04x02 - The Bear

[bunniefuu]

Pile cream? Pile cream.
Why have you bought me pile cream?

Hally from school said sometimes
when you're pregnant, you get piles.

Well, I haven't.
You sure? Have you checked?

Because she said her downstairs
is... Dan. ..like smashed-up
plum crumble.

Sorry, I had that cued up.

Look, I know you're sorry about
forgetting to pick me up.

You don't need to buy me presents.

I want to buy you presents,
you're my...

My?

One more present.

They look happy, don't they?
Makes you think?

Doesn't make me think.
Makes me think.

Makes you think what?
What does it make you think of?

Makes me think of the game
of Twister.

I think if you think a bit harder,
it might make you think of...

Get a job, Dan.

"And that's when I realised,

"I should've gone for a wee
when I had the chance.

"I had started to leak,
and what a surprise,

"I was wearing light blue jeans".

Oh, dear! He sounds very sorry
for himself.

Absolutely self-obsessed,
I'm afraid.

"I was late..." Oh, morning, Carol.
Oh? Would you like a coffee?

Oh, thank you, I'm not to have it.

Father says it makes me skiff.

Skiff? A skiff-skiff here,
a skiff-skiff there.

"Have you had coffee again, girl?
Stop skiffing about the place,"

he'll say, "It's like living with a
Mad March pink-eyed hare"!

..and shouted, 'Look at his
winkle!'"

Did you see the flowers?

Oh, did you leave those?
Thank you, it's really kind.

Just wanted to brighten the place
up a bit for you, it can't be easy.

Living in a dead man's room?
Yeah. No. No.

"Dad did that joke again when he
pulls my trousers and pants down

"when I'm not expecting it.

"Jerry, the milkman, was delivering
at that very moment,

"and he saw my peas and carrot".

On that, do you think we could move
some of the old man's stuff out?

Um... Specifically, the giant
statue of Christ? It's just...

..it's a bit unnerving, cos...
I mean, it's cross-eyed.

Cross-eyed Christ?

Yeah, it's a cross-eyed Christ.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Daniel,

I'm afraid the family absolutely
insist that we move nothing

until they can come themselves.

Lord knows when that's going to be.

They've had their bus pass
taken away!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

"He gave Dad a thumbs-up,

"and then they started talking about
race horses, as if I wasn't there.

"I pulled my pants up, and watched
Swap Shop".

The child had no idea about
narrative structure, for a start.

Is it any wonder his dad ridiculed
him? Sounds like he needed it!

Needed it! Yes, Richard was just
trying to toughen the boy up!

You were too soft on him, Polly,
let him get away with too much!

Shh! His dad loved him very much.

What are you reading?

Nothing. Mum!

Well, Daniel, I was going through
some things in storage,

and I found your diary.

And it's worried me very much!

She overindulged you,

and she's worried you'll do the same
to Simon Bridges.

Give me that!

Daniel! You must make Simon strong!

Teach him not to be so frightened of
everything!

Yes, and teach him not to put his
Action Men r*fles up his penis!

Page !

The child was deranged!

Like a hot monkey!

Unbelievable!

Remember, one man's rubbish
is another man's gold.

Last week, I went past the bins
in Marks and Spencer,

I found a whole frozen chicken.

It got wrapped in a cardigan,
and was perfectly preserved.

Mr Crumbs... Enjoying that?

I like yogurt.
Well, you like MY yogurts.

It was in fridge.

My fridge!

Morning Brian! Really exciting
meeting.

You know what? Being fired from the
lost property office has made me

realise money is an absolute con.

Turns out, you don't need a job.

You can live with no money.

OK, just as an alternative theory,
no, you can't.

You can, and it's called
"freeganism"!

Right, Mr Crumbs? Oh, yeah, big
time!

You, Mickey and...

Mr Crumbs. Mr Crumbs are indeed
living for free, in my flat.

