08x05 - Sandwiched Out

[bunniefuu]

Carrie, I need you!

I'm working, dad!

My fish sticks are burning.

So take them out of the oven.

You said I wasn't
allowed near the oven.

Make up your mind, mussolini!

It's OK, dad.

Where do you hide
the oven mitts?

I hide them on a hook
over the oven.

All I see are pink puppets.

Those are the oven mitts!

They're both lefties!

Have you been sitting there
this whole time?

Uh, yeah.

Could you go in there and
please take care of this?

Hey!

Hey, hey!
Those are mine!

It's all taken care of.

Thanks, baby.

Hey, Arthur.

Ah, you're just in time to join
me in a bowl of fiber , .

This stuff really shows
your colon who's boss.

Um, not sure
women have colons.

You don't know
what you're missing.

Listen, Arthur,

I need to talk to you
about something,

I'm afraid I'm not
going to be able

- to walk you anymore.
- What?

I met a guy and he wants me
to move to Manhattan.

And so the dollar
dance begins.

Let's skip the fairy tale
and get to the real story.

You want a raise.

No, no, no.
I'm quitting,

and I was kind of hoping
you'd give me your blessing.

- Hi, Carr.
- Oh, hey.

Darling, you're just in time.
Holly has some "big news."

She's "moving" to "Manhattan"
with her "boyfriend."

Needless to say,
I'm "devastated."

Hmm.

What's going on?

Well, I met a guy.
I mean, he's great.

He's sweet and funny and, boy,

when the lights go out,
we just--

whoa, easy there, girl.

So, who is this guy?
How'd you meet him?

Well, um... we met.

We just met!
He's amazing!

Well, that answers that.

Yeah, and he says we're gonna
stay in a penthouse in Manhattan,

and he can afford it 'cause
he owns his own limo company.

Riiiight.

What is it?

Nothing. It's just not the
first time you've walked in here

all excited about
some amazing guy you met,

and, well, it just hasn't
worked out that way.

What do you mean?

Well, like the time you were
dating that guy who told you

he was lieutenant governor
of New Jersey.

Spike?

Yeah.

Yeah, he was probably lying.

But Carl's different,
I just know it.

And I hope so, you know,

but before you uproot
your whole life,

you know, you might
want to check out

if Carl really is
who he says he is,

you know, and that he's
really serious about you.

You're right. I mean,
what if I find out

he's just another lying creep?

Yep. Well, then
I get a call saying,

"they cut me off at O'Dooley's.
Can you drive me home?"

And we get on with our lives.

I've done that?

Couple of times.

You know something,
my dog is so upset

that Holly's not gonna
be walking him anymore,

last night, he peed
in my slippers.

Actually, that was me.

Don't leave 'em
next to the toilet.

You know I break right.

At least you're consistent.

Arthur's like
a golf course sprinkler.

Hey, yo.
Check out the menu.

Don't tell me they're
bringing back the tofu fingers

'cause I swear to god,
I will walk.

No, man. They named
a sandwich after me.

What?

"The Deacon."
That is so cool!

Let me see that.

I guess Paddy thought that combo
I came up with the other night

was good enough
to become a menu item.

Yeah, that's great.
There's only one problem.

- It's my sandwich.
- What are you talking about?

I'm the one who came up with the
idea to make a club sandwich

with ham, pastrami,
onion rings and gravy.

But I got rid of the ham
and replaced the gravy

with a dab of horseradish.

Yeah, but I invented it.

See, food to you,
it's just fuel.

To me, it's an
unexplored country.

You should come back 'cause
that country's out of bacon.

By the way, I can get your
sandwich at any Bennigan's.

Guys, we're all friends
here, all right?

Tell you what,
let's take a survey.

Spence, whose sandwich
do you think it is?

Please don't put me
in the middle.

This is just like
when my dad left.

Whatever, OK?

A real friend would make
this menu thing right,

and I guess you're
not a real friend.

You know, shame on you.

Why are you being
such a baby about this?

You're a baby 'cause
babies are always grabbing

what's not theirs.
That's classic baby!

So you guys ready to order?

Yeah, yeah, I'll have a "me."

One Deacon.

Make it two.

Make it three.

Watch your back, little man.

Three Deacons.
And for you?

You know what,

I seem to have
lost my appetite.

I'll just have a burger,
OK, with curly fries.

Don't do the steak fries,
last time they--

just bring the curly fries.

Excuse me, did I just hear
you created the Deacon?

Yes.
Yes, I did.

I just had one.
I loved it!

Thanks, man.

Hate to impose,
but would you sign my menu?

Oh, sure.

Could you make it
out to Roger?

Thanks so much.

