07x05 - Name Dropper

[bunniefuu]

That is the coolest
motorcycle I've ever seen.

Makes you want to run out and
get a giant tattoo, you know?

Maybe like Mickey Mouse
giving the finger.

No, Mickey Mouse
can't do that.

He doesn't have
a middle finger.

What are you
talking about?

He only has four fingers.

You're thinking
of the Hamburger Helper hand.

No, I'm thinking about
the Mickey Mouse hand.

Actually Danny's right on this.
I was in the Mouseketeer club.

And the final piece
of why I'm single puzzle...

In place.

Hey, if you're out of the club,
why do you have the mouse ears?

Instead of worrying about
what's in my private trunk,

why don't you focus
on not being such a slob?

Well, why don't you work
on getting your mom

out of our apartment?

Your mom lives with you?

Her building got torn down,

and she's been
nothing but a delight.

I'm just saying
I could do without

the see-through housedress.

I lived with the woman
for years.

I think she can live
with me for months.

Six months?

Twenty-nine years?

If I have to wear one,

why can't it at least
be my fish tie?

No. That's stupid.

Okay, a tie that looks exactly
like a trout is stupid.

Now, let me explain
what tonight is, okay?

Mr. Dugan-
He owns the company.

- is throwing a party
for our floor-

Is throwing a party
for our floor

to show his appreciation

for all the hard work-

.. that our department-

Forget it. You know, don't go.

I'm kidding around
with you.

Come on, Doug. You never take
any of my work things seriously.

That's not true.

because you were
having a burping contest

with the bathroom attendant.

He challenged me.
I had to take him to school.

And another thing, Doug.

You've met the people
I work with a million times,

and yet you never
remember who anybody is.

I remember Dieter
from the bathroom,

who I burped
out of the building.

Honey, listen to me.

This is very important
to me tonight, okay?

So I am begging you,

if you have any
feelings for me at all,

please, please
don't embarrass me tonight.

All right. You got it.

Thank you.

A. Spooner,
dressed and ready.

He's going?

You wanna make a good impression
and you're bringing him?

The invitation says
"families welcome. "

I'm family,
and I like free shrimp.

Dad,

I am happy to bring you,
but just remember,

the shrimp is free,
but it's not to go.

It is if your pockets
are lined with tin foil.

Okay, Dad, I'm begging you,
for one night,

please just act like a normal
human being for me, okay?

What do you say?

No.

Dad.

And inhale up.

Ahh.

And exhale out.

Ahh.

Oh, hi, Danny.

Hey.

And last time,
big inhale up.

And out. Good work.
We'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, ho-ho.
What a workout.

I feel great.

You done with the TV?

Huh? Yeah, sure.
It's all yours.

Great. Thanks.
Uh.

What's up?
You know,

you remind me of a magician
I once knew.

We were just friends.
At first.

But then I decided
to take him on as a lover.

Hey.

Oh, Spencer.

Do you remember
that magician I dated

when you were a boy?

Ivan the Magnificent?

No. The other one.

Oh, the Amazing Carl.

Yeah. He always had those weird
balloons in his wallet.

Doesn't Danny look
a lot like him?

No, not really.

Come on.
The strong jaw?

The full lips?

He's a dead ringer.

We'll have to
start calling you

Danny the Great.

Ha, ha, ha.

Anyway...

I'm gonna go take
a long bubble bath.

Hey, dude, I'm not sure,

but I think your mom's
hitting on me.

Hey, you stay away
from her.

What are you
talking about?

She's vulnerable, okay?

And when she's vulnerable,
she turns to men,

and I couldn't bring any of my
friends home in high school.

Look, forget it.
Just stay away from her.

I didn't know it was such
a sensitive area.

It is. And how many times
have I told you,

do your own dishes.

Get up and do it now.
Do it now.

All right,
I'll do it now.

Although...

it's gonna be hard
for me to do the dishes

and stay away
from your mom.

You wouldn't.

No, I wouldn't.

But Danny the Great might.

Which is why I look
at all of you people,

not as co-workers,
but as family.

The only difference being
that I can fire you people.

I can't fire anybody in my
family. Lord knows I've tried.

Doug, bring it down.

Bring it down.

Anyhow,

stay as long as you like.

Enjoy the drinks
and the food.

Oh, I will.

Believe you me, I will.

So, this wasn't
so bad, right?

Well, I thought it was
gonna be really boring,

but i-it's all right.

Hey, Carrie,
nice to see you.

Hi.
Oh, hey, Doug.

Hey.

Doug, you remember
meeting Mike?

Of course I remember Mike.
How's it going, Mike?

It's going good. I was on my way
out, and I wanted to say hello.

Oh, okay.
All right, man.

Have a good night.
Take care.

Bye-bye.

Okay, I think I schmoozed
everyone I need to schmooze.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom,
then we'll go.

All right.
I'll wait here.

