07x10 - Domestic Disturbance

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The King of Queens". Aired September 21, 1998 - May 14, 2007.*
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Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
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07x10 - Domestic Disturbance

Post by bunniefuu »

Carrie!
Hm?

Oh, crap.

Carrie?
Yeah?

Take a look at this.

What does this
tell you?

I don't know.

Those q*eer Eye guys
got ahold of ya?


No, I had to borrow
your dad's socks

'cause I'm out of socks.

My socks are not clean,

and I don't have
any clean underwear.

Okay, it's like a mosh pit
down there.

All right,
so borrow a pair from my dad.

I tried.
I couldn't figure out

all the snaps and pulleys.

I'm sorry that I'm behind
on the laundry

because I had to cook dinner,
clean up afterwards,

and now I'm paying
all our bills.

I told you I'd help you
with that. You never let me.

That's because the last time
I let you pay the electric bill,

we spent three days
huddled together in the dark

with blankets and candles.

And shadow puppets.

I need your paycheck,
please.

I got it.

Thank you.

What's this scribbled
on the back?

Oh, I was playing around
with an idea

for a new Jets logo.

Are they lookin'
for one?

No.

Oh, honey,
look at this.

With my raise
last month,

I actually make more
than you do now.

What?

Yeah, look.

No, you don't.
I do, look.

Oh, that's 'cause
I got all these deductions.

Look, I got all this FICA.
That's what's bringin' me down.

No, they took FICA.
from me too.

Look, my check can b*at up
your check.

Oh, come on,
I'm teasing you.

We should be proud of ourselves.
We're doing really well.

We are?
Yes.

And according
to my calculations,

we actually have
some disposable income.

Really? What do you wanna
dispose it on?

Um, well, we can start an IRA,
you know?

Start saving
for our retirement.

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

What else ya got?

Okay, well,
we do need to upgrade

our heating system.

That is true.
We do need to upgrade the heat-

But even more
than the heating system,

haven't we been needing
a speedboat?

Okay, let's put a pin
in the speedboat.

Now,
I'm all for splurging,

but it's gotta be something
we both could enjoy.

Okay.

How 'bout a speedboat

and a male dancer?

Hey, Arthur.

Ah, Spence, my boy.

Here for another lesson
in gin rummy?

A- A lesson?

As of yesterday,
you owe me $ , .

Ah, yes.

Double or nothing
is a cruel mistress.

Look,
I'll tell you what.

I'll forget the whole gin debt
if you'll do something for me

that'll make me
very, very happy.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable
where this is headed.

Listen.

It's about my mom.
What about her?

She's out in the car.
I'm-

I'm taking her
to the podiatrist right now.

The thing is,

she's been feeling
really down lately, you know.

Sh-she feels
like nobody wants her

or needs her
for anything anymore.

Well, if your mother's
one thing, she's astute.

Cou- Just-

Couldn't you just-
Couldn't you just go out

and ask her to a movie
or something?

How can I put this nicely?

Your mother's
not my cup of tea

and that I find her
hideous and annoying.

Thanks
for putting it nicely.

Spencer, I don't want
to be late for Dr. Kaplan.

This hammer toe
won't correct itself.

Hello, Arthur.

Veronica.
I'd love to stay and chat,

but I'm counseling runaways
in the basement.

Who are you?

Why are you stealing
my underwear?

¿Qué?

Oh.
Hey, honey.

Um, Inez,
this is my esposo, Doug.


Ah, mucho gusto.
¿Cómo está?


Yeah. Um, uh...

Me voy a lavar la ropa.

Oh, lavar. Yes. Laundry.
Sí, sí, sí, sí.


Okay, what-? What's going on?
Who's that lady?

She's our maid!

What?

Yes. After our talk
last night,

I was downstairs
doing laundry,

trying to Shout out
anchovy paste from your T-shirt,

and I thought,
what would be better

than having some help
around here?

A speedboat.

No.

We- We were supposed to get
something we both enjoyed.

Doug,
the maid's for you too.

Really!

Can I fish off her bow?

No, but she can do your laundry,
your dishes,

and clean up
after your mess.

Hm. I already had someone
doing that. You!

Doug, come on.

This is crazy, Car-
This is a big thing,

and you don't even ask me?

No- It's just that
I fell in love with her, honey,

and I told her
it's only a one-week trial

upon approval of my husband.

A- and she knows that?
D- d-does she even speak English?

A little. But look, I remember
Spanish from high school,

and I bought you
an English-Spanish dictionary.

