08x19 - Emotional Rollercoaster

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The King of Queens". Aired September 21, 1998 - May 14, 2007.*
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Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
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08x19 - Emotional Rollercoaster

Post by bunniefuu »

Happy th, douglas.

Oh, wow. Hey.

Here we go.

"Welcome to stereo."

It's marvelous.

You hear a bowling ball
rolling in one speaker

And the pins falling down
in the other.

I think we've found
our new make-out album.

Ok, this one's
from danny.

Ok.

Yeah, I couldn't figure out
what to get you.

Then I walked by
lazy eddie's.

The grasper?

Yeah. You use it
to pick up stuff.

And the first part
of my body has been replaced.

Oh!

Yeah, that's great.

Reaching was the only
cardio he had left.

Oh, you can just put those
in the sink. Thanks.

Ok.

So has doug been freaking
out about turning ?

No. He's doing fine.

Oh. My husband matt
totally went to pieces.

Really?

Yeah. It was rough
for a while,

But it ended up being just the
kick in the pants he needed.

He got back into shape.
He started his own business.

Oh. And he's taking me
to paris next month.

Huh.

Hey, uh, do you have
any marshmallows?

Doug wants to see if he can
catch 'em with the grasper.

Upper right cabinet.
Ok.

But don't use 'em all, 'cause
that's how I give him his lipitor.

Hey, deac, uh,

Doug's taking
in stride, huh?

Oh, yeah.

'Cause I know some guys this
age, they start freaking out.

They start wondering,
"am I happy where I am?

Is this all there is?"
Why isn't he freaking out?

I don't know.

'Cause, I mean, he should be.
Shouldn't he?

Uh-huh. You know
I do the same thing.

Yes.

But you are not .

I turn next month.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, you look super.

Thanks. Maybe he does have
some stuff going on.

It's probably just all
bottled up inside.

Deep inside.

Mm-hmm.

Well, happy birthday, baby.

Thanks.

Mmm!

Oh! You don't know what
you're getting yourself into.

I just had a handful
of these sexy pills

That spence gave me.

And, uh-whoa.
It's kicking in.

That's cute, baby.
That's cute.

So are things all good?

Yeah. Why?

Well, just that it
is the big - .

And I know a lot of guys
when they get this age,

They start having
some regrets.

What about?

Oh, about, uh... You know,

Your life,

Your job, things
you wish you'd done.

Actually,
now that you say it,

I kind of wish
I called in sick today.

Come on. I'm trying
to talk to you here.

You're really worried
about me, aren't you?

Yes. So if there's anything
you wanna talk about or work on,

I am here for you.

Carrie, I am happy.
I don't have a single regret.

I mean, I've accomplished
more in my life

Than I'd ever
thought possible.

Well...

Good.

Morning.

Hey. I was thinking about
what you said last night.

"Is there anything
I wish I had done?"

And I thought of something.

Really? What is it?

I wanna ride goliath.

What's that?

It's this huge roller coaster
at thrill mountain.

When it first opened up,
my dad and i, we went there,

And we waited on line
for like and a half hours.

When I finally got to the front,
I don't know what ha-

I just got scared
and I ran off.

I can't do it.

Oh, for pete's sake, this -year-old
kid's going on a third time.

I'll be in
captain jack's fish yard.

Not a day goes by

That I don't regret my decision
to get out of that line.

That's a lot
to live with, hon.

Yeah. So I'm
thinking saturday.

Yeah. Saturday.
I got to go to work.

Wait a second. You got
a little lint. Little lint.

Ok, stop it.

It's mine now.
Hey, it's grasper!

Yeah. Ok. Good.

Come on. I need that
for the drive-through.

I wanted to tell you

You should probably give
carrie a little extra space

These next couple of days.

What are you talking about?

I was talking to her
at your birthday yesterday,

And I think she kind of wishes
you wanted more out of life,

Because you haven't
amounted to very much.

She... She wants me
to have a midlife crisis?

Pretty much.
You ready to go?

She's just trying
to get me to improve myself

To get a better life for her.

She's unbelievable.

Actually, she kind
of got me thinking.

I'm gonna apply for that
i.p.s. Management program.

Why don't you
do it with me?

Why don't you sack up
and fight the power, nancy?

All I'm saying is
this thing ain't going away.

I'll deal with it,
believe me.

She wants a crisis, I'll whip
something up. Shut the door.

Doug, what are you doing?

Nothing.
Go back to sleep.

Ok.

H- h-hate myself!

Are you ok?

Yeah. I'm great.

I'm years old and what
have I done in my life really?

Where am I going with
my life? What am I doing?

What are you talking about? You
said you were ok with being .

Yeah. The nile ain't just
a river in spain, carrie.

I just...

I thought a lot about what
you said the other night.

I don't know.

