04x07 - Please Don't Feed the Animals

[bunniefuu]

DRE: The United States holds
almost a quarter

of the world's prisoners.

[CELL DOOR CLANGS]

♪ I'm steady tryin' to find a motive ♪

♪ Motive ♪

♪ Why I do what I do ♪

. million Americans are behind bars,

a % increase over the past years.

Black people make up %
of the American population

but % of the prisons' population.

million Americans
have a criminal record.

in American children
have a parent behind bars.

- We get our incarceration on!
- [CELL DOOR CLANGS]

♪ If I get locked up ♪

♪ They won't let me out ♪

♪ They won't let me out ♪

Prisons have become uninhabitable.

It's easy for people
to start feeling like numbers.

And one of those numbers
happens to be my godbrother.

[TELEPHONE RINGS, BEEPS]

FEMALE VOICE: You have
a collect call from...

MAN: I need money.

DRE: And now you've met Omar.

FEMALE VOICE: To accept this call,

say or dial "five" now.

We're sorry. The number
that you have reached

has been disconnected
or is no longer in service.

- [PHONE BEEPS, RECEIVER CLICKS]
- Dre, was that Omar?

- Yep.
- Why didn't you accept his call?

Because this is the third time
he's called this week,

and he's constantly asking me,

"Who was at the club last night?"

I don't have the heart to tell him

that the club is a Gymboree now.

- Dre, my goodness you sound so cold.
- Mm-hm.

He just wants human contact.

You can't just talk
to him for a little bit?

You talk to him plenty.

Beyoncé's looking at another Beyoncé,

and she's underwater for some reason.

Now she's walking down
the courtroom steps.

And there's water gushing out.

She's in a yellow dress, and she's mad.

[Gasps] She is so mad.

It's a Santa Maria Pinot Grigio,
single vineyard.

Very earthy notes.

What would I be if I wasn't a doctor?

I don't know.

A dancer?

[LAUGHING]

No.

Not that kind of dancer.

Omar, you are so silly.

You two have a very
inappropriate relationship.

I don't send him pictures anymore.

[CHUCKLES] He traded those in

for a cell with a window.

- You think I'm worth that?
- RUBY: No.

I am just trying

to make prison easier for him.

Prison shouldn't be easy!

When I was on the inside,

I had to do my own things

to get extra cornbread.

Here we go.

You know how they say
snitches get stitches?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, God.

Well, when you're locked up,

snitches also...

[CHUCKLES] get cornbread.

Hey.

- Dre.
- Hmm?

I just don't want him to feel so alone.

I love that you want to help everyone,

but there's only so much
that you can do.

I guess so.

- He's behind bars.
- I know that.

So you have to keep a healthy distance.

But his birthday's coming up.

We can still get him a cake, right?

You don't have birthdays in jail.

It's true.

Technically, I never turned .

Oh, my God.

Or s*ab a bitch named Sheila

in the belly.

[CHUCKLES] I got her!

[SIGHS]

That was an awful casual mention

of you going to jail

and stabbing Sheila, Grandma.

Huh?

Oh, no, baby.

Grandma never went to jail.

I think you might be lying,

because I just heard you say

you went to jail.

[CHUCKLES]

You heard that?

Come on, Grandma.

I can handle the truth.

I shave twice a month now.

All right. Fine.

Many years ago,

I blew up Earl's boat.

Bad.

[expl*si*n]

[LAUGHING]

I was charged with some aquatic crime,

got thrown in some local maritime jail,

and shared a cell

with a sicko who got off
on torturing dolphins.

Can you imagine? The angels of the sea!

Wow.

- I can't believe that.
- Yeah.

Thanks for sharing your secret with me.

Ohh.

[CHUCKLES]

An experience like that
must have changed you.

Mm, no.

Not learning lessons
is kind of my thing.

♪♪

Okay, ready?

Front, front, back, back.

Pat your weave, pat your weave.

I'm not patting my weave.

So, you don't care
if we have a hot handshake?

I guess you're happy
with being replaced, then?

Aw, the twins are here!

Yep.

[LAUGHS]

Aw!

I'm Dylan.

Or am I Dylan?

Ohh! It's just adorable!

GIRLS: Yeah!

Or do you want to stay
two low-rent suckers

with the same birthday?

[SIGHS] Fine. I'll pat the weave.

But call me "low-rent" again,
and we're done.

[SCOFFS]

Ready?

Front, front, back, back.

Pat your weave, pat your...