"To Roger, keep on dreamin'."

That's original.

"Deacon Palmer."

I talked with Carl.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

It's better you find out now, though.

We're engaged!

What?!

Well, I did what you said.

I told him I needed to know
if he was serious,

and, boom, right then
and there, he proposed.

And look what he bought me!

Isn't it beautiful?

Holly, Holly...

When do we learn?

What's the matter?

It was too easy.

You say one word,
and the guy proposes,

and he just happens to have

a big, diamond ring
to give you?

You don't think it's real?

Baby, it's comically big.

But Carl said--

Carl's gonna say what
you want to hear, Kitty Kat.

You want to know the truth
about your little ring,

you go to a professional.

It's flawless!

Really?

Really?!

Simply stunning.

Most diamonds have
a yellow tinge,

small inclusions,
and tiny black spots.

But this?
Superb!

And the cut, see how
it dances in the light?

OK, settle down, you.

Hesh!
Heshy, come look at this!

All right, well, I
guess we can go now.

Heshy hasn't see it yet.

I'm just saying can't
we call this "the Doug"?

It already has a name.
It's a taco.

No, it's taco topped with relish
and crumbled up saltines.

Hmm?

Come on, man, I got customers.

How about this, OK?

You change hot dog
into a "Hot Doug"?

You just grab
the "u" from soup.

No one's ordering that anyway,
I got to tell you.

Who's next?

Do not ignore me, Manny!

I built this roach coach,
and I can take her down.

Hey! Did you put me on the
sign-up sheet to work Saturday?

Well, I know you like to put
your name on everything,

so I did you a favor.

You know it's my kid's
tenth birthday.

Good, then he's old enough to
know his dad's a glory hound.

- You're pathetic.
- I'm pathetic?

Manny's naming an egg salad
sandwich after me.

Play ball with me, damn it.

So what you're
telling me, Peter,

is that you'll walk me
for $ . less

than what my previous
walker charged,

plus complimentary sunscreen?

Hey, Arthur.

Ooh, how awkward!

I was just interviewing
your potential replacement.

Oh, great.
Great.

I just stopped by to
invite you to my thing

I'm having tomorrow
night at Cooper's.

Oh, yes, your elaborate ruse.

I mean, your going-away party.

Yes, yes, I'll be there.

Now if you'll excuse me,
Peter wanted to hear

all about my decades-long
pen-pal relationship

with Mr. Neil Sedaka.

Holly, is that you?

Yeah.

I'm in here.
I just googled your boyfriend!

- Can I leave now?
- Not yet!

OK.

See, I put in Carl's
social security number

and his whole life,
right here.

How did you get
his social security number?

Excuse me, who's on
trial here, him or me?

So what did you find out?

Well, take a little look-see.

And it ain't pretty.

All it says here is that he's got a
couple of outstanding parking tickets.

Yeah, exactly, Holly.

The guy thinks he can park
his car anywhere he wants.

What else is he parking
anywhere he wants?

You know what I'm saying?

Well, didn't you tell me
that Doug gets a lot of tickets?

Yes, but he's just an idiot.

OK, well, yeah,
thanks for checking.

Again, just making sure
you don't get hurt.

Yeah, again, thanks.

Oh, do you know Carl's
mother's maiden name?

No.

It's OK, baby.
I'll get it.

Let me ask you a question.

You work for a lawyer, right?

I used to work for a lawyer,

but for the last
year and a half,

I've worked
for a real estate firm.

Close enough.

I want to file a lawsuit
or an injunction.

I'll let you handle
the mumbo-jumbo.

The point is,
I want Deacon behind bars.

What are you talking about?

I invented a sandwich, and
he's taking credit for it.

And where I come from,
that ain't right!

You know what else
ain't right?

This crappy-ass ring
you got me.

Yeah, that's right.

Is it flawless?
Does it dance in the light?

Does it?!
Does it?!

A little.

You move it around
kind of quick there.

It's fine.
What's your problem?

I don't know.
Holly met this great guy

who bought her
this big, diamond ring,

and now they're moving to some
fancy apartment in Manhattan

that overlooks the park,
and, I don't know, it's--

it's everything
I always wanted.

You're mad at me 'cause
I can't give it to you.

No, I made peace with...

All right, cool.

I guess I'm upset
'cause it's like

who is she to be living
my dream, you know?

Exactly. And who's Deacon
to be living my dream?

It's the same thing!

Excuse me, my dream is to
have a decent quality of life,

your dream is
to be a sandwich.

Yeah.

Doug, the point--
you know what,

I don't even have the energy
to argue with you.

Just tell me what you want
to wear to Holly's party.

I'll make sure it's clean.

