09x12 - China Syndrome Part 1

[bunniefuu]

I'm getting married.

To who?

Miss ava st. Clair.

Oh, my gosh. Carrie, you remember
that apartment in the city

We signed up for years ago? Uh-huh

It's available now.

I don't wanna move
to the city.

What are you talkin' about?

You said
you were ok with this,

That my dream
was your dream.

What are you doin'? What,
are you-you leavin' me?

No, doug.

I'm going to our apartment in the city,

And I hope
you join me.

Hi. Thanks for
painting the bedroom,

And that mural in the
bathroom is amazing.

You-you like it?

I love it. You made
me look really busty.

I may be moving out.

Don't be sorry. Roommates are
a dime a dozen. Heh.

And so, let me just
get this straight.

You're gonna get rid
of the apartment,

I'm gonna get a new job,

And we're both
gonna get a baby.

That's the deal
that's on the table.

I'm in.

Me, too.

Dinelli office furnishings.

First in lumbar.
Doug heffernan speaking.

Have you checked
your apartment in manhattan?

Bill! Man, I don't know
what you want from me, man.

I can't
help you out here.

Look, you know what?
Carrie just walked in.

I will ask her. Jeez.

Carrie,
it's my friend bill.

He's-he's movin'
into manhattan.

Bill who?
Hmm?

Bill who?

Uh, bill krispies.

You got rid of that
apartment, like, weeks ago.

There's definitely somebody
in there by now, right?

Ok, listen, do not be late
for my father's wedding, ok?

I need you and deacon
on the road by noon.

I have to go there now 'cause I got
a lot to do, ok? I love you. Bye.

A brand-new
exercise bike.

I'll bid, uh, .

Doug.

It's open!

It's locked.

Sorry.

It's locked!

Just open the damn door,
will you?

Oh, gosh, all right.

I'm comin',
you princess.

There you go.

I've been honking out there-

Where are your pants?

Oh, wouldn't you
love to know?

Why are you sittin'
around here, drinkin'?

We gotta get
to the wedding, man.

Mm-mmm. I ain't goin'.

Hey, come on, man!

The rice-a-roni is much
cheaper than the turtle wax!

What the hell
is goin' on here?

Oh, well, let's see.
I'm divorcin' carrie,

And ensign curtis here
just cost himself

A trip to
the showcase showdown.

Get a divorce? I thought
you guys were good now.

Yeah, well, turns out
she secretly kept

Her little apartment
in the city.

"Oh, doug,
I love ya.

Let's adopt
chinese babies together."

It was all a pack of lies...

Or a-a web of lies.

Aw, some groupin' of lies.

So she kept the place,
huh. Did she say why?

She doesn't even know I
know, man, but it's obvious.

It's her ticket
out of f-fattytown.

But you know what?

I'm beatin' her
to the punch.

You know what? All I know
is I'm supposed to get you,

A cake, and a rabbi to poughkeepsie
by : , so put your pants on.

No. I ain't goin', buddy.

You're doin' it.
Man, don't make me

Carry you out of here
in your drawers, man.

don't make me carry you
out of here in my drawers.

All right, you know what? Just come on.

Let's go.
No way.

It's not happenin', man.

Stop it!

All right.

Fine.

Not goin' anywhere.

You're goin'.
No, I'm not.

Oh, god. Unh!
I- I think i-

I think I accidentally
touched something.

Accidentally or
been plannin' for years?

Look, just put
your pants on

And get in the car.

Fine! You know what?
I will get in the car.

You mark my words. You will never
see pants on this body again.

Now, dad, we have a lot
of family coming today

That you haven't
seen in a while,

So I want you to remember
no slapping anybody.

But bernice is coming.

Ok, dad, last time,
she knocked you out, ok?

Leave it alone.
Leave it alone.

I'm gonna go see if ava
needs anything, ok?

All right.
All right.

Oh, are you ok, mom?

I know this has gotta be rough
seeing arthur get married.

I'm very happy for him.

Why would you say that?

Well, you've been sobbing
and retching a lot lately.

No more than usual.

Greetings.

Oh, hey, arthur.

