09x09 - Mild Bunch

[bunniefuu]

Hey!

Baby, that face is really

Going to set us back
in the bedroom.

Sorry, I'm just,

You know, my high school
reunion, I'm pumped.

Yeah, I noticed that

When you karate-kicked
my makeup mirror.

You know what?
That's the way I was

Back in high school,
too, man.

I hung with
a pretty rough crowd.

Don't be surprised if tonight
you get a call from the cops.

Oh, why? Is it illegal
to wear stonewashed?

All right, sounds like
someone's lashing out

'Cause they're a little
insecure about me going stag.

No, honey, I want you to
have a good time, all right.

I just want to rent a
movie tonight and relax.

All right, but you're
playing with fire,

'Cause a lot of these ladies

Haven't seen the machinery
in a while.

Mm-hmm.

Did you take
your lactose pill?

No, not yet.

Ok.
I didn't take it.

What?

Talk to me about
the hair, woodruff.

Aw, come-

according to cosmo men,

This look is all over
europe right now.

Yeah.

One more reason
not to go to europe.

Oh, by the way,
spence,

If I hook up
with someone tonight,

You're going to have
to sleep someplace else,

All right,
per our agreement.

W- wait.

What if I hook up
with someone

And you have to sleep
somewhere else

Per our agreement?

'Cause I said it first,
I got dibs.

No, you can't call dibs.

I pay half the rent.

Has this whole
"bring a woman home" thing

Ever actually come up?

Well, yeah.

Excuse me,

Where is your
v.h.s. Section?

Uh, right over there.

That's it?

That's the only tapes
you have?

One for every person
who still has a v.c.r.

Wait, I know you.

Aren't you the old man
that got me fired

From the java hut?

Doesn't ring a bell,
but you do look like

A person
who might annoy me.

You know, it took me
months to find a new job.

I had to go on welfare.

Well, you've made quite
the comeback, excuse me.

Dad?

Oh, hello, darling.

Hey, it's funny
running into you here.

Just renting a movie
to watch tonight.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Since I don't have

A digital vd player
in my room,

The selections
are pretty sparse.

Well, hey, I envy you,

I mean, I have
way too many choices.

It's always something,
right?

Mm-hmm.

All right, well,
I'll see you tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, um, dad,
I was thinking, um,

Do you want to rent
a movie

And watch it together
tonight?

I'd love to.

We haven't seen a movie together
since you were , remember?

death wish, yeah.

Well, this time my little
girl picks any movie she wants.

Ok, good!

Let's see, um,

What do we got here?

oh! How about, uh,
in her shoes?

That's supposed
to be good.

Veto.

Why?

Because in ,
shirley maclaine

Cut me off in line
at the rite aid.

I will not give
that woman a dime,

Not in any of her lives.

Have fun.

We got plenty
of drinks.

And food.

And food? Oh, yeah,
I get it, I'm still big.

Yeah, ok.

Matthew klein,
you sick, sick man!

Doug, great to see you!

God, I figured you'd
be in jail by now.

Well, might as well be.

Marriage, am I right?

So, hey, did you ever end
up doing that stuntman thing?

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm a stay-at-home dad.

But, you know, with little
monsters running around,

That's pretty dangerous,
too.

Ok, man, later!

So, uh,

What do you say we duck
out of here a little early

and go back to casa de danny
for a little post-reunion union?

No, thanks.

Oh, come on.

I remember how you used
to stare at me

All through
biology class.

Actually I was staring
at your lab partner jake.

He's my husband now.

Ha ha ha!
Yeah.

Boy, talk about going a
long way to make me jealous.

So, are we going
to do this or what?

Oh, and I'm totally
allergic to any kind of nut.

Oh, me-me too.

I have a picture of mr.
Peanut on my dartboard.

But I can't do anything
with it

Because I'm also
allergic to dart feathers.

Oh, I can top that.

If I even see a banana,
I run screaming.

Man, that's swell.

You know,
i- I can't believe

We went to the same high
school together and never met.

Yeah, not even in
the special cafeteria.

Well, I'm, um...

I'm very glad
we finally met tonight.

You know what?

I'm going to go talk to my
friend for just a second,

But I'll be right back.

Mmm, you better be.

All right, this is lame.
Ready to go to ihop?

Uh...

Actually, I think I'm going
to be needing the apartment.

What?

Yeah. See that cutie
over there by the bar?

Uh, if things go
as planned,

She's leaving with me.

Melinda rayburn?

Mm-hmm.

I remember her. She-she
came out senior year.

She came out?
Of what?

She's gay, spence.

Are you crazy?

She wore a tuxedo
to the prom.

And she went
with a girl...

Who wore a tuxedo
to the prom.

Well, you know what?

Um, looks like old spence

Is bringing her back
to the men's department.

Or maybe
she doesn't realize

She's in
the men's department.

What are you saying?

Well, think about it,
man.

