08x11 - Baker's Doesn't

[bunniefuu]

oh. here's some seats
right here, honey.

slow down. i see
four down there.

you gonna sit
in the front row?

sure. i like to stretch out
my legs and unbutton a little.

you're sittin' with him?

he's got
my goobers.

why didn't we send him
in to chicken little

like i wanted?
uh...

because cartoon chickens
give my father nightmares.

where've you been?

oh, look.
it's father melley.

oh, great. we haven't been to church

in a really long
time, and now

he spots us at a
farrelly brothers movie?

doug? carrie!

oh, hey!
hey!

what a surprise! father melley!

is this seat open?

sure!
yeah!

yeah. sure. absolutely.

excuse me.
ok.

and that was
irving berlin's white christmas,

the highest-grossing
christmas song of all time.

hmm.

what?

you write one
hokey holiday song,

and you're set
for life.

actually, irving berlin
wrote over , songs.

oh, why don't you
just marry him?

what's your problem?

i got no problem.

i'm saying we should
write our own song

and cash in
on this christmas thing.

you're serious?

why not? i'll handle
the lyrics,

and you seem like the
type that can write music.

what's that
supposed to mean?

i think you know
what it means,

mr. i-just-haven't-
found-the-right-girl.

what do you got goin' on
this holiday season?

oh, well, i am up to my
eyeballs in preparations.

there's a toy drive, bake
sale, our outreach programs.

but the lord has blessed
me with congregants

who are kind and generous
enough to donate their time.

of course, with
everything bein' so busy,

we could always use
a little more help.

so if you guys...

oh, shhhhh.

so if you two'd
be willing

to pitch in,
that'd be great.

oh, hey, babe.
hey.

where you goin'?

oh, father melley
called.

i got manger duty.

what's that?

i gotta guard the nativity
scene down at the church.

apparently last year the
whole thing was vandalized,

and there was myrrh
everywhere.

i think i'm gettin' sick. feel my head.

d
- doug, come on. you are not sick, honey.

we got roped in.
suck it up.

i have to make something
for the bake sale.

you don't hear
me complaining.

ok, you get to work
indoors with cake batter,

so don't even. ok?

what rhymes
with "poinsettia"?

ooh. that's... not
an easy word to rhyme.

damn it,
i just had it.

don't speak unless
you're spoken to.

you did just speak to
me. you asked me what rhy-

i lost it again!
you are impossible!

stop yelling at me!

i can't create in a hostile environment!

well, i wouldn't be so hostile
if you had one ounce of talent!

you kick me again,
i'm leaving.

i'm sorry, son. it's just
the choir down at the mall

is supposed to debut
our song tomorrow,

and we haven't
got diddly.

believe me, i want
this as bad as you. ok?

i mean, i work
in the subway

and share a tiny apartment
with another man,

and... i really want
calf implants.

i mean...
this is my ticket.

your calves
are spindly.

ok, you know what?
let's...

back off "poinsettia,"
and-and let's focus

on a word that's
easier to rhyme,

like, uh...
"tree" or "holly."

what did you say?

um... "holly."

"holly."
now...

what sounds
christmassy

and rhymes
with "holly"?

"jolly."
you got it!

come here, you!

what's up?

yeah, laugh and walk,
boys, laugh and walk.

steppin', huh?

hey, that goes for you
guys, too. let's go.

keep it movin'. it's
the same as last year.

keep it movin'.
you saw it.

excuse me. do you
have the time?

who wants to know?

oh. sorry. i'm-
i'm larry kelly.

i'm around the corner
guarding a christmas tree.

oh.
hi.

hey. yeah.
it's about, uh...

: .
doug heffernan.

how's, uh... how's
it goin' on your b*at?

not bad. not bad. couple
of curious dogs. yeah.

collies. yeah. they tried
to give me some trouble.

i sent them packin'.

hi, sweetie. what are you doin' here?

hi. they're sayin'
it might snow,

so i brought you some
soup and your heavy jacket.

oh... thanks, honey.
that's great. this is

doug heffernan,
fellow parishioner.

doug,
my wife cathy.

nice to meet you,
doug. nice to meet you.

oh. if i'd known there
were gonna be two of you,

i would've brought some extra
minestrone and another jacket.

hmm.

that's all right. my
wife's gonna be stoppin' by

any minute, i'm sure.

yeah, i'll just give her a
call, see what she's doin'.

mmm.

hello.

hey. honey,
it's me.

hey.
how's it goin'?

oh. it's cold.

i tell you. i could
really go for some soup.

oh, that's so funny.
i just had some.

uh-huh.

you know, uh...

they're sayin' it's gonna snow tonight.

oh, really? well, try not to
track any in the house. ok?

oh, i just
messed my pinky.

i gotta go.
i gotta go.

i love you, too,
baby. yeah.

good golly!

not bad, huh?

