07x03 - Furious Gorge

[bunniefuu]

Wow.

Do you know what Ayatollah
Khomeini's first name was?

What?

Ruhollah.

So?
What'd you think it was?

Ayatollah.

Ayatollah's not a name.
It's a title.

Pffft!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you just
give me a 'Pffft'?

Like I'm some kind
of idiot

for thinking that Ayatollah
could be a first name?

Ok, you're not an idiot.
It's just not a name, ok?

Oh, really? It just so
happens that I played

high-school baseball
with a guy named Ayatollah.

Really?

Yep.

Ayatollah Rodriguez.

That's funny. You never
mentioned him before.

Really?
I never mentioned Tollie?

That's weird, 'cause we
were pretty tight.

I actually took his sister
Beth to the junior prom.

Doug, I'm gonna make you
an offer, okay?

Stop talking right now,

and we can pretend
this never happened.

I'm not gonna pretend
my best friend

from high school
never happened.

Hello?

Yes, hello. This is, uh,
Ayatollah Rodriguez.

Is my old high-school
baseball friend, Doug, there?

Oy.

Explain to me
what I'm looking at?

Before you judge me,

let me walk you
through it.

I settled in,
I started eating,

and then I realized I didn't
have a place to put the bones.

I didn't want to put 'em
on the sheets,

'cause you made it very clear
you don't like that.

Long story short,

I've invented the shirt plate.

Doug, I left dinner for you
in the refrigerator.

Oh, I thought that said
"Dog's dinner. "

I figured you were
surprising me with a puppy.

Come on.
This isn't funny.

You're telling me.

All day long, I thought
I was getting a puppy.

Honey, you promised me
you would stick to your diet.

Aren't you at all
concerned about your health?

I'll tell you what
I am concerned about.

My blue cheese cup am empty.

Ow!

Carrie!

Look at this.
Low-fat mayo, cottage cheese,

garden burgers, all untouched.

Why do I even bother
buying this stuff?

That's what
I've been saying!

Ow!

You gotta find a new go-to move.

Doug, it's just so frustrating.

I mean over and over again,

you promise me you're
gonna lose weight,

and then you actually do it,

and then I'm so proud of you,

and then every single time,
without fail,

you fall off the wagon.

And then you eat the wagon.

Calm down. I'll be fine.

Doug, you're not fine, okay?

Your eating is out of control.

Would you back it off?
Yeah, fine, fine.

I will back off.
Okay, 'cause I am tired

of banging my head against
the wall.

W- You know what?
Here, here.

Have cookies for dinner, okay?

I give up.
I officially give up.

You happy?

What are you doing?!

You said you gave up!

I'm telling you, Doug,
as soon as I heard

about this overeaters
support group,

I had a really good
feeling about it.

And I've got a bad feeling.
It's called hunger.

We just had
a delicious dinner.

It was salmon.

Salmon's delicious.
The hell it is.

The only people
who like salmon are bears.

Okay, Doug, you really
need this group, okay?

And, listen, you're
gonna be meeting people

who are struggling with
the same things you are.

It's gonna be me and a roomful
of big, fat losers!

Now that is not true.

Okay, they may be big,
but they are not losers.

I bet you
they're really cool.

Yeah, that guy they had
to cut out of his apartment,

he's super cool.

Well, in a way, he was.

I mean we're talking
about him right now.

And that's cool.

I don't want to do this,
come on.

Honey, You have to go.

I don't.
You do. Doug...

Sometimes when you look at me,

I think you're seeing a giant
pork chop

with my head on it.

With your head on it?

Get over yourself.

All right, go.

Is there even any dip?

Okay, people, let's get started.

You there. You're new.

What's your name?

Me? Uh, Doug.

Welcome, Doug.
I'm Neil.

Please, join us.

Is this how to hem
your own pants?

No, Doug.
This is a group for men

in abusive relationships.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be here.

I'll put these back.

Except for this one,'cause I put
a thumb print in it already.

Doug,
Yeah?

We all know what
you're going through.

You're scared.

You don't want to admit
there's a problem,

but you were brave enough
to come here tonight.

Be brave enough to stay.

Really, I, uh-

I don't belong here.

We all felt that way
at first, Doug.

Yeah, it's true.

So, why are
you here tonight?

You had doughnuts.

And who doesn't let you
have doughnuts, Doug?

My wife.
But the thing is-

Does she ever yell at you
about eating doughnuts?

Yeah.

Does it ever get physical?

Hit you, slap you,
throw things at you?

Yesterday
she... twisted my nipples.