Brian, yesterday, Mickey
and Mr Crumbs only ate bread

they found in the park.

And that was just day one!

We've come up with loads
of ideas today!

OK, well, while you and your two
human ducks are wasting the day

with this horseshit, could you
please ask Mr Crumbs to stop

helping himself to my yogurts?

I likes yogurts. Yes!

See how stressed money makes you,
guys?

Right, let's get brainstorming.

MUSIC: Lovely Day
by Bill Withers

# When I wake up in the morning,
love

# And the sunlight hurts my eyes

# And something without warning,
love

# Bears heavy on my mind

# Then I look at you

♪ And the world's all right
with me... ♪

# Just one look at you

# And I know it's going to be

♪ A lovely day... ♪

The hell was all that about?
What?

Don't "what" me, mate, you just
assaulted Jason!

I'm not mate, I'm Kevin.

Right. It's a figure of speech,
Kevin.

Just go over there and cool off.

Sir! This'll come off, yeah?

He's f*cking mad! Why's he written
"rat" on my head?

Not going well, his interview,
is it? He's got "rat" on his head.

He's mad! Why's he written "rat"?

You are a rat.
f*ck off, mum's clothes!

I don't wear my mum's clothes!
Come on then, you prick!

How old is that kid?

Yes or no?
I mean, they're challenging,

but I think I can develop
some strategies.

Do you want the job or not?
Well, let's talk pay.

Classroom assistant, basic.

Not a teaching role. Noise is fine,

we're far enough away from the main
school building.

And it'll be the same faces
that get sent here most days.

Yeah...if I didn't know better,

I'd say this place was a dumping
ground for the disruptive kids.

It's almost... A bin?

It's your call.

Babies are expensive things,
aren't they?

Mum's clothes!

Come on, then! Who wants to fight
me? Come on, let's go...

Go well?

They're insane!

I'm going to tell him to stick it!

And go back to farming?

Well, there's got to be another way.

What other skills have you got?

Didn't you say you could get four
digestives in your mouth?

Five. Listen to me when I tell
you things.

She's got it all worked out
already.

She can live at her parents' house.

I've got nothing to offer that baby
before it even arrives.

Yeah, you have. What?

Come on, use your brains!

You remember what it's like to be a
kid, don't ya?

What did you need?

"I don't know what I'd do
without him!

"He's my special, special friend!

"I want to squeeze him so tight
until we both cry together

"like best friends!"

Is this your diary? You were
King of the Losers!

Give me that!

"Bear and I had a lovely day
in the park.

"We held hands. It was so sunny
and lovely.

"Don't think I'll ever forget".

Oh, Bear! This ice cream
is so lovely!

Would you like some?

You've got it all over your nose!

You're my best friend! Oh...

A bear?

I don't remember.

I don't remember!

MUSIC: Only You by
The Platters

# Only you...

# Can make this world seem right

# Only you...

# Can make the darkness bright

# Only you and you alone

# Can thrill me like you do

♪ And fill... ♪

Brian! Look at all the stuff I got
for free!

Jo, we need to talk. I can't believe
I never thought of it before!

Why would you get a boring job
when you've got all this stuff

just scattered around for free?

I'll tell you why, because you're
not a f*cking Womble.

Why are you so angry?

Shakira? I don't use money any more.

What've you got for free? f*ck all.

Well said. Come on, you must have
something that's going out of date.

It's good for the environment?

Whatever that means.
Jo, has it occurred to you,

I might want my flat back soon?

So my children can visit me?

That's all part of the strategy.

Me and Mickey are trialling a free
food and drink technique

this afternoon, and Mr Crumbs
is out bulb-scrumping as we speak.

Bulb-scrumping?

Bulb-scrumping. Bulb-scrumping?

Mr Crumbs goes around unscrewing
light bulbs,

creating what we call "Dark Town".

Ultimately, we make a deal
with the council.

We restore light, in exchange for
land.