Um, here are those
place cards you wanted.

Uh, the venetian-style calligraphy
you wanted was really intricate.

I was up all night.

Thank you.

I hope this isn't
in lieu of a gift.

Congratulations on
your nuptials, arthur.

Thank you, veronica.

Ava st. Clair.

Pish-posh.

That she is.

I guess I always knew you'd
wind up with someone like that.

You deserve it.

You're a good loser,
veronica,

The best loser
I've ever known.

Thank you, arthur.

Yo! Yo, rabbi!

Over here.

I hope you don't mind
sittin' in the back.

I, uh, got the cake
up here.

Ah, no, no.
It's-it's fine.

It's just, um...

Do you know there's
a man with no pants back here?

Oh, yeah. That's-
that's the best man.

He's sleepin' off
a couple six-packs.

Do me a favor and, uh,
give him a smack, will ya?

Oh, ok.

Y- you gotta
really drill him.

I'm not comfortable
drilling anyone on shabbos.

All right.

I'll take care
of it.

Hang on.

Aw, deac, gotta tell ya, gettin'
a little tired of that move.

There it is.

Ok.
Ok.

Oh, you look beautiful.

Really?

I'm so nervous.

Oh, you're gonna be fine.

At my last wedding,
I passed out

Right into
a chopped-liver swan.

But gerald was
so understanding.

Oh, god rest his soul.

That was
your last husband?

Yeah. Well...

After the first jerk
I married,

I decided from now on,
only gay men.

-Minute warning.

Oh.

Ava, darling,
that dress is delicious.

You're a vision in chiffon.

I can't wait
to rip it off tonight

And finally
have my way with you.

Could i-could I help at all?
Or are you...

Yeah, you know what? Just, uh,
let me bridge off your shoulder.

I'm gonna have to fire my hips off
- there we go.

Aah!
I'm gettin' under it.

What's goin' on
back there?

You don't have
your pants on yet?

The rabbi and I are
working on it, thank you.

It's been hours.

There's no room
back here.

Why the hell didn't you
take the minivan?

Aw, kelly's got it.
She doesn't like

Driving this car.
It's too small.

Oh, great. So she gives it
to her - foot-tall husband.

Yeah, I can't believe you
aren't the one getting divorced.

Hey, hey. Stop talkin'
about divorce, will you?

You guys
are gonna be fine.

You always work
these things out.

She screams.
You cry.

Pizzas later, you're back to normal.

But this is different,
deac, ok?

We had a commitment
about our future, and-

And she just didn't
hold up her end.

That's not right, is it?

Well, I certainly understand
why you're upset,

But I also know that god
believes in forgiveness.

Yeah, I'm-

Is that just your god
or any god?

Do you think you and I
have different gods?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh. I mean, yeah.
Only 'cause...

My god is...

Jesus.

But, uh-but from
what I understand,

My god is the son
of your god,

So I'm sure they're
on very good terms.

They probably see
each other all the time,

You know, holidays,
family functions.

What the hell
was that for?!

To shut you up.

Don't give me
your back talk!

there are plenty of harpists out
there who will play dueling banjos!

You sent for me, darlin'?

Yes. Dad, i, um...

Where's ava?

Well, that's actually
what I wanna...

Ava left, dad.

What?

Yeah,
she was very upset.

She's-she's very sorry,
but she can't marry you.

Wh-why?

Well, uh...

Turns out ava...

Like, uh, many women
in show business,

Wanted a different kind
of husband,

More of a companion.

I was a wonderful companion.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh...

But she wanted a
companion who was also...

A choreographer...

Type.

A hairdresser type.

You don't see where
I'm goin' with this?

She wanted a black man?

Gay, dad.
She wanted a gay man.

She thought
you were gay.

That's preposterous.

That's not what
she wants at all.

Dad, look.

This is a picture of
gerald, her last husband.

What do you see
when you look at that?

I see a normal
heterosexual man

Leaping into the air
with a parasol.

How did I not
notice that before?

I'm sorry, daddy.

But I still
don't understand.

What did I ever do to give her
the impression that I was gay?

Hey.

In retrospect, that was an unfortunate
choice of halloween costume.

