04x08 - Charity Case

[bunniefuu]

DRE: Americans love charity.

The only thing we love more than charity

is being recognized for doing charity.

I mean, Angelina Jolie has
a specific charity outfit.

Don't get me wrong...
she brings a lot of joy

to children around the world,

but she also brings camera crews.

And these days, everyone's
getting in on the action.

Athletes wear their charitable
acts on their sleeves

and cleats and mouth guards

and those little
hand-drying-towel thingies.

And everyone wore LIVESTRONG bracelets

until Lance Armstrong
turned out to be a cheater.

Every cause imaginable has a ribbon

that people can wear
to show off their support.

I don't even know what that one's for.

He might just like ribbons.

But despite America's obsession

with getting attention for giving back,

that's not me.

I like to keep a low profile.

Okay, maybe not with all my choices.

But when it comes to charity,
I'm just not that guy.

Congratulations, Dre.
You are our new charity guy.

I don't think
I'm the right person for this.

[SCOFFS] I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to make it
sound like you had a choice.

♪

♪

Okay, so why me?

Dre, seeing as you run
our urban division,

and "urban" and "poverty"
mean the same thing,

it feels like you're the natural choice

to lead our new campaign.

So, is that supposed
to make me feel better?

[CHUCKLING] Dre,
I don't care how you feel.

Now, State Farm has hired us to work on

their Neighborhood of Good website.

It helps people give back
to their community.

Well, I'm out.

I already fulfilled my community
service requirements

for freeing those turtles.

Shame they couldn't
clear the highway in time.

Well, I, for one, love giving back.

I mean, how else are people

supposed to know that you're rich?

Plus, for every one
good public deed you do,

you get to do three evil ones
in private.

That's right.

Connor pulled a puppy dog

out of the L.A. River last night,

so watch your backs, people.

Someone has a hall pass!

[LAUGHS]

I think giving back is great.

It gets you into the sickest galas.

Hey, remember that fete to end the
decimation of the rainforest?

Oh, boy.

You know what really got
decimated that night?

♪ The dance floor, the dance floor ♪

- [IMITATES TECHO b*at]
- This is what I hate.

It's not about giving back.

It's about the parties
and how it makes you look.

You... You always make it
about yourselves.

Look, the Leslie Stevens Aquatic Center

for the Leslie Stevens Swim Team
isn't about Leslie Stevens.

- No?
- No!

It's about those hardworking kids...

Phelpsy and... Swimmy and Nemo and...

Obviously,
I don't know their real names,

but that's not the point.

I went to school with a Swimmy Jenkins.

He drowned.

So wait. You don't give back
at all, Dre?

No, I write plenty of checks.

I just choose to do it anonymously.

I do things anonymously, too.

I just make sure to have an alibi.

He's... He's not joking.

Okay, can we just all agree

that we give in different ways,

mine being the best,
and let's get back to work?

So, people log on to
NeighborhoodOfGood.com

and type in their zip code

to find a local cause they care about.

Oh, look, there's a retirement
home near my house.

- DRE: Oh.
- My dad can never find out. Deal?

♪

RUBY: Hey, new driver!

ALL: Congratulations!

I failed to yield!

How do you fail a driving test?

It's not entirely his fault.

Okay, son.

Driving .

Now, you mess up,
and you k*ll your father.

And park!

Your other shoulder, dummy!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

That cone, that was your mama!
Now she's dead!

Aah!

Don't worry.
You will get it next time, okay?

All right, honey.

That's right, baby.

- Hey!
- You don't want to eat that.

Your mama made it,

and you've tasted
enough failure for one day.

Sorry I ruined the party, guys.

Don't be sorry.

It's our fault for believing in you.

[BALLOON POPS]

You did this.

All right, that's enough.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

I blew it, Grandma.

Every teenager dreams about
driving their siblings around.

With Zoey leaving, I wanted to step up.

Now there's a power vacuum.

Like when Jermaine went solo.

Or like before Cersei Lannister
took over at King's Landing.

Ooh, it's hard sometimes
to root for you, baby.

Now, if you really want the little ones

to respect you like they respect Zoey,

you got to earn it.

Try doing something cool,

like teach them how to turn
a soda can into a pipe

like my sister taught me!

[CHUCKLES]

Is Grandma's idea illegal now?

It was never legal?

All I'm saying is do something
nice for the babies.

Okay.

You can die in w*r,

but you can't smoke out of a soda can.

So, Stevens put me in charge
of the campaign of giving back.

- Uh-huh.
- Then they judged me on how I give back.

I'm a generous man!

Yeah, Dre, you're generous.

I mean, it's usually
in the form of checks.

You don't really get involved.

And you do?

I spent two weeks fixing cleft palates

in Honduras last year.