Bish bash bosh, you get your
flat back,

we build a house out of old tyres.

You're insane!

Jo, you can't live in my flat for
free like some twisted Fagin,

sending your street urchins out
to steal light bulbs!

Listen to this. Oh, God...

"Mum and dad were out, so Bear and
I played in my room all night".

Oh, Bear, you won!

"Me and Bear were so tired,
we snuggled in bed

"and had nice kisses".

I just came to say goodnight.

Goodnight, Mummy.

That better not be
who I think it is!

You're too old for this, Daniel!

You'll get bullied at school again
if they find out!

But he's my friend!

Well? Well, what?

Well, my only friend as a child was
a toy bear that

I can't even remember. And?

And?

It stands to reason that my child
might be a

no-friends loser too, so... So?

So, I'm going to have to find that
bear, aren't I?

Pass him down to my child!
As a matter of urgency. Thank you!

That's the conclusion you've
reached?

Yes! A friend for life.

The friend that saved his dad's
life.

My God, you always were a deluded
idiot.

You can read it for yourself,
you ' s catalogue model!

Grow up! Both of you, grow up!

Brian?

What's wrong with him?

He needs a f*ck.

A good, hard f*ck.

How is Bob? He's left me.

He's got a part in "Star Wars".

Amazing!

Oi!

What's so urgent, Daniel?

Nesta and I are going to a cheese
and wine at Cath Price's chalet.

Oh, why didn't you say?
I would've arranged a police escort!

Why are you in a judo outfit?

Well, every do we attend,

Jeanie Edwards copies what I wear,

so I'm giving her something to think
about.

My God. Certainly puts the conflict
in the Middle East into perspective.

If we don't get there early,

Christine Kenyon will have gobbled
all the blue cheese.

What do you want? I want my bear!

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

I don't even remember having a bear,
but he was obviously important,

so I want it!
You had all sorts of silly toys.

You were a spoiled little puffer
fish.

Good. Where are they?

You shouldn't be playing with toys,
Daniel, you're a big boy!

I don't want to play with them,
you mummified clown!

Where are they?

Paulie!

Nesta will be cross.

She used to tell me off when she
came to stay.

What? Why?

Oh, Bear, look at you!
You've got it all over you!

Boop!

Honestly, he's been much better
recently, Nesta!

So, let me see the boy, Paulie!

I knew it! You are ten years of age,
Daniel.

It isn't right.

Do you want people to think that
you're odd?

No!

No! Bear!

Bear!

Bear!

I do remember!

But why was Nesta cross?

Paulie, what are you playing at?

Kenyon's just gobbled up the best
part of a wheel of Roquefort.

Daniel's looking for his toys.

He wants Bear.

I knew this would happen.
Never mind about the past, Daniel.

Concentrate on being a strong
father.

Where are they? Where are my toys?!

I gave your toys to the children's
ward at the hospital.

Oh, Paulie, will you never
learn? Right!

But, Daniel...about the bear...

Oh, Daniel.

Pretty delicious, eh, Mick?

One pint of blood, two free
biscuits and a cup of tea.

Bosh! So much for Brian's theory.

I don't mean you should double drop,
Mick.

You can't handle it,
you haven't got enough blood.

On your head be it.

Oh, hello.

Come to give blood?
We most certainly have.

OK, well, come on in, take a seat.

MUSIC: Wichita Lineman
by Glen Campbell

♪ I am a lineman for the county... ♪

How did we end up here, eh,
young man?

# Searchin' in the sun for another
overload

♪ I hear you singin'
in the wire... ♪

Hello?

It's me.

Yeah, I was expecting to be at work
today.

But I don't have that much on,
and...I could use some time,

a couple of hours.

No, I know we said not today, it's
just, I could really do...

Yeah.

That's great. Just great.

Yeah...only a couple of hours,
I promise.

# And I want you for all time

♪ And the Wichita lineman... ♪

What are you doing?

