08x01 - Pole Lox

[bunniefuu]

- That was sweet.
- Yeah.

Why don't you go put on a skirt,
'cause you are my bitch.

I just b*at you
straight games.

You might've won games, but,
uh, I had more total points.

I don't think that's possible.

You lost.
Take it like a man.

Sweet Mary.

Should I wait for you,
should I go home?

What?

Wh-what's the deal?

Oh, it's a pole-dancing class.

They got them
all over the place now.

Wow.

Glad I wore my baggy shorts.

Some wild stuff, huh?

See the one in the middle?

That's my wife.

She's good.
She's limber.

Yeah. She's been doing it
a couple of months.

It's a great workout.

And I'm not gonna lie to you.

It's been a nice addition to the
bedroom, know what I'm saying?

What?

Your wife pole-dances for you
in your home, in your bedroom?

Yeah.

Deac, his wife pole-dances
for him in his bedroom.

Did you know that kind of thing
was going on in the world?

Uh-huh.

Why, you think you want
Carrie to do that for you?

Actually, I was thinking I
want his wife to do it for me.

But Carrie would be good, too.

You think you're gonna
suggest it to her?

I can't do that.

If she didn't want
to dress up as batgirl,

she ain't gonna want
to do this.

I don't know, man.
It's supposed to be a lot of fun.

She might go for it.

Why, you think you could
bring this thing up to Kelly?

I guess so.
It never occurred to me.

We got plenty going on
in the bedroom as it is.

Ever get tired of being
a racial stereotype?

No.

Do you?

And then I got the dragon in
Atlantic city a couple years ago.

It's nice.

It looks like he's pretty
mad at Yosemite Sam.

What about you, Carrie,
you have any tats?

Tattoos? No.

I have a job, so...

Hey, it's really great
you guys had us over like this.

I'm glad you chased us down
in the parking lot, Doug.

I just had an instinct,
you know?

What else you guys into?

I know you work out 'cause I
met you at the gym. I mean...

Yeah, I do weights,
like, or times a week--

Excellent!

How about you Anna Maria?
What do you do there?

Um, treadmill.

Oh. And?

Stairmaster sometimes.

Actually, I've been doing
a lot more--

Anything else?
Anything else you do there?

Well, I've been taking
that pole-dancing class.

That's crazy.
Pole-dancing.

Crazy what these chicks are into
nowadays. I'll tell you what, Ed.

Why don't we let the ladies
talk about that for a while.

We'll go get another
beer in the kitchen?

OK.

I also take spinning
on Tuesdays.

They just got some new equip--

Pole-dancing!

Bye, thank you.

Bye, guys.
See ya.

Huh?
Our new go-to couple.

Mm-hmm.

- What were you thinking?
- What?

Did you actually think
you can trick me

into taking
a pole-dancing-duh--

Dat girl pole-dances.

Me wanna pole-dance, too.

I wasn't trying to trick you.

I just thought it was
a way to suggest it.

I figured if I brought it
up myself, you'd get mad.

Yeah.
I'm mad now.

Mad 'cause I had to
make steak for idiots.

Why don't you have
an open mind?

A lot of women
are pole-dancing nowadays.

It's a whole thing,
and we're missing it.

No. I'm not missing it.
You're missing it.

I'm OK not gyrating around
like a -dollar whore.

- Try it once.
- Ohh.

Come on!

Doug, I am not pole-dancing
for you in our bedroom.

This is so typical of you, too.

As soon as the lights
go out upstairs,

you're only looking
out for yourself.

This wouldn't be just for me.
It would be for us.

Let me show you
something here. OK?

What's all that?

Just some free information
I got at the pole-dancing class.

OK, look. All these women
talk about how at first

they were skeptical,
but after they tried it,

they felt more sexual,
more empowered.

Here, look at the Spanish lady
holding the briefcase.

Yo soy "empowermente".

Not interested.

At least take a look
at the video.

They gave you a video?

They didn't give it to me.
It was . .

You know what, Doug?

Your pole-dancing fantasy
is not gonna happen, OK?

So just give it up.

Well, we're already
on the mailing list.

What the hell is
Katie Couric up to now?

