08x16 - Knee Jerk

[bunniefuu]

For a guy who can't
see his own reflection,

Dracula is
pretty well groomed.

Let's see
what else is on.

Oh, leave that.

Mr. Prime minister,
thank you very much.

Charlie rose?

You realize that's pbs.

Doug, we never watch anything
that broadens our horizons.

Maybe this will give us
something to talk about.

We watch tv so
we don't have to talk.

Let's just try it.

...he
finds himself in the center

Of today's
most pressing issues-

The w*r on terror,
future shape of europe-

Who's he interviewing?

It says right there,
the prime minister of turkey.

I gotta level with you. I'd rather
see an interview with an actual turkey.

All right. Shh!

Tell me what role
you think turkey can play

In shaping-

Bet you bucks charlie
picks up his water glass

In the next seconds.

Come on.

I'll give you -to- odds.

All right, you're on. Okay.

Come on. You're bored
and thirsty, charlie.

Come on,
pick it up, buddy.

Come on, pick it up.

Charlie,
don't do it, don't do it!

Take a sip.
Hey, sipsy russell!

want to go double or nothing
on masterpiece theater?

Ah, douglas.

What is that
powerful aroma?

I could ask
the same thing.

Is that some kind
of melted sandwich?

Yes, it is, and I don't
want you shedding on it,

So could you
step back?

So, I can't be near
your food.

Then I assume
you'd really get upset

If I touched it
like this, huh?

Actually, all you did
was touch hot butter.

Did you get fitted
for your suit

For my cousin faye's
wedding?

No, but it's right at
the top of my to-do list.

Honey, you understand
the wedding is in weeks,

And you are a guy who needs
a tailor's help.

Ok, do you understand
the concept

Behind a grilled cheese
sandwich?

If the cheese cools,
this was all for nothing.

All I'm asking you to do
is get the suit!

And all I'm asking you to do
is shutty.

Ohh!

Doug!

Oh, my god, are you ok?

Cheese still hot.

Ok, try to keep the weight
on the other foot.

Let's plant you
on the couch.

I don't have to remind you
to do that.

All right,
remember the doctor said

To keep your foot
elevated,

And you have to take
your pills every hours.

Next one's at : .

Did he happen to mention
what time

You're going to say
you're sorry

For pushing me
down the stairs!

I didn't push you.
You fell.

Because you hit me!

Because you didn't get fitted
for your suit like I asked you to!

So you cr*pple me?

and for the time you
ripped up my vogue magazine

'Cause you had to make
your collage.

It wasn't a collage.

I was constructing
the perfect woman.

Ok...

Anyway, the doctor said
you're not crippled.

With a month of physical
therapy, you'll be fine.

Oh, just a month...

And every day it rains
for the rest of my life!

I understand
that you're upset, ok?

But you do understand that I
didn't mean to hurt you, right?

I want to believe that.

What?

I just came up
for a glass of water.

I don't
want any trouble.

Come on, dad.
It was an accident.

You could have k*lled him.

With him being
basically uninsurable,

Where would that leave us?

All right,
would you back off?

It wasn't my fault.

Shame on you, carrie.

I've pushed many people
down flights of stairs,

But damn it, I've always owned up to it.

Ok, physical therapy's
on the nd floor.

Oh, the snack bar's
on the th floor.

This day just
keeps getting better.

What the hell?

That is sick!

Hey, excuse me,

What's that?

That right there is a little
thing called "slamball."

Great, another cool thing we can't do

Because of carrie.

Yeah, we can't...

we can.

Hey, put us
down for tomorrow.

Heffernan. H-e-f-f-

Whoa. Don't get ahead
of yourself, chief.

We got
a -month waiting list.

Hey!
You can't touch him there.

Have you
changed your pants

Since you fell
down the stairs?

It's a whole thing
getting them off.

Just...

Hey, guys.
Hey, carrie.

How'd your
physical therapy go?

Pretty rough.

Worked some deep tissue
on my thigh

While I went
to my safe place.

Anyway, I thought
you might be hungry,

So I got you some burgers
from white castle.

Oh, thank you.

And I know you like
the fries

From
the bowling alley,

So there you go.

Great.

I'll be right back
with a soda.

I got to tell you-

I feel like going home
and having kelly

Push me down some stairs.

