07x06 - Offtrack... Bedding

[bunniefuu]

Son of a-

Little help.

Hey, sticky buns.

Aw, it's cute when you
give me little nicknames.

Hm?

Nothing.

Aren't my parents
here yet?

No.

Uh, they called
from the airport, though.

Your father's holding out
for a cheaper taxi.

I would've liked to see them
before my union meeting tonight.

Union meeting? Since when
do you go to union meetings?

Since they started
serving beer.

And we might be going on strike
or something.

I don't know.
What's the big deal?

Well, Doug, I-
I have some work to do.

I need you to entertain
your parents.

And I was kind of
hoping to

try out my new
bubble bath as well.

"Lavender surrender. "

Make a good
stripper name.

All right, Doug.

I'm just saying. I wouldn't
have to go to any union meetings

if you could work a couple
nights as Lavender Surrender.

All right, come on.
I really have stuff

I gotta do tonight.

Relax, all right,
I got it covered.

Tonight, I got
two theater tickets

for my parents.

So once they're out
of the house,

you can take a bath,
invite your boyfriend over-

The house is yours.

I just hope they're

getting along
a little better.

What?

You remember last month
in Florida,

they were going at
each other all the time.

No, they weren't.

Doug, come on.

Your father called
your mother an idiot

because she bought him
potato chips in a can.

because you bought me
mini donuts

instead of
the regular size?

Does that mean
I don't love you?

Well, you did say
some pretty hurtful things.

Well, I don't like
mini donuts.

There they are.
Okay.

Hey!

Hello, honey!

How are you?
Good to see ya.

Hi, Dougie.
Hey, Dougie, quick.

Go grab the bags
before the cabby gets 'em.

This guy is fishing
for a tip.

So how was
your flight?

Oh, it was
really nice.

Ah, you know, they recycle
the air on those planes,

so it's mostly
exhaled carbon dioxide

and flecks of
other people's skin.

Did not know that. Hm.

I brought you
the in-flight magazine.

Oh, thank you.
There's an article in there

on Arsenio Hall's
favorite steak house.

Turns out-

Bup-bup-bup-bup. I wanna
be surprised.

Still fighting bags
with wheels, huh, dad?

Hey, wheels break.
Then where are ya?

Right back to here.

So, Joe, you all ready
for your big convention?

Oh, yes, I am.

Feast your eyes on
what's gonna bring home

the golden caboose

at the rd annual

Model Train Expo.

Oh, that is pretty sweet.

Hey, hey, hey.
You know the rules.

Oh, come on, Joe.
Let him touch the train.

It's not a train.
It's an engine.

Oh, well, in that
case, who cares? I care!

You know, for one week-
one week out of the year

- could I have that
to enjoy myself?

Fine.

Good.

Speaking of enjoying
yourselves...

who's going to see
Robert Goulet

in Camelot tonight?

Really?
Oh?

Oh. That's my favorite show.

I know.

Aw, Joe, look.

Whoa!
Sixty-five bucks each.

I wonder how much of this
goes to Goulet.

All right, well, you guys
have a great time.

I got a union thing
I gotta go to.

Aw, thank you,
Dougie.

That was so generous
of you.

Come on.

You guys raised me.

You paid for me to go
to college.

Sorry that didn't work out.

Ooh. Look at you.

You look beautiful.

Oh, thank you, Carrie.

I am so looking forward
to tonight.

There's nothing more exciting
than a live show.

Yeah.

Last live show
Doug took me to,

it was two guys fighting
in a cage.

Oh, no.

You're not wearing that
train hat to the theater.

I can't go.
What?

I got a call
from the convention center.

They're assigning
table locations tonight,

not in the morning.
So?

So if I don't
get down there ASAP,

I'll be way in the back
with all those monorail freaks.

But Dougie bought
those tickets.

Hey.

The grand conductor
makes the assignments, not me.

I'm sorry. I gotta go.

I'm sorry, Janet.

Don't be.

Who needs him?

Hey, maybe you'll
come with me.

We could do
a girls' night out?

Ah, I wish I could,
but I have all this work.

Oh, yeah, of course,
your work.

Hey, you know what?

There's no law against a woman
going to the theater by herself.

I just, uh...

I'll do it, and- And-
And it'll be better, you know,

because I won't have to fight
with Joe for the armrest.

Yeah.
There you go.

So I'm just gonna
go get my bag.

Hey, Dad.

You're home early.

Tough night
at the senior center.

I had to flip the checkerboard
in a fit of rage

earlier than usual.

I take it
the duke and duchess

of Fort Lauderdale
have arrived.

Yes.

