07x08 - Awed Couple

[bunniefuu]

Hey, honey.

What are you doing?

Coloring.

Gotta be honest
with you.

A little disturbing.

Kirby left them.

It's actually pretty relaxing.

Is that so?

Yeah.
You should try it.

It may take the edge off
during your lady time.

Well, thank you for the tip,
but you have your little fun,

and then maybe later you can
climb up into your tree house,

and I'll bring you a juice box.

Make your jokes,

but you don't know
what you're missing.

Okay, I want in.

Give me the, uh,
orange one.

No, I'm using it.

No, you're not.

I will be in a second.

Doug, I have a bunny here
with a carrot.

So?

So I need
the orange one.

Use brown.
Give the bunny a cigar.

No. I need it!

Tough!
Doug, give it to me.

No. No!

Oh, my God, give it to me.

No!
Give it to me.

Dad!

You're such a baby.

So how have you guys been?

I feel like I haven't seen you
in, like, forever.

You know, good.

Busy with the kids,
school, play dates.

Kirby's got his
baton-twirling class.

Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.

I miss our regular
Saturday night thing.

You know, we gotta
get that thing

back up and running again.

How 'bout
next Saturday?

All right, so we'll do it
the next Saturday.

Dinner and a movie?

You know, that's not
gonna work for us either.

Okay, um, did we do something
to tick you guys off?

Was it because we smiled
when you told us

about Kirby's
baton-twirling classes?

'Cause we were smiling
like "That's awesome!"

Wait, it's not you,
it's just, uh...

We met another couple.

What?

The thing is that
they live in our building.

The kids are the same age.

Saturday afternoon
the kids play together,

then at night
we all hang out,

and we don't have
to get a sitter.

It's kind of become
a regular thing.

We didn't mean
for this to happen.

It just... did.

All right. Hey, man,
good for you guys.

Yeah. I mean,
they got kids, you got kids.

We could still hang out.

Yeah. We could do brunch.

Whatever.

Come on, man,
don't be like that.

Don't worry
about us, okay?

We got tons of friends.
Yeah. Tons.

Well, that's good.

Yeah, it is good.

I hate Saturday nights.

What do you think
Deacon and Kelly

are doing right now?
Doug, don't.

I'm just saying,
it's been weeks, Carrie.

When does it stop hurting?

I don't know, baby.
I don't know.

I can't believe there
are no other couples

to hang out with.

We could always
call Neal and Marcy.

Neal and Marcy.

Are you crazy?

I'm just saying they loved us. Yeah.

Too much. They named their cats
after us, for God's sake.

Those cats are dead by now.

At least Carrie is.

She got pregnant
like times.

We are not calling
Neal and Marcy, okay?

Yeah, you're right.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Right behind you.

I'm just gonna clean up here
a little bit.

Okay.

Hello? Hello?

Who is this?

Hello?

What are you doing?

Just checking the time.

Seven-oh-eight.
Good job, buddy.

You were calling
Deacon and Kelly again.

I just wanted to hear
what was going on over there.

Oh, my God, you're pathetic.

What was going on
over there?

I don't know,
but it sounded like

the best time
four people ever had.

Damn it.

You know what? Screw them.

And screw us
for being such losers.

You know what we gotta do?

We gotta get off our butts,

get out there and find
a replacement couple

for Deacon and Kelly.

I don't know.

I don't think we're ready yet.

Of course we're ready.

Come on, we're nice,
we're funny, we're smart.

Any other couple
would be lucky to have us.

You know, you're right.

Who cares what
Deacon and Kelly think?

We're a catch!

Yes, we are. So you know
what we're gonna do?

We're gonna shower, shave,

pop that thing on your lip,

and we're gonna
get us a new couple.

I just say we cut
our losses and go.

All right? This obviously
isn't the right store.

Doug, we were just in
the wrong department, okay?

You don't meet a lot
of nice couples in lumber.

We know that now.

