02x04 - Eddie Cries Uncle

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to your worst nightmare.

You can't go over...

You can't go around...

Ah! I said you can't go around!

Oh!

Time-out, guys. Come
on, time-out. Time-out.

[Whistle blows]

All right, the good news is we've
already got our highest score of the year.

That's right... nine!

- Yeah.
- Woo!

We got time for one more sh*t. What
do you say we go out with style?

Oh, yeah yeah, give me the
ball. I'm feeling it, man!

- Woo!
- You haven't scored in five games.

Do not give me the ball.
I'm not feeling it, man!

Well, I can't take it. I've had
four guys covering me all game.

And one of them is Jerry.

No one's guarding me. I
wanted to be part of something.

I don't want that germ-infested ball.

Did you see what # was scratching
before he sh*t his last free throw?

Well, I guess it's time for me to pull
out some of the old Globetrotter magic.

That's great. You're going to
do some of your uncle's moves?

- Who's his uncle?
- Only Big Easy.

One of the biggest stars
of the Harlem Globetrotters.

Are you kidding? I love those guys.

All right, it's settled. Eddie's
getting the ball and I'll cover Jack.

- Woo!
- [Whistle blows]

Eddie, remember, let's
go out with style.

Style, my man. Let's get it, woo!

- Woo!
- Come on, come on, Eddie.

[Alarm ringing]

Okay, everybody, remain
calm. There will be no panic.

No run... oh!

- Too much style?
- Are you kidding me?

Now that's how you
lose a basketball game!

Woo!

[Rock music playing]

- ♪ Don't...
- ♪Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

♪That's just how we do.

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

♪Here we go, let's start the party!

♪Chop it up like it's karate.

♪Everybody!

- ♪Don't...
- ♪ Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪ Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

♪That's just how we do.

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Uh...

Is this brown stuff pudding or gravy?

Yes.

- Hey, great game, dude.
- Yeah, what's up, man?

What can I say? I'm a
showman like Big Easy.

Big Easy of the Harlem Globetrotters?

- Yeah, he's Eddie's uncle.
- Woo! That man's got a thing for me.

- Really?
- I went to a game two years ago.

And for some reason out of all the
women in the stands, he spotted me.

Hey, Easy.

That was one magical night.

Oh he asked me to be his girlfriend,
but I just couldn't just pick up

and travel the world with him,
I told him I have a career.

Marge, you're a...

I didn't say it was a good career.

Guys, guys!

I just heard the Principal
say they're shutting down the

Intramural Basketball Program
because the school's out of money.

- What?
- I can't believe it.

Please. This school's been
hurting for money for a long time.

They're renting half the cafeteria
to the senior citizens' center.

Oh, that reminds me...
it's Tango Tuesday.

[Tango music playing]

Harold, Harold, Harold...

I got this, I got this.

All right, Estelle, let daddy drive.

Are you ready for your dip?

Yo, Harold, a little help.

Haaa! Ayaaa!

Kyaa! Huaa!

- All right, your guys' turn.
- No "huas" for me.

Last time I did that, I pulled
something in my bathing suit area.

Look, if you guys are mad about
losing your basketball program,

then do something about it.

Why don't you come up with a
fundraiser? I'll be the first one to...

- It's $ , .
- Are you insane?

I was gonna give you like three bucks.

Basketball is dead. Let it go.

All right, look, that's a lot of money.

You just got to come up with
a creative way to raise it.

The debate team makes a lot of
money selling those chocolate bars.

- Yeah, they do.
- Mm hmm.

You guys think we can sell enough
chocolate to save our basketball program?

Of course we can! I'm a natural
salesman and I'm going to help you guys.

You guys have been on the phone
for two hours without a single sale.

- Calm down, Rudy.
- I will not calm down!

I need winners!

All right?

Why is your hair all greasy?

Uh, it's not grease,
it's Sell Gel. All right?

- Rudy, are you okay?
- Of course I am, Kim.

Let's move some product!