[CHUCKLING] That's involved.

Oh, okay, you would think that
I would remember that, do...

Was this during March Madness?

- Ohh!
- Come on! No!

- [LAUGHS]
- No! Oh, man!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, hey, babe. How was your day?

My day? Dre, I've been gone
for two weeks.

You were supposed to pick me up
at the airport.

- Was I?
- No, I was.

You were supposed to pick up
the kids after soccer practice.

Ooh.

We had to cross a freeway!

All I'm saying is that giving your time

is very meaningful, Dre.

Like, maybe you can come with me

when I go down and volunteer
at St. Mark's.

Bow, you know I don't [Bleep]
with homeless people.

How can you have beef with
the world's neediest people?

I can't explain it, all right?
They just freak me out.

Kinda like the way you are
with grown people with braces.

You should have done it
when you were years old.

You missed your window.

- It's disgusting.
- [SCOFFS]

Sweetie, just start small, you know?

Take a bag of clothes from your closet.

Babe! I wear all of my clothes.

You have six green jackets, Dre.

They're not just green.

These two are exactly the same.

Well, this one is for a cool morning

that's gonna turn into a hot day,

and this one is for a hot day

that's gonna turn into a cool evening.

- Dre...
- Okay, okay, Bow.

Just one bag, all right?

But my green leather jacket
is off the table.

- Babe, this is green leather.
- Yeah.

You just don't find that. It finds you.

What are you do... What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm wearing it to bed.

Dr... You're gonna sweat, babe.

As I was hauling my ass across town

to prove how charitable I was,
it hit me...

if shelters really wanted help,

they would be more conveniently located.

But then the universe gave me a gift

in the form of a homeless man
who looked like a regular.

I gave him everything.

♪

Except those limited-edition Huaraches.

I'm not Gandhi.

Listen up, siblingos.

Guess who's taking you
on an adventure tomorrow?

- Bah!
- [CAR ALARM BLARING]

That was the panic button.

I cannot seem to turn it off.

But you can't drive us!

You failed the test!

[BLARING CONTINUES]

Really?

[BLARING STOPS]

But I can drive you

if someone in the car is over .

And not to brag, but I know someone

who's significantly over .

Significantly?

I don't know who you
talking about, little boy.

Sorry, Grandma.

Mm-hmm. Now, listen.

When we are out in the streets
[CHUCKLES]

do not call me "Grandma."

Okay...

Big Mama J.

Got it, Big Mama J.

Who is ready to take a trip to...

[IMITATING DRUMROLL]

Why isn't he using the table?

I don't know.

...the California Science Center?!

Yeah!

- Why?
- Hard pass.

No. W-Wait. You haven't
even heard the best part.

We're not going?

No, they have an exhibit
called the Rot Room

where you can watch
a possum rot in real time.

Which part do you think
the maggots eat first?

Spoiler alert... it's the eyes.

- [RUBY LAUGHS]
- I get it.

The classic bait and switch.

Say you're doing something terrible

but actually going somewhere amazing.

No, we're actually going
to the Science Center.

Okay, fine, baby.

Don't tell us where we're really going.

Is it SeaWorld?

Thanks for the ride, Dre.

I'm leaving my car at the office

so Stevens thinks I'm at work
all the time.

But won't he know you're not there?

Way to go, Charles.
Burning the midnight oil.

That CPR dummy actually got me a raise.

And it taught me CPR.

[INDISTINCT TALKING OVER RADIO]

♪

♪

Dre, do you believe that a person

can simultaneously be in two places,

effectively bending
the space-time continuum?

No.

Because you're right here,
but you're also over there.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, no, man.

That's just a homeless dude
I gave some clothes to.

I'm kind of a hero. No big deal.

No, no, no. It is a big deal.

Especially when you find out

your secret twin walks the Earth.

Damn, he got that hat cocked just right.

Outdoor Dre puts together stuff
way better than you do.

Less matchy-matchy.

Ha! No, man, you're crazy, man.

That dude is nothing like me.

[LIKE DRE] Ha!

♪

DRE: Can you believe that
there's a homeless man out there

- that looks like me?
- What are you talking about, Dre?

I'm talking about the man
I gave all my clothes to

on the street this morning.

You didn't go to the shelter?

Of course I didn't.

Nobody wants to go to a shelter.

People in shelters
don't want to go to a shelter.

So, you gave your clothes
to a homeless man

and you're upset
because he's wearing them?

Yes!

Most people feel good

when they help out the less fortunate.

Think about it, Bow.

If he robs a bank,
I go to jail for years.

If he skips out on tipping the barista,

somebody's spitting in my drink!

Yeah, those are two equally
terrible outcomes.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- See?!

Hey, Janine.