Why do you have such a problem
with Doug's parents?

I can't take their
constant bragging.

"Oh, we saved
for our retirement. "

How bourgeois.

Goulet's in town?

Yeah.

Hey. Why don't you go
with Janet?

Me?

Yeah.
Joe can't go,

and I have all this work
I have to do,

but it would really help
everyone out

if you would take her.

What do you say?

No posible, señorita.

Dad.

Come on. Please?

How can I say no
to my little girl?

Ten bucks,
plus expenses.

Subway fare, $ .

Two knishes, $ .

Janet, how much
was that program?

Oh, these
are free.

Uh-huh.

One commemorative program,

$ . .

It was so nice of you
to come with me, Arthur.

My pleasure.

Carry the one...

It's a beautiful theater.

Last time I was here,

I was a young
socialist dreamer,

taking in
the opening night

of a Clifford Odets
musical.

I believe
it was called...

Johnny Wants
a Living Wage.

But I don't
want to bore you.

Oh, it's not
boring at all.

I love the theater.

I can never get Joe to come,
let alone talk about it,

so...

please go on.

Well, it was
a marvelous play,

almost Brechtian,

with a sassy hint
of old-time burlesque.

Closed that night.

My, how
fascinating.

You want fascinating?

Have I ever told you
about the night

I pumped
Helen Hayes' stomach?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh. Oh, that
was a hoot.

I haven't had
so much fun in years.

Well, Arthur Spooner

does not
disappoint.

Well, good night.

And thank you again
for a lovely evening.

Thank you,
milady.

Hello, Douglas.

Good night.

Hey, Ma.
Oh, hey, honey.

Off to work?

Yeah. Is, uh,
Dad up yet?

Up? He's already
at the convention center

with his trains.

Oh.

Just- I feel bad
leaving you here by yourself.

You, uh...

wanna meet me
for lunch later? Or-

Oh, just
a reminder, Janet.

Bring
a light sweater.

It's chilly
on the lake.

Okay.

No, thanks, honey,
I'll be fine.

Hey, honey.

I'm reading an article,
"Nine Ways to Please Your Man. "

Now, this might be
the wine talking,

but I am willing to do
two of them.

That's great.

Look, I know
you've been busy

with your bubble baths
and whatnot.

I just wanted to get you
up to speed on a couple things.

Uh, we're getting low
on mayo,

I fixed that faucet thing.
And, uh-

oh, yeah

- our parents
are dating.

No, they're not.

They're just spending
time together.

See, this is
all your fault.

What? Yeah. Uh-

'Cause you had to send
your father with my mother

to the theater.

W- why would you
do that?

I mean, there's
a reason we keep him

in the basement.

Doug, I was just trying
to do something nice

for your mother.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and you
know what?

We wouldn't be having
this conversation

if your father
would've taken her.

But, no. Of course,
he had a very serious

choo-choo emergency.

Hey, when he wins
that golden caboose,

you're gonna be sucking on
an ice-cold shut-up-sicle.

Doug.

I know this is hard
for you to handle, okay,

but your parents
are having problems.

They are not!

Yes, they are.

Your father has been
neglecting your mother.

Hello!
It's train week.

All right, look-

Maybe they're going through
a little bit of a-

A rough spot right now.
But it doesn't help

having your dad
sniffing around my mom.

And by the way,
yesterday,

I think I saw him
doing that.

So what do you want me to do?

Talk to him.
Tell him to back off.

All right, I will
talk to my father.

But I really do think you need
to talk to your mother.

Think I should talk to her?
Know what you do?

Just get the monkey in the cage. Ugh.

Hey, Dad.

Ah, just the man
I wanted to see.

Here's the total expenses
I've incurred for Janet.

I think you'll find my rates
are quite competitive.

Uh, listen, Dad.
I don't think you should

take Janet out tonight.

Why? I've already
billed you for it.

Well, I-
I just-

I think Doug's parents
are having some problems,

and I don't want Janet
to misinterpret your intentions.

I assure you,
my intentions

are purely monetary.

Oh, that's
good to know.

Plus, she's not
really my type.

Arthur Spooner likes 'em
lean and mean,

like a feral cat.

Okay, well, I'm glad
you understand because,

you know, you're
a pretty charming guy.

And with you in the picture,
you know, anything could happen.

Know what I'm saying?
Yes, I do.

Okay.

Although, now that
you bring it up...

...this last week has been
such a crazy whirlwind...

I really haven't had a chance

to gauge my feelings for Janet.

No, Dad, no feelings.
Nothing to gauge.

I mean...

Janet does have a smile
that lights up the room.

See, I disagree.
Middle-of-the-road smile.