- You got it.
- [Bell rings]

See? See there? That's
what I'm talking about.

Jerry's first on the big board.
He just sold a box of chocolate.

Sold?

I thought you rang the bell every
time you ate a box of chocolate.

Get back to your phone!

Rudy: What is wrong with you people?

I bought , boxes
of candy for us to sell!

We're doing the best we can, Rudy.

[Whiny mocking]

Do you know what? I'm out of here.

- Yeah.
- Same.

No no, wait wait wait,
guys. You can't quit.

Because you're fired! Now get!

♪ Kickin' it with you.

I'm not happy about quitting, but
Rudy was totally out of control.

I mean, who limits people
to -second bathroom breaks?

It takes me that long
just to light the candles.

I have to set the mood
for my shy bladder.

Whoa!

Guys, look. The Harlem
Globetrotters are coming into town.

Eddie, maybe your uncle could help us!

Yeah... maybe.

Dude, we could get the Trotters
to do a fundraiser or something.

We could have an exhibition
game at our school and,

we could raise enough money
to save our basketball program.

- That's perfect.
- Whoa. That's it.

Let me see this.

Huh-uh, nope. See, this is
exactly what I was afraid of.

These are different Harlem
Globetrotters. We should probably go eat.

Eddie, Eddie, dude, come on,
man. That's your uncle Big Easy.

- Call him for us!
- I can do that.

I'll meet you guys inside.
I'll call him right now.

- See you, man.
- Great.

The Globetrotters are even having a
trick sh*t competition at the Mall,

and the winner gets to meet them.

- What?
- Jack: That's so cool.

That's so cool.

The Globetrotters
think they're all that.

They're not the only ones that
can spin things on their fingers.

Check it, check it. One two-two.

- Pretty good, Phil.
- Yeah, I'm just warming up.

Oh no! Oh, not again!

Baba ghanoush on the loose.

Oh...

[Crashing]

Bad news, guys. My uncle
must have changed his number.

There's nothing I can do.

Guys, there might be
another way to get to him.

Emcee: Welcome to the Globetrotter
trick sh*t competition.

- [Cheers]
- Next up we have Milton Krupnick!

Who's going to do something he
calls the Blind Whirling Dervish.

Wheee woo!

[Grunts]

[Glass shatters]

Oh, he just broke the windshield on...

That is my car!

Oh, guys, that was so close.
Hey, let's get out of here.

Eddie, you're up.

- Jerry: Ooh, you got this.
- Come on, you can do it.

- Come on, Eddie, you got this.
- Come on, dude.

- Please.
- Woo!

I sure hope this goes in.

Oh well, I tried. Let's go.

Emcee: Oh oh!

Congratulations.

You just won the trick sh*t competition.

Yes, Eddie, you did it!

Because of you we're gonna
meet the Harlem Globetrotters!

- [All cheer]
- [Flatly] Yeah yeah.

[Sobbing]

♪ Kickin' it with you.

Jerry...

I've done something wrong
and I need to tell somebody.

Eddie, we're more than
friends, man. We're brothers.

There's nothing you can tell me
that'll ever break that bond, man.

Big Easy isn't my uncle.

You're dead to me! You hear me? Dead!

I'm sorry.

I just thought if I told people
I was related to a Globetrotter,

they'd think I was special.

I never thought they'd come to our town!

Dude, they're Globetrotters.

They trot the globe.

I feel terrible, man.

Wait, hold up, hold up.

I've been in some pretty
tight spots before, man.

I got it.

You've convinced everyone else
you're Big Easy's nephew...

Now all you gotta do is convince him.

How are we going to do that?

Look, we've spent four hours
looking all over town for these guys.

Just convince him you're his aunt,

and tell him he's got a nephew
in town he never knew about.

Okay? Now hold on. Let me
adjust your balloons again!

- Stop it! You're gonna pop 'em!
- Ow!

No no no, we're not
gonna do this right now.

- We're gonna do this.
- They're gonna call a fraud!

