07x19 - Ice Cubed

[bunniefuu]

Well, darling,
I'm off for my walk.

Oh, Dad,

you know what? You might
wanna call Holly and cancel.

The weatherman said there's
a big snowstorm coming.

They always do. That's how
they get their bonus money.

I don't think that-

Never mind.

What's different
about this room?

Uh, everything.

We remodeled,
remember?

That's right.

You've turned
your office into a palace.

Meanwhile,
down in the basement,

I can't even get
a -watt bulb

to see the rats
sneaking up on me.

Well, you know what, Dad?
I am going shopping.

I will get you
a new light bulb,

give you
a fighting chance.

And I'm getting myself
an iPod,

so you can have
my CD player.

Wonderful.

Another one of your
obsolete hand-me-downs.

I'll put it next to the Betamax
and my Epilady.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you-?

What? She's not
that far along.

Hello.
Hi.

Hello.

Ah, Roberto. I'm working.
I can't talk right now.

What?!

But you said that
it wouldn't be a problem.

Uh-huh.

Uh, excuse me.
Uh-uh.

Kind of in a hurry.

You know, this whole
blizzard thing hit, you know.

Okay.

Go ahead.
I'm listening.

Uh-huh.

Ma'am, please? I'm sorry. Sorry.

Just looked like you needed
a little nudge there.

Okay, Roberto,
what about your sister?

Uh-huh.

Ma'am, could you please
just let me do my job?

Okey-doke.

Zone to base.
Zone to base.

What, Heffernan?

Yeah, this snow doesn't look
like it's stoppin'.

What's your location?

Not sure.
Could be on, uh...

Casino Boulevard.

Could be on some guy's
front lawn.

I'm officially requesting
permission for a .

Heffernan, you're not
abandoning your truck.

Then I'm requesting
permission for a .

You're not opening
your packages

and eating
the contents either.

Look, you know the deal.

We can't shut it down
till FedEx shuts it down,

and those showboaters are
still out there deliverin'.

Yes, sir.

Honey?

Hey, uh, package
for Philip Matsumoto.

All right.

Wow, I didn't expect
to see you out today.

My mailman
didn't even show up.

Oh, yeah, that "Neither rain
nor sleet" stuff, it's all talk.

Just need you
to sign right there.

Honey,
my jerky came!

Oh, my God,
you must be freezing.

Please come in.

Oh, this is my wife,
Miyoshi.

Hi. Doug.
That's all right.

I'm gonna probably
head back out there.

Not until you warm up.
I make you hot chocolate.

Oh, we're not supposed to.

With marshmallows?

You got marshmallows?

Oh, my God.
Is that high-def?

Oh, yeah.
It's great.

It is incredible.
Come on. Sit down.

I never realized
Bob Barker's eyes were so blue.

Heffernan?

Oh, thank you.
Yeah?

FedEx just shut down,
so you can bring it in.

Uh, you know what, sir?
I think I'm gonna stick it out.

Don't be a hero, Heffernan.

Not being a hero, sir,
just an I.P.S. driver.

You know what goes good
with hot chocolate?

Beef jerky.

So, Arthur, are you almost done
with that Cosmo quiz?

According to this, my "appetite
for sexual adventure

is damaging my reputation
in the workplace. "

Oh, well, um...

Anyway, I'm sorry we had
to cut our walk short today,

but your shoes are dry
and you finished your cocoa,

so I bet you're pretty
anxious to, you know,

get on home, heh-heh.

Not at all.

I love this place.

You've really carved yourself
out a piece of heaven.

Well, actually, Arthur,
I have a date coming over,

so I kinda need
the place to myself.

It- It's our third date,
so it's time for me to...

you know...

start earnin'
those spaghetti dinners.

But, uh,
how will I get home?

It's a blizzard
out there.

Oh, I- I don't-
It's not so bad.

Plus, you're a member
of the Polar Bear Club, right?

That was just to meet girls.

And now for any of you idiots

foolish enough to be
out there on the roads today,

here's Foreigner
with "Cold as Ice. "

Well, this idiot just scored
herself a free iPod, so bye-bye.

Okay, skidding. Turn into it.
Turn into it.

Or is it out?

Crap!

Aw, poor Brad and Jen.

Oh! Father McDaniel.

Hey, what's a girl gotta do
to get a Bible around here?

Carrie, I must say,
I'm quite impressed

you'd brave
this horrendous weather

to come out and worship.

Uh, my car got stuck outside.
I'm waiting for AAA.

So I see
you've been shopping.

Yes, yes, I went shopping.

Doug says that's my religion.

But it isn't.

Ooh. Is that one
of those iPods?