It's dark in here, she's
had a couple of drinks.

You walk in with
your leather

And your little
faux-hawk.

Maybe she got
the wrong idea, bro.

Wait, are you
- are you saying she thinks I'm a...

Lesbian?

Well, I'm getting a k.d.
Lang kinda thing going on.

You know what? This is-
this is ridiculous!

I mean,
I'm clearly a man.

This has never been
an issue.

All right, well, whatever
you say there, spike. Ahem.

If I even see
a banana, I run screaming.

That is a beaut.

Oh, yeah.

I'm already looking
for my next one.

Yeah, like
my wife says,

If you can't
find me at home,

You can find me
at the camera store.

Home depot.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, come on, guys.

What do you say we do
something crazy tonight,

Like old times.

Let's get nutty!

Yeah, like what?

I don't know.

Let's go pick on
some nerds.

Hey, that spence guy
is here.

All right!

Jeff "the beast" sussman!

Call security,
look who's here!

Hey, buddy!

Great to see you.
What's going on, man?

Oh, thank god you're here,
by the way.

It is brutal over there.

Squires, he just tried
to get me in a bridge game.

Oh, you're really going
to like this one.

Guess who the
vice principal is now.

Who?

Me.

Yeah, the vice principal
is you.

What?

Yeah.

But you were the guy

Who set our vice principal on fire.

I didn't set him
on fire.

I set a garbage can
on fire.

He caught fire trying
to put out that fire.

But you were the craziest
kid in school, man.

I don't know,
I guess I got some help.

I grew up.

Excuse me, mr. Sussman.

Yeah, principal nagel,
how are you?

Uh, we seem to be
running out of soda.

I want you to run down
to the store.

You think maybe we could get one
of the catering guys to do it?

I, uh, was just catching up
with doug here.

Hey, sir.
How ya doing?

Heffernan.

Looks like the vertical never
caught up with the horizontal.

Oh, and get me some of that
ginger ale that I like, please.

Absolutely, sir!

Don't worry, darling.

That's not a real gorilla.

It's actually a man
in a gorilla suit.

Yeah, the zipper in the
back kinda gave it away.

Oh, here comes
the best part.

The gorilla's going to scare
him, and he's going to faint.

There! He just did it.

Did you see?

Why didn't you laugh?

Because you're kinda
telling me

What's going to happen
before it happens,

And then while
it happens,

And then again
after it happens.

W- what are you doing?

I'm going to go
back to that video store

And get something
you don't hate.

No, dad, you don't have
to do that.

I'm enjoying it,
I mean it-

No, you just tell me

What my little girl
would like to see.

in her shoes?

I'll find something.

Ginger ale, ginger ale,
ginger ale...

Where's the ginger ale?

Oh, man, we might have
to go somewhere else.

Oh, just stop, all right.

Man, look at this, here.

Lemon-lime,
it's the same thing.

No, I tried that
with him one time.

It was a bad week.

Ugh, freaking nagel,
jeez.

Hey, remember
when he got

That, uh, brand new
chrysler cordoba,

And we egged
the crap out of it?

Yeah, that was
a good night.

Yeah.

Funny, he actually
just sold that thing.

He bought a prius
with the bonus he got

For reports I wrote.

Prius, huh?

What do you say,
on the way home,

We go a little
yolk-o ono on him?

Come on!

No, no!

Definitely, yes!
No, no, no.

Hey, listen to me.

He called me horizontal,
and jeff sussman?

He's got you sweating
over ginger ale?

Let's take him down
a notch!

We're not kids
anymore, doug.

I- I don't know
about this.

Yeah, you know what?
We're not dead either, ok?

Just one night,
and then we'll go back

To our boring,
stupid lives.

The expired ones
are extra smelly.

I'll take care of dante,

You just try
to get some sleep.

I
- I can't believe you're doing all this for me.

You're a federal witness.
It's my job.

Is it just your job?

'Cause I keep thinking
it's something... More.

I'll be back
in minutes.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Maybe we should continue
this over at your place?

Works for me.

B
- before we go, though, can I just clear up one little thing?

What is it?

Uh, you know what?
It's just something

My idiot friend said.

Just don't worry
about it.

Ok, one second.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Oh, you want
to freshen yours up?

Hey, how's it going?

All right,
catch you later.

Hey, you're
danny heffernan.

Yeah.

Justin rayvo.
Good to see you, buddy.

Oh, yeah, man.
I know who you are.

Captain
of the football team,

Prom king,

Mathlete.

I'm just surprised
you remembered me.

Of course I do.

You were the team's
only male cheerleader.

Yeah, till I fell off
the top of the pyramid.

Yeah, that was crazy.

So, you wanna
get out of here?

Yeah!
Whoo!

Clemens bringing
the heat.

Oh, yeah!
Shiner!

Oh, nice!
Yeah!

I can't believe-

This is fun, right?

You talked me
into this.

Oh, off the top!

