07x17 - Wish Boned

[bunniefuu]

Yeah.

Welcome to the Final Four.

Ah. Final Four.
Just in time.

Hi, hon.

Hey. I thought you guys were
gonna be out all day

celebrating his birthday.

Change of plans.

I heard you were home
watching basketball,

so I told her Six Flags
could wait for another day.

Excuse me,
I gotta get something.

Did you tell him
I was home watching the games?

He asked where you were.
What was I to say?

I told you what to say.

Oh, yeah, you were reading
to blind children. I forgot.

You forgot. Now I'm stuck
with the Aqua Velva man.

Doug, just let him watch
with you, please?

Think of it
as your birthday gift.

My birthday gift is that he's
not living in the V.A. hospital.

Look, Carrie.
Look, I'm serious.

I wanted to watch
the games by myself.

It's important. My whole
office pool rides on this.

What office pool?

Do you listen
to anything I say?

I'm selective,
I'll admit.

The March Madness pool, okay?

If both my teams win,
I get two tickets to St. Louis

for the championship game,
all expenses paid.

Douglas! Hurry!

You're missing the Maalox
Pregame Roundup.

Just let him watch with you.
For me.

Okay, fine.
Thank you.

Now I just gotta run
some more errands,

but I just want you to know
that I really appreciate this.

This is very sweet of you.

Well, I hate your guts.

They're doing a feature
on one of the players.

Leshandon Hawkins,
raised by his grandmother.

Did you ever?

Never.

The most compelling story
of this tournament.

This is some fun, huh?

Did I ever tell you
I used to play

for the Oneonta Red Dragons?

Last night and this morning.

The other players nicknamed me
"Crazy Legs Spooner. "

Prior to that I was known simply
as "Legs Spooner. "

Oh, I will get it.

Hello?

What? I can't-

I just sat down, I'm watching
the games with my father-in-law.

All right, all right.

I'll be right there.
Jeez, bad news, Arthur.

One of our other drivers
got real sick.

I gotta go and fill-in for him.

Oh, my God. Which one?

Oh, uh, it's Tom
Mc... Jagger.

Here we go
with the opening tip.

And we're down to two minutes
left in this thrilling matchup.

Hey, Dad.

Where's Doug?

Oh, he left.

He had to fill-in
for McJagger.

Simpson, in-bound pass,
looking for someone open.

What are you doing?
What?

You're supposed to be watching
the game with my father.

I tried. It was too painful.

So I just called myself
with my cell phone

and, uh, pretended
it was work.

The fake phone call thing
again?

You know, he's gonna
figure that out eventually.

When he figures out Velcro,
I'll start worrying.

Come inside
so we can do his cake.

No, Carrie, I got a sh*t
at winning this.

Inside now.
Ugh.

Okay.

Wilkins sets,

and the final free-throw
is good.

And that ties the score at .

We'll be back
with the final seconds

after these words.

Okay, I'm home from work!
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Okay. Dad,
could you come in here a sec?

A cake?
I need my Lactaid pills.

Oh, I got 'em.
I got 'em.

Okay.

No, no, no.
These are regular strength.

I need ultra.
Okay.

Just eat around the ice cream.

Hello? What? You're kid-

Okay, I'll be right there.

Work again.
Unbelievable.

I hate the way those bastards
take advantage

of his good nature.

Problem is,
he's just too nice.

Yes, that's his curse.

Anyway, why don't you
just go ahead

and, uh, blow out the candles
and make a wish?

Ah.

Okay, that was a wet one.

Anyway, what did
you wish for?

A tiger cub?

No, no, no,
not this year.

I'm for
on that one.

What then?
Uh, to be honest,

I wished I could spend
more time with Douglas.

Really?

Yeah. He's such
a wonderful young man,

but it seems every time
I'm about to enjoy

the pleasure of his company,
he's whisked away to his job,

or one of his charities,
or he's locked in his room

stricken with fever.

Oh, well.

Let's enjoy
this wonderful cake.

I won. I won.

Douglas, I thought
you were called back to work?

No, t-that was
a wrong number.

I'm going to St. Louis
for the big game.

Oh, that's great.

Sounds like
a marvelous adventure.

Um, have you decided who
you're gonna take with you?

Yeah,

Deacon.

Did you not see me bulge my eyes
and point with my head?

Yeah, I assumed you were having
some sort of seizure,

so I left.

Why can't you just-

No, Carrie, I am not taking him
to St. Louis.

And, you know, it's insane
for you to even ask.

But I'm only asking
because it's his birthday.

No, no. You got
his birthday gift

when you made me
watch TV with him.

But you didn't
watch TV with him.

He rubbed ear stuff on me.

Okay, look, Doug, I know that
he's not a picnic to be around,

but the fact is
that he adores you.

Do you know what
he wished for tonight

when he was blowing out
his candles?

To spend more time
with you.