What are you
talking about?

I've never seen carrie
serve you.

Or smile at you.

She's just
acting all nice.

I bet she feels guilty.

No, it's much more
than that.

It's a fundamental change.

The whole balance of power
has shifted to you.

Get out of here.

As long as you keep
that thing on your leg,

I bet you get
anything you want.

Here you go.

You all set?

Um... Actually,
you know what,

Could you just take
the pickles off the burgers?

Sure.

And then chop them up
into little bits,

And then put them
back on like relish?

I wasn't kidding.

Oh, ok.

What's up?

Well,
the swelling's gone,

And you've got
full mobility back.

Oh... What?

It wasn't as bad
as we thought.

You're percent.

Ok, that is
completely unacceptable.

I'm going to need
to speak to your manager.

Um, you can pay
on your way out.

I was promised a month
of pain and discomfort.

I was promised a month.
A month!

Come on, man.

You had
a hell of a ride.

Oh, god...

Now I got to go to her
cousin's wedding on saturday.

So? It's just a wedding.

It's a wiccan wedding!

What the hell is that?

They're witches.

And not hot witches
like tabitha or sabrina.

It's going to be
a nightmare.

What are you going
to do?

I got to keep
this thing going.

Here. You know what?

Hobble me.

How am I going
to hobble you with this?

Just do it.

No!

Fine. Then I'll do it,
all right?

Here...

Coward!

Ugh!

Doug, is that you?

Yeah, be right up.

Are you ok?

Oh, yeah. I'm... Fine.

What happened? I thought
you were getting better.

I was.

I was at
physical therapy today,

And I told the guy
to really test me,

And it felt good
for a while,

But then I heard
this sound.

It was like a...

A snap...

Crackle... Sound.

Honey, you shouldn't
have pushed it.

I know.
It's just that i, uh...

Ah, never mind.
It's... It's stupid.

What? Tell me.

I really wanted
to dance with you

At your cousin's wedding,
you know?

Outside, under the stars.

Oh, baby.
That's so sweet.

But you know what? You're
not going to the wedding.

I'm not going to risk

Having you
hurt yourself again.

I'll be fine. Just prop
me up against a tree.

I am going!

Oh, god!

Baby! Oh, my-

Oh, god! Oh!

Are you ok?
Here, let's get you-

Oh, god!

You don't get cute
with a knee.

I know that now.

Oh, sweetheart.

Mmm...

Listen, is there
anything I can do?

Make you feel better?

Actually...

There's like leftover
white castle downstairs.

Can you re-heat them?

Yes, yes.
Thanks.

Doug, please, you don't
have to carry my bag.

I want to see
my baby off.

All right.
Let me get it.

No, I got it!
I have to learn, ok!

Ok, baby.
And thank you.

I got it.

All right.

Deacon, you're going
to be with him, right?

Don't worry. We'll get him
through this together.

Ok. Thank you.

Bye, honey.

All right.

I don't care
what you told her,

I'm not giving you
a sponge bath.

How about just a shampoo?

You are such a wuss.

This guy
just bought a stun g*n.

I work in the subway.

I need this
for protection.

Actually,
in his defense,

He has been beaten,
set on fire,

And violated twice.

Anyway,
that little stun g*n

Is not going
to stop anyone.

Really? Why don't I
try it out on you?

Make it worth my while.

I'll give you bucks.

Bucks... No, thanks.

I'll kick in .

Yeah, me, too.

But you can't scream.

Open your jacket.

Pay up.

I'll have to owe you.

Oh,
that's your phone.

Could you get it?

Yeah.

Hello.

Wh-oh, yeah.

No, no, no
- we want it, we'll take it.

All right. Thanks.

Guys, remember how the
slamball court was booked?

Well, there's been
a cancellation

And we have it
wednesday night.

That's awesome.

Wait a sec.
You can't go.

You just
convinced carrie

You had
a major setback.

So? I'll just get all better
by slamball.

You're going to go from crippled
to jumping on a trampoline

In days?

She'll never buy it.

How about this?

She comes home
sunday night, right?

I tell her
I iced my knee all weekend

And the swelling went down.

Monday, I drop my crutch
in front of her,

I put weight on the knee,

It goes well.

Guys, I can't see
out of my left eye.