are you deaf? that was a train wreck.

i thought
it went ok.

it's hopelessly
generic! it's pap!

yeah. we didn't blow too
many people away, huh?

course not, because
we're not saying anything

that hasn't been said
a thousand times before

by burl ives,
god rest his soul.

possibly. i have no idea
if he's dead or alive.

that's great. i gotta
go call dr. blaustein

and tell him to cancel my calf surgery.

wait, wait, wait. what did you just say?

um... calf surgery?

no, no, no.
before that.

i have to call-
in the middle.

dr. blaustein.

yes.

he a jewish fella?

yeah. why?

that's it.
what the world needs

is a new hanukkah
song.

aside from
dreidel dreidel

and that
adam sandler thing,

it's an untapped market.

oh, yeah. yeah, and, you
know, i'm / th jewish.

sweet. i'm gonna grab
a bagel and a schmear.

settle up
with the choir. go.

hey, babe.
where you goin'?

hey. i'm headin'
back to the manger.

oh. so you won't
be home for dinner?

no. why?
what are you makin'?

uh, a phone call
to shanghal gardens.

hey, uh...

hope it doesn't snow
tonight, but if it does,

you'll... you'll bring me
my heavy coat, right?

why don't you just take
it with you now, babe?

i just thought that,
you know, like...

ok, yeah. that's fine.

so, how's the, uh,
cake comin' along?

wha-what?
you know,

the cake
you told father melley

you're making
for the bake sale.

oh. right. that.

uh... i actually
haven't decided

what i'm gonna
make yet,

but whatever i decide, it gon' be good.

seriously, you should
probably settle on somethin'.

i will, honey. i have till saturday. ok?

i know. it's just that, you
know, larry's wife cathy,

she's already begun the
prep work on her cake.

oh. prep work.

oh, i better get out

my sugar
and my butter.

i only have days
to make cake.

she doesn't actually sound
like that, but whatever.

yeah, hello. order for delivery, please.

ok.

oy! what a schnorra!

thud.

i guess people love that dreidel
song more than we thought.

this is humbling.

so, what now, boss?

i don't know.
grease the choir

while i figure out
our next move.

yeah!

hey.

all right!

it's : .

the bake sale's
tomorrow...

and i'm starin' at an empty cake plate.

i need
some answers.

relax, honey.

i was gonna make one, but i had
to work late and i'm exhausted,

so, thank ya...
hungarian bakery.

you bought... a cake?

yeah. and once they scraped
off "happy retirement, gus,"

it was good to go.

oh, the new people
came. good.

nnggg...

carrie...

you can't bring a bought
cake to a church bake sale.

it-it's wrong.

says who?

uh... the bible.

look, doug,
just relax. ok?

i'm sure i'm
not the only one

who's bringing
a bought cake. ok?

well, i know
larry's wife isn't.

she's makin'
a volcano cake.

do you know
what that is?

it erupts
caramel lava

and then drowns a gingerbread village.

any chance you're
gonna be in that village?

nice joke.
that's real funny.

you know what's real
funny, though? that fact

that i actually thought you
were gonna make this cake.

what does that mean? it
means you're not wife-ish!

i'm not whitefish?

wife... ish!
wifely. wife-like.

you-you never
bring me my slippers

or tell me i'm clever
or knit me somethin'!

oh, well, i'm sorry i don't
wait on you hand and foot, doug.

that's because
i work for a living!

y
- well, so does the woman in the commercial,

and she manages to get
everything done with acid reflux!

so, why don't you
marry her,

and i'll marry the guy in the
pepsi commercial that i like.

oh, 'cause he'd never be with
you, because you know what?

he'd have to get
his own pepsi!

whatever.
you know what?

you're acting
like a lunatic.

this is the cake that i'm
bring, so just deal with it.

you know what?
you're absolutely right.

you know what? this is fine! stop! stop!

let me just cut it up
for you! hyah! hyah!

stop it.

yeah.
ok.

fantastic. i'll just
buy another one.

you know, carrie...
when i told people

you were bakin' a cake
for the church...

i actually felt proud.

guess i was
just bein' naive.

what are you doin'?

i'm baking your freakin'
cake, so get out.

really? what... what kind?

well, it's gonna be this
whole delicious fudge thing

that's gonna make cathy's
volcano look like a pile of crap.

is it in the oven?
can i see it?

actually,
i haven't started yet.

looks like you started.

i can't do it! ok?

i tried! i mean,
all these recipes

need things that i
- that i don't know how to use,

like a food processor
and big spoons!

and how do you
fold an egg?

it's impossible!
it's witchcraft!

ok. just relax. ok?

look, we'll find you somethin'
here that we can make.

all right? um... hey. how
'bout this? how 'bout rum cake?

oh, i tried that. but then i got
nervous, and i drank all the rum.

you're right, honey. i'm
not wife-ish or whitefish,

whatever it is
you called me.