Dad, look,
I know this is hard,

But we have a hundred guests out there
waiting for the ceremony to start.

You have to go out there
and tell 'em.

But I had my heart set
on being married today.

Not just my heart.

I took enough cialis
for a hockey team.

The bottom line is, dad,
ava's not coming back.

But I could
be gay for her.

I could be the gayest man
the world has ever seen!

I know you could.

But-but it's over, dad.

Arthur, what's this
all about?

Why are we in here?

I need to speak
to you privately.

What are you, a surgeon?
b*at it!

So what is it?

Veronica, something
marvelous has happened.

I suddenly realized it's not ava
I wanna marry today. It's you.

What?
You wanna marry me?

Yes. I'm proposing to you.

I would have done it
years ago, but...

I found your beauty
intimidating.

She dumped you, huh?

Yeah.

Apparently I'm not
man enough for her.

Or I'm too much man.
It's all very confusing.

So now you're tryin' to jam
me in as your second choice?

Well, let me tell you
something, arthur.

I may not be the queen of
england or even ava st. Clair,

But I deserve more than being
proposed to in front of a urinal.

Look, look, look, I admit I've never
shown you the respect you deserve.

I was petty and vain and
thought I could do better,

But I realize now
that I can't.

Pride goeth
before a fall.

Please, veronica. I don't
wanna die in that basement.

I'd much rather die in a
ground-floor apartment such as yours

With you by my side.

That does sound nice.

I know we could learn
to love each other.

I already love you,
arthur.

Well, then,
we're halfway there.

Um, good afternoon.

Everybody, ahem,
I'm rabbi eli feldman.

Today in the presence of god,

We will be joining together
arthur spooner and ava st. Clair,

Wonderful people
who have found joy, love,

And happi-

Excuse me a minute.

Happiness in each other's
spirits. Thank you.

"Please turns off
all cellphones and pagers,

"and in your programs, wherever
the name ava st. Clair appears,

replace it
with veronica olchin."

Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Hey.
Where were you?

Doug got drunk and
wouldn't put his pants on.

How's it goin' here?

Oh, arthur
switched brides.

Now he's marrying
spence's mom.

Oh.

Dad! Well, what the hell
is going on?

Meet your
new mother.

Keep wednesdays free,
darling.

That's when we visit nana
in the home.

Where's my aunt ava?

Mom, what are
you doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

Now, you just stay there,
because you have to give me away.

I'm not giving you away!
This is crazy!

Yes, this is crazy!

Stop taking
your brother's side!

Where's my aunt ava?

Oh, doug,
there you are.

Do you know
what's going on?

Ava left, and now my dad
wants to marry veronica.

Hmm. That's nice.

He-he wants us
to start.

Sweetheart, I think
you go down first.

Where's my aunt ava?

She's your aunt ava. Now get movin'!

It's all right.
It's all right.

Dad, are you sure
you wanna do this?

You really wanna
marry veronica?

Why? You got
someone better?

Oy. All right,
let's just start.

Let's just start.

Piece of work,
that man, right?

Yeah. Well, at least he doesn't tell
vicious lies to the people that love him.

What are you talking about?
He does that every day.

What's the matter
with you, anyway?

You know what? I don't think I
feel like discussing it right now.

Thanks for comin'.
I'm not gay.

Thanks for comin'.
Not gay.

Hello, zachary.
I'm not gay.

I can't believe
you're doing this.

I love him, spencer.

He's treating you
like an old dishrag.

No marriage is perfect.

Ok. Ahem.

Is everyone
set to go?

Uh-huh.

baruch atta adonal-

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's that?

It's a hebrew prayer.

Why hebrew?

Well, the-the original
bride was jewish,

A- and I'm a rabbi.

Are you jewish?

Albanian orthodox.

What the hell is that?

It's a very nice
religion.

We'll go with your thing.

baruch atta
adonal elohanu...

mazel tov!
Mazel tov!

Carrie, your phone was going off
like crazy during the ceremony.

You got, like, calls.
Really?

Oh, my god.
It's the adoption agency.

Doug-

There you are.
What are you doing?

