08x15 - Buggie Nights

[bunniefuu]

Oh, leave it.

What was it?

A special on
the aztec ruins.

Unless it's
boobs or football,

I ain't slowing down.

It's actually
very fascinating.

Give it up, spence.

We're not spending
our vacation

On an archeological dig.

We have to decide
someplace to go.

How about
brokeback mountain?

Look, I have an airline
companion ticket.

It expires if I don't
use it in two weeks.

We should be using it
to go to vegas.

So I can watch you lose
our redecorating money?

No, thanks.

You know what, guys?

It's getting late
and this whole conversation

Is making me feel...
Bad inside.

So, uh, come on.

You're kicking us out?

Not physically.
That would be a hate crime.

Come on.

I thought you were
going to sleep.

Oh, yeah.
I'm just reading.

Biography of
eleanor roosevelt.

Wow. You got to float that
by me when you're done.

What are you doing?

Saying my prayers.

Doug, how many times
have I asked you

Not to eat in bed?

I'm sorry, and out of
respect for you,

I tried to hide it.

I'm serious.

Look, you got poppy seeds
all over the bed.

First of all,

There are no poppy seeds on a
doug heffernan sandwich, and...

Those are moving.

Ok...

Well, I checked
the bedroom.

Great news.

Great news
if you love bedbugs.

'Cause you got
a crapload full of them.

Bedbugs? Really?
Is that a real thing?

There's a lot of myths
about bedbugs,

But one thing's
for certain-

They're as disease-ridden
as a one-eyed whore.

I told you
not to eat in bed.

That's another myth
about bedbugs.

They're not food scavengers.
They feed off human blood.

Take a look at how engorged
that bad boy is.

Oh, my god.

Looks like the guy
that bit me last night.

Ooh,
where'd he get you?

Right in the leg.

Let's have
a little look-see.

I'm actually...
I'm good.

Scooch up those pants.

Come on, chop, chop.
There we go.

Ok...

So, how's it looking
down there?

I do not like
the look of that mole.

Ok, you know what?

How about the bug bite?
What about the bite?

Well, it's odd. It's one
of the larger strains,

Usually found in
more humid climates.

Have you guys been down
to the caribbean

Or florida recently?

No.

Your dad was.

That's right.

He stayed at that motel
in boynton beach.

Think he got it
from there?

Did he bring anything
back from the motel,

Like a towel
or a washcloth?

No, but he did bring
back a set of sheets!

Yep. And a lamp.

Bingo.
Where is he now?

I'd like to give his body
a once-over.

I'm guessing
you wouldn't.

Actually,
he's on another vacation.

So, how can we take care
of this?

Well, you call your friendly,
qualified exterminator

To kick some bedbug arse.

What's that going
to cost us?

Let's see.
Two floors, the basement.

Carry the .
Boom-boom-diddy-bop...

Uh, you're looking at
about hundred.

No, I'm looking
in the yellow pages

Under "cheaper bug guy."

Doug.

Doug, how are we going
to get rid of these bugs?

Would you let me handle it?
I'll handle it, ok?

Yeah. We're good. Thanks.

Ok, well,
good luck, folks.

Sleep tight and...

I think you know
the rest.

If we share a hotel room,

It's not going
to cost you a cent.

Look, we spend
a couple hours

On the dig in the morning,

Then after that,
it's a total party scene.

We can get
totally wasted.

Mom,
just think about it, ok?

Now can we go to vegas? No.

I want to go
to the aztec ruins.

We got to decide this
somehow.

Rock, paper, scissors.

No, you always
throw late.

that's how we ended up with
those mama's family dvds.

How about we play
trivial pursuit?

No way.
You know too many... Things.

That's like me saying,
let's wrestle for it.

Ok.

What?

Let's wrestle for it.

Fine.

Good.

I'll give you
a couple days to train.

Ok, baby, let's go.

I got to wait
for my hot pocket.

What? Honey, I just
set off the bug b*mb.

I said I was going
to do it.

How long will that take?

I got two more minutes.

In seconds, there will
be pesticide everywhere.

Why do you have to have
a hot pocket now?

I have a problem, ok?

Now's not the time
to remind me.

Just hurry up,
all right, babe?

Come on!