The paint department.

Now, this is a virtual
meat market.

Yeah, well, what are we
looking for this time?

I mean, do we necessarily
have to go black?

Can we go back?

I don't care if they're black,
white, or purple,

as long as they're nice.

Hey.

How 'bout them?

Hm. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, I'll give them
a tumble.

All right.

Let's make our move.
It's magic time.

Hey, hon, look at
that color, right there.

Look at that.
That is nice, huh?

Yeah, that is nice.

Wow, that Dutch boy
knows his way

around a can of paint.

You know what
I'm sayin'?

Yeah.
Great variety.

The best.

Hey, you guys wanna
get outta here? Catch a movie?

What?

Just grab some dinner.

Maybe go to
an Olive Garden.

There's one
by the theater.

Um, we actually
have plans.

Oh. No biggie.
Okay. Not a problem.

Take care now.

The walk of shame.

What the hell
was that?

Do you know that you have
no rap whatsoever?

All right, I'm a little
out of practice.

But in my defense,
they had plans.

Yeah, plans to get
a restraining order.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Okay, now, I see
some talent over there.

Now, this time,
you just follow my lead.

Okay, but don't invite 'em
to the Olive Garden.

That's my thing.

Carly? Alex?

No.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You look like friends
of ours from the, um-

From the dog park.

Oh, you have a dog?

Five.

So do you have a dog?

A beagle.

Oh...
Oh...

We're Doug and Carrie,
by the way.

Brigitte and Jon.

Brigitte?
Oh, my God,

that was my
mother's name!

Mine too.

Wow. Small world, huh?

Yes. Yes.

Anyway, it was nice
meeting you.

Okay.
You too.

Okay.

Oh, Doug, did you get
those Norah Jones tickets

for next weekend?

Yes. Yeah, yeah,
yeah I did.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. Norah Jones.

Yeah, she's great.
Yeah.

Yeah, we've seen her.

Oh, yeah?
She is great.

We love her.

So do our moms.
They do.

Anyway, here's
a crazy thought.

Uh, we have
two extra tickets

if you guys
are interested.

Okay. That sounds
like fun.

All right. Well, let me
just get your number.

Great.

We'll call you.

Here you go.
Just call us.

I will.

Don't call after .

I don't wanna wake the kids.

Oh, right-o.

Okay.
Bye.

Damn it! Kids!

Well, this has been
a huge waste of time.

Well, maybe not.

What about them?

Them? I mean, are we really
that desperate?

Attention, shoppers,

the store will be closing
in minutes.

I can't believe
we went out with them.

What were we thinking?

I don't know.

The karaoke, the Jell-O sh*ts,
the line dancing.

I've never felt
so dirty.

Did I really
get up there and sing

You Don't Bring Me Flowers
with Peggy?

Twice.

And once with her
on your shoulders.

I need a shower.

And I need this tattoo
to be temporary.

Doug, we can't
give up, okay?

We've gotta get
back out there.

What the hell is that,
a turtle biting an apple?

Okay, look...

we've hit rock bottom.

Now, I'm gonna throw
two names out at you, okay?

Neal and Marcy.

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

No, you were right.
They're brutal.

Neal's always making
those stupid toasts,

and Marcy's laughing
like a mental patient

at everything he says.

Yeah, but we haven't seen them
in a long time.

Maybe they've changed.

To us.
Not the magazine,

but what the heck,
that too. Right?

It's so funny.

Neal and I were just
talking about you guys,

and then we got home,

and there's your message
on our machine.

We couldn't believe
it was you.

We must have listened
to it times.

So, what have
you guys been up to?

Well, uh,
the big news is

Marcy and I have
a new addition to the family.

A baby?

No.

You know
Neal is sterile.

Oh, come on, show 'em
the picture, honey.

You have a picture
of Neal being sterile?

Of course not, silly.

I am silly.

Is that a boat?

Yes, it is. Thirty-five feet
of seafaring fun!