So, am I the bad guy
for keeping my distance

when Bow's the one
who's been leading Omar on

by talking to him almost every day

and sending pictures of herself to him?

Probably in a bathing suit.

- Mm.
- Unacceptable.

[WHISPERING] I should
probably see those.

Ch...

You know, just to make sure
they unacceptable.

Dre, I don't like weighing in
on your personal business,

but you're right.

You shouldn't be associating
with prisoners.

- They're animals.
- Whoa, whoa.

I never said they were animals.

No, no, no, no, no.

They're just people who live in cages,

and regular people come and visit them

and watch them through glass.

Okay, I'm a little confused.

- So, is Darrington over there...
- Mm-hmm.

...is he an animal?

Because didn't you hire him
right from prison?

Darrington has paid his debt to society.

He served six long months inside.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, you're talking white-collar,

Club Fed, Martha Stewart time.

I'm talking real time.

What, Darrington's time wasn't real?

Okay, he had to play doubles tennis,

medium-rare was more like medium,

and the only premium movie channel
he had in there was Epix.

So, what did Darrington do?

He bankrupted Burma and was caught

with a gentleman's amount of cocaine.

- Oh, I loved cocaine!
- Hmm.

Yeah, without cocaine,

I wouldn't need these glasses
or my pacemaker.

CURTIS: That's... That's messed up.

See, my cousin got caught with
a gentleman's amount of cr*ck.

Same thing as coke.

And he got five years.

You know how much coke he would
have had to have had on him

to get the same sentence?

grams.

That's because coke is a white drug.

It's a magical powder

that you snort through
a rolled-up hundo in Aspen

with boobies in your face.

Now, cr*ck is considered a black drug.

It's dirty.

You smoke it through a rusty pipe,

and there are no big old boobies
anywhere to be found.

See, the system is built
to hem a brother up,

while you white folks
just get a slap on the wrist.

A slap on the wrist?

Darrington has to pick up
trash on beaches.

That's the difference
between white-collar

and black-collar crimes.

We're treated unfairly while we're free,

and treated even worse while
we're behind bars.

So, why are you so mad at your wife

for trying to improve the life
for your jail friend?

STEVENS: Look at that.

We just had an entire discussion
about black people

- with no mention of sl*very.
- Okay.

This calls for a celebration.

Darrington!

You still on the wagon?

If he isn't, we'll know. He's an animal.

Those coked-up monsters at work
made me realize

that I needed to start
taking Omar's calls.

Hell, maybe I'd even let Bow
send him a few more pictures.

- Dre.
- Huh?

Dre, I just got the best news.

Omar just called.

The Innocence Project stepped in!

He is innocent!

Wait, what?!

He's getting out!

- Out?
- Yes!

- From jail?
- Yes!

- Omar?!
- Yes, Dre!

They are letting him out,

and he's... he's gonna
get his life back.

Look at God.

All right, uh, so I suppose
I should probably,

you know, pick him up
so he can crash here.

- Here?
- Yes!

- Omar?
- Yes!

- From jail?
- Bow, you were the one

that was talking to him.

Where else would he go when he got out?

- Who got out?
- Omar.

- From jail?
- Yes!

- Look at God!
- Uh-huh.

♪♪

So, Omar's free?

- Yeah.
- Ooh.

A man who's been locked up
for long years

without the touch of a woman

is coming to this house.

Well, it's such bad timing,

because I've lost
the belts to all my robes.

Yes.

Ew!

Dre, why does he have to come here?

You were the one that said

we had to keep a healthy
distance from people in prison.

Yeah, but he's getting out

into a world that doesn't care for him.

Bow, we need to help him.

We can get him a really nice
room at AmeriSuites.

You once said the AmeriSuites
was prison.

You can hear the ice machines
all night long.

- Unbelievable!
- What?

So, when he was in a cage,

you were just fine sending him
food and pictures.

- And... money.
- Money?

Just like $ a month.

Bow, you are basically his woman.

- No, I'm... Dre, stop it.
- You hooked him up

with the Innocence Project.

I didn't know they were
gonna do anything.

Oh, you didn't think
the Innocence Project

was gonna get somebody off
who was innocent?

I thought he was guilty.

Well, he's not. And he's out.

And I'm gonna help him.

Siri, get me directions to prison.

SIRI: Getting directions to AmeriSuites.

Told you.

♪♪

[SIGHS] I keep telling you,

if we want to b*at the new twins,

we need a chest bump at the end.

Say "chest bump" one more time!

Hey, guys, can you keep it down?

I'm juggling a lot right now

being the keeper of the family secrets.