Hey, dad.

Didn't hear you back there.

Oh, it's a tape.
What is it?

Uh, just an instructional
video from a class I may take.

Well, I'm late for work.

Love ya.
Bye-bye.

"Pole cats.
The erotic art of pole-dancing."

Oh, dear god.

Come on.
When's it getting here?

Sit down, will ya?

Looking out the window is not gonna
make the pole get here any faster.

It's almost : .

Express mail guaranteed
delivery before : .

Express mail?
Why didn't you use us?

Us? We suck.

I can't believe
Carrie went for it.

She doesn't seem like
the pleasing you type.

She didn't want
to do it at first,

but after she tried it for a couple
of weeks, she really loves it.

She says it gets her in touch
with her inner whore. It's nice.

And the rich get richer.

Oh, man, I want
this thing to come quick.

You know,
I am ready for my first dance.

You know what I'm saying?
Ready.

Uh-huh.

Hey, check this out.

Look what she made for me.
Coupons.

"Good for one free pole
dance from Misty Heffernan."

Don't you guys have an aunt
named Misty Heffernan?

Yeah.
She just had hip surgery.

Good lady.

Guess who's here.
The pole fairy.

Someone just bought himself
a new nickname.

Come on, guys, give me a hand.

Hey, Arthur.
I'm gonna make a sandwich.

- You want one?
- Nope.

You sure?

A man who turns his own
daughter into an exotic dancer

does not deserve to eat.

They've got fresh corned beef.

No!

Well, there it goes.

A -foot arrow
through my heart.

What are you even
talking about?

Damn it, man,
don't you understand?

When a child doesn't get
enough love and affection

from her own father,

she seeks it from strange men.

That's why Carrie's doing this.

Because I spent her childhood
chasing after the almighty dollar.

How'd that work out for you?

Look, Arthur, you're getting
worked up over nothing.

She's just gonna
dance for Doug.

Oh, sure, that's how it starts.

Then it's peep shows,
strip joints,

and before long, she's at the
port authority in hot pants,

beckoning drunken marines into
the back of an abandoned bus.

What's that?
Pumpernickel?

Cut me off half.

Doug.

Yeah?

Misty is ready.

Don't forget the coupon.

Misty?

I'm in the bathroom.

Turn on the music and
settle in, big boy.

Yeah.

The pelican brief,
by John Grisham.

The CD!
Not the tape!

Hey. So...

How was opening night?

Oh. The pole-dancing.

It was good.
It was good.

All right.

So, you...

It was hot?

Sizzlin'.

Ohh.

She, uh...

She really...

Really...

Shouldn't be pole-dancing.

Oh, really?
That's too bad.

No good?

No.

Aww.

She tried, god bless her.

You know, I mean, she was
doing everything they taught her

and going through the moves.

I definitely got a sense of
what it was supposed to be.

Makes you really
appreciate the pros, huh?

Oh, you said it, brother.

All right,
so it didn't work out.

Just get rid of the pole
and move on.

I can't. I'm the one
who got her into it,

and now she's hooked.

She's thinking of making
it an every-night thing,

and she's even talking
about putting in a spotlight.

I gotta tell you, Deac,

you were smart for not
getting Kelly involved.

Uh, yeah. Ahem.

What?

It's just...

After that day at the gym,
I actually did

kind of suggest it to Kelly, and
she's been doing it since then.

Really?

How is she?

She's pretty damn good.

Good morning.

Hey.
Honey.

So last night was...

OK?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Uh-huh.

And you were right.

Yo soy "empowermente".

Oh, and by the way,
before I forget,

I got another coupon for you.

Oh, that's OK.
I really have some--

- Take it.
- OK, OK, yeah, yeah. I'll take it.

OK, uh, we gotta get going.

- Deac, come on.
- Yeah, yeah. Bye, Carrie.

All right, bye, you guys.

- Bye, Deac.
- See you later.

Darling, I realize
I haven't been giving you

the time and attention
you deserve.

Are you free
this Saturday afternoon?

- Um--
- For the love of god, just say yes!

Yes.

It's gonna be all right.

Daddy's here.

Make it stop!

Hey, what are you
still doing here?