And you did say
her marriage is on the rocks,

so I'd just be speeding up
the inevitable.

Okay, Dad, look.
I will give you $

if you stay away
from Doug's mother.

My love can't be bought!

Oh, hi, Dougie.

Hey, Ma.

Artie's taking me to
the Velvet Lounge tonight.

Is this dressy enough?

I- Yeah, actually,
you know what? I-

I wanna talk to you
about Arthur for a second.

Oh, sure.
What is it?

I just wanna thank you,
first of all,

for putting up with
his craziness all week.

Welcome to my world,
you know what I'm saying?

Oh, I don't mind.
Mm-mm.

I like Arthur.

Yeah, y-you know.

You like him,
but...

in the way you like

a sad, little three-legged
dog, you know. Heh.

Actually, it's more pity
than like, am I right?

No, I really
like him.

Okay, fine.
You like him. Yeah.

What's your point?

My point is, uh, you don't
actually like him

like you like dad,
right?

I mean...

I'm so confused.

Oh, God.

I- it's just that
it's been so long since...

someone paid
attention to me.

Someone who-

Who was excited
to spend time with me.

Dad does that.

No, he doesn't.

All he cares about
is his trains.

Yeah. Yeah, he-
Yeah, he likes his trains,

but you guys have
so much other stuff.

Like what?

Like-
You got your Boggle.

Uh, Judging Amy.

Your Judge Judy-
All your judges.

Bottom line, you guys
got a lot of stuff.

Look, Doug...

I know that I'm not
a young girl anymore.

But I still have
urges and desires

that need to be fulfilled.

Mm-hm.

And I'm not just talking
about the physical act of sex.

Which, by the way,
your father-

All right, Ma,
that's it!

No more desires or urges.

And you are not
to be fulfilled.

Now go in there
and bake something!

I'm sorry, Douglas,

but I am going out
with Arthur tonight.

Did you talk to
your dad?

Um, yes,
we talked.

Douglas, I want you
to know

if things between your mother
and I go the way

I think they're
heading,

I would never try to
replace your father.

But I do expect
to be obeyed.

What happened
down there?

I don't know.

It got away from me
pretty fast.

Heh.

You listen up,
old man. Um...

if you try to take
my mother out again,

you're gonna be
in a world of pain.

Son, this belt doesn't
just keep my pants up.

Hey, Dad.

Yeah, just a sec.

Huh! Huh-huh?

You think Dorfman's got this
in his stupid alpine village?

Uh-uh.

Look. You know,
th-that's great.

Do you know Mom went out
with Arthur again tonight?

Oh, good. Here, hand me that
little Chinese couple, okay?

You want a sh*t at winning this,
you gotta play the PC game.

Look, you know,
I- I talked to Mom,

and I gotta tell you,
she's not completely happy.

Aw, you know
your mom. She's fine.

Da- No, Dad,
she's not.

And you know where
she went with Arthur?

To the Velvet Lounge.

Really?

That's where I used to take her
when we started dating. Heh.

Yeah. Y-you know, I-I-I-
I think you should go to her.

No, I can't.
This is judging night.

Uh, this is my year. I'm gonna
get that golden caboose.

Dad, would you stop
with the trains?!

What? Stop! Enough already!

I mean, Mom was right.

All you care about
are these damn trains.

Our whole lives
they came first.

That's not true.
It is true.

When I was a kid
you wouldn't let me touch 'em.

You had your chance,
and you blew it.

I was . The freight car
looked like a candy bar.

Turn the page.
Aw.

Come on, Dougie.
Even when I got older, Dad,

you said I couldn't
play with 'em

'cause I didn't have
a license.

There were no licenses,
were there?

Not at the time, no.
It's...

Y- your mother's
really unhappy?

You're right.

These trains, they hurt
the people I love.

I gotta go find
your mother.

Good.
I, uh...

I need you to do me
a favor, son.

What?

Take the Boston b*llet
into the station.

Can do.

Janet. I must say, you move
with a silky elegance.

Thank you, Arthur.

You know...

we can stay out
as late as you want.

I've adjusted my medications
accordingly.

Oh.

Oh, it looks like
someone

could use another
"martooni. "

Well, maybe
just one more.

Joe?

Janet, I'm not saying
it's gonna be easy,

but with my love
and your alimony...

we can build a life together.

Eh.

All right.

I'm gonna need
a receipt for these.

And it's back
to the basement.

I told you,
my dad had to leave.

They were his trains.

But you said your father
had these trains for years.

You never used it once?

He wouldn't let me.

It doesn't add up.

Doesn't add up.

Am I released now?

No.