Uh, what are you talking about?

Well, if I told you,
it wouldn't be a secret.

Let's just say I learned some pretty
troubling stuff about Grandma.

- About her going to jail?
- Oh, yeah.

She stabbed that "B" Sheila
in the breadbasket.

Ironically, it was over cornbread, so...

You knew?

Of course we knew.

We're part of this family.

Why am I the only one
who's been kept in the dark?

Because you're soft.

That's why they haven't told you

about any of our family's
ugly criminal history.

- What?
- Dad went to mall jail

for taking too many samples
at the fancy candy store.

They found truffles in his undies.

And don't forget when
Pops pretended he fixed TVs.

I'll get it back to you
in no time at all.

[EXHALES]

Coco, start the van!

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, and don't forget about Uncle Omar.

He's in the hospital. [SCOFFS]

Think about it, Junior.

Who goes to the hospital
for to years?

Never heard of that.

Every time I think
I'm closer to the truth,

I'm punched in the face
with another lie.

♪♪

So, I was thinking, at the end,

we should jump in the air

and lightly touch the top part
of our bodies together.

You know you're just describing
a chest bump, right?

I just believe in it so much.

It's easy. All you have to...

Nope.

Mnh-mnh.

I really want to help Omar, but Bow?

She doesn't even want

to let him crash on the couch
for a night.

And I'm gonna have trouble
helping you with your problems

until I see those bathing-suit pictures.

Are we talking two-piece?

You know what? Don't worry about it.

I'ma just imagine something.

STEVENS: Look, I have to side
with Rainbow in this, Dre.

You can't let an ex-con stay with you.

That's like letting a Princeton man

alone with your daughter.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, come on.

That would have k*lled
at the country club.

You know what? I'm gonna text them,

'cause that was gold.

Omar is not an ex-con.

He's innocent.

They're letting him out
because he didn't do it.

And if he's black and they let him out,

he really must not have done it.

Well, just because
they found the guy innocent

doesn't mean that he didn't do it.

It just means they couldn't prove it.

It's all about what you can prove.

- Isn't that right, Daddy?
- Bup, bup, bup, bup.

Stinker, hey, remember,
we signed the little contract?

Yeah. So, shh. [CHUCKLES]

So, I'm not supposed
to let Omar stay with me,

even though he is innocent?

But you let Darrington work here.

Darrington has been rehabilitated.

Darrington has served
his debt to society,

and Darrington deserves a second chance.

Omar served a debt that wasn't even his.

Can he come work here?

[LAUGHS] Come on, Dre.

We all know that answer.

This is ridiculous.

The only thing that Omar is guilty of

is being in prison,

and does that make him damaged goods?

I-Imagine how hard it's gonna be

for him to get his life back
when he gets out.

He lost his house, his wife,
years of work experience.

Yeah, life has marched on without him.

Bet he's never even seen "New Girl."

It's messed up, man.
The system is really broken.

No, the system is shattered.

We put people in a machine
that's designed to break them,

and then we turn our backs on them

when they come out broken.

I'm not gonna do that to Omar.

He's gonna stay with me
as long as it takes

for him to get back on his feet.

That's wonderful, Dre.

You have just let a Princeton Tiger

loose in your house.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, this is wasted on you two!

You know what?
You know who would love this?

Darrington.

Darrington.

Come here, you crazy, little coke freak.

♪♪

Why are you making up the couch?

I got the hotel room.

No, babe.

Omar's gonna stay here, all right?

He... He needs to be
surrounded by family.

Uh, technically,

he's not even family, all right?

He's your old neighbor's son.

And I've loved talking
on the phone with him,

but I don't feel good

about having a guy that's been
in prison for years

stay on our couch.

Oh, so now he's just a "guy"?

Dre, you know what I mean.

- No, I... I don't.
- He's not just a guy.

But being in prison can be very rough.

You have to go?

What? Why?

Lockdown?

You got a cellphone smuggled in how?

Solitary?

Well, for how long?

Are you okay?

People come back,

and it's like they have PTSD.

It's like they're coming home from w*r.

This is fascinating.

Please... Please, tell me
all about prison, Bow.

Oh, my God, Dre.

I know that things happened to Omar

that he didn't want to tell me about.

We have no idea where his head is at.

Well, I know Omar,

and he didn't let
those things affect him.

You don't know that, Dre.

Bow, we are his last line
of defense, all right?

He deserves a chance to start over.

Of course he does.

Just not in my house, Dre.
It's not safe.

This isn't just your house.

