

And we found this awesome restaurant.

It's a converted barn.

Mmm-don't you just love it
when you find things?

Like, you ever just
walk down the street

And find, like,
a big bag of money?

Never happened to you?

Does that ever
happen to anyone?

I don't know.

Does it?

So, uh, how's
your rich uncle doing?

I don't have
a rich uncle.

Anymore...

'Scuse me.

Hello?
Oh, hey, denise.

Is everything
ok with the kids?

Ok-oh...

Listen, we'll be home
in minutes.

Major has another
ear infection.

Oh, no.
Mm.

Uh, you know, we should get the check.

Oh, no, no, no,
we got it, we got it.

Get out of here-go.
Go, take care of it.

Thanks, man. All right. Thanks, guys.

Later, guys.

Jeez.

Hope major's ok.

Huh.

What?

You see what
just happened here?

We're picking up the check.

I think that
happens a lot.

Carrie,
their kid is sick.

Was he?

I mean, did we actually hear
the other end of the phone call?

No, we did not.

How do we know there's even
a "denise, the babysitter"?

I met her-she's hot.

And it's not just
about paying for dinner.

I mean, kelly never
has her wallet.

I'm always buying her
gum and magazines

And she says,
"I'll catch you next time."

Well, she ain't
caught me yet.

You know, you're right.

You know, when deacon and I
went to jimmy's bachelor party,

Guess who laid out the
money for the stripper

To do all
the extra stuff-me.

That's 'cause you're
a good guy, baby.

Oh! And who watches their
kids all the time for free?

That saves 'em
a crapload of money!

Hell, yeah,
denise is expensive...

And hot.

Ok, you mentioned that.

I'm just saying-
she's very hot.

She should be, like,
a model or something.

Hey, how tall do you
have to be, like, a model?

'Cause she's,
like, ' "-

Ok, stop with the denise. Ok.

Ok? Ooh-
I have a big one.

Who paid for the magic
show the other night?

Oh-abracadabra, us!

Exactly.

Oh, wait a second.
No, they said

They were gonna pay
for dessert later.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Except we never
went for dessert

Because kelly wanted to stop at
our house to use the bathroom.

Yeah-oh, our house, where
the dessert is always free!

Yeah!
God, they're good!

That's how they can afford
their fancy getaway,

'Cause we helped
pay for it!

Unbelievable...

Here's your check,

And your friend's
doggy bag.

Well, you know what?
This is coming home with me.

Huh?

Huh, what
do you think?

Wow!

Check out our view
of the lake.

Wow!

Oh, just throw your stuff on the bench.

Wow!

I'll take
your bag upstairs.

Just make
yourself comfortable.

remember, our casa
es su casa.


Ok! Got that right.

I tell you, I look
around here and I think,

"This should be mine.

"My fireplace,
my living room, my-

Ugly-ass pillow with
ducks wearing raincoats!"

This all should be mine!

Look at this.
They got a canoe.

I'll tell you one thing-
that's coming home with me.

All right, what are you gonna
do with a canoe in queens?

what am I not gonna do
with a canoe in queens?


Doug, we can't
stay here this weekend.

You can't ride tandem
bikes with people you hate.

Well, I'll tell you something-i'm
gonna only pretend to pedal.

yeah. I wanna see them
pull this up bear mountain.


Yeah!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Wait a second,
would you-

Listen to us.

Come on, we can't
be doing this.

Doug, I'm sorry, but this whole
thing ruined our friendship.

We gotta get on
the next bus home.

Carrie, they're
our best friends!

All right, look, there's gotta
be a way we can work this out.

All right,
how 'bout this?

Starting now, no more pickin' up checks,

No more
free babysitting,

No more nothin'.

Yeah.

The gravy train
stops here.

And no jokes about the gravy
train always stopping here, ok?

We're on the same team-
don't you ruin that.

Hey, arthur.
Hey, spencer!

Today we'll go over the dos
and don'ts of interview dress.

That is a "don't."

Look, arthur, I tracked
down a really good job.

It's in
a publishing company.

Really?

Yeah. Check this out.

"Generous starting pay,

"Benefits,
creative environment,

No experience necessary."

I interview there
monday morning!

That's wonderful,
my boy.

You're going
to get that job,

And your victory
will be my victory.


Arthur, i-

I really wanna thank you
for helping me out.

I mean-i mean,

Your methods were
a little... Invasive,

But, um, I really think they
gave me the confidence I needed.

Think nothing of it.
You know what?

I have a dickey
you can borrow.

It's downstairs
in my bureau.

Uh, you know what,
I'm just gonna-

I'll febreze it
and you'll wear it!

Thanks, arthur.

Um, arthur, why is
your hand down there?

Are you still prepping me
for the interview?

Sure.

Hey, where's
doug and carrie?

The reservation's
at : .

Oh, they're coming.
Mm.

Wow, it's been nice having
them up here with us, huh?

Yeah, they're
really great.

If you like
cheap white people.

I know.
What is with them?

I mean, we let 'em
stay at our house

And we pay
for everything.

