09x08 - Offensive Fowl

[bunniefuu]

What the-

Excuse me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, my god.

You saw. He ran right out
in front of me.

Oh, my god.
Come on. Come on.

Don't you die on me.

Oh. He's... He's ok.

Does anybody know
who he belongs to?

Hold it.

Oh. Mr. Kaufman.

Carrie.

I guess I'm not the only
one late today, huh?

I got here at a.m.

Mmm.

What you got
there, a book?

Oh. "The contortionist's
daughter."

It follows
a bedridden professor

And his growing
disillusionment

In th-century
prussia.

Ooh. That sounds
fascinating.

Well... Then here.

What?

I just finished it
this morning.

You can have
my copy.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, please. I'd love
to have someone

To discuss it with.

My wife thinks
, pages

Is too long
for a book.

Sometimes I forget
she's only .

Well... Enjoy.

Will do.

Crap.

What do you mean
you don't take chickens?

You're animal control.

I betcha if I had
a dog or a cat,

You'd be rolling out
the red carpet.

Hello? Hello?

So, uh... Should I
drop you off here or...

"As yergen applied an ointment
to his withered leg,

"He thought back to his days
as an apprentice baker.

Hey. I'm home.

Hey.

Where you been? I had
dinner ready for hours.

You wouldn't
believe my day.

I had to drive all the way
up to plattsburg.

What?

Crazy story. I'm delivering
in chinatown, right?

And all of a sudden-

Ah, good. It's still
nice and juicy.

Stop it!

What's the matter
with you?

I gotta get some air.

Oh, my god.

Hey, doug.

Hey, glenn.

What's wrong?

Nothing.
It's stupid.

Problems
aren't stupid.

People who
ignore them are.

It's just... Today I helped
this injured chicken,

And I sort of got
attached to him,

And then when
I came home,

Carrie had dinner
waiting for me.

Let me guess.
Chicken?

Yeah. I told you
it was stupid.

No, doug, it isn't.

Do you have
any idea

What goes on
at a poultry mill?

It's barbaric.

I guess I'm pretty much
done eating chicken.

I'll tell you
that much.

Hey, thank god I didn't
make friends with a cow.

You know
what I'm saying?

After they're stunned,

The cattle enter
the death chute

Where they are k*lled,
dismembered,

And prepared
for processing.

Is it almost over?

Not until you learn
how hot dogs are made.

It's ok, doug.
It's ok, doug.

What's the matter?

Glenn just showed me
some movie

About how meat
is made,

And now
I can't eat it.

Come on.

Carrie, I'm serious.

I was just down
in the refrigerator.

You know what I ate?
An apple!

Oh, my god.

And a yodel,
but still, I just...

Doug, I don't understand.

You eat fast food
or times a week.

It never occurred to you
that animals were involved?

Because they don't make
it look like an animal.

They're very clever
that way.

What...
What are you doing?

Just talk about meat
and do stuff to me, ok?

I got to link it
to something good again.

No. Ok, as flattering
as that is,

I have another idea.

Why don't you just
stop eating meat?

I mean, you had
an apple, right?

Oh, come on. No.

My body tried
to reject it.

Thank god the yodel
kept it down.

Doug, maybe this whole
thing is fate, you know,

A chance for you
to start eating better.

You know, stick around
a little longer...

And burp less.

I guess I could try.
I mean, you know...

I've eaten meat
for over years.

It's not like they're
coming out with anything new.

Come on. We've been here
all night.

Any new burger ideas at all?

Ok.

How about we revisit
the miami stacker?

We've been over that
a dozen times.

No bun in the world
could support patties.

It's just physics.

Yeah. Yeah,
you're right.

Nobody wants a burger
that keeps falling down.

Pen. Pen.

"The leaning tower
of pizza burger."

The bottom bun
is a mini pizza.

I guess the old dog still
has one more trick in him.

God, I love you.

What?
Nothing.

Great idea,
boss.