Just enjoying the smells
of poughkeepsie.

Well, I have
some very exciting news.

You're not gonna believe it.

Look at this picture.
What's that?

Our car.

Oh. I backed into a pole.

That's for
the insurance company.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Who's that?

I don't know.
Somebody's baby.

Yeah. Our baby.

Our baby.

Oh, my god.

Yeah. Her name
is ming mel.

She's days old.
Isn't she beautiful?

All right, I have to call
the adoption agency

And tell them that we're on
the next flight out to beijing.

I've-i can't believe
I'm making this call.

I mean, I've ordered chinese before,
but never a baby. Ah ha ha! Ahh!

Carrie, we're not
doing this.

What? What are
you talking about?

I know about
the apartment,

And I know you never
got rid of it.

Oh, yeah, that. Heh.

Weird, huh?

Uh...

Look, doug, you have
every right to be upset, ok?

I- I should've gotten rid of
it a couple weeks ago, but i-

But what? I mean...

But I was just nervous about us
getting back together.

So was i, you know,
but we made a deal.

I mean, I quit my job for
you, and I loved that job.

You hated that job.
You said so a thousand times.

No, I said I hated having
a job. There's a difference.

The point is I took
a leap of faith,

For the sake of our
future, and you didn't.

All right. Well, I'm taking
my leap of faith now.

It doesn't count now,
carrie. I mean,

Now you're just leaping
for the baby.

Admit it. You've never
taken a leap of faith

For me
in your whole life.

I married you.
What do you call that?

Uh, hitting the jackpot.

Getting married, that's
not taking a leap of faith.

When you get married, you think
it's gonna be great forever.

You know, but then
years down the line,

You finally start to realize, "wow,
he's fat, and he's stayin' fat."

"Man, she isn't gettin'
any nicer, is she?"

Smoke clears, and it's
just the two of us

Standing there
fat, mean, and naked-

That's when it takes a
leap of faith to keep going,

And you didn't,

And I can never
forget that.

Ok, doug,
so what are you saying?

Are you saying we're over?

I guess I am.

That's a great sh*t.
Smile.

Ohh.

Oh, arthur, I've never
been so happy in my life.

If our marriage ended
tomorrow, I have no regrets.

Good to know.

Holly, how are you?

Hi, veronica.
Hi, arthur.

Congratulations.

Look at you.
You're pregnant.

No, no. I made
that mistake before.

She has
an eating disorder.

Oh, no, no.
I actually am pregnant.

Oh, wonderful. So, where's your husband?

Uh, yeah. Where is he?

Uh, he must've gone
to the men's room.

Oh, that's where arthur
proposed to me.

Oh. I've had
that happen, yeah.

Actually, it was more
of a porta-potty.

But anyway,
congratulations.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Carrie, congratulations.

Thank you, lou.

It's a happy day,
isn't it?

Yes, very happy day.

Hello.

Hey.

You're lookin' well.

I, uh, like
the new highlights.

Thank you.

Look, danny,
I know things got ugly

Between us
when I moved out,

And that-
that was my fault,

And I just wanna say
I'm sorry.

Hey, man, don't worry
about it, buddy, all right?

Good. Well, now that, you know,
arthur's marrying my mom,

Um, he's probably gonna
be taking, uh, my bed

Since it's same as hers,

So I was wondering
if maybe I could...

Move back...

Who's this?

This is, uh, sandy,
my new girlfriend

And roommate.

Roommate? That's...

Great.

Yeah, I moved in
last week.

Oh, I had to pack up
some of your stuff

To make some room
in the closet, mostly...

Magazines.

Yeah, those are for a research
project about thailand,

With, um...

Hey, spence,
congratulations.

Oh. Thanks, lou.

Happy day, isn't it?

Very happy. Um,

Would you excuse me
for a second?

Doug?

Spencer!

Hey, buddy,
party's out here.

Let me just get you
set up, man.

I gotta
get you set up.

Ah.
There you go, buddy.

Sit down. Sit down.
Oh, god.

Hey.

What-wh-what are you
doing out here?

Just celebratin'
my freedom.

Carrie and I are
gettin' a divorce.

