02x01 - September

[bunniefuu]

♪ Mother, you had me ♪

♪ But I never had you ♪

♪ I wanted you ♪

♪ You didn't want me. ♪

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SQUELCHING)

("SEPTEMBER" BY EARTH,
WIND & FIRE PLAYING)

♪ Do you remember ♪

Hi!

Sam, the chicken things are amazing.

- Oh, good!
- Is that chicken?

I thought it was tofu.

(CHUCKLES)

♪ Away ♪

♪ Our hearts were ringing ♪

♪ In the key that our
souls were singing ♪

♪ As we danced in the night, remember ♪

♪ How the stars stole the night away ♪

(SIGHS)

Frankie, where's your sister?

Which one?

The shitty one.

Uh, she's not here yet.
I don't know where she is.

Okay, can you text her and
ask her when she's coming?

No.

♪ Ba de ya ♪

♪ Never was a cloudy day ♪

(GROANS)

- Sammy.
- Hey, Jeff.

- I brought beers.
- Oh.

Well, you're probably gonna
drink all of that yourself.

Yeah. Probably.

Yeah.

You doing all right there?

Not really.

Yeah, well...

Oh, my sliders.

- Oh, sliders, nice.
- Yeah.

Bring it.

- I'll give you one.
- I mean, do you not even have,

like, some carrot sticks
or something simple?

Oh, God.

Why don't you just eat the food
I made? I made lots of food.

Or if I just wanted a carrot stick.

Or you could eat whatever you want,

even though I made guac and chips

and chicken thingies and lamb sliders

and two different kinds of paella.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I will eat what you made.

No, no. I'm just messing with you.

Just go in the fridge,
get whatever you want.

You're not messing with me,
are you? But that's fine.

Yeah, it's fine, it's fine.

♪ Ba de ya ♪

♪ Never was a cloudy day ♪

You guys want a lamb slider?

Mmm. I don't know, it depends.
Did you make it?

- You know I made it.
- All right.

Which side did your genes come from?

Was your mother beautiful?

No, no, no. My mother was plain.

I got it from my father.

His mother, my grandmother,
was devastating.

Such a beauty.

And does Sam look like her?

Oh, no.

Sam looks like my mother.

Not like her dad?

Well, Sam's father was the
ugliest man I ever saw

in my life.

Oh, yes, he was spectacular.

- That's why I noticed him.
- (CHUCKLES)

Is that why you married him?

No. I married him because he was funny.

That's all. He made me laugh.

But I took notice because
he was breathtakingly ugly.

That's why Sam just looks... strange.

(MAX SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) (LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHING)

Hi, Max.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Arturo.

Sam.

Oh, this is my brother, Pedro.

Hi.

Okay.

Why don't you guys come in
and grab some whatever.

Sorry.

DUKE: So, my sister Max has a boyfriend,

and he's years old.

And I saw them kissing in the backyard.

Like, really gross kissing.

And she was sitting on him.

I never kissed a boy like that.

But I did kiss Owen last year

at that harvest party thing at school.

Okay, so your turn, Sorrow.

Truth or dare.

Um...

Dare.

You have to...

put four Monopoly houses up your vag*na.

That's the same

as a hotel.

Okay, or a hotel.

You have to put four
Monopoly houses or a hotel

up your vag*na.

What? You said "dare."

TRESSA: So how are you dealing with it?

What?

Your daughter is full-on going out

- with a man in his s.
- (LAUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, well, what can you do?

I can't do anything, but she's your kid.

If I want to have my
daughter in my house,

I have to have him here.

Is that okay with you?

No, it's really not,
but it's what's going on.

TRESSA: How did he go
from being with Macy

to being with Max?

(SIGHS)

- Thank you. Oh!
- I love you so much.

I am so proud of you.

This was such a good show!

MACY: It was such a good show.

I don't know how you did
everything. She directed it.

MAX: Yeah, well, it's almost easier

to, like, direct than to be in it.

You were the director?

Yeah.

SAM: Think he was into it.

♪ ♪

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

I like a good musical. Well,
I mean, but what does that mean?

SUNNY: But wouldn't you love,
like, a trip to New York?

- That would be so much fun.
- Sunny.

Hey, Jeff.

Hey, Mark. How's it going?

PHYLLIS: So...

I thought you two were married.

Aren't you married?

Uh, uh,

not anymore, Phil. We, uh...

we got divorced this year.