And does all of her anger
just make you want to eat more?

Okay.

No, it's not okay, Doug.

But it's how you get by,
isn't it?

So you're saying...

my overeating is...
her fault.

I think that's what
you're saying, Doug.

Then she comes in
like hell on wheels,

"You're so fat!"

"Don't eat that
off your chest!

I can't believe
you're so fat!"

She wonders
why I gain weight.

I mean, maybe it's 'cause
all the names she calls me.

You know. Fatty. Chunky.

Sir Eats-a-Lot.

So she starts yelling
at the waiter.

Now... I can't look
at the poor guy,

and I... certainly can't
look at her,

so I look down at my plate.

Hello, jambalaya.

You won't twist
my nipples, will you?

Mr. Big-pants.

Fat Damon.

Enormo the clown.

Enormo.

You know what?
My name is Doug.

Just Doug.

It's just Doug.

Hey, baby.
How'd it go tonight?

It was good.

Have you been crying?

A little.

You get into
some stuff in there.

Oh, honey.
I am so proud of you.

Hey!

Moron, watch
where you're going!

Magoo, mooooove!

Friggin' idiot.

I really appreciate
you checking up on me, Neil,

but I'm doing all right.

Yeah, she's gonna
be home any minute,

so I can't stay
on the phone much longer.

Yes.
No, I'll be at the meeting.

All right then.
I'll see you-

What's that?
Oh, yeah.

I will not let
the rage of others

destroy the light in me.

Okay.

Hey, Doug, I'm just dropping off
Arthur's bill,

but I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation.

Are you an alcoholic?

No.

Oh, me, neither.

So, w- What was that
all about?

Oh, it's a, uh, long story,
but it turns out

it's Carrie's anger
that makes me eat so much.

No!
Yeah, I was surprised, too.

Wow. How about that?

This whole time, she had me
convinced it was my fault,

but my support group
helped me realize

that Carrie's bad temper
is the problem.

She drives me straight
into the loving arms of food.

Maybe that's what happened

with my brother and his wife.

Except that
she drove him straight

into the loving arms
of their nanny.

I'm gonna k*ll our pharmacist!

Oh, God.

Come.
Through the back door.

We'll drive all night.

Come!

Hey, Car.

Hey.

So, I go to pick up my
prescription from the pharmacy,

and I'm in line
for like freaking minutes,

because the pharmacist
is a million years old.

Then I finally get
to the front of the line,

and Rip van Senile says,
"That'll be $ ."

And I go, "No, our
insurance covers this. ",

and he says,
"No, it doesn't. "

I just-
I hate old people.

Where's our insurance bill?

Um, maybe it's upstairs.

Why would it be upstairs?
Did you put it there?

No, I- I was just trying
to help you out.

Why are you
acting so weird?

I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about?

I don't know.

Well, just help me find it.

You poor man.

Hi, honey.
Hey,

I'm headin' out.

Oh, you have your, uh, support
group tonight?

Yes, I do.

I gotta tell you, Doug,

I am really proud
of you, honey.

I mean, I know it was the last
thing you wanted to do,

but you did it,
and you stuck with it,

and now look at you.

Doug?
Yeah?

Are you, um...

getting fatter?

No.

No? 'cause it seems like you're
much more... fatter.

Can't be. I've been going to my
overeaters group for weeks.

Are you sure they're not
teaching you how to overeat?

Ah- You know what it is?

They told me I'd gain weight
before I lose it.

Actually, that's their motto.

"You'll gain weight before
you lose it. "

That's a bad motto.
Mmm. Well, they're fat.

They're not Shakespeare.
I'll see you later.

Hey, uh, what do you talk about
at these classes?

I mean, what gets said?

What do you mean?

Well, what's supposed
to motivate you to lose weight?

Oh, well first class,
we talked about

famous fat people,
like Marlon Brando

and that lady
from The Practice.

What's the point
of that?

It just gets us
to feel like,

"Hey, you know,
maybe you're fat,

but famous people are fat, too. "

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

What else?

Uh, well, the second day,
obviously,

we talked about
famous skinny people,

like that other lady
from The Practice.

And, uh... Stan Laurel.

Stan Laurel?

Yeah, it gives us a goal
of what we want to look like.

And you want to look
like Stan Laurel?

Hey, from your lips
to God's ears, huh?

All right.

Excuse me.

Is, uh, Doug Heffernan here?

Who?

Doug Heffernan.
He's in this class.

No, we don't have
anyone named Doug here.

Isn't this the overeaters
support group?