- Hey, Bow.
- Hey. [LAUGHS]

Oh, I got to tell you something,

and I don't know how to say it.

Oh, well, then let's just skip it.

- You know me...
- [BOTH LAUGH] Yeah.

...and I don't like to get in
other people's business.

I do not at all know that.

Gal to gal,

there's something... you should know.

I was getting my post-shrink,
pre-yoga coffee

when I saw Dre passed out on a bench.

I didn't touch him.

No, it's... it's not weird.
He's my neighbor.

Janine, that wasn't Dre.

Of course it wasn't.
I know all about denial.

When I caught Bruce cheating,

I told myself all kinds of things.

You know, that it was just a fling,

that his Instagram account
had been hacked.

That it... That it wasn't my sister.

- Mm.
- You know what?

I'm here for you,

as is the rest of this community.

- What... I don't...
- What have you done, Janine?

I think you're in a lot more
trouble than you believe.

Like, you're in some deep,
deep, like, trouble,

- like, deeper than...
- Yep. Okay.

Dre, there is a homeless man out there

parading through the streets as you.

Don't just sit there. Do something!

So now it's on because the white woman

got you to see it my way, huh?

- Exactly.
- Yep.

Okay, I've got the Purell,
and the Purell you Purell with

once you close the cap
on the first Purell.

Let's get this show on the road.

Zoey usually lets us listen
to the hip-hop station

that doesn't bleep out the bad words.

Well, I'll do you one better.

I've got a podcast
about South Asian geopolitics

that will blow your hair back.

Hey, you're losing them fast.

♪

I had to do something
about my homeless twin,

so I went to someone
who knows how to think

outside the box.

- What the hell?
- Sorry, Dre.

I had to set up Chauncey because
I had to go to the bathroom.

And then check out a movie. What's up?

Man, this homeless dude is in my head.

I need to do something about him.

Take him out.

- What?
- Got it.

I'm honored that
you would come to me, Dre.

But know this... a time will come

where I will demand
the same from you as well.

What? No.

No, Charlie,
I know this sounds bad, man.

I just need people
to stop thinking he's me.

I'm not homeless.

Oh.

Maybe I should change up my look.

No. You can't change up
your matchy-matchy look, Dre.

That's your look.

Here you are in
dope bleached denim. Hmm?

What about that wine-colored,
fur-collared bomber jacket, huh?

- Yeah.
- And here you are,

rocking head-to-toe Givenchy.

And people said it couldn't be done.

[SCOFFS] But I did it.

You did that.

I forgot I posted these pics.

Uh, uh, you didn't.
It was on your wife's feed.

And why did she stop posting
early-morning selfies?

- What?
- Nothing.

Get him some new clothes.

Swap them out for your old ones.

That's not a bad idea.

And neither is early-morning selfies.

Just mention it.

WOMAN: In the th century,
the Hmong people of Cambodia

mostly stayed in the mountains

to fend off the incursions
of the Hen Warriors.

Primarily...

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

- Who dis?
- MAN: Hey, Ruby.

What are you wearing?

I'm over here butt-ass naked.

Excuse me, sir.

- This is a PG car.
- [LAUGHTER]

No, no, no. I-It's a wrong number.

Wrong number!

I'll call you back, Francis.

DIANE: What are you doing?
Where are we going?

We're low on wiper fluid.

Forgot to check before we left.

I am sorry I put you all at risk.

[THUD]

Uh-oh.

It's fine.

You barely scratched the paint.

I better leave a note.

What are you talking about?

I've seen Dad take off a side mirror

with a shopping cart and not even blink.

Hurry up so we can go to
the place I don't want to go to.

♪

Um. Well, uh... [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

guess we have to wait for him
to get back

so I can explain it to him in person.

Don't worry. I've got a podcast

about the Armenian genocide, so...

What is wrong with this dude?

DRE: So was I stealing my stuff
back from a homeless man?

Yes. But I was doing him a favor.

My dope Gucci threads made him
a target on the streets.

He's actually safer with cheap
sweats from a big-box store.

But as I looked at his stuff,

I realized this wasn't
just a homeless version of me.

This was a real person,
a man who has a life.

I'm moving, I'm moving, I'm moving.

Hey, no, no, no, no. It's cool, man.

It's cool.

Hey, uh...

let me buy you a cup of coffee.

You're not gonna talk to me
about God, are you?

No, we straight, man.

We cool. Just coffee.

Look at this.
Whole bag of orange, bucks!

Look at this...
a concert t-shirt for bucks.

There's no "K" in Tyrese. Is there?

Junior?! How did you not
notice this earlier?!

- What?
- It's bright orange!

I-I saw it. I just thought
it was a super cool hubcap.

We've been waiting around forever

for someone whose dead body
is probably in that trunk.