Um... yeah.

Oh, I hear
they're fantastic.

You know, the bishop gave
these away for Christmas,

but it was only for
monsignor level and above.

The rest of us got stuck
with waffle irons. Heh.

Ouch!
Yeah.

Would you mind if I asked you
how much you paid for that?

How much did I pay for it?

Um...

- - ...

Tax...

Come on. What are we talkin'?
Three bills?

You know what it is? I'm just
in a spiritual place right now.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't like to talk
about materialistic things,

especially when I could
have used that money to...

help the poor or whatnot.

But, Carrie,
you are helping.

I mean, that iPod
represents jobs

for the people
who made it

and for the people
who sell it.

Now their families can
have food on their table

and decent shelter...

and hope...

all because you paid
for that iPod.

And God knows that.

Oh, yeah.

How do you like
the massage chair?

Oh.

Love it.

And it ain't shy.

I'll tell you
that much.

All I have is cake.
Is-? Is that all right?

She's adorable.

Oh, honey,
my sister just called.

With a baby on the way,

it's not going to work out
with my father.

Well, where's
he's gonna live?

I told him
he could live with us!

Hey, that's my wallet!

Sure.
That sounds fine.

Thank you, honey.

We need to talk.

You were totally flirting
with me.

I saw you staring.

No, no, no.
You know what?

I had my back turned
to you.

And I didn't hate that.

Yeah.

What is it?

The old man's starin'
at us again.

Ah, get over yourself.

Arthur,
what are you doing?

I'm bored.

Well, didn't you like
the video I gave you?

Big Momma's House?

I liked it better
the first time

when it was called
Angry Men.

Listen, Arthur, the only reason
why I let you stay

is because you promised me

that I wouldn't even
know you were here.

Well, we both knew that
was going to be impossible.

Arthur,
I really like this guy.

I mean,
he's nice, and...

I'm pretty sure
he's not married.

Well, after thumbing
through your diary,

I realize how desperate
you are to find a man.

So I'll be quiet
as a church mouse.

Thank you.

Sorry about the interruption.

It should be fine now.

Mm. You know what
I was thinkin'?

Snow lets up, I'll get us some
take-out from Fratelli's, huh?

Ooh, yum!
Huh? Yeah?

Big mistake!

Arthur!

Last week I found a tooth
in my antipasto.

Well, just be quiet 'cause we're
ordering from there anyway.

Then put me down
for a chicken parm.

Oh, hey, Hol.

Hey, Mag. Remember last week
when I watched Sasha for you?

Yeah.
Well, thanks.

May I help you, ma'am?

Uh, yes, I was in here
a couple of hours ago

and I bought
a bunch of stuff,

and it turns out that
I wasn't charged for this.

So I would like to pay
for it now.

Oh, really?
Do you have a receipt?

Yes, I do, and I tried
to tell your cashier

that it didn't beep,
but, you know.

Oh, so you knew

that it wasn't paid for
before you left the store.

I see.

Hm.

You see what?

Some people might
consider that shoplifting.

You know what,
I gotta tell ya, um...

I'm hearin' "thief" when
I should be hearin' "thank ya. "

Okay?
And another thing,

none of this woulda happened

if your employee of the month
over there

wasn't yappin'
on the phone

when she shoulda
been checking me out.

Carmen, please report
to the service counter!

Yeah?

This woman says you neglected to
charge her for this merchandise

because you were taking
a personal call.

I don't know what
she's talkin' about.

I wasn't on no phone.

Oh, really? Then how do
I know about Roberto?

Yeah, right.

Okay, I was just trying
to get somebody

to pick up my daughters
from school

so that they don't have
to wait out in the snow.

Well, I'm sorry, Carmen,

but this is just
one screwup too many.

I'm gonna have to let you go. What?

Clear out your register

and see Sandy
for your last paycheck.

What? No, no, no.

No, no, no. I didn't want
to get you fir- Uh-

Oh. I am so sorry.

I didn't mean
to get you fired.

Oh, you didn't mean it?

So when my babies are crying
because their mama lost her job

and there's no dinner
on the table,

I'll just say it's okay
because the lady didn't mean it.

So I made things
even worse.

Hm.

And I think I might
have lost a toe.

Well, it's certainly unfortunate

that a young mother
is now without a job,

but you were trying
to do the right thing,

and in that case,

your conscience
should be clear.

Oh, thank you, Father. Heh.

Huh.

"Huh," what?

Well, there is the advice
about goin' the extra mile

that we receive
from the Beatitudes:

"And whoever shall compel thee
to go one mile, go with him two,

and whoever-"

I get it. I got it.