What?!

Mm-hmm.
Turns out she kept

Her apartment
in manhattan,

So split 'em up!

Doug, I have
a confession to make.

I'm the one that called and told
you she was still in the apartment.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah, i-

I thought I was
in love with her.

But-but I realize now it was because
things weren't going well at home, and...

Now that's gone, too.

You are one sweet...

Creepy little dude.

Hey, if you wanna move
in with me, that's cool.

Really?

You mean it?

Hell to the yeah!

I know I mess
with you a lot, but...

The truth is I love you more
than any of my other friends.

Well, thanks, doug.

I- you know, y-you've always
been kind of a hero to me.

I am not a hero!

I'll k*ll you!

Ok, I didn't-

I didn't
mean anything by it.

And now I love you.

Come on.
Let's wrestle.

Aw, kel, I can't believe
I screwed everything up.

One moment of weakness, and I
lost my husband, my ming mel.

He really
won't forgive you?

No, and who can
blame him?

I mean,
I didn't show him

The commitment
he deserves,

And that is just
unforgivable.

Yeah, well, he's let you down
lots of times.

Yeah, but nothing
like this.

What about when he
faked a heart att*ck

Because he forgot
your boss' name?

That wasn't a big deal.

What about when he used your tax
refund to buy an ice-cream truck?

Yeah, but that
was my fault.

I shouldn't have left
the check lying around.

What about when you had to
cancel your birthday trip to paris

Because he was a semifinalist
in a bladder bust contest?

Yeah, that was
a kick in the chiclets.

Folks, we have a very
special treat for you tonight.

Our beautiful bride is gonna sing
one of her hit records for us.

So please welcome
to the stage

The very lovely and talented
ava st. Clair.

I- I'm not ava st. Clair.

I'm not cliff robertson,
but that didn't stop me

From signing my meals
to his hotel room.

Now get up there.

So would you care
for garden or caesar?

Uh, garden salad,
please.

And would you know if
there's anyone sitting there?

Yeah, my husband.
Heh heh.

I mean, of course
I have a husband.

Look at me.

Of course. Do you know if he
would like garden or caesar?

Caesar.

Holly, it's so good
to see you.

Hi, lou.

Such a happy day.

Oh, god.

This is p*rn.

Aah!

Ohh! Aah!

That-that's - , me.

Let's go.
Hands and knees.

No, I'm not wrestling
with you anymore.

You don't respect
my safe word.

Such a baby.

Hey, holly.
I'm drunk. Are you?

No.

Well, a little.

Hey, hol.
How's it goin'?

Great. Great.

My husband
just left me,

And I'm about to have a baby
with no job and no money,

But other than that,
real good.

I'm splittin' up
with carrie.

You wanna move in
with me?

Really?
Oh, my god. Yes. Yes.

No, no. You-wait. You said
I could move in with you.

Did i? You're out.
Holly's in.

Doug, i-i can't believe how
kind and generous you're being.

I mean, honestly, I didn't even
think you liked me that much.

No. Truth is, I mean, I love you
more than any of my other friends.

Oh, my god.

Doug, I'm-thank you.

I really needed to hear
something like that right now.

Oh, no problem.

Come on.
Let's wrestle.

Carrie,
he sold your hair.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Thank you very much.

Now if I could have your
attention, it's time for the toast.

Toasting our groom,
arthur spooner,

Is his best man and
son-in-law, doug heffernan.

Holly, have you
seen douglas?

He fell asleep
when we were wrestling.

Well, at least you weren't
under him when it happened.

That was of the most
terrifying hours of my life.

Spence, congratulations.
You're my new best man.

Now get up there
and toast me, kid.

I don't feel like it,
arthur.

I'm having
a very rough night.

I'm your father.
I command you to toast me.

I'll toast who I want
when I want.

you got that, dad?

This isn't over.

Hey, uh, heh.

Like the way you stood up to him there.

Oh, thanks. Thanks.

You know, kind of
reminded me of the way

You stood up to our landlord
about that roach problem.

Oh. Well, the lease clearly states
when there's more than a thousand,

It's his responsibility.