Oh, I'm not going to any party

where that man is going to be.

Doug, look, let's just agree

we both got a raw deal here,
all right?

But Deacon and Holly,
they're our friends.

We need to go to the party
and be happy for them, OK?

Look at 'em.
"Oh, we're so in love."

I need a bucket.

I thought you wanted to be
happy for our friends.

Oh, right.

Like you're happy for Deacon?

The man stole the one
thing in your life

you had going for you.

Oh, hey, Carrie.
Great party, huh?

Yep.

You know,
I never told you this,

but I always kind of
had a thing for Holly.

I mean, I'm glad she met Carl.

He seems like
a really great guy and--

Oh, grow some nuggets, will ya?

What?

How many times did
the girl stumble

to your doorstep, blind drunk,

after walking that ugly,
little dog of yours,

and you still couldn't
close the deal?

You make me sick.

Dinner is served, y'all.

What is that?

A -foot Deacon.
You want a piece?

Oh, no, thank you.

Maybe if it had like brown gravy
on it instead of horseradish.

Wouldn't that make it
kind of soggy?

You're soggy.

What?

Walk away.

Very impressive.

Thanks.

Just one note:

Next time you might want to get
a more convincing actor

to play the part
of your fiancé.

This guy belongs on a bagel
because he's a lox.

So, I bet
the limousine business

has been very good to you, huh?

Well, it's a lot of work,
but I love it.

I bet you do.

What do you mean?

Come on, it's me.
It's late at night,

you're driving some coked-up
supermodel to the airport,

and all of a sudden she's
in the front seat with you.

"Oh, you own the company?
That's so hot."

Um, Carrie, can I talk to you
in private for a second?

Yeah, no problem.
Be right back.

Ohh!

Guy, you OK?

I tell ya, this Deacon
or whatever you call it,

it's so dry,
I can't even swallow it.

I need something to make it
more moist, yet not soggy.

How about some water?

No, that's not gonna
do anything for me.

I need something smooth like
gravy or something like--

Oh, yeah.

Now that's a sandwich.

You know what, I've
had enough of your crap.

Well, I've had
enough of yours.

- You wanna go?
- I would love to go!

- Then let's go!
- I'm going!

Come on!

Yeah, I just really want to know
why you were groping my fiancé?

I was testing him.

And keep up with the attitude,

I'm gonna stop helping you.

Helping me?
You're trying to ruin it.

Ruin it? Why would
I want to ruin it?

I don't know.
Maybe 'cause you're mad

because, you know,
I found a really great guy.

Excuse me, I have
a really great guy, too.

Look, did you ever have a
friend whose life sucked so bad

that it made you feel
better about your own?

What? No.

Well, I did, and it was you.

Oh!

Oh, I'm so sorry things
worked out for me. That's OK.

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Thank you for understanding.

You're welcome. You're
welcome. Thank you.

The car's here.
We should skedaddle.

OK, I'll be there
in a second, honey.

"Skedaddle"?

I got to tell you, my gaydar
just went boop, boop, boop.

Good luck, sweetie.

Thanks.

- Good-bye.
- Bye.

Another gin and tonic.

So your life must be
pretty crappy, huh?

All right, you win.

I'll convince Douglas
and Carrie to give you

- $ . more an hour.
- Arthur--

I'll expect you to kick a
quarter of that back to me.

Would you stop it? Why can't you
get this through your crazy head?

I'm leaving.

- Really?
- Yes.

And this is how I find out?

Sorry.

You were the best dog walker
a man could ever ask for.

Thank you, Arthur.
And of all my clients,

you were definitely
the most interesting

and the least distracted
by squirrels.

You're a terrible liar,
but a marvelous person.

You know, Carl's still inside.

I have time for one more walk.

On the house.

I'd like that.

What say I treat you
to a lemon ice at Luigi's?

That'd be great.

By the way,
did I ever tell you

how I inspired
Neil Sedaka's pop classic,

happy birthday, sweet sixteen?

Yes, but I would love
to hear it again.

Come on, gravy boat!
Whatcha got, huh?

Guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys!

Guys, I talked to Paddy,

and he agreed
on a compromise, OK?

He said he would
put back the ham

and he would use
horseradish and gravy,

and he would call it
"the Deacon/Doug."

I don't know, man.

Why is his name first?
Why is his name first?

OK, we'll call it "the double D"
and everybody's happy.

minutes, Mr. Sedaka.

Thank you.

"So I lost Holly,

"and Peter's mother has
forbidden me from contact.

"On the plus side,
the fiber , continues

"to do a Sterling job
on my nether regions.

Thanks for the tip."

Oh, Arthur, you keep me young.