Whoa, the envelope business
has been good to you, huh?

Well, let's just say-
Oh, Neal, don't.

- envelopes have
my stamp of approval.

Oh, ha-ha, yeah.

Oh, my God!

You have to come out
on the boat with us.

You must!

Must we?

No, no, no.
You see, the thing is-

Oh, honey, look.

It's the Koehlers.

Hey. Hey, Marc, Renee.
Hi, strangers.

Hey.

Doug, Carrie,
this is Marc and Renee.

We were in
a book club together

about a million years ago.

Ugh, that book club!

God, what were
we thinking?

That was deadly.
Deadly.

The bottom line
is books suck.

Wow. I'm glad somebody

finally had the guts
to say it out loud.

You know what? I'll go you
one further than that.

overrated.

I mean, God gave us
the miracle of television.

Who are we
to question his plan?

Exactly.

All Marcy and I ever watch
is The History Channel.

It's very informative.

Anyway...

I love that jacket.

Oh, thanks. I got it
at Bloomingdale's.

But, you know, that sales guy,
he has a real attitude.

If I hadn't
wanted this so badly,

I would have fed him
his own toupee.

I think I met
the same salesman.

I've wanted to smack him
myself a few times.

Yeah?
Yeah.

We gotta run.
We gotta run.

It was nice meeting you.
Yeah.

Oh, hey, listen.

You gotta try
the rib eye special.

They wrap it in bacon,

and then they cook it
in butter. Oh.

I'd eat my own foot
if it was wrapped in bacon

and cooked in butter.
We'll see you.

All right.
Bye.

So we gotta figure out

how to get these landlubbers
out on the boat.

Oh, we have to.

Yeah.
Just have to.

Well, let's do it.
Oh, boy.

Let's put it
together.

Captain Neal
is so cute in his hat.

It's a good time.

He hates books, Carrie.

How great is that?

I know. And did you see
the shoes she was wearing?

Yah!
Ah!

And we both wanna smack
obnoxious salesmen.

Honey, we found them.

We found our couple, baby!

Next Saturday night,

we go out with them. Agreed?

Absolutely agreed.

Never thought going out with
Neal and Marcy would be good.

If we never would have,
we wouldn't have met-

Um...

Oh, my God!

Do you remember
their names?

Crap.

I wanna say...

Helen and Stanley.

Those are The Ropers!

Why didn't you
pay attention?

I was lost in his eyes!

Why didn't you pay attention?

Oh, I was lost in her shoes.

Well, now what
are we gonna do?

I guess we're just gonna
have to get their names

from Neal and Marcy.

Oh, sure.
I'll just call and say,

"Hey, um, you two sicken us,

but can we get the names
and number of your friends?"

If you think it'll work,
I'm on board.

Hey, a toast
to friends.

Not the show.

Ah, what the heck,
that too.

Oh, Carrie,

that bacon-wrapped
rib eye was incredible.

Oh, thank you.

I don't know
where I got that idea.

I think I do.

Uh, God, who was talking
about rib eye...

wrapped in bacon recently?

It was in Cooper's.

Ah, he said,
"Try the rib eye special. "

It was a couple.

There were two of 'em.

Oh, I know!

Um, Neal and Marcy's friends
from the book club.

Yes! Neal and Marcy's friends
from the book club.

Oh, my god!
What were their names?

Uh, Marc and Renee.

Marc and Renee,
of course.

Oh, God.

What- What ya writing,
Care-Care?

Oh, um, just a shopping list
for Costco.

I gotta remember
to pick up a bag of,

um, Nestle miniatures.

Oh.
Yeah.

Don't get miniatures,
get the regular size.

So Marc and Renee.

What characters, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I, uh, I don't envy Marc,

growing up with a last name
like that, huh?

Why?

Well, you just know
how kids tease.

I mean, they can be merciless,
you know.

Especially when they get
a name like that.

Ahem. Koehler?