all those things you said about me
- it's true.

oh, just-hey, stop.
stop, stop, stop, stop!

stop! ok?! look, you
know what? i got an idea.

we'll-we'll
just call my mom.

aw, come on! what
are you doin' to me?

look...

she'll talk us through
an easy recipe. ok?

oh, fine.
i'm too drunk to fight.

hello?

hey, ma, it's me.

oh, my god.
what's wrong?

nothing's wrong. look, i just
need your help on something.

well, all right.
what is it, darling?

well, uh, tomorrow
is our church bake sale,

and carrie
is gonna bake a cake.

oh.

anyway, um,

we were wonderin'
if you had like, uh,

an easy recipe to,
you know, give us.

let me think.
a nice, easy cake recipe.

hey, how 'bout that, uh,
chocolate crumbly thing?

no. she
can't do that.

hey, well, at least i can
match my pants and my shirt-

this may be
our last chance.

well, just get
the frickin' recipe!

all right. right. ma,
you-you got anything?

how about
a lemon bundt cake?

very easy.
a monkey could make it.

a monkey
could make it.

carrie. the cake.
huh?

it's done. it's done.
i'm up. i'm up. i'm up.

let's take
a look at it.

ok.

i love you.

i love you.

maybe it'll look
better if we put it

on the cake plate. yeah,
let's do that. let's do that.

am i dreaming
that we're giants?

nope.

are we giants?

i told you
we needed more batter!

well, you shoulda put more
baking powder in there!

you have no idea
how much a pinch is!

i know what
a pinch is!

ok?
aah! aah!

oh, you wanna go?!
no, come on!

stop! stop it!
stop it! come on!

we've been up all night! i'm hung-over.

and nobody's gonna want
to buy this stupid doll cake!

what are we gonna do?!

i don't know! this is my
first bad experience with cake!

all right, you know what? i'm
just gonna see what place is open.

we're gonna buy one. ok?

n- no! no! look,
i got an idea. ok?

we'll bring the covered
cake plate to the bake sale.

and i'll just say to
everybody, "hey, everybody,

i'm gonna buy my wife's
cake." and then we'll leave

with the same
covered cake plate,

and nobody has to
know that the cake...

never existed.

so you're ok
with an invisible cake,

but you won't let me
buy a real one.

you know what? you can
judge me when you sober up.

now, grab the lid.

oh, the lid
is made of glass!

everybody will know
there's nothing in there!

come on. that's it. it's over. no!

wait. i j-
i'll tell you what.

just grab me somethin'
cake-shaped and a can of frosting.

ok.

we don't have
any frosting.

in my nightstand! go!
ok.

observed!

i thought that went over rather well.

are you kidding?!

the only song
that bombed worse

was that's
wednesday to me.

well, we gave it
a whirl.

come on. let's sneak
in to chicken little.

what? no. arthur.

i'm not gonna go see
a movie with you. ok?

i- i've spent over $
on this choir.

my calves are
smaller than ever.

the only thing i feel
like doing right now

is reaching down your
throat, grabbing your heart,

and crushing it with my bare
hands. do you understand me?

i understand you've
written the first line

of a hit
breakup song!

come here, you!

how's it goin'?

nice
to see you.

oh.
oh, hey.

season's greetings.
season's greetings.

oh. thank you.
hey.

my wife carrie. hi. larry.

hi.
my wife cathy.

oh. hi. nice to meet you.

yeah. i've heard
so much about you

and your famous
erupting cakes.

actually, i'm
a little nervous.

it's supposed to be
bubbling by now.

and it's not? after all that prep work?

ok.

i'm just saying...

we'll catch you guys later. ok.

ok.
bye-bye.

hey. there's
father melley.

let's do this.
ok.

then i went blond in the
eighties. but who didn't?

anyway, try the punch. it's divine.

hello, you two.

carrie.
thank you so much.

oh, no problem.

wow. look at all
the great cakes here.

gosh, i wonder which
one i'm gonna choose.

i don't know. well, i guess
it's gonna be this one.

get the car.
ok.

all right.

whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

can't let you
do that.

well, why not?

we don't do the
traditional bake sale here.

we do something
much more fun.

it's called
a cake walk.

huh.

what's that?

well, uh, we put the cakes in a circle,

and the men
walk around them.

and when
the music stops,

if you're in front
of a cake, you buy it.

if you're not, you keep
goin'. it's a panic.

uh-huh.

so, do you want the lid on or off?

on. on. there's
some stuff in there

that shouldn't be
exposed to air.

all righty.

ok, everyone!
let's gather around

for the main event!

great plan.

i didn't count
on a cake walk.

sorry, man.

what happened?!

i've never seen
caramel do that.

hey... this is a chocolate
frosted couch pillow!

now!
get the car!

dad? what's the matter?

i saw chicken little.

come on.