Yes, but make eye contact

with no one.

Put 'em back, Dad.

Doug.

Hey.

Stay right there.

Hey, hey, hey.

That lady
in the purple suit there.

I know I met her before.
Who is she?

I'm sorry.
I don't know her.

Her name, her job.
Anything.

Mm... No.

My wife's gonna k*ll me.
Come on, man.

Oh, crap, crap.

Hey, Doug.

Hey.

I was hoping
to see you here.

What are you doing here?

Ha, I work here.

I know. I'm just saying, like,
"what are you doing here?"

like,
"what's up? What's shakin'?"

We miss you,
is what I'm saying.

We... really miss you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah.

We have got
to get together.

Wow. Great. I'd love to.

Okay, just walk away now.

Just say good night and leave.

How 'bout Sunday?

How 'bout brunch?

Brunch on the beach?

On the beach?

What beach? Shut up.

Stop talking.

I would love that.

I- I guess I'll set it up
with Carrie.

You guess?
You make it happen.

Okay, I will.

All right.
Well, you take care now, then.

Douglas, aren't you
gonna introduce me?

No!

Hm?

Aren't you gonna
introduce me?

Oh. Oh, God, how rude of me.
I'm sorry.

This is Arthur,
my father-in-law.

Arthur, heh-heh.

Uh, this is-

Well, this is just one
of the coolest people

here at the firm.

She's a great gal...

Think of something.

Think.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.
He's having a heart att*ck.

Mr. Heffernan,
can you describe the pain?

Uh, yeah, there's a...

pain just sh**ting down
my right arm.

Well,
with a heart att*ck,

there'd be pain sh**ting
down the left arm.

I- I meant my left.
I said right for you.

I switched
it around for you.

Okay. Just hang in there,
all right?

We'll be in the emergency
room in a minute.

Baby, I love you.

I love you.
You'll be okay.

Don't worry.

I'm faking it.

What?

I'm faking it.

You know, I'm still waiting
for my thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Doug.

Thank you. Thank you for faking
a massive heart att*ck

in front of all the people
I work with,

because you forgot
somebody's name.

You're welcome.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking about you.

I was trying
not to embarrass you.

Not embarrass me?

You were carried out
on a stretcher.

People were praying
for you.

Look, you're missing
the big picture here.

What's-her-face doesn't know
I forgot her name.

That's called
thinking on your feet.

You know what might have
been a better thought, Doug?

If you remembered Molly's name

from any of the five times
that you met her.

It's very easy to be
a Monday-morning quarterback.

Let me ask, what do you do when
somebody asks you for the time,

and you don't have a watch?
You swallow your own tongue?

No. But that's going right
in the bank for next time,

I'll tell you that much.

What is your problem? I'm bad
with names. You said yourself.

No, Doug,
you're only bad with the names

of the people in my life.

That's not true.
Really?

What's my boss' name?

Mrs... ter.

I don't know.
Right.

And what's the guy's name

you buy kebabs from
outside Shea Stadium?

I don't know.

What is his name?

Sanjay Habandjasing.

And his wife's name?

I don't know.
You know it.

Say it. Say it.
I don't know it.

Ellen, damn it.
Ellen Habandjasing.

Them you remember,

but Molly you forget.

Who?

Molly.

Heart att*ck girl.

I just said it
five seconds ago, Doug.

All right.

It's not all right.
Forget it.

You don't have to remember
anybody's name,

because you're
never gonna go

to another work thing
with me ever again.

Except for beach brunch
on Sunday.

Okay, and, uh,
when you're done with my jeans,

why don't you go,
uh, vacuum my room,

roll my pennies,

and, uh, oh, yeah,
that shirt you're wearing?

That's mine now.

You know what?
I'm not doing this anymore.

I'm done.

Hi, boys.

Hey.

I got ziti
and Entenmann's.

Tonight we're gonna
eat like kings.

Oh. That sounds great,
Veronica. Hey.

Tell me something.
What is this behind your ear?

Ooh. Ah. Ooh.

Is it a shiny quarter?

Oh, my.

That's a... good trick.

You know any others?

I don't know.
Do I, Spence?

Hey, Carrie.
How's Doug doing?

Oh. Uh, he's fine.

Turns out it was
just indigestion.

But thank you
for doing CPR on him.

That was... brave.

Carrie, I was just wondering
how your husband's doing.

Indigestion.
It was just indigestion.

Carrie Heffernan?
Yes.

I'm Andrew Dugan.
I own the company.

Yes, I know.
Your picture's on my paycheck.

I just wanted to know,
how is your husband?

Oh, he's much better now.

I'm glad. Now, what was
the diagnosis at the hospital?

Oh, it was just indigestion.

Just indigestion?

Yeah. Yeah. Gas.

A lot of gas.

They said it was like
people's worth.

But he's okay now.
He's okay now.

Doctor said my father
had indigestion.