What is this?

I was making a list
of my accomplishments.

Oh, well, there's something on
here. Let's see what it says.

"Get butterfingers."

That was...
That was for me.

Oh, baby, come on.

My... My god, you're soaked.

Great. Now I'm a failure and I
can't control my sweat glands.

You are not
a failure, ok?

You are a very smart,
talented guy

Who could do anything
he puts his mind to.

Do you really believe that?

Yes.

Well, all I wanna
do is just...

I wanna give you
a better life.

And I want a better life.

I wanna buy you
a bigger house.

I wanna take you around the world
and give you the best of everything.

Yes, honey! Ok!

You know what?
Starting right now.

Oh, my god.
What are you gonna do?

I'm quitting my job.

Wha-what?
You're quitting your job?

If I'm gonna make it to the
top, I can't think like a donkey.

I need time
to plan my course.

Ok. How much time?

Months, a year.

You cannot put a clock
on greatness.

How much a lasik surgeon
pull down, you think?

Ok, you know what?
Let's slow down here.

You don't believe
in me then. You don't.

I do. I do.
I'm just thinking out loud.

It's just that now I think...
You know what?

Our life is great
just the way it is.

So you want me
not to quit my job

And everything just stay
the same the way it is

And not change the major
parts of my life.

No. Not right now.

What-whatever
my baby wants.

$ To get in.

I remember when you could ride
the roller coaster for cents,

And it'd take you
anywhere in the city.

Arthur, I think
that's the subway.

What happened to carrie?

Oh, she's over there
getting a cobra tattoo.

Thought it'd be hot.

How'd you get her
to do that?

I just threatened to cry
and become a carpenter.

Wow. You're really milking this
whole midlife crisis thing, huh?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Now I'm happy. She's happy.

Listen. By the way,
if it comes up,

I threw carrie
a little bone.

I told her o'boyle was recommending
me for that boss school.

The management
training program.

Whatever. Point is, tuesday
nights from : to : ,

I'm not at the movies.

Huh?

Hey.

This thing does
come off, right?

I hope not, 'cause
I couldn't want you more.

All right,
so what's the plan?

Well, danny and I are gonna
hit the haunted castle.

Yeah. Scared chicks
are very approachable.

And I'm taking major
to the kids zone.

Oh, ok. So we'll just
meet back here at : .

All right?
Sounds good.

Wait a minute.

Who's gonna take my dad?

I don't need a caretaker.

Just point me in the
direction of the bearded lady,

And I'll be on my way.

Dad, I don't want you
off on your own.

Maybe we should just
take him with us.

He can't get
on the roller coaster.

He's got bladder issues, and
he unlatches the safety bar.

Deac.

Oh, well, we're going on the
merry-go-round. I'm sure arthur-

I love the merry-go-round.

Well, great. Have fun, and
don't let him have any chocolate.

Ok? Bye.

Come on, major. Did you know, as
a young man, I worked as a carny?

One day, I had to hold a man's
severed leg for five hours.

Come on.

Buddy, settle down.

Why is the line so long?

Get used to it.
Life is one long line.

Except at the end of it,
there ain't no merry-go-round.

Do you mind, arthur?

Look, partner, why don't we get
on something that's not so long?

Like the hall of nutrition.

No. I wanna go
on the horses.

What would you say
if I told you

I could get the three of us
to the front of this line

And every other line
in this park?

Hmm?

What are you looking at?

You don't like seeing
a man in a wheelchair?

Then don't send me
to korea.

You're welcome
for your freedom.

Right this way, sir.

Great call
on the bird show.

They said that's where
all the chicks would be.

Yeah. Real chicks
in a nest.

Ok. Now we know.

Hi. Can I have
a cherry ice?

Oh, hello, miss.

How berry nice to see you.

Ah. God, this all
looks so good.

You know what?
Surprise me.

But, um,
nothing with peanuts,

Or my head will blow up
bigger than yours.

I think the, uh, ice
cream cone kind of digs me.

What?

Yeah. You see the way
she touched my arm?

There's a definite vibe
between us.

You're gettin' a vibe from
a giant ice cream cone?

Shh, shh. Here she comes.

Oh!

Choco crunch. How did you
know that was my favorite?

Well, thank you very much.

Welcome to goliath,

Seconds
of white-knuckle fury.

Please secure all sunglasses,
cell phones

And cameras.

Enjoy the ride.


You know, I thought I'd be
nervous when I saw it again.

But I guess
when you're years old,

The whole world looks bigger.

That's right, baby.

Hey, if it isn't
the heffernans.

Hi, mr. O'boyle.

What are you doing here?

Well, I heard you and
palmer talking about it,

So I figured
I'd bring the boys.

You remember sanji,
patrick, jr.

A couple of lady-K*llers
you got there, huh?