Oh, great.
N- now I gotta read. Okay.

Doug, will you just give her
a chance?

You will fall in love with her.
Please.

I don't know. I just...

Did I mention
that Inez is an incredible cook?

She makes a Mexican dessert

that is basically
deep-fried ice cream.

And here's another bonus.

When I get home from work,
I won't be busy

doin' all the stuff
around the house.

I will have more time
for pleasin' my man.

Now,
she really fries it?

Hey.

Buenos días.

Sí.

Sí, señorita.

You, eh, finish...

¿con sus platos?

Platos, uh...

Eh, platos. Platos.

Oh, yeah, Yes, yes.
Sí. Sí. Sí.


¿Y la leche?
Sí. Sí.


No. No. No.

Leche. Uh...

Um...

I need leche.

...la leche...

No. No.

Oh, you, eh, wanted
la leche para su cereal.


Yes, I wanted-
I didn't understand you before.

Uh, I was done with the platos
but not with the leche.


It's nobody's fault. It's just
a little communication problem.

You know what I'm sayin'?
Ahem.

You take the leche.
I'm gonna hit a diner.


Yeah.

Buenas tardes.

Hey.

Leche.

Inez?
Yes?

I- I'm looking
for the Oreos.

Mm...

Los Oreos?

Oreos? You-
The cookie?

Mmm.

No.

Hey, honey.

We got a problem.
Oh.

Inez moved the Oreos,
and they're gone-

They're just gone.

Okay, honey, relax.

We'll figure this out, okay?

Inez?

Yes?
Yeah, hi.

Um, Doug is, uh,
buscando, uh, galletas.


Oreos.

¡Oh, las galletas!

Los Oreos.

Oh, look, honey.
She cleaned out the cookie jar

and put cookies in there.

Okay, but now where are
my Arby's coupons?

Gracias, Inez.

...mucho sus galletas...

Oh, yeah.
Sí. Mucho galletas.


Mucho pudding y bacon.

Oh, yeah. Sí.

Sí.

Look, honey,

Inez dusted
under the lamp.

You know my motto, if I don't
see it, I ain't cleaning it.

And look, she put fresh flowers
by our bed.

Oh, that is so nice.
I'm gonna miss her.

What?

Well, you said it was a one-week
trial upon approval of your husband,

And I gotta tell ya,
I don't approve.

What do you mean?
Inez is doing great.

I disagree.

Why?
What's wrong with her?

Well, for one thing,
she moves my snacks around,

and I gotta look
all over the place.

Yeah. Well, God forbid
you burn a few calories

before you inhale
a sheet cake.

See? See, I don't like
how you guys are together.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, you two laughing
and plotting against me

in your secret
little language.

It's called Spanish,
Doug,

and about half the world
speaks it.

Not this half.

Well, you seem to speak it
pretty well when you're ordering

from the Taco Bell
dollar value menu.

Yeah, yeah, you got me.
Ya got me!

'Cause I know how to say
"burrito" and "more. "

Doug, come on.
You're being ridiculous.

Car- You did this
without even asking me.

A- a-and what about
all this fried ice cream

I'm supposed to see,
huh?

Haven't seen it!

All right. Well, you know what?
This is crazy.

Inez is doing a great job,
and she's staying.

Well, if she's staying,
she's working for free

'cause I ain't paying her.
Then I'll pay her.

I pay for most of her anyway. Hm?

What?

Oh. So that's what
this is about.

You think
you're the boss

'cause you're making
a few more dollars than I am.

More than a few.

Oh!
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha.

The gloves are off.

Let me tell ya something.

If you want a w*r

over who calls the sh*ts
in this marriage,

you got one, sister.

Doug,
I don't want a w*r.

Well, you got one,
sister.

Oh, careful.
I just put down some Glo-Coat.

Uh, Veronica.
What's going on?

Oh.

Doug hired me.
Didn't he tell ya?


No.
No, he did not.

Well, maybe he wanted it
to be a surprise.

Yeah, I'm sure he did.
Yeah.

Well, God bless him.

Just feels so good
to be working again.

Hey, Car.

You, uh,
met our new maid Veronica.

Yes.

I've met Spence's mother.

I hope it's not a problem,
but...

she speaks English.

Oh, I'd better dump this trash
before it gets too full.

Oh, good eye, good eye.
She's on top of things.

You are a treasure.

Oh, stop!

All right, just what in the hell
do you think you're doing?

Just giving a senior citizen
a sense of purpose.