He'll steal change
off your dresser.

He'll hoard things like
tin foil and rubber bands

and lids from old jars
and... jars.

And he'll eat
some of his dinner,

and then save some
in his teeth for later,

sometimes weeks later.

And the smell of old man

will be in your house,
your clothes,

your hair, forever!

But in Japanese culture,

we are supposed
to revere our elders.

Look, I love your food.
I love your TVs,

but on this one,
you guys couldn't be wronger.

Honey, I just called my dad.
He's so excited!

That's-
That's great, honey.

Oh, one little thing:

I think we should put him
in the room upstairs.

Well, my game stuff
is upstairs.

Can't he stay in the room
off the kitchen?

It's too small!

You put all your junk
in the garage.

I'll be back.

I'll be right here
if you need me.

Mr. Pickles loves
to make new friends.

You know, if you're going
to advertise a tea party,

you might wanna serve tea.

It's imaginary tea, silly.

Yes. Clearly,
I'm the silly one.

So...

is your daddy
still in the picture,

or is it a -mommy deal?

'Cause that's the vibe
I'm gettin'.

Oh, good. I'm so glad
you're here.

Yeah. We forgot
to exchange numbers

so we could get together
for lunch.

No, no. Listen,
listen, listen.

I'm gonna talk
to your boss,

and if she doesn't
take you back, then...

I work for a big
real-estate company,

and they're always
looking for people.

Are you serious?

Yeah. I wanna make
this right.

What happened?

I got fired,
but this lady says

that she can get me a job
at a real-estate company.

This is my husband.

Ah, the famous Roberto.

Roberto?!

How does she know
about Roberto?!

Oh, my God.

I needed somebody
to pick up the girls.

I told you, I don't
want you talkin' to him.

So what am I supposed
to do?

You're never around!

Is the baby Roberto's?
Just tell me.

I don't know!

Well, when I find Roberto,

we'll see how he likes talkin'
to a baseball bat.

Hector!

Doug. Doug, please.

Tell my wife
what happened

when you let
your father-in-law move in.

Ah. I truly believe
I was sent here for a reason.

So you put him
up to this!

This isn't any
of your business!

Miyoshi, come on.

Look, I understand
you're upset,

I'm just sayin', I think
there are other alternatives.

Like what?
Putting him on the street?

No.
Nobody's saying "street. "

I mean
there are facilities.

He's my father.

Trust me, Miyoshi. I know
a little something about this.

Oh, you know? All you know
is how to eat cake.

Oh, see, here come
the fat jokes,

right on schedule.

Well, it's true.

Oh, you know what?

Maybe I go to eat food
because it makes me feel good.

God forbid
I get that from you.

I'm just gonna wait
in my truck.

You know
what's funny?

They put Parmesan cheese
in a little packet.

Red pepper
in a little packet.

And when you think
about it,

ravioli's just like meat
in a little packet.

You know?

Hello?

Oh.

Did you hear
what I just said?

N- Yeah, yeah.

I- I'm sorry.

No.

I was talkin'
about the food.

Oh. Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.

I'm just feeling kind of badly
about kicking Arthur out.

I mean
he's really very sweet.

He flipped us off.

Yeah,

but the only reason
he kept that finger up so long

is because
of the arthritis.

Holly!

One second.

Here.

Death is a natural part
of life,

and your daughter had
a right to know that!

So who's up
for some Jenga?

All right, that's it.
This whole night is ridiculous.

We can work
something out, Owen.

No. This is how
it's gonna be:

Either he's goin',
or I'm goin'.

Oh, really.

Well, let me
tell you something, Omar.

Do you really think she's gonna
choose some washed-up pretty boy

over someone who's been
her friend, her mentor, her-

Who eats rice cakes
in a church?

Oh! Back again?

Carrie, I'm gonna have
to start charging you rent.

Oh, that's funny.

You should be a comedian

because the priest thing,
not workin' out for ya.

Uh, Carrie,
I'm sensing-

Yeah, bup-bup-bup-bup!

Okay, so far,

your little quotes
and your advice

has lost a woman her job,

a man named Roberto
may be dead,

and I will never, ever,
ever enjoy this iPod.

So, what are you gonna do
with it?

I'm just saying that iPod

seems to be the root
of all your problems.

In fact, I believe
St. Augustine-

Oh, just take it!

Bless you.

I'm just gonna sit here
and wait for AAA.

Ooh, yeah, about that. Um...

I got a wedding scheduled,
gotta start setting up,

so...

So I sent this poor
old man out into a blizzard

all because
I was blinded by-

By carnal lust.

What should I do
as my penance?

Father?