08x02 - Vocal Discord

[bunniefuu]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr. Dugan.

Yeah, I have it on my computer.
I'll go pull it up.

Hold on one second.

Uh, honey?
This is my boss.

Can you finish folding the
laundry for me? Thanks.

Oh, my god.

OK, sure.
No problem, Mr. Dugan.

OK, all right.

I'll see you Monday.

OK, bye-bye.

You done already?

Yeah, it's what I do.

Memo to all
Dugan group employees:

As of the first of November,

all leases must be filed
under the tenants--

Darling, I got big news.

Dad, you can't talk
while I'm working.

And yet another one of my basic
human rights bites the dust.

You just can't talk
while I'm doing this.

OK, it's this
new software I got.

It types everything
that you say. Here.

Say something.

Testing. , , .

It wrote it.

It wrote, "It wrote it".

Yes, it did.

- It wrote, "Yes, it did".
- OK, easy now.

One more.

- Bosoms.
- OK. End program. Off.

All right, dad. It says
up here on my work memo

that you have some big news.

Yes, we're putting on a theater
night at the senior center,

and I was able
to pull some strings

and get you and Douglas
some seats right up front.

Hmm.

You know, you never went to any
of my plays when I was a kid.

Well, darling, I was a
little busy supporting you.

And now I'm a little
busy supporting you.

So, what's the difference?

The difference is I have talent,

and shame on you
for making me say it.

Program on.

All employees--

Hey, Tony threw
in free garlic knots.

I ate in the car.

I am starving.
Wanna get the plates?

Plates?
No, you eat right out of the tin.

It's better.

You know,
and then in the home stretch,

you fold it into a funnel,
and you drink the sauce.

It's good.

Is this all the bags?

Yeah, what's the matter?

- Um, my dinner's not in here.
- What?

Yeah. Look, no eggplant
parm, no salad.

You're kidding me.

That blows.

Yeah, I have no dinner,
and that does blow, so...

You want the last garlic knot?

No.
I want you to get my food.

Fine.

Oh, I'm sorry, Doug.
Forgive me for having to eat.

I just said I would go.

No, I know, but this
is so typical of you.

What?

You don't give a crap
about anybody but yourself.

Oh, please.
What about last week?

You forgot my cheesecake
from the cheesecake factory.

OK? So why don't you take a little
bus ride back to shuttytown?

I would, but you
probably ate my ticket.

Ah, that's--
That's funny,

'cause I eat everything.

Well, you know what, right now,
I'm eating my dinner.

Yeah, mmm, and it's so good.

Mmm. Very good.

- Oh, yeah?
- I love it.

- How's it now, chunky?
- Hey, hey!

Piney-fresh, mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Aah!

You can't stop me.

Hey, I want to talk
to you about last night.

Please, not the fruit loops.

No.

I'm not mad anymore.

Look at this.

Oh, what is this?

Well, my computer was on,

and that new program
transcribed our entire fight,

all two hours of it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

When did I say, "bosoms"?

No, no, no.

The fight starts here,
and I gotta tell ya,

there's some pretty
rough stuff here.

Hmm. Where?

Ah, OK, like--
like here,

where I said, "Didn't you
notice the bag was too light?"

And you said,
"You have no friends."

Yeah, but then you said,

"At least I'm not
a massive failure",

so you really answered the bell.

Doug, come on, this isn't funny.
I mean, look.

Here's where we thr*aten to
run each over with our cars.

And now we're having
fruit loops together.

It's a storybook ending.
Come here, baby.

No, Doug!
Come on!

Come on. You're making a
big deal out of nothing.

It was one bad fight.

No, actually, it's--

It's like this all the time now.

I tell you what, leave the
computer on. Let it record us.

You'll see that this fight--
It was a fluke.

No, Doug, if the computer's on,
then we'll be on our best behavior.

Carrie is an ass!

Oh, yeah? Well, you can
say whatever you want,

because you are still
an inconsiderate--

Yeah, but you're an ass!

- ...selfish...
- You're an ass! Ass, ass, ass!

- Carrie's an ass!
- Stupid, stupid!

OK, all that's missing
is g*nf*re.

I gotta tell ya, I'm a little
worried about where we're headed,

and if we don't do
something about this, I mean,

maybe we can use some
professional help.

You mean--
You mean like therapy?

Yeah. We are talking about
saving our marriage here.

I know, it's just--

I don't want to throw money
down a rathole.

Hey, you know our
new neighbor Glenn

who just moved
across the street?

He's a marriage counselor.

I'm going to take marriage advice
from a guy who jogs in jeans.

No, that's not Glenn.

I don't get it, man.

I walk up a flight of stairs
in jeans, my legs are all raw.

OK, let's focus,
let's focus, OK?

What do we do?
Do we ask this guy for help?

I mean, then we
gotta pay him then.