Tuesday, my doctor calls,
the x-rays look good.

You're going to get
your doctor

To go along with this?

I think so,
because my doctor is you.

Ooh! I'm an orthopedist.

Then, wednesday morning,

I invite carrie out
for a walk.

She becomes a partner
in my recovery,

Hours later,
slamball!

Honey, I'm home!

Hey.

Hey, baby.

You're home from the
wedding early. How was it?

I don't know what
I enjoyed more,

The mud dancing
or the actual ceremony,

Which I'm pretty sure
was officiated

By a crow.

Officiated by a crow.

Anyway, I've been icing
my knee all weekend,

And I think
the swelling went down.

I think I got sap
in my hair.

Oh, geez.

Wow, I got
a little weight on her.

Doesn't feel too bad. Almost
a little bounce on there.

Bouncy.

That's great, honey.

Hey, maybe later on
we'll go for a walk.

Ok.

Arthur,
why are the lights off?

You'll see me
when the time is right.

What's going on?

I'm just looking
at some family photos.

I think carrie will find
this one interesting.

No cast, no crutches.

So what? That picture could
have been taken a year ago.

Look at the cover
of that magazine.

It features a clearly
pregnant katie holmes.

Damn it!

And the next one
was taken

Before yesterday's
knickerbocker game.

And my personal favorite-

You receiving the news
about the return

Of the mcrib sandwich.

Turn it off.

Turn it off!

What do you want,
old man?

I want what you've got.

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about power.

From now on, I'm getting
everything I want from carrie

Through you!

Oh, no, you're not.

I'm taking this.

The negatives
are in a locker

At the staten island y.

Hey, honey?

Do you know what
you want for dinner?

Liver and onions.

Oh, no, no, no-

Liver and onions.
Say it.

Liver and onions.

Really? Ok.

Yo, slamball time.

I can't go.

What? What happened
to the -day plan?

It was going great
until arthur found out.

Now he's blackmailing me,

So I got to keep
pretending I'm hurt.

What's all this?

He's making me sort out
his dirty playing cards...

By cup size.

That one belongs
in its own pile.

Come on, man.
We need guys.

Douglas,
stop dilly-dallying.

I've had some drambuie

And I want to play
solitaire.

Let's do this.
I'm doin' it.

You sure?

I'll just tell carrie
I'm going to physical therapy.

What about arthur?

Give me minutes.

How's the borscht?

First-rate.

Shame carrie had to go
all the way to yonkers

To get it for "you."

Yeah, it's too bad.

Strange... I feel
a bit light-headed.

That's funny.
What do I have here?

Oh, the sleeping pills
that carrie got for "me."

I must say, you played the
part of the lumbering imbecile

Quite well.

Well, thank you.
And when you start to drool,

Keep it in the bowl.

Give me the ball.

I'm open!

Hi,
I'm carrie heffernan.

Oh, you're doug's wife.

Yes. My father
wrote me this note

Before he fell asleep.

"Help... Doug."

He had an appointment
with you today.

Is he all right?

I haven't seen him
in weeks,

Ever since his knee
was better.

Better? What do you mean?
He had a huge setback.

He did?
Well, have him call me.

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-yeow!

Yeah!

Hey... Car.

Kind of
crazy therapy, huh?

You've been faking
this whole time?

No,
not the whole time.

Get off of there.

No.

Doug, don't bounce
away from me.

Do you know what
you put me through? Huh?

All the things
you made me do for you.

Some things
I can't even mention.

You made me feel
so guilty

That I've been
actually listening

To anger management
tapes.

You may want
to pop one in now.

You think this is funny?

Let me tell you some-

Doug... Ok.

Doug...

You know what, doug?

I can't believe
you did this!

I'm sorry, ok?

Oh, you're sorry.
That's not good enough!

Yeah. It's fun, right?

I'm still mad at you.

Try the sit down.

I don't want to.

Whoo!

Give it a sh*t.

Come on.

Whoo!

There you go!
It's great, right?

Bounce it out.

Go higher.

I don't want to.
I'm scared.

You do it, honey.

Ok, watch me.

Go higher, baby.

Higher, baby.
Come on, higher!

Higher!

Ohh!

I got danny.

I'll take carrie.

I got arthur.

Um...

Come on!

All right.