You know what? Forget it.
Let's just go home.

Well, what about the Science Center?

What's the point?
It closes in half an hour.

Oh! SeaWorld's open till : .

We were never going to SeaWorld.

I wasn't sure what I was going to say,

but it turned out Greg and I

had more in common than we realized.

- But the Fox Hill Mall was the spot!
- Yeah, man.

I got caught shoplifting
at the Penney's there.

- Me too!
- BOTH: Ha!

Yo, thanks for the clothes, man.

People are always trying
to give me some stained shirts

or some old, off-brand sweats.

Oh, well, you know,
at least you're getting

some new off-brand sweats.

Those are nice.

They okay.

But the stuff
you hooked me up with, man,

made me feel good about myself.

I'm glad it made a difference.

It did, man.

Hey, it's not every day
you get a Tom Ford blazer.

[LAUGHS] I... I gave you my Tom Ford?

[CHUCKLES] That was in the bag
to go to the cleaners,

but, uh... enjoy.

Ha!

Ha...

Hey. How was the Science Center?

- We didn't even get there.
- What?

We spent all our time at a gas station.

I wanted to deliver a fun
and informative outing,

but instead they got street oranges.

It was a total waste of a day.

Mm.

Well, not a total waste.

Today, I learned more
from that gas station

than I learned from Mom ever.

Hey!

Yeah, she never lets us
get out and wander.

'Cause that's how kids get snatched!

But there was so much
cool stuff in there.

This thing is shaped like a tree

and it smells like a tree.

Plus, I got a t-shirt

and these Boost Mobile burner phones.

Burner phones?

Shh! We need those for a thing.

Oh, good call. Good call.

RUBY: I'll talk to you later, Francis.

And put on some clothes.

- Oh, Grandma!
- Huh?

Will you chaperone again tomorrow?

We want Junior to take us
on the freeway.

Come on. Say you'll drive us.

We have side bets going
to see if you'll cry, so...

Mm...

- I'm down.
- Yes!

But that's a sucker's bet.
I'm definitely gonna cry.

[LAUGHTER]

I didn't tell Bow
about my shameless plan

to steal a homeless man's clothes,

but I did tell her
about my time with Greg.

It was weird, babe.
We have a lot in common.

We both hate the Lakers,
we both are fans of Tom Ford,

and we both got our ears pierced
at the Fox Hills Mall.

See? Doesn't giving back feel good?

- Here's the thing, though.
- Hmm.

It didn't.

- What?
- It felt scary.

He's just like me.

Babe, a-a-and spending time
with him made me realize

that my life could've gone
very differently.

Sweetie, you can't think like that.

It's hard not to.

You know, when I was growing up,

it felt like we were always
just one paycheck away

from being homeless ourselves.

Mm.

One slipup, one missed day of work

and we would have been in that shelter.

Mm.

I guess that's why I don't
[Bleep] with the homeless.

Okay, there has got to be

- a better way for you to say that.
- It...

And I know it's awkward,

but maybe because you do relate,

you could make more of a difference.

- You're right.
- Mm-hmm.

And it did feel good
not to be anonymous.

Right? Listen.

- When I went to Tegucigalpa...
- Mm-hmm.

...and I saw the faces
of those needy children...

Babe, we're still talking about me.

- Oh, wow.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hel...
- [STAMMERS]

[WHISPERS] Don't... Don't say anything.

- What?
- Shh.

JANINE: Bow, Dre?
I-I know you're in there.

I made you some lasagna,
seeing as how you guys...

- Oh, my God, this woman.
- ...are in a super bad place right now.

- I don't.
- It's still real hot.

- Baby, I don't eat red meat.
- It's p-piping hot, actually.

- I'm just gonna set it here on your...
- [BOTH STAMMERING]

- ...your welcome... Ah! Oh, boy.
- [CLATTER]

Okay, I dropped it.

- Okay.
- Top layer's a little wonky now.

- She dropped it.
- Oh, there's marinara everywhere.

- It's like a m*rder scene.
- Just leave it!

Ugh, the trash is full.

Who is throwing away
a perfectly good Tykrese shirt?

♪

♪

Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Get out of there.

H-Hey, Janine. It's okay. It's me.

Oh, hey, Dre.

Oh, man. Bow said you'd fallen
on hard times.

What was it? Gambling? dr*gs?

Prostitution? An unholy trifecta?

Thank you, Janine,
but we're doing just fine.

Okay, I know. You don't want
charity, so I'm just gonna leave

an untouched KFC family bucket
in the trash around : .

You guys like wings, right?

- No, Janine, we're...
- You know what?

Beggars can't be choosers. [LAUGHS]

God bless.

The kids will eat anything
if they're hungry enough.

You know what I mean?