So, I just
got off the phone

With the republic motel

To complain that they
gave my dad bedbugs.

To apologize,

They're sending over vouchers
for one week's free stay.

Idiots...

That's like when
I found the nasal strip

In my chili
at the diner.

They gave me
two free bowls of chili.

Only difference is we're not
going to that infested motel

And you ate
all that chili.

And most of
the nasal strip.

Again,
I thought it was bacon.

Good night, baby.

Whoa. Aren't you, uh...

Forgetting something?

What?

How about a thank you

For saving us
hundred bucks

With my brilliant
bug b*mb idea?

Oh, yeah.
Thank you, baby.

Well, thank you
for rocking my world.

Doug,
I said not tonight.

What?

Stop tickling my leg.

I'm nowhere near you.

Aaahhh... Yuck!

They're back!

You and your brilliant
bug b*mb idea!

You had to cheap-out,
right?

It was your stinking dad who
brought them here in the first place.

Like your parents
are so clean?

They are.
You can eat off my parents.

Oh, my god.
Are they in my hair?

By the way, you've made your
share of stupid decisions.

I can think of one
right now.

Ohh...

So, you want to be alone?
Well, you got it, sister,

Because I ain't
sleeping here tonight.

Where are you going?

Deacon's.
Yeah, so sleep tight.

And you know the rest!

Hey, man.
What's going on?

Carrie and I are in the
middle of this whole thing,

So can I
crash on your couch?

Yeah. Well...

Tell him no.

Here's the thing.

Carrie called
and told us about...

Your problem.

Damn it!

Listen, man, I'm clean! You
got to believe me! I'm clean!

Hold on.

Let's let him stay.

I don't want him
near the kids.

He can take his clothes
off in the hallway.

You really want him
doing that?

I can't throw him
out in the street.

Look, he says he's clean.

Look.

Morning.

Morning.
Morning.

Oh, lisa, those are nice
earrings. Are they new?

Please don't touch me.

What's going on?

Did doug call you?

No.

He sent a mass e-mail.

No, frederick. We'll
wait for the next one.

What's wrong, grandma?

Come, frederick.
Now.

Keep walking, grandmama.

That's right, I got bedbugs.

Who wants some, huh?
What's up?

Hey.
Hey.

All right, he's here.
Now we can get started.

Get started with what?

I told you guys I'm not
giving you a tandem massage.

No, no, no-
we still can't decide

Where to go on vacation,

So we're wrestling
for it.

We need you to ref.

I don't know
anything about wrestling.

Call "match"
when you see

One of us
pin the other.

And make sure
there's no illegal stuff

Like low-blows
or eye-gouging,

All right?

Can I gouge
my own eyes out?

All-righty,
let's do this!

You are in for a greco-roman
pounding, my friend.

You guys
got anything to eat?

Yeah,
leftover chinese.

Second shelf,
towards the back.

Soda's in the door.

Mmm.

You know,
this mu shu's really good.

Where did you get it from?

Szechuan village.

Mmm.

I got to remember that.

Where are you guys at,
wrestling-wise?

I'm about to make my move right now.

Yeah. That's if your move
is to submit to me.

That's it. Pin!

It's my kids' bedtime.

I'll check on you guys
tomorrow.

Come on, man.
You can't go.

We need a ref.

Otherwise,
this doesn't look right.

I don't understand.

I bug-bombed
the whole house.

Bug-bombed?

That's like the worst thing
you can do.

All that stuff does
is make them horny.

I should have used
some of that on her, huh?

You can still get rid of them, right?

Oh, yeah. Don't worry.

I've got a very special
pesticide

For infestations
like this.

I can't tell you
its name,

But you can only get it
in korea.

So, it's hundred,
right?

Oh, god, no.

That was before you organized
this little love-in here.

No, uh... It's going to
be at least hundred.

Hundred?

I want you to k*ll them,

Not send them
to private school.

Ok, stop.

We will pay it,
all right?

Just get
rid of them.

How long is it going
to take?

Well, if I get started
right away

And work all night-

Uh...

I could probably have you
bug free by the morning.

So, we got to sleep
downstairs, huh?

Not unless you have
a protective bubble.

And if you're blinking
at hundred,

I'm guessing you don't.

I'll let you two pack.

Where are we going to go?