Here we go.

This is fun. This is fun.

It's fun to do this.

Feels right, you know?

Hey, sussman.

You can't make
any announcements.

That's my job.

Yeah, sussman,

You can't-you can't
use the phone

'Cause I use the phone
for long-distance calls.

Get me my ginger ale,
sussman!

Get me my ginger ale!

Get some ginger ale,
get some ginger ale,

Get some ginger ale!

All right, uh... Hey.

Looks like, uh,
we're out of eggs.

We better reload then.

We should probably just
head back to the reunion.

Back to the store.
You drive.

I'll club
some mail boxes.

Come on!

This is a really good
movie, dad.

You picked a winner.

Thank you, darling.

This popcorn is delicious.

You're a magician
with that microwave.

Watch, daddy.

I'm going to swim
all the way across.

You can
do it, sweetie!

I'm doing it!
I'm really doing it!

This reminds me of when
you were a little girl.

Right, dad.

I mean it's like...

When I would take you
to the pool.

Not quite.

What are you
talking about?

We would go swimming
every saturday

And we'd have
a wonderful time.

uh, no, we wouldn't
go swimming.

Uh, I had to wait in the car
while you did water aerobics.

That's how
I kept in shape.

Besides, someone
had to feed the meter.

I understand that.

But would it have k*lled you just
to cr*ck the window a little bit?

Nothing was ever good enough
for princess carrie.

princess, ok.

Dad, I don't know
many princesses

Who had to pack up in
the middle of the night

And move every month.

I had bad luck
with landlords.

No, not bad luck.

You just didn't pay the
rent, so they kicked us out.

Well, I would have
been able to pay the rent

If I didn't have
an ungrateful child

Messing up
all my inventions.

Ok, are you talking
about the turnip peeler?

Because that wasn't
an invention,

It was a potato peeler
with a fancy handle.

I mean, I was ,
and I knew that.

That's outrageous.

You know what, dad?

When I saw you at the video
store tonight, I was just going

To pretend like I didn't
see you and keep walking.

Then I thought, "no he's
your dad, it'd be nice

To sit and watch
a video with him."

Next time, I'm just
going to keep walking.

That attitude is why
I never took you swimming!

Well, looks like you're
sleeping in the car tonight.

So, she knows
you're a guy?

Look, every relationship
has its little secrets.

I just want to see
where this one goes.

Yeah, I'll tell you
where. Nowhere.

Oh, ok, you know what?
You're just jealous

Because I hooked up
with someone, and you didn't.

oh, I guess the captain of the
football team isn't somebody.

Captain-
justin rayvo?!

Yep.

He's out like trout,

And he wants a piece
of this.

What exactly are you
planning on doing with him?

I don't know.

Throw back a couple
beers, watch some tube,

Who knows?

You're just doing this
to mess me up.

You're pathetic.

I'm pathetic?

At least someone here

thinks I'm
an attractive man.

Oh, well, you know what?

At least at the end
of my rainbow

There's a vag*na.

Yeah? And what are you
going to do

When she rounds
third base and finds out

There's a bat on
the field?

I'll cross that bridge-

Bottom line is
I want the apartment.

Yeah, well, so do i.

I'm justin,
by the way.

I think we met
at outfest ' .

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no.

No!

You're kidding me.

Yo! You can't be
closed right now!

Sussman, man, come on.

What is it, man?

You're just getting
a little crazy here.

Come on, we already
trashed nagel's car.

And I'm pretty sure one
of his windows was open.

It was open.
I peed in it.

Come on,
what do you say?

Let me-let me
take you home, huh?

You're right, hef.

You're right,
you're right.

All right.

What're you doing? We gotta
get the hell out of here!

Relax, average response
time is minutes.

Minutes?

Minutes from when?

From when you threw the
garbage can through the window?

Or starting now?
How long's it been?

Oh, I gotta go
to the bathroom.

Hey, you're going to
need gloves. For what?

For when we break
into his place.

He's got a rare coin
collection.

We're going
to steal it,

We're going
to sell it,

We're going
to move to mexico.

Try to drink the ginger
ale with this on your mouth.

Hey, uh, buddy,
I think I'm gonna scoot,

But you have
a good robbery,

And hey, I'll see you
at the th, sussie!

Good catching up
with you, hef!

i want to rent in her shoes.

I'm afraid we're closed,
sir.

But it's for my daughter.

I'm sorry,

But you're going to have
to come back tomorrow.

Look, I was never
there for my daughter.

Never gave her
the childhood she deserved.

I only thought of myself.

You sound a lot like
my dad.

Then you know
what I'm talking about.

Wouldn't it be wonderful
if you sat down with him

and watched in her shoes?

Of course it would.

It's over there!

Now, hurry up!

Oh, god. The alarm.

And only the morning crew
has the code!

I am so fired.

Be sure and let me
know where you wind up.

See you in mexico! Whoo!

This I didn't see coming.