Well, look at you,

Enjoying
your tofu sausage

And "I can't believe
they're not eggs."

Yep.

You know what makes
them taste better?

Knowing I'm doing
the right thing...

And a buttload
of hot sauce.

I am really proud
of you, honey.

Ah, it's no big deal,
really.

When did you
get glasses?

The doctor said I probably
needed them for years,

But I didn't know it
until I started reading

All the stuff
that glenn gave me.

Russian river, letters.

Volga.

What?

It's nothing.

No, come on.
What? Tell me.

It's just...

You probably shouldn't
be drinking coffee.

Why? Is there
meat in it?

No, but the people
who pick the beans

Work under
very terrible conditions.

Juan valdez, that nice
guy with the donkey...

He's an actor, carrie.
I know that now.

Wow. Page .

You're almost
halfway through.

Oh. I just can't seem
to put it down.

You know, they should
make this into a movie.

Have they?

Oh, no. It's
considered unfilmable.

Listen, we're having
a little shindig on saturday

To celebrate the opening
of seven water plaza.

I'd love
for you to come.

Really? I thought that was
just for the partners

And, you know, big sh*ts.

It is. Ha ha ha.

Got to have
my book buddy there.

We're going to have
a lot to talk about.

Dugan group.

Hey, babe.

Hey, honey.
What's going on?

Uh, nothing.
Just telling you

Not to fill up
on anything

Because for dinner,
I'm making bean steaks.

Again? Ha ha ha.

Yummy!

Oh, actually,
I just remembered.

I have to work
late tonight.

Yeah.
Really?

Oh, all right. Well,
if you get hungry,

Just look
in your purse.

I put in
some snap peas.

Yeah.

Yeah, I saw that.

But next time,
you might want to

Put them
in a little baggie.

Not biodegradable.

Ok. I got to go, babe.

Hi, carrie.

What are you
doing here?

Please don't tell doug.

I just needed to eat
something with a face.

What's going on
with him, anyway?

He just found something
that he's passionate about.

It just so happens
that it's a little annoying.

A little annoying?
Can you tell him

To stop throwing
paint on my pants?

He thinks corduroy
is an animal.

Hey.

Hey.
What's up?

How's the new job?

How do you think
it's going, man?

I stand on the sidewalk
all day holding this.

Yeah. Well, at least
no one's peeing on you,

Like when you worked
in the subway.

Ha. Guess again.

Uh...

Oh. "The contortionist's
daughter."

I heard a really good
review of this

On npr's "book nook"
the other day.

Really?
Yeah.

Hey, um... Any chance
you want to read it

And write a little
summary for me?

Please. It would
help me out so much.

I'd love to, but I don't
have the time.

I have to be out
with my sign all week.

Free phone. Free phone.
Free... Phone.

Classic yergen.

Oh, hey, babe.

Hey.

Oh, just so you know,
for our anniversary,

I made reservations
at the sproutback.

Is that ok?

Spence finished
the book already?

No. He said he couldn't
get past page .

Now I'm glad
I got him fired.

I don't know
what his problem is.

I got to tell you,
it's pretty interesting.

You're reading it?

Yeah. First
hundred pages

Starts out
a little rough,

But once you realize
it's meant to be

Allegorical, it's
a real page-turner.

Hey, honey, any chance
you can finish this book

By kaufman's party
on saturday and fill me in?

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, speaking
of the party,

I got you something to wear.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Check it out.

Read the label.

It's % pure
unprocessed hemp.

It's from the woody
harrelson collection.

Honey, I appreciate all this.
I really do.

But I think you're throwing
a lot at me at once.

I mean, I'm just
getting used

To the "one flush a day"
rule, so...

But you are... You're
gonna wear it, right?

Yes.

You keep reading
that book, baby,

And I'm going to
try it on

For you right now.

All right.
Ok.

That's my girl.
Yeah.

"Size- human."

You're always worried

About someone wearing
the same dress.

Not tonight.

All right. All right.
Forget about the dress.