No, this is
Jazzercise.

Why do you
have to hurt?

You know what it is?

You gotta continuously
remind yourself,

it's not your fault.

Oh, my god.
This is made with real butter.

Hello, Doug.

Carrie.

Oh, God.

Maury, this is, uh,
my wife, Carrie.

Hello.

Okay, you have seconds

to tell me
what's going on here.

What's going on here is
I'm in the middle

of my overeaters group.

Doug, you're eating cake.

Yes, but what
you didn't see is

we eat the cake while looking
at a picture of h*tler.

That's how they get us
to hate cake.

Yuck!

Okay, what is going on?
What group is this?

All right.
It might be a class

for men in abusive
relationships.

What?

Yeah, that's right.

I came for the doughnuts,
but I stayed for the insights.

What insights?

Well, I learned that...

your anger makes me eat.

What?!

That's right.

Whenever you get mad,
you start yelling at me,

I need an escape,
so I turn to food.

That makes you my-

What do you
call her again?

Your behavior
catalyst.

Behavior catalyst, okay?

So if you want to blame
somebody for my weight,

maybe you should take
a hard look in the mirror.

You're a lying
sack of crap.

Great.
Now I'm hungry.

Carrie...

I'm Neil. Welcome.
Mm-hmm.

Doug is simply
trying to break

a cycle of verbal
and physical abuse.

Physical abuse?

He told you that
I physically abuse him?

He told us
about everything, Carrie.

The purple nurples.

The atomic wedgies.

That scar on his arm.

You got that scar from a
hot-dog eating contest!

Yeah, a hot-dog eating contest
I only entered because

you're so mean!

Oh, really?

And did you also set a new
record 'cause I'm so mean?

Could be.

Let me ask you
something, Neil.

Did he happen to mention
that he was fat

the day that I met him?

Well, no.
No.

Because he was.

Yeah, what were you
then?

Huh?
High two hundreds?

No, not high.
Mid to high.

And did he also
happen to mention

that he was the biggest
kid in nursery school?

That all the other parents
thought he was a teacher?

No.

No. Tell him about
the special desk, Doug.

All right, fine!

So maybe I was fat when
I met you,

but you know what?
You're still an angry person.

Well, I'm angry because
you're always eating.

And I'm always eating
'cause you're always angry.

Okay, looks like we have a
little chicken-and-egg thing

going on right now.

Oh, I bet you want to have
chicken and eggs now, huh?

Okay, that's it.
You know what?

I'll go to
my overeaters group

if you go to
an anger management group.

I don't need
anger management.

Oh, really? Well why don't you
tell that to Maury,

who you almost ran over,

or that pharmacist who
you yelled at,

or that librarian
you got fired?

All right, okay,
sometimes I get mad,

but that's only
because I have to.

Oh, really? Why don't you tell
that to the sidewalk Santa

that you cursed out
last Christmas?

Let me tell you something.

If it'll make you go down
a couple of neck sizes,

I will go to anger management.

Great, 'cause they have a class
going on upstairs right now.

Well, I'll go if you'll go to
your overeaters group.

Fine!
Let's do it!

Let's do it!

This is for
the chicken-and-egg cr*ck.

This is great. We haven't had
date night in a while.

I know.
Well, we deserve it.

I mean, you're
sticking to your diet.

Got my rice cakes.

And, uh. I've mellowed out.

It's-it's much better.

Much better.

And my nipples
have healed up nicely.

Those are taken.

Oh, okay. Excuse me.

Uh, uh, uh. Those, too.

All the way down
to that guy.

Okay, one guy saving seats.

No law against that.

See? How good was I?

That was very good.

But where are we gonna sit?

Never sat in the front
row before.

Me, neither.

Mmm.

Plain.

Tell me if anything good
happens over there.

Right.

Yeah, I think it's great

that we're trying
to improve ourselves.

Oh, yeah.

I just think that
all these improvements

are upsetting
our balance as a couple.

Yeah. Something's
a little off, right?

I mean,
what should we do?

Well, I'm just gonna throw
this out at you, okay?

What if I were to, uh,
let you eat these Milk Duds?

Would you let me go back
there to the seats

we're supposed to be in,

and drop-kick that
douche into the lobby?

I didn't hear a word
after "Milk Duds. "

Thank God.

What, do you
own the movie theater?

Move the coat, or I'm
gonna shove it down your throat!

There you go.

Check it out.

I made a Milk Dud sandwich.

It's a dudwich.

Ron was supposed to be
saving these seats for us.

You're up again.

You're all gonna die.