Feels good.

Doug, this is ridiculous.
We can't have two maids.

I agree.
Get rid of yours.

No!

Okay, then,
we got two maids.

Hey, you know what?
We can race 'em.

Okay,
you do understand

that we can't afford
to pay two maids?

I don't care.

Okay, you know what?

We can go bankrupt
for all I care.

I would love that.

Good. I hope we end up
living in our car.

Great. Hope your father
likes living on the roof.

¿Más cáfe?

Oh, yes.
Gracias, Inez.


And by the way, Inez,
this chile relleno...

is, uh, muy bueno.

Gracias.
Mm-hm.


It's just so cheesy.

Veronica!

Yeah?
Do you need something?

No, no, no.
I just wanted to let you know

that you've outdone yourself
with tonight's dinner.

Oh.

It's just fish sticks.

Yeah, but they were
just so fishy.

Uh, Doug, could you
pass the salt, please?

Sure.

Mm-mm.
Mm-mm-mm.

Thank you.

Well, listen,
let me clean up

some of these
dirty dishes here-

Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll-
I'll clean that right up.

Uh-uh. Th-th-that's okay.
That's Mrs. Heffernan's drink.

Inez will clean that up.

No, Inez.
Veronica spilled it.

I'm sure she wants
to clean it.

No, she doesn't.

Doug, come on-
Shh.

This is
between the maids now.

All right, could we just
end this now please?

Fine.
You know what, Veronica?

I'll be having my Oreos
in the kitchen tonight.

Veronica.

Oh, hey, Arthur.

So now you're stalking me.

I'd call the authorities

if I didn't have
an outstanding warrant

in New Hampshire.

Relax.

Doug hired me to help
around the house.

See? I'm washing out
his work clothes.

Oh.

So am I to understand
you're the maid?

Yeah.

Oh.

Then as master of the house,

I'll leave you
to your duties.

Hm.

What is it?

It's just this sudden change
in circumstances.

I must admit...

I'm finding it
rather titillating.

You do?

Perhaps it's the taboo
of class distinction

or the allure or your stern
yet body-hugging uniform.

But I'm seeing you
in a whole new light.

Look, Arthur,
I was hired to work here.

Now, any personal relationship
between us

would be
totally inappropriate.

You know just what to say
to get me going.

Look at this.

Apparently,
someone thought doing laundry

wasn't as important
as watching Sábado Gigante.


You know what they say.
When life gives you lemons...

you get lemon maid.

Inez, uh,
¿Qué?


what's going on
with the, uh, lavaro here?


No puedo ir abajo.

Why can't you go downstairs?
¿Porqué?


Porque Veronica siempre
downstairs haciendo


boom-boom
con Señor Grandpa.


Do you know
what's going on?

Instead of doing
her work,

Veronica is downstairs
boom-booming my dad!

What?

Yeah! That's why Inez
can't do the laundry.

Your maid
is ruining my maid.

You're just jealous

'cause my maid's
willing to go the extra mile.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry I was downstairs so long.

I had to catch up
on my ironing.

Okay,
you know what?

I will handle this

just like I handle
everything else around here.

So why don't you eat a ring-ding
or a Ho Ho or a hoo-hoo-

Whatever the hell it is
you eat now, okay?

Uh, Veronica,
it's pretty obvious

that we have a crazy thing
going on here.

But, uh, you've been doing
a great job,

but I'm gonna have
to let you go.

Uh, excuse me.
You do not have that authority.

Yes, I do 'cause I'm the boss.
You're fired.

No, no.
You stay right here.

If anybody's getting the boot,
it's her.

Sorry, Inez.
You're fired.

¿Qúe?

Oh, God,
what is the word here?

The word. Uh...

Sorry, Inez.
You're confuego.


Okay, idiot.
You just told her she's on fire.

She knows what I mean.
Yeah.

Why are you still here?

He told me to stay.

And I am telling you to leave,
or it is go time.

Oh!

Go time. Let's go.
Yes, absolutely.

Esto es imposible.

No, no
- Yeah, right. Absolutely.

Sorry. Don't let the, uh, puerta
hit you in the, uh...


You know!

Never would've happened
if we got a speedboat.

Veronica.

Yes?

Do you have a moment to pop
on down to my room?

Why?

There's something wrong
with my bed.

You're not in it.

We have all the time
in the world now.

Carrie fired me.

So you're no longer
the maid?

No.

But after all we've shared,

does that really matter now?

I'll call you.
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