Yeah.

You kidding me?

"Koehler, Koehler...

has an impacted molar. "

Yeah.

I'll be right back.
I got to get some more-

So, Doug, are
those curtains new?

Sorry about that.

No, it's okay. I was just
wondering if the curtains-

Oh.

You all right?
Yeah.

It's just I've been
working the late shift

and tomorrow I gotta get up
at, like, a. m.

We don't wanna
keep you up.

Great. That's great.

Um, okay, well, we should
really say good night to-

Well, you know,
we'd love to-

Yeah, I'll tell her.

- have the two
of you over.

Are they gone?

Yep. I yawned them
right into the street.

Doug, the Koehlers aren't
listed in the phone book.

We need them!

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding you.
I wish I were.

Oh, God.
They probably got unlisted

because Neal and Marcy
drove 'em away.

They're so crazy.
Now what are we gonna do?

I hate them!
They ruined our lives!

Now we're never gonna
find the Koehlers.

Yeah.

Here we are,

back on the couch.

Maybe it's not so bad
us not finding

another couple
to hang out with, you know?

Just the two of us,
is that so terrible?

It's like that poem,

Grow old with me
The best is yet to be

Okay. Come on.

We're looking for
an address book, a PalmPilot,

a matchbook with the Koehler"
phone number on it-

Anything!

Whoop.

What? You got it?

Nope, but somebody's
got eczema.

Doug, stop it.

I'm just saying
someone's got eczema.

Oh, I got it.
I got it.

Right, they're coming back.
They're coming back.

As soon
as we're out on the ocean

and they're doing boat crap,
let's get that number.

Hey!
Oh.

Let me help you
with that.

Hey, where's yours?

Oh, I thought the four of us
could share this.

That was just-
I was just joking,

'cause, you know, I'm fat.

Doug, I care about you
too much

to laugh
at your health issues.

All right.

Okay, well,
let's fire this baby up

and get her out to sea.

I wanna see
you guys in action.

Oh, well, we won't
be going out.

Huh? Why not?

Well, Neal failed his
boating license test again.

I don't know what it is.
I know all the answers.

I guess I just panic.

Mm-hm. But that doesn't mean

we can't still have fun
right here on the dock.

How do you figure?

Even though Neal
doesn't have his license,

we do have...

Adverbia!

The game of adverbs!

Oh, it is the funnest
word game ever.

Uh, yeah, hey,
you know, we'll play.

We'll all play,
but then Neal, Marcy,

you guys got to give me
a tour of this bucket first.

Yes, you give him
a tour,

and I am gonna bone up
on my Adverbia,

because I plays
to win.

Here's this is what's called
the main cabin.

Uh, here is where
all the action is.

Wow.

Oh, Carrie, I found
the Adverbia-

Uh, what are you
doing, Care-Care?

Um...

What's going on?

Oh, my God,
she's robbing you.

Honey, I thought
we b*at this.

We're gonna have
to move again.

All right...

the truth is,
I was looking for

Marc and Renee's
phone number.

We really hit it
off with them,

and we didn't wanna
ask you guys

for their phone number

because we thought
your feelings would get hurt.

Please, please understand-

Oh, no, we understand.

You only pretended to like us
to get to the Koehlers.

You prefer their
company to ours,

and why wouldn't you?

Because the Koehlers,
they're perfect.

They're just perfect,
aren't they?

Know what? You're not
gonna get to be with them,

because now nobody's
gonna get their number.

I got it, honey!

Excuse me.

Yeah.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to ask you two to leave.

Apparently, you've been making
some unwelcome advances

to our other shoppers.

You can't
make us leave.

We're paying
customers.

Yeah. I'm getting
drywall anchors, okay?

So step off.

I'm gonna need some backup

in the paint department.

Okay, you know what?

Fine. Let's go, honey.

It smells like
bacon in here.

Wait a second,
do you, uh,

and the missis happen
to like Norah Jones?