Oh, hello!

You're too big to play with toys.

Oh, you're never too big to play
with toys.

You are! You're too big!

Toys are for poorly boys and girls.

Right. Well, we're all poorly in
our own way, kid.

Do one.

Rabbit wants to know why you haven't
said hello.

Because I'm not insane, kid.

Get lost! I'm trying to find a
bear here.

There's no bear anywhere!

Rabbit says he might know where
there's other toys.

Good, where?

You have to ask Rabbit.

Where are the toys?

Rude.

Excuse me, Rabbit.

Where are the other toys, please?

Oh, my God.

He says, "Follow us".

At last!

Rabbit says, "Don't be so
impatient."

I'm this close, kid.

Not long now, Mick!

Yum-yum, biscuit time!

In your face, Brian!

Who said there's no such thing as
free food?

Mick? Mickey?! Nurse!

Hello? Jo, calm down!

Well, what's wrong with him?

I'm going somewhere.

He's not going to die, Jo.

All right, all right!

I'll come over.

God! Can there be no release?!

The ladies put them in there when
they come in.

What? Rabbit wants to know what we
get for showing you where they are.

The knowledge that you have got my
baby a special friend.

Oh... Rabbit says he wants quid.

What?! ...?

You want to choose your special
friends a little more carefully!

Bear would never try a cheap trick
like that.

You and Rabbit should be ashamed of
yourselves!

Ah, he's stealing the toys!
He's stealing the toys!

You bitch!

Oi, stop!

What's going on? Oh...

It's Mickey, don't worry.

He's going to be fine,
he's just given too much blood.

He double dropped for another
biscuit.

Is that what you've been doing?

Jo, this free-gan thing is madness,
for God's sake!

I'm sorry for calling you, Brian,
but I was frightened.

I've spent my whole life dealing
with your bullshit.

Either you or that idiot are getting
in my way all the bloody time!

They're my toys! Oi! Dan?

Oi, stop!

Oh, God! He's not here!

The bear's not here!

Oh, Dan. Jesus.

Bear! Where are you, Bear?

Dad? Where have you been, Dan?

Her waters have broken!

I've been looking for Bear! What?

I went to the hospital to have Bear,
but he's not here!

Bear! Where are you, Bear?!

Dan! Emma is about to give birth,
pull yourself together!

Bear!
I need to get onto labour ward.

Yeah. It's all I had to give!

Bear's all I've got to give!

She's in pain, you stupid man!

Dan! I'm useless!

Our son will be too without his
special friend! Daniel!

Ow, it really hurts! Bear! Dan!

Dan! Bear! Oh, Mummy, it hurts!

Bear! Bear!

Bear! Dan!

Bear!

Dan, for God's sake!

I was Bear!

Bear and I had a lovely day in
the park.

We held hands...so sunny and lovely.

Oh, Bear! This ice cream's so
lovely, would you like a lick?

Oh! Bear! No!

You've got it all over your nose!

You're my best friend!

Bear!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Mum and Dad were out, so Bear and
I played in my room all night.

Oh, Bear, you won!

Me and Bear were so tired, we
snuggled in bed and had nice kisses.

No! No!

That better not be who I think
it is!

Oh, Bear! Look at you, you've got
it all over you!

Oh!

I knew it! Bear!

No! Bear!

Bear!

Get that woman in here, now!

Are you the father?

Come on, then!

Breathe.

Go on.

We're OK, yeah? Yep!

No, it's just that I...
Just go and meet your child.

Yeah.

We'll talk about it later. No need.

But we're cool? Yep!

MUSIC: The Teddy Bears' Picnic
by Henry Hall

# If you go down in the woods today

# You're sure of a big surprise

# If you go down in the woods today

# You'd better go in disguise!

# For every bear that ever there was

# Will gather there for certain
because

# Today's the day the teddy bears
have their picnic

♪ Today's the day the teddy bears
have their picnic. ♪