I guess we could
stay at a hotel.

What's $ more
on your bill.

I don't have to stay
in a hotel.

I don't have to stay
in a hotel, either.

So, what do you suggest?

Well,
my dad always said,

If I married you I'd
wind up sleeping in a car,

And...

So, you, uh...

You want to, uh...

Oh, my god. You're kidding me, right?

I don't know.

When this jeep's
a- rockin',

Do not come knockin'.

All right.
Good night, hon.

There's a man
staring at us.

Ooh. Good call on
the not getting naked.

Hey.

Wow.
Looks pretty roomy.

Do I know you?

Oh, sorry.
I'm phil hauser.

I live
down the street.

All right.

My daughter emily
sold you

All those girl scout cookies last year.

You bought
so many thin mints,

To whole troop was able
to go to busch gardens.

That's great.
You know-

I never got
my coconut clusters.

Well, that's not ok.

Give me your number.
I'll get back to you.

You have a pen?

Um... No, sorry.

I've got one
in the glove compartment.

Stop... Stop!

What?

You know what?

We are in our bedroom
right now, ok?

Do we come to your bedroom
talking cookies?

No, we don't.

Finish up your business,
snowflake.

We're going.

Great.

You want to know
the chances

Of me seeing
those coconut clusters?

Goose egg.

All right,
you know what?

My back is k*lling me,

People are staring at us,

We'll never
get to sleep here.

What do you want to do?

Let's just go someplace to
k*ll some time until morning.

Fine... Oh, boy.

What?

Don't panic,

But I think pete's spraying
the living room in your bra.

Look at this.

Drinking,
staying out all night-

Really takes me back to
my junior college days.

Oh, yeah?
All of them?

More than you.

Just shut up. Get me
some more peanuts, please.

Can we get
some more peanuts?

Hello!

Can't you see the man
is busy doing scratch-offs?

Here, take mine.
Thank you.

I'm mike,
and that's my wife nancy.

Oh, hey.
Doug and carrie.

You guys look like
you've had a wild night.

You should have seen us
an hour ago.

We really raised the roof
at rite-aid, right, babe?

I hope that blood pressure
machine wasn't accurate,

Because if it was
I got to make a call.

Anyway, we're
just k*lling some time.

We're getting some
work done on our house.

Oh, I hear that.

We just put a hot tub
in our backyard.

Took forever.

But it was worth it.

Oh, yeah.

Last call!
Closing time!

It was nice
meeting you guys.

Listen, no reason the
night has to end here.

What do you mean?

Why don't you guys
come

And hang out
at our place?

I'll open a bottle of wine,
get the hot tub going-

I'm just saying-

I think the four of us

Could have
a pretty good time.

I don't know.

Well, think about it.

I'm going to take care
of our tab.

Well, let's go, baby.
Come on.

Are you kidding me?

What?
Doug, they have a house.

And where I come from,
that's better than a jeep.

Carrie, I'm pretty sure
they want to swing with us.

So what?
We get in the hot tub,

And then we go-ugh-

We're too tired
to swing tonight,

And then we're in their
guest bedroom, no big deal.

It's never going to work.

Did you see the way
she was eye-balling me?

She wants this!

You know what?

I am willing to roll
the dice on that one.

Ok, let's go.

Come on.

Great.
With all your whining,

They closed the deal
with another couple now!

What are we doing here?

You know what, baby?
You're right.

I need to sleep.

I'm just
sick of you right now.

I'm so sick of you, too.

Why don't I call pete,

The bug guy,
and see if he's done.

That's a good idea.

Hey, pete, hi, it's carrie.

Are you done yet?

What?

How long will it take you
to find the queen?

Oh, my-ok-good-bye.

He said it's going to be
another days.

Days!

Now we got to pay
more money for a hotel!

Actually, you know what?

We have
those free vouchers

For the motel
my dad stayed at.

If you want to drive
to florida.

I don't...

But I know someone
who will.

How great
did this work out?

You got to gamble,

I got to excavate
a native american campground.

Everybody wins.

Yeah, we really have doug and
carrie to thank for this one.

We sure do.

This is actually
pretty nice.

Yeah.

Hey, what do you think
they do with those mats?

I don't know, but don't
walk on them barefoot.