Your shift was over
hours ago.

Yeah, I know.
Just cleaning out the old locker.

You know my motto.

A messy locker's
the devil's playground.

I thought your motto was
"eat through the pain".

Guy can't have two mottoes?

Listen to me, player.

Go home.

I can't.

She's there limbering up as we speak.

I can't sit in that chair again.

You can't live like this, man.

Deac, she gave me
more coupons.

, damn it!
coupons!

I used to-I used to
love pole-dancing.

I used to love coupons.

I got an Arby's coupon in my
wallet for the last weeks.

I can't even look at it!

It's time now.

Nothing's worked, Spence.

I've showered her with fatherly
affection for entire weeks,

but still she goes
back up there every night

and gets her freak on
for fatty.

So, where do you
wanna get dinner?

Oh, can I talk you
into Ethiopian?

Not in the mood
for gazelle, thank you.

Hey, look!

- That gives me an idea.
- What?

I'll get one of the strippers
to come home

and tell Carrie what life
on the pole is really like,

every depraved
and pathetic detail.

She'll be scared straight.
What do you think?

Sounds pretty stupid.

Come on.

Doesn't look clean in there.

Please be asleep.

Doug.

Yeah.

You're late.

Not late enough.

Welcome to the champagne room.

Come in.

Why'd you turn it off?

I don't know.
I thought we'd, uh,

change it up a little tonight.

Oh, yeah? OK, how about
some different music?

How about a little
hot for teacher?

Heh heh heh.

That's all right. Uh...

I thought maybe, you know, maybe
I'd do something for you, you know.

You want a massage?
How about a sexy massage?

Oh. Yeah.
I would love that.

All right.

Heh heh heh.

There we go.

All right.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, it is, right?

So relaxing I could
just fall asleep.

Just go ahead then
there, Misty.

Mm-mmm. Misty doesn't
want to sleep.

She has a new dance
for her man tonight.

That's OK. Sleep.

Sleep, Misty.

Mm-mmm.

First, a dance.

- No, you sleep. Sleep.
- Doug, get off!

OK.

Just thought Misty
could use a little sleep.

I know, but there'll be
enough time for that later.

Stop it!

What? Why'd you turn
the music off, baby?

It was either that
or dive out the window.

Carrie...

Carrie, you're horrible at this.

What, you think I'm
horrible at this?

No, no.
You're not horrible.

That's a little unfair.
But you're...

No, you are.
You're horrible.

What, so for the last weeks,

you've just been
pretending to like it?

Kind of, yeah.

I can't believe this.

Carrie, so what?

This stupid pole thing
didn't work out. Who cares?

I still think you're the
sexiest woman I've ever known.

I mean, we have each other,

and that's the only
damn thing that matters.

- Ohh!
- You're an ass.

This was your idea in the
first place, you know.

And now you're telling me
that I suck at it?

I mean, do you know
how humiliating this is?

I know. We've both gone
through hell these past weeks.

And you know what, Doug?

You really don't know
what you're talking about,

because my instructor said I am
very, very talented at this.

Yeah.
That's 'cause you're paying her.

No, no. I'm doing the moves
exactly like she taught us.

OK, you might be doing them
right technically, but you--

You're just not...

Not what?

Look, you...

You're not feeling it, OK?

You're not living it.

Like that spin-kick move
you do...

- Yeah.
- You...

Let me just show you.

You need to become one
with the pole, you know?

Just feel it.
Just feel it. Just have fun.

'Cause you gotta feel it.
Feel it every time.

You gotta become one--
And just enjoy it.

Enjoy who you are,
you know what I'm saying?

Uh-huh.

Oh, and that upside-down move
you do when you get up there,

you're here.

You gotta be here like this.

And when you slide down,
you're an angel.

When you're coming down,
you're an angel.

I'm an angel, OK?

And this--
And this here.

OK?

Just feel it.

Let it-feel it.

Work it...

And become it.

Carrie.

We should probably shut the door.
Your father.

No.
My dad's not home.

I still haven't had dinner.

Shut up and get more singles.

Nice to spend time together, huh?

I'm not gonna stop
pole-dancing, Arthur.

Fine!
Throw your life away!