No, no. We'll just invite
him over for, like, you know,

"Welcome to the
neighborhood" type thing,

and then we just pick
his brain a little bit.

- OK.
- Yeah?

- Thank you, honey.
- Right.

What do you want
to do for dinner?

Um, you wanna get take-out?

Hmm.
That's a powder keg.

We'll be doing
a scene from The Gin Game,

and whoever wins
the part of Fonsia

should be prepared for the most
physically and emotionally grueling

days of your life.

Now, Minna, how married
are you to the oxygen t*nk?

Well, I really
need it to breathe.

Looks like we
have ourselves a diva.

Arthur, we've been standing
for an awfully long time.

Is it possible that we could
take a seat for a moment?

Oh, you know
where they have seats?

At the unemployment office.

Hit the bricks!

Arthur, you know,
I played Fonsia

at the Fresh Meadows
community playhouse.

Oh, Fresh Meadows.

I don't have time to break
you of your bad habits!

Get out!

Now, you do understand,
there may be some tasteful,

but full-frontal nudity.

That's my Fonsia.

So, when we saw your
garbage cans knocked over,

we just knew we had
to do something.

Yeah, so I just
rushed over there

and started cleaning up
the trash,

and what pops out
of one of the cans?

A raccoon.

And this one,
terrified of raccoons.

You know, it's the people hands,
they freak me out.

They really do.

Well, I'm new on the block,

and I really appreciate
you looking out for me.

Oh, that's what
neighbors are for,

to help each other out.
For free.

Besides, we were
up anyway having one

of our vicious marital fights.

Oh, yeah. We've been known to
lace up the heinie-kicking boots.

Heh heh.

Oh, you know, I happen to be a
marriage and family therapist.

Shut up.

No, really.
It's true.

Look, I don't know
what you are,

but you certainly do fill
out a pair of jogging jeans.

It's not him.

Listen, if you ever need a
little informal advice,

I'd be happy to
help you out--

That'd be great.
Just read over this.

Yeah, when you're
done with that,

there's more over there.
We're gonna put some coffee on.

Pretty bad, huh?

Uh-huh.

But you've seen worse, right?

Not much worse, no.

Look, look, look.

The thing is, we don't want
to be like this anymore.

Can you help us?

What you have to understand is

fighting is a part
of any relationship,

but you must do it
in a healthy way.

Now, I'm gonna give
you some strategies

so you can contain the conflict,
erect some firewalls--

Erect.

You're right.
He's a--

- OK, shut up, idiot.
- You shut up.

This is good.

Let's work with this.

Doug, how did it make you feel when
Carrie just called you an idiot?

Mad.

Oh...

And sad.

We call words
like that "escalators",

because they take the
conflict to another level.

Oh, like going on an escalator.

Very good, Doug.
Very good.

Yeah.

Left unchecked, these words
can turn a simple disagreement

into a hurtful, even
a violent encounter,

like you two had
about the ketchup

last Wednesday
and this morning.

She knows I don't
like the upside-down top.

OK.

Upside-down jelly you
have no problem with,

but ketchup, you go ballistic.

OK, 'cause the water
collects at the top,

and the fact that you don't know
that just shows how stupid you are.

I had a little money,
but with the hospital bills

and trying to look after myself,

plus I still had that
little house on Ash Street--

Stop! Stop! Stop!
This isn't working.

Oh... what's wrong?

Your performance.
It's all surface.

I don't believe a word of it.

Yeah, well, I'm trying.

I- I-I just don't know
what you want from me.

I want truth!

Fonsia's in pain,
and you've got to show that.

But how?

We need a sense memory.

OK.

Tell me your most painful
childhood experience.

I'd rather not.

If you're not willing
to do the work,

I'll play both parts in a
gender-bending tour de force!

All right, all right.
Um...

It was my fifth birthday,

and my mother said she
was having a party for me.

So I brought all my
friends home from school,

but when we walked in the door,
there was mother,

stinking drunk and
passed out on the couch.

There was no party, no cake,
oh, I wanted to die!

And I never, never
celebrated my birthday again.

What else you got?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you make your list?

What list?

Of escalator words.

Gotcha!
Got it right here.

All right, let me get mine.

- OK.
- All right.

Let's save us a marriage.

Yeah.

Hey, where's Glenn to see that?

OK, you mind if I start?

- Fire away.
- All right.

Now, I know it's the
heat-of-the-moment thing

and you really don't mean it,

but I'm going to have to
get the ball rolling with...

Slut.

What? I've never
called you slut.

Oh, no?
OK. Here you go.

I highlighted them for you.

Here, here, here,
here, and here.

Actually, that one's
supposed to be skank,

but you know what?
They're both gone.

OK, good.
All right.

All right.

- What do you got?
- OK, here's my first word.

Fat.

Fat.

In all its forms.
Fatty, fat guy, fat sajak.

Wow.

What's the matter?

