08x17 - Present Tense

[bunniefuu]

Hey, honey.
You ready?

Yep.

Do me a favor.
Take my license.

What for?

In case we want
to get a beer

And I have to show
my i.d.

Did they raise
the drinking age to

And not tell me?

Just do it.

And, oh...
My lipstick.

Can't you keep this stuff
in your purse?

It's a concert
in the park.

I don't want
to carry a purse.

I don't want
to sit on the wet grass

Listening to
an abba tribute band,

But we all
have our problems.

Can you just,
please, thank you.

Oh, and my hair spray.

And gum.

I'm probably going to
need this other lipstick.

And my brush.

And an umbrella
in case it rains.

I'm good, I'm good.
All right.

Let's go!

Ok.

Oh, guy. I'm trying to
whip up a batch of mojitos,

But I'll need
sprigs of fresh mint.

Oh, sprigs of mint?

Out in the garden,
next to my artichokes.

When you ask someone to be
a bartender for your party,

The least
you could do

Is give them
the proper supplies.

I didn't ask you
to be bartender.

You know what-
I can't work like this!

Happy anniversary.

Thanks.

Years.
That is awesome!

Oh, yeah.

Easy, lou. I'm one pizza
pocket away from blastoff.

I'm going to check
on my mojito.

Oh, ok.

One of his old
army buddies d*ed,

So he's gone
for the week.

Oh.

What's the matter?

Well, he borrowed
$ from me,

And he said
he'll pay me back today.

Lou, lou, lou,
that money.

She's gone.

Forgot to put out
the vegetable platter.

Oh, good save,

'Cause it ain't a party until
we get some broccoli chunks.

Think everybody's
having fun?

Yeah...

Come here for a second.
Hon, look.

What?

At our wedding
we had about guests.

Years later,
we have .

Might want to pull
your attitude back a little.

Hey, you knew what you were
getting into when you married me.

And I'll tell you
something else, ok?

That carla ferrigno's
rubbing me the wrong way.

Oh, can I have
everyone's attention?

Look, it's been
a great night,

And I think I speak
for everyone when we say

Doug, carrie,

We love you guys.

Oh, thank you.

And because we do,

Deacon and I decided to
get you a little something.

No, we said no gifts!

Hey, that was you.

If anybody's interested,

I'm registered at
the jerky hut.

For our anniversary,

You guys got us those
incredible jazz statues, so...

We hope you like it.

I told you we should have
gotten them something.

It said no gifts
on the invite.

I know what it said.
Why do I listen to you?

Can we not
do this here?

Hey...

That's us.

Yeah.

It's beautiful.

What do you think,
carrie?

What do I think?

I think... Wow!

We found
this great artist in soho

Who can
take any photograph

And make an oil painting
out of it.

That's terrific.

We were going to get you
omaha steaks,

But we figured you eat that,
it's gone,

But the painting,
that's forever.

Actually,
I heard red meat

Stays in your colon
for years.

Again,
happy anniversary.

And again,
you shouldn't have.

Would you just
let it go?

We were in
williams-sonoma,

I had a panini grill
in my hand,

And you wouldn't let me
buy it for them.

For the last time,
they said no gifts.

Deacon and kelly were the only
ones that got them anything.

Yes, yes. Because they
know how to play the game,

And that's why they're doug
and carrie's go-to couple.

Go-to couple?

That's the couple
you call first

When you want to go
to a movie

Or on a cruise.

There's no reason
that can't be us.

Except we're not
a couple.

You do know that,
right?

Of course I know that.

I'm just saying there are
weekends when we don't have dates.

It would be nice
to do things

With doug and carrie.

Shouldn't we put effort
into getting girlfriends?

Have you heard
one word I've said?

Ok, now we know.

Lou drinks
a little tequila,

He starts lifting people
over his head.

Maybe that's the way
big boys blow off steam.

I hope spence is all right.

That ceiling fan
was on high.

Some surprise, huh?
From deacon and kelly.

Yeah. They're great,
great people.

Yeah.

Where do you want
to put it?

How about
the staten island landfill?

Carrie, they're our friends.
We got to put it somewhere.

Are you kidding me?
Look at this.

I got one tiny arm
and one huge arm.

I think
it's just the angle.

Look at my hands!

That's a chicken foot
and that's a catcher's mitt!

Look at me.
Look at my forehead.

I want to spray-paint
graffiti on it.

And what's with
the beaver teeth?