You see, I wouldn't
have known that.

hey, did you see america's
next top model this week?

Yes! Can you believe it
came down to marquesa and lisi?

I know! I mean, it's so obvious
who's gonna win this thing.

Duh. Marquesa.
Marquesa.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Marquesa. Eww.

Lisi's way better
for couture.

Come on, danny. Let's
go home. I'm bored.

All right. Why don't you,
uh, go grab your jacket?

I'll be right with you.
Ok.

Sorry about the whole
marquesa thing.

It's cool.
It's cool.

Well, I guess she's
waitin' for me.

Better take off.

Yeah. See you
at the allergist's.

I don't even
know you that well.

I'm a crusty curmudgeon
with a heart of gold.

Now go!

Hi. Uh, I'll never forget
the first time I met arthur.

I was, uh, sitting in the
heffernan living room, watching tv.

Uh, arthur came in,
and when he saw me,

He begged me not to hurt him,
then ran off to call the police.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hoo!

And, hello, remember
that time your appendix burst

And he wouldn't
leave work early?

He did leave work early
to go to the rodeo.

That's it.

I just-i think
you'll feel better

If you have a little
something to eat.

I'll get you
my husband's prime rib.

Oh. Thank you, spence.

You know, you really
had me goin' out there, doug.

"I took a leap of faith
for you.

You didn't take
a leap of faith for me."

Do you know how many times
in our marriage

You have screwed me over
to do what you wanted to do?

Aw, here we go
with the rodeo again.

It comes to town
once a year!

It wasn't just that, doug.
It was many other things,

And I forgave you
for everything,

So you damn well better
forgive me for this.

You don't tell me what I
better damn well better do.

Ok, you know what?

Do whatever you wanna do,
but let me tell you something.

I love this baby,
and I want her,

And I am gonna get her
for myself.

Oh, no. No, no, no, 'cause
I wanted a baby first, ok?

So if anybody's gonna get
the baby, it's gonna be me.

Oh, you really
think so, butch?

Well, I'm on my way to china
right now to get her.

Yeah? Not if I
get there first.

I'm gonna get there first.

Whoa.

And then there was the time
arthur thought I was eddie murphy.

Hey, we gotta go.

Go. Go where?

To china to get
my baby. Come on.

Actually, you can just
drop me at the airport

If you don't wanna
come with.

Uh, sure.

Let's all toast
arthur spooner, a great guy

Who's a little r*cist.

Doug, should I move in after
you get back from china or-

Hey, holly! Glad to see
you could make it.

Well, I guess I'm
back out on the street.

Well, seeing as you and I
are in the same situation,

Do you wanna
get a place together?

Really?
You mean it?

Oh, of course. I-i would
like nothing better than...

You forget something?

Yeah.

I forgot my roommate.

W- wait. You and I
were gonna-

Yeah, that's not
gonna work out.

Well, you know, if things
work out between us,

You'll have to convert.

Of course I will.

To what?

I'll just get
my passport,

And then we'll
get the hell out of here.

Doug, you've never
been out of america.

Why do you even
have a passport?

I heard they still
had the mcrib in canada.

Oh, hey. Off to china.
Don't wait up.

Hey! Did you take
my passport?

Oh, no, babe,
it's still here...

Somewhere.

Where the hell did she hide
this freakin' passport?

Deac. Did you find it?

Not yet.

Well, keep lookin',
okay?

The last flight for china
leaves in hours.

Oh, man!

Oh, look at this.
A thousand chopsticks.

It's like a cruel joke.

No luck, guy.
I looked everywhere.

but I did find this
first-season dvd of deadwood.

Mind if I
- oh, just take it, would you?

Take anything you want.

I- I'm good with this.

It's over, deac.

She won.

She won the baby.

I'm sorry, man.

What are you gonna do now?

I don't know.
Eat, I guess.

Hello.

You found it?

Gotta admit the vegetable
crisper was an inspired choice.

But you've never gone in
that drawer your whole life.

You don't even know
it exists.

But deacon does.

His b.l.t.
Was delicious,

As is my revenge.

Doug.
Hmm?

Doug.

Oh, god.