- You have to do this for the whole g*ng.
- [Arguing]

[Falsetto] Easy, baby!

Is that you? Oh, look at these cheeks.

I could eat you up like a cobbler.

Big Easy, this is your aunt Edna.

That's right. I used to
change your diapers...

Big, yes.

Easy, nuh-uh.

So are you on Calvin's
side of the family?

Calvin...

Is my sister Evelyn's...

Son.

And I'm his brother's...

Aunt's sister.

That would make you your own mother.

Uh...

Uh... that's how we roll
on Calvin's side, baby.

Oh yo, tell Easy about his nephew
Eddie who lives here in Seaford.

Wow, I've got a nephew I never
knew about. I'd love to meet him.

Oh, you will tomorrow, sugar.

He won the trick sh*t
competition in the Mall.

Yeah yeah, Eddie's a great kid. He's
the one who got me a job with Edna.

Oh oh what? Is that what I think it is?

Ow!

That boy was gonna touch my scampi.

Now one more thing, baby.

If Eddie asks you for a favor,
you do it for me, you hear?

You got it, Edna. Anything for family.

No no no. I don't do the hugging now.

- No no!
- [Balloons pop] [Shrieks]

Oh, way to go, Easy... now you popped her.
Back to the home for you, Edna. Let's go.

♪ Kickin' it with you.

Free chocolate samples!
Get your free chocolate.

Keep moving, Albert.
You already had six.

Free chocolate! Get your free chocolate.

Okay, free falafel samples!
Free falafel samples!

What do you think you're doing?

Oh I do what you do I give away free
sample to make better for the business yes?

No, you get your greasy
falafel balls out of here!

What the... whoa, what
are you doing? No, stop!

Oh, super!

You got your falafel in my chocolate!

You got your chocolate in my falafel!

[Sniffs]

[Unison] Keep moving, Albert.

Guys, I cannot believe
the Harlem Globetrotters,

are actually coming to our dojo.

I know. I'm a little nervous.

Kim, Kim, Kim, they're just regular
guys who happen to play basketball.

The worst thing you
can do is wig out and...

[Gasps]

Holy Christmas nuts, they're here!

[Whimpering]

Milton, Milton, come on, get down.

- You are embarrassing us.
- I'm sorry. I'm really excited.

I saw you guys two years
ago at the Civic Center.

I remember you.

You were that kid on the Jumbotron
inhaling a macho nacho platter.

[Globetrotters laugh]

That's right!

Diz pantsed a ref and you laughed so
hard nacho cheese came out your nose.

[Globetrotters laugh]

Dizzy: Guys, I don't believe
it. It's cheese sneeze!

Cheese cheese!

Excuse me.

I'll have you know I still have a
jalapeño seed lodged in my septum.

Aw, man, don't be like that, cheesy.

- Uncle Easy.
- Eddie, my man.

- Uncle Easy?
- Yeah?

We were wondering if you guys would
be willing to play an exhibition game,

to raise money and help
save our basketball program.

You're family. We'd be glad to help.

- Yes!
- Flight time: Just one problem.

- Who we gonna play?
- [Clears throat]

You're looking at the team, man.

Hey, can you guys show us a little
something? We have your music ready.

- You got it.
- Of course.

Let's do this. Aha!

[Globetrotters theme playing]

- Ooh!
- Woo!

- All right, let's do it.
- Let's go.

Yo, Globesters, I got
a few moves of my own.

- Check it.
- [Techno music playing]

It's very genius, Rudy.

So during halftime at
Globetrotters' game,

we use this air cannon to sh**t
the choco-balls into the crowd?

Exactly. One taste and they're hooked.

Now listen, in sales,
image is everything.

And your look is very...

"Just bathed a goat".

Actually, she just bathed me.

But I get what you are saying.
Tomorrow I will wear fanciest suit!

Good. And I'm going to
the salon, get a tan,

my head de-greased
and a few highlights.

Okay.

Hey, put that down,
you're gonna get hurt.