Look at those choppers.

At least I can see
where they got that from.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Nothing.
Your teeth are perfect.

Anyway, the point is,

We just got to figure out
what to do with this thing.

What we're going to do-

We'll put a nail in the wall
and hang the picture.

How about this-

We hang it when we know deacon
and kelly are coming over?

Deacon's here every day.

The man's obsessed with me.

Then just stick it
in the closet

And if anybody asks,

We just haven't found the
right place to hang it yet.

Fine.
And you know what?

You didn't hate
my teeth so much

When I had to strip
that speaker wire.

What's up, family?
You ready to go?

Just finishing up.

So, where'd you put
the painting?

Uh, look at this-

Says one bowl
has percent

Of your daily requirement of riboflavin.

I had three bowls.

So I'm good
for the weekend.

That's good, that's good.

Where'd you put
the painting?

Oh, the-oh, yeah-

Here's the thing.

Carrie and i- the picture's
just so special to us-

We're looking
for the perfect place

To hang it.

She's got her favorites,
I got my favorites.

So, we're
just kind of debating

And going
through the process.

That's basically
what it is,

Until you
find a perfect spot.

Problem solved.
I know the perfect spot.

Ok, a little bit more
to the right.

Hey!

Hey, car.
We got it up!

You sure did!

What's going on?

It got away from me.

Left. A little more
to the left.

Ow!

Hey, deac, babe,
you didn't have to do that.

We were going to hire-

Hey, hey, hey, that is
not how the palmers roll.

That's not
how they roll.

Doug had a great idea

To put one of those
art lights over it.

Did he?
Great idea, doug!

Same spot.

What's going on?

Deacon came by and put
the art light up.

He said
that's how they roll.

Are you crying?

No.

What's the matter?

Doug, I can't live
with this painting.

I am willing to lose
them as friends over this.

Forget about
the stupid painting.

Doug, I can't.
I see it in my sleep.

When I got to the kitchen,
the eyes follow me!

So, poke them out
with your giant fingers.

Come on,
I'm being serious!

Stop joking!

Come on, carrie.

I know
the painting's horrible,

But, you know,

You'll get used to it.

No, I won't!

Just like that purple vase
that my mom got.

You hated that thing.

I still hate it.

But you don't
think about it anymore.

It just blends in
with all our other crap.

Oh, my god! This arm
is bigger. I'm a freak!

Would you stop it?
Your arms are perfect.

They are?

Yes. Come on.

It was our anniversary,

And I didn't even
give you my present yet.

Ooh,
what'd you get me?

It's upstairs...
In the bedroom.

Oh, yeah.
You know what?

I have a gift for you, too,
that's upstairs.

Come here, baby.

Actually, I got to go
to the garage for a second.

Yeah, take your time,
baby.

Ok, what's the big secret

That you couldn't tell us
over the phone?

Should i,
or do you want to?

Either way.
I could.

Hey, chip and dale.
Spit it out.

Uh, we've decided what
we want to give you guys

For your anniversary.

your chef, mol, will
prepare a veritable feast

In the comfort
of your own home,

While you maitre d'-

Danny-

Will make sure your every need
is attended to.

We're going to pass.

But thank you.

Oh, funny.

You didn't have
any problem

Taking deacon and kelly's
gift.

You like them better
than us. Just admit it.

All righty.

I told you
this was lame.

It's not lame!
Listen, guys,

You got to let us
get you something.

Something that will top
deacon and kelly's gift.

Why don't you push us
down some stairs?

What?

You don't like
the painting?

We hate that thing.

That's too bad!

You want
to get us something.

I've got
the perfect gift.

Will you hurry up?

Should have robbed this house
minutes ago.

I had to get
my allergy sh*t.

We're not stealing a cat!

All right, so, how do
you want to do this?

You steal,
I ransack?

I really had my heart set
on ransacking.

Fine, you ransack,
I'll steal.

Wait, wait. Carrie gave
us a list of doug's stuff

She wants us to take.

Gray sweatpants,
torn in the back.

Everything in
his underwear drawer.

And his mr. French fry
machine. All right. Fine.

Ok, cool.

What are you doing?
They know it's us.

I want
to set the mood.

How does
wearing a ski mask-

I want to wear
the mask!

I'm wearing the mask!

Ok.

Look, I'm sorry,
all right?

It's... It's
just my process.

All right, fine.

Great, they're back!
What?

Just hurry up.
Take the painting!