A week later we were
playing badminton,

I lofted a high, arcing sh*t
to his side of the net...

The shuttlecock
never came back.

I won the point.

But lost my dad.

I'm so sorry.

Ah, well, Carrie...
Don't you worry.

This isn't going to be
happening to your husband.

Do you know what I'm going
to do? I am going to get him

to the best heart specialist
in the city.

Oh, no, no, no,
sir, sir,

that's really not necessary.

We already took him
to a specialist.

Oh? Who?

Dr., um,

Habandjasing.

Never heard of him. I'm gonna
send him to my specialist.

No, you really
don't need to do that.

Carrie...

I saw how your husband clutched
his chest and went down.

You put that behind
a badminton net,

and it's my dad all over again.

Now, you have your husband
at All Saints Hospital

at a. m. tomorrow.

Oh, and no food
for hours before.

Hold on to your skirt.

I had Mario attempt
the very first ever

quadruple cheese pizza.

I swear,
it's like I'm holding a body.

Let's dig in.

What?

Right back at ya.

Come on, baby,
win me a stuffed animal.

Carrie, I can't go in there.
I'm claustrophobic.

Well, it's gonna be
a rough half hour for you.

Half hour?

Longer if you move.

Hey, Dad. I'm heating Doug up
some soup. You want some?

No, thank you, darling. I'd like
to talk to you about something.

What's up?
As you may know,

I'm twice widowed.

Yes, I heard.
I'm so sorry.

Well, I think it would be
easier for you to handle

Doug's impending death if you
begin dealing with it now.

Dad, Doug is not dying.

Still in denial.

Listen to me.
Doug is fine.

You're fooling yourself.
He's a ticking time b*mb.

All right.
So what do you want me to do,

put a pillow over his face,
finish him off?

No. That's horrible.

However, if you're asking

for a few minutes
alone with him...

message received.

What's your point?

I want you to look these over,
get familiar with them.

Dad,

these are men's profiles
from a dating service.

Exactly.

Now, this time,

I say we go for money.

Huh.

Where's my soup?

All right,
hold on to these.

Hey, hon.

How you doin'?

Not too bad.
Who knew it would actually

turn out that I'd be healthy?
Yeah.

And the doctor
said you were big-boned.

Who knew that was a real thing,
huh?

Listen, uh,
as you know,

I did a lot of thinking
in the hour and a half

you were screaming
in the MRI tube.

And I know what you did,
you were just doing for me.

I was.

You just... did it in
the stupidest way possible.

Yes, I did.

I just have to realize
with you,

I just need to lower
my expectations.

The lower you go,
the happier you'll be.

Don't be afraid
to get 'em way down low.

Okay.

Look, I know that...

I have to take more
interest in your work

and things that are
important to you.

Thank you.

Could you do me a favor and just
put the pillow behind my back?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, hello, Danny.

Hey there.

Hey, buddy,
how's it goin'?

What's going on here?

What do you mean?

Sink's full of dishes,

basket of my dirty
clothes is still there,

and I'm not smelling
any zucchini bread.

Well, I've decided
not to do your chores anymore.

Really?
Yeah.

Well. Well, if that's
the way you feel,

then it looks
like Danny the Great...

is on.

Hmm.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That's for me.

Good evening,
Trudy.

Mom.
What are you doing here?

Spencer invited me
for wine.

Come on in,
sweetie.

Hello, Trudy.
Oh, it's so good to see you.

Can I talk to you
in the kitchen?

Oh, sure. I gotta go pour
a couple of glasses

of award-winning Beaujolais.

What are you doing?

You know she has
a drinking problem.

Really?

Is that gonna make her...

vulnerable?

You wouldn't?

I would.

You're bluffing.

Try me.
Oh, yeah? Try me.

Okay, I'm out.
Me, too. Forget it.

I can't believe I opened
a $ bottle of wine.

I can't believe
I bought a rabbit.

Hey. You ready
to go to lunch?

Yeah. And I'm thinking
soup and a salad?

Well, if those items
come with my lasagna,

we're in the right
restaurant.

All right, we'll go
wherever you want to go.

Just give me
one second, okay?

Doug?
Is that you?

Ah, you're a sight
for sore eyes.

Doug, you remember
meeting Mr. Dugan.

Of course I remember
Mr. Dugan.

Please, we're family.
Call me Andrew.

Okay.
Tell me, how you feeling?

Great.

Yeah, and your, uh,

doctors gave him a great diet,

and I will make sure
that he sticks to it.

Fantastic.
I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go
up to my office,

and get Doug a set of Dugan
Group golf club head covers?

I am on it.

Anyway, Doug, it's good
to see you up and about.

It makes me feel better
that you feel better.

Oh, thanks so much,
Mr. Dugan.

Ah-ah-ah.
Come on, now, Doug.

What did I tell you
to call me?

Oh. Here are your
golf club things.

Thanks.