How do you know that?
Because he told me.

If he told you his wish,
it can't come true.

Doug.

I don't make the rules, baby.
All right.

Let me bottom line
this for you, okay?

You do this for him,

and I will never ask you
to do anything with him

ever, ever again.
Yeah, okay.

Yeah, right.
No,

I am serious.
Take him to St. Louis,

and you are done.

You don't have to drive him
to the senior center,

no more playing Monopoly,

Chinese checkers,
thumb wrestling,

and my hand to God,

you never have
to apply ointment

to his naked back again.

Wait a second,
you just mentioned his back.

You didn't say anything
about his front.

Has he got something on
his front I don't know about?

Fine. You don't have
to do his front, either.

All right.

Hey there, folks.

Welcome aboard flight
to St. Louis.

Please make yourselves
comfortable,

we should be
taking off shortly.

This was a wonderful
surprise, Douglas.

Thank you again.

My pleasure.

The fact is, I've been itching
to spend more time with you.

Really?

I was just telling Carrie

I wanted to spend
more time with you.

Wow.

Well, let's just enjoy the time
we have together now.

You know,

in case we don't see
each other much after this.

Yeah, let the enjoying
commence.

What do you got there?

My sleeping pills.

Nervous flier, huh?

Oh, yes.

More than once I've stormed
the cockpit in a panic,

but these days,
that's frowned upon.

Hey, folks,
this is Captain Bender.

We seem to be having a little
problem with the landing gear.

Hopefully we'll get it fixed
and we'll take off shortly.

Oh, God.

Oh, I'm sorry

your flight's delayed, honey,
but hang in there, okay?

You're doing a really great
thing for him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, how's everything
going there?

Uh, it's okay, I guess.

I mean, you know I don't like
to be home by myself,

but it is one night.

I'll just try to get through it
somehow.

All right. I love you.

I love you too.
Bye-bye.

Folks, this is the captain
again.

Apparently,
our maintenance crew

has been unable to fix
the landing gear after all.

But don't worry, we'll get you
to St. Louis tonight.

We have another flight that
connects through Pittsburgh

leaving from Gate
in about minutes.

All right, Arthur,
come on, we gotta hustle.

Arthur?

Arthur?

Huh?

Douglas? Douglas?

Yeah, sh- Shhh.

He's old.
Uh, I'm here.

What's going on?

Flight got cancelled. We had to
grab a connection to Pittsburgh.

We're in Pittsburgh?
Yeah.

I've never been
in Pittsburgh.

Come on, let's tour
the steel mills.

Let's drink
from the Monongahela.

We board in a few minutes.
Oh.

That's just enough time
to load up on some souvenirs.

I'll be back in a jiff.

Hey, we don't have a jiff.

Guess who.

Hey, Joe.
What are you doing here?

Oh, I had to go
to a buddy of mine's funeral,

but my flight back doesn't leave
for a couple of hours,

figured I'd pop in here
and surprise you.

Well, mission accomplished.
Yeah, heh.

Where's my boy?
He upstairs?

Uh, no.

Actually, he, uh,
won some tickets

to a basketball game,

so he's on his way
to St. Louis with my father.

Oh. Ah, jeez, I'm sorry
I missed him.

What's all this?
You having a séance?

Uh, no, no. I-

Just a little bit
of mood lighting.

Won't be needing that now.

Oh, God, you're in
the middle of dinner.

Yeah, I'm just having
some sushi. You want some?

No, the one time
I had that,

I got a tapeworm as big
as a baby's leg.

But you enjoy.

Attention all passengers
on flight to St. Louis.

This is final boarding.
Final boarding for St. Louis.

Damn it, Arthur.
Come on.

Hi.

Excuse me, my father-in-law
kind of wandered off.

Can you give me five minutes?

I got to get him
to St. Louis tonight.

I'm sorry.
If it's not an emergency,

I have to close
the door now.

Okay. Y-you know,
it is an emergency.

If I take him
to this game tonight,

I never have to spend time
with him again.

Let me tell you something,
that is huge,

'cause the guy is brutal.

I mean, if a migraine headache
wore a cardigan sweater,

and chewed its soup,
that would be Arthur Spooner.

You know what I'm saying?

Arthur.

And to think I just bought you
an "I Heart Pittsburgh" button.

Arthur! Just give me one second,
please? Arthur.

Hey, I'm trying to find a guy

who ran off in that direction
right there.

You want to help me chase him?
I'll give you bucks.

Sure, hop in.
All right, man.

Thank you very much.
Let her rip.

Let her rip.
Let her rip.

g*n it.

Okay.

Not the best bucks
I ever spent. Thank you.

Arthur, how'd
you get back here?

I just did a quick circle
around the chairs.

Sir, I'm closing
the door now.

Are you boarding or not?

Yes. Yes, we are.
No, we're not.

I'm not flying to St. Louis
with a man who despises me.