Oh. So now you're with...

Yeah.

PHYLLIS: And you?

What are you doing?

Me? Nothing.

Oh, well,

at least you didn't have children.

(LAUGHS)

Um, we have three kids, actually.

Oh, well, they must be devastated.

I know Sam's girls were
reeling since she left Xander.

They've never quite bounced back.

(SCOFFS)

Ah! I'm gonna get another vodka.

Do you want one?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Mom,

do you have any Port?

Port?

Yeah. Arturo wants some Port.

ARTURO: Your food is
delicious, but I won't

quite taste it until I have a
little bit of Port on my lips

and a little bit of
hash smoke in my lungs.

Okay. Well,

the booze is in there. Help yourself.

Don't give any to my daughter.
She's underage.

And please smoke outside.

(CHUCKLING) Of course.

Wha...?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I'm not doing it, Duke. You have to.

- I don't want to!
- I did mine.

- No!
- Pepper!

Do it!

Oh, my God. Okay.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER NEARBY)

(SIGHS)

Penis!

(LAUGHING) All right.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Duke, tone it down with them.

Hi, Pepper.

(CRYING)

I didn't do anything.

Okay, well, now that's your problem.

(PEPPER SOBS)

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ I don't know much ♪

♪ From night till dawn ♪

♪ But I am sure ♪ (CHUCKLES)

♪ That you are gone ♪

♪ And like a monkey on a bough ♪

♪ I'm hanging on ♪

(CLEARS THROAT) ♪ I'm hanging on ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'm hanging on ♪

♪ Until I know where you are ♪

♪ I can't move on ♪

♪ And you might not get too far ♪

♪ With me hanging on. ♪

♪ ♪

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(CHEERING AND CLAPPING)

Jason, you're quite good at that piano.

I suppose it comes natural.

Yeah, I guess so; my dad plays.

You should learn classical music,
you might like it.

Hmm.

(PLAYING CLASSICAL PIANO)

It's so nice when
underprivileged children

learn the classics.

Phil, he lives in Bel Air.

His grandfather is Harry Belafonte.

- Now, go.
- Oh.

Hey!

(SINGING OPERA)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

(LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

Grazie, grazie, grazie.

Grazie bella.

WOMAN: Bravo, bravo.

You've heard of the running
of the bulls in Pamplona?

Oh, sure. That's where

the bulls run through the town
and people, like, get gored.

Mm-hmm.

Have you done that?

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

But the real thing,

the truly rare experience

happens the night before.

What's that?

(INHALES)

You go into the stables
where the bulls sleep,

and you climb in and you
sleep with the bulls.

- Oh, my God.
- Mm-hmm.

No, no, no.

It's fine. Falling asleep
with a dangerous animal

by your side, it's...

(SIGHS) I want to say it's...

it's exhilarating.

I don't think I could do that.

Oh, yeah, you could.

You're a lion.

I'm not a lion.

You are.

You are a lion.

PEDRO: Sam.

(SIGHS)

Can I ask you a question?

You already did.

Um, I was just wondering...

Are you open?

Am I what?

Well, are you open?

Am I open?

What, according to you, does that mean?

Well, some people are closed,

some are open.

Um, the Shah of Iran might be closed.

Jerry Falwell, closed.

Lady Gaga, Iggy Pop...

open.

Okay.

So?

(INHALES) Are you... open?

I still don't have enough information

to answer the question.

Also,

this is boring.

(LAUGHING) Well, what I...

Hold on. What I mean is that, um...

Well, uh, you see Max

and Arturo, they... you know?

Right, so...

I thought, maybe... me and you.

Are you asking me

if I want to have sex with
my teenage daughter's

-year-old boyfriend's little brother?

(LAUGHS) Oh.

We go to the point.

Yes. Let's do that, shall we?

- (LAUGHS)
- You're asking me

(WITH SPANISH ACCENT) if I
will fool around with you.

Well, I mean... (SIGHS)

Fool around is such a
(GROANS) general vulgarity.

Um, it depends on the specifics.

Okay.

Well... (SIGHS)

Why don't you give me
some specifics, Pedro?

What are you proposing?

You want me to say specifics.

- Yes.
- Okay.

I could, um, rub your
shoulders with warm oil.

No. Boring.

Mm. I could, uh, massage your
feet in a bath filled...

- with...
- Nep. Nope.