The lunch,
the jet skis.

Well, they better
pay for dinner tonight.

Oh... They will.

Ok, all right, I got one for you. Ok.

titanic.

Bill paxton
or bill pullman?

Bill paxton.

All right.
All right.

While you were sleeping-
paxton or pullman?

Please, that is
pure pullman.

Come on, I'm not even
breaking a sweat here.

All right, all right,
I got one for you.

casper,
the friendly ghost.


Unh.
Paxton or pullman?

I was just
watching this-uh...

I wanna say paxton.

No? No?
Wrong-drink!

Drink.
Oh, man.

Here's your check.

Dinner.

Dinner be done.

That it be.

Thanks, you guys.
This was great.

Oh, no...

Thank you.

So the mets are looking
good this year, right?

Yeah, they are,
they are.

They-they can always use
another starter, but, uh...

I likes what I see.

Oh, kelly, there's
a fly right there.

Oh, sorry-
missed it.

God, is it me, or is it
a million degrees in here?

It's just you.

Wow, you know,
look at the time.

We should
probably take off.

Oh, god!

Doug!
Oh, my god!

Are you hurt?

I just stabbed my foot
with a butter Kn*fe.

I'm very much
hurt, yes.

We gotta go take care of this.

We got to-sorry.

Never a dull moment
with this one, right?

We'll see you
back at the house.

Nicely done.

Oh, yeah.
I play to win.

Now let's go-

My shoe's
filling with blood.

Hi, I'm spence olchin. I have
a a.m. With bob stillman.

Just have a seat. He'll
be with you in a moment.

well, it was a real pleasure
meeting you, mr. Gable.


Call me clark.

Let's make
this happen.

Arthur, what are
you doing here?

Nailing an interview.

You applied for the
job I told you about?

You snooze, you lose.

No, I didn't snooze.
I got here early.

I'm sorry, spence,
but don't you see?

This is my last chance
for success.

No, you-you said
if I was successful,

you were gonna
live through me.


Change of plans.

You're gonna
live through me.

Mr. Olchin?

Mr. Stillman will see you now.

Ok. You know
what, arthur?

I'm gonna
go in there,

I'm gonna
dazzle them,

And I'm gonna
get this job.

And you'll have done
all of this for nothing.

Don't count it- I bad-mouthed
you pretty good. Mm-hmm.

Ok, we're ready.

Ok, good.

Hey, honey,
we've got, like, no gas.

Oh, ok.

You guys continue packing.
I'll go fill the car up.

That-that'd
be great. Thanks.

So you got, like,
a texaco card or...?

Sorry, I already
packed my wallet.

Oh, really, which bag? Doug
will get it. Doug, get it.

Ok.

That's ok.

I think it's good
where it is.

It's just that
we paid for gas

On the
way up here,

And it's
not cheap.

well, I know
what is cheap.


I know what
is cheap, too.

I don't think you
do know what is cheap.

i do know
what's cheap!


Yeah, really? What's cheap? You guys!

What?! Yeah, that's right.

We are?

Brother, you stabbed
your own damn foot

To get out of
paying the check.

Yeah, that's because
that's the only way

we can get out
of picking up a check.


What are you
talking about?

We paid for everything all weekend.

We have been carrying
you guys for years.

What?!

Gum and strippers
ain't free, buddy.

Yeah. And don't even get
us started on holiday gifts.

Yeah, is it christmas
or kwanzaa? Pick one!

I can't believe
what I'm hearing.

Guy, how much money
do I spend on you

At lunch every day?

Look-hey, we always
split the bill in half.

We don't split
the food in half.

All right, ok, listen.

If you haven't been
sponging off us for years

And you don't have
a dead rich uncle,

Then how do you explain

That you guys can afford
this place and we can't?

Not that it's any of your business,

But we have been saving for this place

For a very
long time.

We've been taking
part of my paycheck

Every week
and putting it aside.

Look, we've cut back on
takeout, gifts for each other.

We really sacrificed.

Well, I don't need
your whole life story.

And anyway, we can
save if we wanted to.

Then...
Why didn't we?

Why didn't we?

You're asking me,
"why didn't we?"

Are you saying
it's my fault?

Uh, excuse me,
but I'm not the one

who invests my paycheck
in white castle every night.


Hey, first of all, I
almost always have a coupon,

Which is more than you
can say when you go buy

Your fancy
halston dresses!

Ok, I don't have
any halston dresses, idiot.

It's not .

I'm gonna be
in the car!

Wait, I saw you packing
some pretty fancy clothes

With some fruity labels,
and that spells cash!

yeah, you don't even
know how to spell cash!


So we ever gonna tell them
about the, uh, bad boob job?

Uh, hell no! We take that to the grave!

I mean... They're looking
a lot better, right?

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Gable.

We checked
your résumé.

None of your references
have ever heard of you,

And that social security
number you gave us

Is the gamblers
anonymous hotline.

We're gonna have
to ask you to leave.

All right, then.

So tell me about your new job, big guy.

Nice try, spanky.

I already got fired.
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