Never again.
Look, I don't-

I don't despise you, okay?

I- I just made that stuff up
so he'd hold the gate.

I swear it.
Now, come on.

Douglas, I may be
a stupid old man,

but I'm not stupid.
You meant what you said.

And I'm not getting on
that plane.

You know what, Arthur?

You're right.
I meant what I said.

I meant every
damn word of it.

Every time I got
something good in my life,

you come along with
your big Mickey Mouse hands

and scoop it away.

What did I ever
take from you?

I defy you
to name three things.

My basement,

my privacy,

a quarter of my paycheck
every week.

I defy you to name three more.

There are thousands more,
okay, Arthur?

Let's go with
the latest one, this game.

I really wanted to go
to this game

and you blew it for me.

I will not give you
the satisfaction

of lording this over me.

I will get you
to your precious game.

How the hell are
you gonna do that?

How you doing there, Joe?
Getting close maybe?

Few more seconds.

Okay.

Startin' to get
the shakes.

All right.

Let her down gently.

Okay.

Ugh. How's that?

She still wobbling?

Didn't notice that
she was wobbling before,

but it seems fine now.

Ah, I don't know.

Let me see.

Whoa.

You don't have a level.

I don't know. Just what's here
is put in the box.

All right,
no need to panic.

I can make one
lickety-split.

All I need is
a couple of Dixie cups,

a Ping-Pong ball
and a drop of oil.

Joe, the table's fine now.

It's your house.

Now, the last time
I was here,

I noticed the ice
was a little milky.

Come on, help me
move the fridge out.

No.

What's the matter?

Look, Joe, I am done
moving furniture

for tonight, okay?

And that also includes
sanding and varnishing.

Oh, gee,
I'm sorry, Carrie.

I guess I kind of did barge in
and take over, huh?

Yeah, a little bit.

Listen, I think maybe
I'd better, uh,

head over to the airport

and, uh, hang out there
till my flight leaves.

Again, I'm sorry
if I interrupted your evening.

It was good seeing you,
Carrie.

Oh, Joe.

Wait. Please.

I want you to stay,
really I do.

Really?

Can't we just sit and talk?
You know, have a normal visit

without power tools
and Dixie cups?

I'd like that.

Me too.

Thank you. Without you,
we wouldn't have had a minyan.

Well, that's what we do.

Okay, that was ridiculous.

You're lucky I taught pottery
on a kibbutz

or I never could have
talked our way on here.

Okay, if I were lucky,

you wouldn't be living
in my basement.

And if I were lucky,
you wouldn't be so fat.

What does that have to do
with luck?

I can't hear you,
you're too fat.

Oh, God!
What was that?

I don't know.

Gentlemen, we've hit
a bit of weather here.

It's going to be pretty bumpy
the rest of the way

to St. Louis,
so please make sure

you keep your seat belts
fastened. Thank you.

Where are my pills?

You took 'em all in New York.
Oh, God!

Just relax, okay?

I can't relax.
I'm terrified.

I wish I'd really prayed
with these men

instead of just making
silly noises.

Aagh!

Come on.

Just relax.
You all right?

You okay?

I- I don't want to die,
Douglas.

You're not gonna die, okay?
It's just turbulence.

I mean, I don't want
to die ever.

With my luck, you won't.

Douglas,

when my time does come,

am I headed upstairs
or downstairs?

I- I think upstairs.

I hope so.
Although, over the years,

at least a dozen people
have said to me,

"You're gonna roast in hell,
Spooner. "

Mm-hmm.

Even so, I think you're, uh-

You're really not
the hell type.

Down there,
they're looking for evil.

You're not evil.
You're-

You're exhausting.

Thank you, Douglas.
Yeah.

I'm sorry I played
the fat card before.

It's okay. You didn't
play it very well.

Well, that being said,

you might want
to speak to the pilot,

because I'm about
to become hysterical.

Gentlemen, it looks like
we're going to be making

an unscheduled stop
in about five minutes.

Don't worry, the screaming man
will be getting off the plane.

So Freddy says to me,

"That's not a Lionel engine.
That's a knockoff. "

But the joke is on him

because I know it's authentic
from the smokestack.

So he sold it to me
for a song.

You're kidding me.
Hand to God.

I love it.

Oh, oh, oh.

Here's the capper.

Jump ahead three years.

I'm at a train show
in Utica

and guess who walks
over to me

with the sorriest-looking
freight car you ever saw?

I think I know who.

Oh, wait.

Hold that thought.

Hello?

What?

Oh, God.

All right. I'll-
I'll be right there.

Okay, bye-bye.

Crisis at the office.
I have to run.

Oh, that stinks.

Yeah, I know, but lock up
when you leave, okay?

Thanks. Mwah.

Okay, so, what do you like?

The Dayton snow globe

or the Dayton
cheese board?

Okay, the cheese board.