I want to go over

The notes you gave me
for kaufman, ok?

Themes, symbolism,
bread as a motif.

Is that how
you spell "motif"?

What do you think?

Carrie. Doug.

Glad you could make it.

You remember
my wife amy.

Hey.

Yes. Of course.

She was our intern
last summer.

Bacon-wrapped scallop?

Amy made them.

She's taking classes down
at the culinary institute.

Have one.

No. That's ok.
Thank you.

You're not
hungry, doug?

Actually, I'm very hungry.
It's just, uh...

Mmm... I'm a vegetarian.

Honey, it's just
a little itty-bitty thing.

Why don't you
just have one?

I'm afraid I don't
eat animals...

Especially when they're
wrapped in other animals.

Well, I think
there's some melon.

I'll pick off
the prosciutto.

No, no. He's ok. Yeah,
that's not gonna work.

You know what? I'll go
empty out some mushroom caps.

Just make sure
there's no remnants.

Ok? No remnants.

So, carrie,
have you finished

"The contortionist's
daughter" yet?

Finished it?
Devoured it. Ha!

And?

Loved it!

I knew you would.

Yeah. You know
what I realized?

Yergen was never as free

As when he was
confined to that bed.

Yes! And what about
his obsession

With the umbrella?
What was that all about?

Oh. Oh, yeah.
The umbrella...

Um... Was his need
for shelter...

In a...
In an unfriendly world.

How astute.
Well, I'm glad

You enjoyed it
as much as I did.

Oh, yes, I did.

I'll tell you
something.

There's nothing
I enjoy more

Than curling up
with a good book

And a nice cup
of coffee.

Mm-hmm.

Doug, I was really scoring some
big points on that stupid book.

And then you had to go on
ranting to mr. Kaufman

About juan valdez
and his donkey.

I wasn't ranting.
I was educating.

Sweet. My seeds
are here.

Hello,
fresh radishes.

Enough already.

What is
your problem?

What's my problem?

Ok. Well, ever since
you stopped eating meat

And started reading, you've
been acting like an ass.

Ok? How long are you
going to keep this up?

Ok. First of all,
don't like the language.

Second of all,
this is forever.

This is for life.

Oh, my god.
Would you stop it already?

Stop what?

That whole thing
where you say something

And then pause
for emphasis

And then say
the same exact thing

Only slightly differently.
It's so sickening, man.

I get it.

You're... You're
threatened by me.

What?

Yeah.
That's right.

Because...
I am evolving,

And you-

You...

Are remaining stagnant
in your ignorant ways.

Ok. You know what?
I really-i had enough.

That's it. Ok?

I had enough
of the compost heaps

And the straw mattress.

And let me tell you
something else, buddy.

Your reading days
are over. Yeah.

Hey. Hey!

Throw it out! Throw out
all the books you want!

The new doug heffernan's here,
and he ain't going anywhere!

So the numbers are pretty clear,

If you just...
If you just look

At the comparison
between-

Yes? What is it?

This is from my mole
at ultra burger.

They've got
a whole new burger.

They're taking it
national on may st.

The bottom bun
is a pizza?

Oh, my god.

Ok. Listen up.

You all scrap whatever
you're working on.

We're going to launch
our answer to this

On the st.

If those bastards
want a burger w*r,

We're going to
give them one.

Ah...

Patties?

Mamma mia!
That's a-gonna fall!

The leaning tower
of pizza burger,

Now at ultra burger.
Prices may vary.

The smokehouse-

It ain't about layers.
It's about flavor.

One burger
smoked to perfection.

Get it now at d.c. Jr.'S.

Patties?

Mamma mia!
That's a-gonna fall!

The leaning tower
of pizza burger,

Now at ultra burger.

Aah!

Hey.

What are you doing?

Carrie got me fired
from the other job,

But this one's
so much better.

Here. Have a coupon.

Get away from me.

Where are you going?

I'll give you all
the coupons you want!

Oh, yeah.

Good night, g*ng.

He's ok. He's ok.