Nothing. It's just
that you're really

chopping me off
at the knees here.

You know, keep fat,
that's fine,

'cause I can slip a slut
right back in a holster.

All right, all right, fine, fine.
It's gone.

It's gone.

OK, what else you got?

All right. Dumb-ass,
dumb-as-ass, grandma.

Package donkey, elasto pants,
beaver teeth.

She-beast, Dracula,
h*tler junior.

Blob, the blob, blob barker,

blobba the hut,
and rub-a-dub-chub.

Why don't we
just exchange lists?

- Oh, OK.
- OK?

I feel really good about this.

- Me, too.
- Yeah.

Oh, wow, I gotta get going.

What?
Where're you going?

I told the guys I'd
watch the met game

with them down at Cooper's.

I already started dinner.

I left you a message
on your cell phone.

And you know I never check
my cell phone messages.

Well, whose fault is that?

Doug, again.
Already started dinner.

Whoa, are we about to
have a fight here?

Yes, I think so.

OK, now what did
Glenn say if we're--

If we're gonna
have a disagreement,

we're supposed to write
it down on an index card

and then pin it to the board.

That's right,
and then in hours,

if it's still a problem,
we revisit the issue

from a less emotionally
charged place.

There you go.
I got the cards.

I'm gonna get the pin.

OK.

Blowing... off... dinner.

There we go.

Gimme the pin.

- Perfect.
- OK.

There we go.

All right.
Good for us, huh?

- Yeah.
- All right.

I'll see ya.

No, Betty, it's not you.

We need a new play. The Gin Game
is just not clicking.

I was thinking we try
The Elephant Man.

How do you feel about working
with a sack over your head?

See, I don't know what
she's so upset about.

As far as I'm concerned,
your system's working great.

Yeah, it's working
great for you

because you're doing all
the bad stuff, you idiot.

Carrie.

Well, I'm sorry, but it's only been
a week and look at all of these!

Uh, broke Carrie's iPod,

drunk at Carrie's office party,
left Arthur in bathtub.

This one just says "fire".
I don't even know what that means!

Hey, if she's still
mad about something,

it's her job to bring it
up the next day, not mine.

Yes, but by then, he's
done more stupid things.

I can't keep up.

Oh, you've done plenty
of stuff yourself.

Let's see what you've got here.

Uh, oh, here we go.

Here's one right here, huh?

"Bought wrong frosting."

Guilty!

Yeah. I got a grown woman on my hands

who doesn't know the
difference between chocolate

and chocolate fudge!

Well, if you hated it so much,

why don't you explain to Glenn how
you cut your tongue on the can?!

Guys, guys!

She's not following the rules.

Oh, stop sucking up to him,
you fudge-eating moron.

Ooh.

Escalator words.
Those are escalator words.

Is that an escalator word?

Oh, really, oh, I'm sorry, fat sajak.

You fat, beaver-toothed,
package donkey!

Oh, yeah, well,
I got words for you:

Bo and tox!

.

Hello.

Hi.

Could you give this transcript
back to Doug and Carrie?

I don't want it
in my house anymore.

Oh, who's there?

Othello.

Aye, Desdemona.

Oh, will you come
to my bed, my lord?

Have you prayed
tonight, Desdemona?

Aye, my lord.

It is too late.

Oh.

Oh, great. We're late.
It's already started.

I told you to take
Queens Boulevard.

I'm a driver, remember?

Yes. I'm reminded every
time I see your paycheck.

A little help.

Oh...

She's all right.

OK, next up, we have Arthur
Spooner and Betty Horowitz

doing a scene entitled
The Lovers...

Question mark?

Tony threw in
free garlic knots.

I ate in the car.

Is that all the bags?

Yeah.
What's the matter?

Well, my dinner's not here.

What?!

See? No eggplant parm,
no salad.

Are you kidding me?
That blows!

Yeah.

Did we see this play?

No, stupid, it's not a play.
It's us.

He must have the transcripts.

You know, it'd be nice

if you gave a crap about someone
besides yourself just once!

Oh, please!
How about last week?

You forgot my cheesecake
from the cheesecake factory!

How about you take a little
bus ride back to shuttytown?

OK, he's going right from
here to the nursing home.

Done, and we're not even gonna take
him to dairy queen like we promised.

Hey, don't punish me.

Well, how does it
taste now, chunky?

Piney-fresh, just like
Christmas dinner!

I can't believe
you sprayed my food.

I can't believe you ate it.

You liked it?
Well, try this.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Oh, yeah! There!

Look, I'm sorry about
everything, all right?

Me, too.

Oh, yeah?

I wish I had a shovel right
now so I could dig your grave!

Hey, why don't you use the
one you eat ice cream with?

Oh, that's clever.

Here's a thought...

Puhhht!

We have nothing to fear
but fear itself.

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.

Bosoms.

Ha!