Rudy, don't worry. It's not my
first time with an air cannon.

- I know what I'm doing.
- [Air hisses, thuds]

Rudy, these choco-balls
are delicious...

And painful.

[Globetrotters theme playing]

I got it, I got it, I got it.

[Whistle blows]

Hey, Easy!

That's my boyfriend.

Looking good, baby!

- Hey, who is that?
- I don't know. I never saw her in my life.

- Just ignore her. Come on.
- That's what I'll do. I'll ignore her.

You are not going to ignore me!

I'm up here looking all good and you
don't have the decency to notice me.

I can't stay mad at you. Hold me, Easy!

- Oh no.
- Hold me!

Hold me. I love you so much! Easy...

This is traditional
formal wear of my country.

It's what my great grandfather
married my great grandmother in.

It was a tight squeeze,
but she looked beautiful.

Rudy: Well, I think you look ridiculous.

Speaking of ridiculous...

Rudy, what happened to your...

Rudy?

The salon used the wrong bronzer,

and then my hair had a chemical
reaction with the de-greaser they use.

Do I really look that different?

You look like phoompa-paloompa.

It is Hachmachy word meaning "man
of bad sunburn and green hair".

[Buzzer sounds]

Oh, it's halftime. We've got to go.

Oh, I wrote a song about our
choco-balls. Listen to this.

- We don't have time!
- But I sound like a songbird.

- Is that...
- Don't ask.

- Don't care.
- No.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
Harlem Globetrotters halftime show.

[Cheers]

Get ready to taste the chocolaty
sensation that's sweeping the nation...

Boys and girls, close your eyes.

Come...

♪ To a land of your imagination.

♪ Where all your
chocolaty dreams come true...

Phil!

Stop singing. We just need to move product.
Tell 'em about our chocolate balls.

I worked hard on this
song! They're loving it.

♪ Use your imagination.

[Vocalizes] ♪
imagina-aaaa-tion...

Just plug the website.

[Air cannon f*ring]

♪ Imagina-aaaa-tion...

That's it!

Ow ow! Eh... uh...

♪ Our imagina...

- Buy our choco-balls!
- [Air cannon fires]

♪ Imagina-aaaa-tion...

[Shrieks] Buy our choco-balls!

[Globetrotters theme playing]

Hey!

Time-out! Guys,
come on, time-out!

Jack, why'd you call a time-out?
There's only eight seconds left.

Look at the scoreboard. If
we score one more basket,

we'll finally break double digits.

Can you imagine getting out personal
best against the Globetrotters?

Give me the ball. I'm feeling
it! I know I can make...

- You're not getting the ball.
- That's a smart move, yeah.

Let's go out with style.
Jack, time for the catapult.

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Laughter]

♪ Not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up.

Hey, little man, you
were amazing out there.

Although technically I should have
got an assist on that last one.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Hey, I wanted to say thanks.

You really came through for us today.

Anything for family.

Yeah.

About that...

There's something else
I need to tell you.

What?

That Calvin is your sister Evelyn's son.

- And I'm your brother's aunt's sister.
- Ow ow ow.

- You knew?
- Eddie, you popped when I hugged you.

Wait, so why didn't you bust me?

Because I never saw a kid work
so hard to pull something off.

And I figured it was for
a good reason. And it was...

You saved the basketball program.

But it's time I told
my friends the truth.

Hold up. You know what, Eddie?

I'd be honored to have you as a nephew.

How about this? You can be my honorary
nephew and I'll be your honorary uncle.

Easy baby, tell them
you're my boyfriend.

- Eddie, Eddie!
- Tell them... Easy!

Easy, wait!

♪ Not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Easy!

Your Wasabi Warriors...

Number ...

Black belt!

Number ...

The scorpion!

Number ...

Little Easy!

Number ...

Swagalicious!

And number ...

Cheese sneeze!

- Yeah, woo!
- Hey!

Hey!

Let's go.

♪ Kickin' it with you.