Hurry!

It's stuck!

We're never going to
be their go-to couple!

Wait, wait, wait!

Mr. French fry machine.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my god!

What?

What?

We've been robbed!

What makes you
say that?

The couch pillow!
It's on the floor!

They were probably
looking for loose change.

Oh, god... Oh, god!

They probably
just wrecked the place.

They didn't
take anything.

Guys, look.

Not the painting.

Damn it to hell!

Damn!

What kind of animal
would do that?

An animal
with great taste.

I guess you guys should
call the police or something?

What's the difference?

It's probably halfway
to mexico by now.

You know what?
We will.

We just need
a little time.

Alone.

Oh, sure. Ok.

Call us
if you need anything

Or hear anything.

We will, we will.

Take care, guys.

Ok.
Yeah.

It's gone! What a relief! Awesome.

We should celebrate.

Good idea. You break
open a bottle of wine,

I'll whip us up
some french fries.

Oh, my god!

You said
this would work!

I thought it would.

I didn't know they'd
stage a fake robbery.

Well, they did.

God, I've been
living a nightmare

Ever since
our anniversary.

Happy anniversary!

We knew you guys
liked jazz, so...

What do you think?

I think... Wow.

We got them in harlem.

Really?

So, where you
going to put it?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't want
to put them anywhere

Until we find
the right place.

Yeah, just right.

I got
the exact right place.

How about right here,
huh?

Bang!
Ha!

You said, let's get them
a really bad gift.

They'll say they hate it,

We can say we hate
the jazz figurine,

Everyone laughs
and goes home happy.

I know what I said.
I'm the one who said it.

Wouldn't it have been
easier to say

We hate
your jazz guys?

Doug and carrie
are our best friends.

They went to a lot of
trouble to get us those.

Those things are r*cist!

They're not r*cist.
They're just... Bad.

So, what's next, genius?

So, this girl
at work walks in

Wearing the same shoes
I bought the day before.

I can key her car,
right?

Shoes, no.
Same haircut, yeah.

Oh... Note to self-

Next time
I go to supercuts,

Don't get the kelly.

So, uh, any news
on the robbery?

What? No.

No... No.

Come on, honey.
Don't go there.

It's just been hard.
It's hard.

It's very hard.

We figured that.

Which is why
we made another trip

Back to soho!

You did not get us
another one!

I think we did!

No!
You didn't!

Happy anniversary!

Whoa! Whoa... Lookit.

We should probably check on the boys.

You four talk amongst
yourselves, all right?

I can't believe it!

I kind of like it.

My big arm is bigger,
my eyes look like raisins!

You like raisins.

Oh, you know what?

You just like it because
the painter did something

To make you look
handsome.

You mean like this?

Doug, I am telling you
right now,

You better tell deacon and
kelly we don't like this

Or I swear,

I am calling a divorce
lawyer tomorrow.

Years. We had a good run, didn't we?

Not that good.

I was being polite!

I told you.

We just had to turn them
against each other.

That's where we went wrong
the first time.

It seems to be working.

Let's bring
this baby home.

So, who's ready
for pie?

Actually,
we're gonna get going.

Uh, but, you know what?

Doug does have something
to say to you guys.

Uh, yeah,
thank you for dinner.

And the picture
is awesome.

That's it.
I'm out of b*ll*ts.

We hate
the jazz statues.

What?

It's true.
We hate them.

Are you serious?

We got them
in harlem.

I know.

You tell us every time
you come over here.

Oh, wait a minute.

So, the painting
was some kind of payback?

No. No, no-

We were just trying
to find a nice way

To bring up the topic
of crappy gifts.

Nice? I have nightmares
about this painting!

Well,
these scare our kids.

Oh, do they?
Boo-hoo.

I'll tell you what,
girl.

You hate them so much,

They are
out of your lie.

Thank you.

You're very welcome,
miss.

'Cause we have plenty of
other black friends

That would love this.

Let's go tell the kids
the good news.

Ok... Which one is it, truth or dare?

Truth.

Ok, here we go.

What was your
most embarrassing kiss?

Um... This
stays here, right?

Uh-huh.

There was this counselor
at math camp...

Now can I call
deacon and kelly?

Run, baby, run.

Settling into my bunk...

One more time.

Honey, come on, please.

I have to start dinner.

I really think I can take you this time.

Ok.

Ready?

Yeah.

Go.
Go!

Son of a mother.

I tried to go
over the top on you.