They do all right.

Anyway, I'm glad
we bumped into you

Because I wanna say thank
you for recommending doug.

He won't let you down.

Recommended for what?

Whoa. We're moving.
The line's moving.

Here we go. Keep it up.

Let's go, folks. Keep it
rollin'. I'll see you on monday.

Arthur, come on, man.

I don't know why you couldn't
have come in here yourself.

Because if anyone
sees me walking,

We'll be thrown out
on our ears.

Fine. Just go ahead
so we can hit the log flume.

Oh.

Bacon is in the pan.

How you doing, sir?

Fine, except for the fact
my legs are utterly useless.

I heard what you said before about
being a veteran. And thank you.

Well, coming from a fellow man
in uniform, that means a lot.

Ok, you're gonna have
to carry me in there.

What? I'm not doing that.
Just wait for him to leave.

That's not an option.

Son...

Look away.

So let's head over
to the kids zone.

Maybe we could pick up
some single moms.

Are you even
listening to me?

I'm-i'm-i'm sorry.

I just... I can't stop
thinking about her.

Who? The ice cream cone?

Aw, man.
You got to let that go.

You're starting
to creep me out here.

I know this sounds crazy,

But I think
she may be the one.

You know what else
she might be? A dude.

Oh, please. I think I know
the feel of a man's touch,

And this definitely
wasn't it.

Ok. Even if it is a girl,

You got to figure they don't
put the hot ones in a mask.

None of that matters now.
We had a connection.

I'm not gonna let that slip
through my fingers. I'm not.

Look, I know this
is gonna sound crazy,

But from the moment
I met you,

I just feel like-

Wait. You're not her.
You're chocolate.

Where's
the strawberry cone?

Where is she?

Welcome to goliath,

Seconds
of white-knuckle fury.

Please secure all cameras,
sunglasses, and cell phones.

Enjoy the ride.

I'll secure my camera
down his throat.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't we just go out
and do something else?

What? We've been in line
for like hours.

Come on, baby. We got
to conquer this fear. Ok?

Even getting this far
is a big step for me.

Hey, let's go see how big
I look in the house of mirrors.

Hey, it's
you guys again, huh?

What were you
thanking me about before?

Oh. Um,
I was thanking you

For getting doug into
that management program.

What?

The line's moving again.

Whoa. I'm sorry. She's
all right. She's tough.

Lady, keep moving.

What is going on?

I never signed up for
the management program, ok?

And you know why?
'Cause I like my life.

What about your crisis?

There was no crisis, ok?

Deacon told me what you said,
so I faked the whole thing.

You faked it?
I can't believe you.

I can't believe you that you
can't be happy that I'm happy.

And why can't you
want more for yourself?

What more could
I want, carrie?

I have a job that I like. I'm in
love with a woman that I'm married to.

Oh, shut up.

I can't believe I got this
stupid snake on my arm.

Excuse me.
There's a gap.

Yeah. Excuse me. Who's gonna
fill the gap in my life, ok?

Step forward, please.

All right, let's just ride
this stupid thing and get home.

What? Let's go.

I can't.

Oh, you can't.
Another fake crisis?

No, it's not a fake cris-
i... I can't do it.

Ok, doug, you listen to me
and listen to me good.

I've given up my dreams
of a better life

Because it turns out your only dream
was to ride this stupid roller coaster.

So you're gonna get
your butt in that car

Because I am coming out
of here with something.

Let's go.
What are you doing?

You're doing
this alone, babe. Good luck.

Hello.

Honey, in case
I don't make it,

I just want you
to know I hate you.

Aah!

Wait. Stop. They're
selling fudge over there.

Arthur, you've already
had like a pound of it.

I wasn't supposed to give you
chocolate in the first place.

Unless you wanna wait
minutes to ride the bumper boats,

I suggest you
give me what I want.

No, arthur. I've already
spent $ on you.

Cost of keeping a disabled
w*r veteran happy, $ .

Getting your son to the front
of every line, priceless.

Now, fudge me up!

You know what?

I'm through
driving miss daisy.

Oh, really?

Perhaps I should show that
park employee over there...

A miracle?

Ohh.

I'm calling
your bluff, old man.

I'll do it.

You got a good
thing going here.

Me wheeling you around,
everyone fawning all over you.

You're gonna blow all that
for a lousy piece of fudge?

Shame on you!

So should we hit
wet and wild?

Give me that sombrero.

So the thing is...

I'm working
in the subway now,

But I'd really like
to be a writer.

I think I have a novel in me.

I... God.

I'm sorry.
I'm just rambling.

God, you're beautiful.

Would it be ok
if... If I kissed you?

No, don't.

So, uh, what time
do you get off?

I was thinking maybe we
can go hit the beer garden

Over there
in fantasy forest.

That sounds great.
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