Okay. How about if I eat your p*ssy

while you talk to your
mother on the phone?

There you go.

I like that one.

And then... I would

put my manhood into...

No, you lost me.

No penises,

especially not yours, hmm.

MAX: Mom.

Can I talk to you?

You want to talk to me?

Oh.

That's so interesting.

Yeah, Mom, I would like to talk to you.

Hmm.

Hmm. Excuse me.

Mmm.

All right, then.

Shall we step into my office?

So, what can I do for you?

What's going on with you and Pedro?

Me and Pedro?

Yeah, Mom.

He's all over you.

What's going on?

Well, I don't know, Max.

He's super cute.

I'm seeing what happens.

My God, Mom.

How could you do that?

Well, why not? Everything's
such a big old mess,

so who cares?

He's Arturo's brother, Mom.

Yeah, well, you want to
be all grown-ups, Max.

Right? All of ,

and you want to be adults
with all the adults.

So, whatever... you could have

a -year-old boyfriend,
and I could have,

like, a -year-old boyfriend,

and you're , and I'm...

And it's all just fine.

No, that's not what I want.

- I...
- It's not?

Because you're doing it, Max.

You chose to skip about
a thousand steps...

No, Mom, I don't want that.

It's too much.

Oh, but you can handle it, Max.

Right? You're a grown-up

who's ready to have a Spanish,

world-traveling, many-diseased man

- in her life...
- No, Mom, I don't want that.

It's too much. I can't handle it.

Mom...

(WHISPERS) I'm in trouble.

I'm-I'm in over my head.

I feel so stupid.

And I... I hate saying this to you.

sh*t.

I really like...

Arturo.

It was, like...

such a thrill to be with an older guy.

But I don't want it now.

He's... he's too much for me.

Mom...

we go to parties with
people in their s,

and I'm not in control of it.

And, like, I tried

to tell him once...

but, like, he's so...

I can't really tell him.

I don't know what to do, Mom.

(GROANS)

(EXHALES) Ooh...

Go up to your room, okay?

Okay.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ There's always someone
to pick up your toys ♪

♪ Always someone to put
up with your noise ♪

♪ At the end of the day... ♪

Hi.

- Ooh.
- Mm.

- So...
- Hmm?

- I'm good.
- Okay.

Can I, uh, have a word
with you two gentlemen

- of Verona?
- Sure, Sam.

How about we go with "Ms. Fox"?

All right, Ms. Fox.

Let's go have a chat.

Both of us?

Yeah. Yeah.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Okay.

Come on down.

That red one...

- I know.
- It's so cool.

I know. It's over there.

I love it.

- Mm.
- (SAM EXHALES)

Wait, wait, where's Max?

Oh, uh, she's upstairs in her bedroom,

probably getting into her jammies.

(INHALES) I should say
good night to her.

I don't think that's necessary.

You don't?

- No.
- Oh.

I don't.

I think you need to go home.

And you're not gonna see Max again.

And you're not gonna call her again.

And you're not gonna
text her, or e-mail,

or Facebook, or Instagram, or Snapchat,

or WhatsApp.

You're gonna stay away from my daughter.

Sam, this is silly.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Yes, it's very silly.

You know, Sammy,

you try to control her,
you're gonna lose.

Yes, I realize that, Arturo.

And I'm sure you do because

I bet you haven't dated anyone over

since you were about .

(LAUGHING)

Please shut up.

Sorry.

And I'm not out here

making some pathetic attempt
to control my child,

I'm protecting her.

From me?

Yes, from you.

She doesn't want to see you anymore.

Um...

Maybe I should hear that from her.

Uh, maybe you should
hear it from the police.

Kind of the police now.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Okay.

No.

(SOFTLY) No?

No.

(SIGHS) Aw.

(GROANS)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Okay, everyone out.

(MUFFLED) I love all of you so, so much,

and get out of my house.

You don't have to go home,

but you can't stay here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Jason's dad won't be
here for another hour,

so can we clean up the party mess?

Are you serious right now?

- Yeah, we want to.
- I got you, Mom.

Jason.

Come here.

My black son, I love you.

I love you, Mom.

That's so nice!

FRANKIE: Good night, Mom.

My clean-up crew.

Duke,

everybody get ready for bed, okay?

You guys, party's over.

Okay.

♪ Daughter ♪

♪ Daughter, daughter, daughter ♪

♪ Daughter, daughter, daughter ♪