Our house.

Our family.

He is not coming near either of them.

You don't just get to make
a decision like that, Bow.

Yes, I do.

And I just did.

You tried to keep it from me,

but now I know the truth.

Uncle Omar's in jail?!

He just got out.

♪♪

Even my secrets have secrets.

Grandma, I feel like I'm the last one

to know anything around here.

You all think I'm soft, but I'm not.

My voice hasn't cracked in three months.

So you think you're ready
for the truth, huh?

Yes. I want to know it all.

Okay.

So, you know, every beach
is not a nude beach.

So, as we lay there together,

Stevie Wonder said he could see.

So, apparently, you're not
allowed to punch

a policeman's horse, either.

So then I put my g*n
in Phil Spector's mouth.

So they look like little balloons,

and what I had to do
was swallow them whole.

[CHUCKLES] And just pray
they didn't burst inside me.

[CHUCKLES] Or else it would have been

night-night, Grandma.

[CHUCKLES]

So that was the ' s.

You know...

[VOICE CRACKS] We're good.

- Okay.
- Thanks for the honesty.

Anytime, baby.

♪♪

[CANS CLATTER]

Dre, if you're trying
to make me feel bad,

can you do it without
waking the baby up?

You should feel bad.

- You're a terrible person.
- That's nice.

Since you made it clear
that Omar isn't welcome here,

I am going out to meet him,

and I'm bringing him a few things.

Your "welcome to freedom" move
is used hot sauce?

The man completely missed
the rise of sriracha.

Okay, Dre. It's your call,

but I would have started
with a new phone.

Look, this isn't funny, Bow.

When I think about
where Omar is right now,

I can only go to bad places.

I think about solitary, gangs,

and not to mention what happened
with Kalief Browder.

- Oh, my God.
- The kid was innocent,

and he was thrown in jail for years

for a crime he didn't commit.

- They tortured him in there.
- I know.

And when he got out, he couldn't cope.

I know. I know.

So he k*lled himself.

[SIGHS]

That could happen to Omar.

But, Dre, you can't think like that.

How else should I be thinking, Bow?

Right now, Omar's being
dropped off downtown

with $ in his pocket
and no place to go.

So I'm gonna be there for him.

With some Popchips.

♪♪

GIRL: Hey!

Cool!

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Begin, begin ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Begin, begin ♪

♪♪

♪ Break ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

GIRL # : New hats!

Hey, look, the twins got new hats!

OMG.

You guys.

[LAUGHING] They're cute!

- [STUDENTS "AWW"]
- Oh, Dylan.

Wrong again.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS]

BOY: Those hats are dope.

Why didn't we think of hats?

Because we're playing checkers,

and they're playing chess.

♪♪

[SCOFFS]

[DOORBELLS JINGLE]

♪♪

What are you doing here?

Move over.

[SIGHS]

For once, you were being
the better person,

and I am not comfortable with that.

This needs green sauce.

Ah.

I don't feel good about how I reacted

to all this stuff with Omar.

I mean, if it were just the two of us,

maybe it would be different,
but we have children.

You don't think I've thought about this?

I love most of our kids.

- Dre, stop it.
- Okay.

Oh, that... that's just for the table.

What?

What?

Dre, how many people
are you ordering for?

The man hasn't eaten a delicious meal

in who knows how long.

Okay.

And when he does get here,

I'm still gonna order whatever he wants.

I'm not gonna lie.

I don't know if I'm doing
the right thing.

- [DOORBELLS JINGLE]
- I don't know.

I'm nervous about who's
gonna walk through that door.

But I do know

that I'm supposed to be right here.

- WAITER: Here's your bacon.
- Oh, oh, I'll take that.

- Okay. Wow.
- And your fruit.

- Okay. Really?
- Hey, um, do you think he's Muslim now?

- Uh...
- You know what?

I'll just eat the bacon.

Is there anything that's gonna stop you

- from eating the bacon, Dre?
- Mm-hmm. More bacon.

[LAUGHS]

[DOORBELLS JINGLE]

♪♪

Hey. Have you seen my phone?

Has anyone seen my CD headphones?

Has anyone seen my $ million?

Guys, I think we've been robbed.

Oh, my God, and on the same day
that Darrington leaves

for his trip to French Guyana.

Dre, do you, uh...

Do you have anything
you want to tell us?

Yeah, Dre. Do you?

Yeah.

Darrington robbed you.

Right!

Right! Definitely!

- Makes logical sense.
- Mm.

Still, Dre, I may have to go
through your pockets.