What?

So what's
our endgame here?

What are we gonna do
when we land?

We gonna race through the streets
of beijing to the adoption agency?

I don't know.

Because if we have to
take rickshaws, you'll lose.

Not if it's downhill.

What happened here?

I don't know.

You know, when my, uh...

When my mom d*ed
when I was a kid,

It felt like I was nothing,
you know, like I had no life.

My dad did his best
to be a good parent, but...

Who we kiddin'?

Anyway, on-on sundays,
he used to take me

To this park
on vernon boulevard,

Right on the east river,

Where you could look across
and see manhattan.

And while he was, uh, off

Handing out leaflets
or chasing squirrels,

I would just stand
at the railing,

And I would look at the
beautiful apartment buildings

Across the river, and i-
I would imagine this great life

That I might have someday actually
living in one of them, you know,

With a great job as a fashion
designer for sergio valente

Or goin' to studio
every night.

God, I'm old.

But then I grew up,
and reality set in,

And the dream got put away.

And then I met you,

And I was-

I was happy in a whole...

New way I just-
I never imagined.

I mean, I was...

In that apartment
- I mean, I guess just dreams stick with you, because...

I just-i felt
like carrie again, you know,

Little carrie finally having the
thing she wanted back then, and...

At the moment I should
have given it up, i-

I couldn't, you know,
because it was like...

I was taking something
away from her.

You know, does that
make any sense, doug?

Yeah.

It's funny
to hear you say that,

'Cause all these years,

Even when things
were good with us,

I just still sensed
there was something...

Pulling you
away from me,

You know, like this
little voice inside saying,

"Wanna be in manhattan.

I wanna be
in manhattan."

Plus, you said it
out loud a lot.

I di-i did.

I did hear that voice
every day.

And now I just hear her,
her voice saying...

Whatever chinese babies
say, and-

And I want her.

And i-i want you.

And i-i wish that we could just
put this all behind us, you know,

And just be a family.

I love you, carrie.

I love you, too.

Oh, god.

No, he's gotta get up.
He's gotta get up.

Hi, ming mel.

Ming mel heffernan.

You know what?

It works.

Come on, honey.
We gotta go to the airport.

Just a second.

Mommy and I are gonna
take you back home to queens.

You're gonna love queens.

Queens has got
the new york mets.

It's got-

Well, not a lot else,
actually.

Used to have pastrami king,
but they shut that down.

Now it's a bookstore.

Tell you, the world
is a crazy place.

Ooh. She smiled at me.

Either that,
or she's poopin'.

Or maybe both.
Maybe she just really enjoys-

I'm pregnant.

Pooping.

What?

Yeah. I haven't felt
well since we landed,

And I bought
a pregnancy test

In the drug store
in the lobby,

And we're gonna
have a baby.

Well, what do we do
with this one?

I don't know.

I think I'm having
an anxiety att*ck.

C- calm down.
A- are you sure?

Yes, I am sure.

I mean, look.

Wh-what means pregnant,
the monkey or the dragon?

That's just decorative.

Look, it came out blue.
That means I'm pregnant.

It must have happened
in the apartment that night.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

I thought the doctor said
you couldn't get pregnant.

No, she said we probably
couldn't. It happens all the time.

When couples don't think they can
get pregnant, they stop trying,

And then they adopt a baby and
- oh, god.

Carrie, you have
to calm down.

I can't calm down, doug.

Yesterday I had
no husband, no baby,

And today I have a husband
and babies, and I'm in china.

That's a lot of change
for one day.

What are we gonna do?

I- I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

We're gonna
fly home today,

And we're gonna start
our new life as parents

Of beautiful,
wonderful children...

With very
different-shaped eyes.

Everything's
gonna be fine.

T- trust me.

Everything's
gonna be fine.

Ming mel.
Ming mel.

It's ok.
Ohh.

It's all right, baby.
Calm down.

It's all right, baby.

All right.

No, I know-

There you go.
Good girl.

It didn't work out.

I love you.

Oh, man. I gotta
call the guys.

Already did.
On their way.

You called 'em?
Yep.

You are the best
mail order bride ever!