02x04 - Heck's Kitchen

[bunniefuu]

Cody...

You are a natural.

You sprinkle paprika like

you've been doing it for years.

You mean like a... seasoned veteran?

Ah.

How come you no sprinkle

paprika like Cody?

Enough of your excuses! Be gone.

Squingili!

It could use a little more coriander.

But still-- so much talent in one so young.

You remind of, uh...

Me.

Except shorter, blonder,

and not so much good-looking.

Cody!

There's a supermodel checking in.

Come on!

I can't. I have a hot duck in the oven.

Well, I have a hot blonde in the lobby.

Which is more important?

Good. Our duck a la Paolo

came out perfecto.

And I should know because... I am Paolo.

Want to try some?

I don't want any of your chi-chi Italian--

Mama mia! That's a some good duck!

Here I am in your life

Here you are in mine

Yes, we have a suite life

Most of the time

You and me, we got the world to see

So come on down

Just me and you know what to do

So come on down

It's you and me and me and you

We got the whole place to ourselves

You and me, we got it all for free

So come on down

This is the suite life

We've got a suite life

The Suite Life of Zack & Cody S E Heck's Kitchen

Maddie.

Interesting fashion choice, London.

Does that thing get cable?

Ivana has to wear this

so she won't bite at her...

skin rash.

She wouldn't wear one unless I wore one, too.

So, how'd she get the rash?

She accidentally ate some...

dog food.

Oh, poor dog!

Hey, London. You got something on your shoulder.

Stay.

Cody, you hang out in the

hotel kitchen a lot, don't you?

Yes.

Well, don't.

I just got a tip

that the food critic

Bernard Bernaise

is coming to the hotel tomorrow.

A good review from him

will enhance the Tipton's reputation,

Thus showering me with glory.

Don't you mean showering chef Paolo in glory?

Him, too.

After all, the man's a genius.

The things he can do with asparagus.

I need a moment.

You need a life.

Is the critic here yet?

There's no way of knowing.

According to my secret source,

He always checks in under an alias.

You have a secret source?

At the league of extraordinary hotel managers.

If only I could find out which guest he is,

Then I could make sure he gets

the perfect dining experience.

So what you are saying is

you need someone to spy on all the guests?

Someone sly and crafty.

Someone who's willing to break all the rules

to get what he wants.

You know... we don't come cheap.

Sprinkle.

I said sprinkle.

You sprinkle too much, woman!

You're making me nervous.

Chef Paolo says, when you sprinkle,

You let it fall like the first snow of the season.

Dude, let her do what she wants.

I'm just going to drown it in syrup anyway.

Rise and shine, boys.

Early bird gets the critic.

Did I say critic? I meant worm.

I'm not that comfortable with

you using my children as spies.

Are you comfortable with a caviar omelet?

Carry on.

Good news, boys.

My source...

sent me pictures of the food critic's favorite disguises.

An old Asian man, a cowboy, a woman--

And a giraffe? Wow, he's good!

So sorry. That's from my trip to the zoo.

Oh, look-- he's sticking his tongue out at me.

Maddie, have Ivana's special treats

come in yet for her... skin condition?

Oh, you mean her rash!

No, they haven't come yet.

But they're supposed to come in today.

They're called le chien yum-yum.

Oh, that's not good.

Although my skin feels great.

Give me that.

Sorry, miss. We were looking for

a food critic in disguise,

And we thought you were a man.

It's not that you look like a man.

Yeah, in fact,

If I were a few years older...

Ok, that leaves the cowboy

And an old Chinese guy with a gray beard.

Excuse me, where do I check in?

Over there.

Thank you.

This is hopeless!

Hello!

Ohhh!

Yeah.

Let's tell Moseby.

Easy there, fella.

First we have to prove that he's the critic in disguise,

which should be easy

Because that's the fakest beard

in the history of fake beards.

Oh, excuse me.

Dust bunny.

Whoa, this is supersonic power!

I cannot control it!

Zack, what are you doing?

Zack, stop the vacuum!

The beard's real!

I can't! We need to cut it off!

No! No cut! No cut!

Come on! Hurry!

I can't! Mom said not to run with scissors.

Are you ok?

We are so sorry!

I understand.

But this new look takes years off your face.

Ok, we can cross the old man off the list.

You think?

The only disguise left is the cowboy,

and there isn't one of them within a hundred miles.

I'm going to Mosey on down

to the restaurant right now.

Heard it's pretty good,

but I'll be the judge of that.

It's the critic!

Let's go tell Moseby.

Put the scissors down and hurry up, will you?

Mr Moseby, we found out who the critic is.

You are such good boys!

Ok, who is it?

It's the cowboy. Come look.

Oh, you're right.

Excuse me.

Patrick!

You know who that man is?

No, but his belt buckle is huge!

That man is Bernard Bernaise,

the food critic,

And he doesn't have any water yet.

Do not worry, Mr Moseby. I am on the case.

Chef Paolo,

Bernard Bernaise is here.

And his meal must be perfect.

Are you insinuating

that all my meals are not perfect?

Oh, heavens, no.

Everyone here thinks you are

the finest chef in the world.

Chef Paolo, my dog hates your food.

Let me get this straight.

Your flea-bitten mongrel

is criticizing my food?

She spit it out like the kibble it is.

Don't listen to her. She's a dog!

I mean her dog is a dog!

What does she know?

She never sent anything back at chef Robert.

Oh...that's it!

I'm a-quit!

Chef Paolo, I beg of you.

Please, apologize to chef Paolo immediately.

Chef Paolo... I'm sorry you can't cook.

May I?

I'm a-quit! Again!

Staff, we are leaving!

Heel!

What are we going to do now?

Don't worry. I noticed before he left

Chef Paolo completed

one of his famous chicken Paolos.

We can serve that to the critic.

Thank goodness. We're saved!

Mmm...this is delicious.

What?

What am I going to do now?

You know, Mr Moseby,

I studied under chef Paolo,

And he says I can make the chicken Paolo

almost as well as he can.

Here, taste.

Not now, Cody.

I need to find someone

who can cook as well as chef Paolo.

Mr Moseby, I know someone who can

cook as well as chef Paolo.

Why didn't you say so? Who?

It's Cody.

Cody? Are you serious?

This is for a food critic

who has eaten at the top restaurants in the world.

He's not going to be satisfied

with mac and cheese and teeny-weenies.

Sweet mama, that's good.

You're hired.

All right, but I'm going to need a cr*ck staff

behind me who are highly skilled.

This is my cr*ck staff?

It's all I could find on a moment's notice.

Now, hurry.

The food critic is out there

And he's expecting a -star meal.

And he'll get it,

Even if I have to work everyone in this room

until they're a quivering puddle of sweat.

I thought I was being invited to a party.

You are. Now put your party hat on.

Oh, look. I'm a lamp shade.

Ok, people, let's get started.

Maddie, chop onions.

And if you're not crying, you're not trying.

London, boil some water.

How do I know when it's boiling?

When you put your hand in and yell "Ow."

Carey--

Ok, mom.

I'm going to play to your strengths here.

You want me to sing?

You're in charge of washing dishes.

Can I sing while I'm washing?

- Quietly. - Ok.

What do I do, chief?

Stuff the chicken with vegetables.

What if she doesn't like vegetables?

She's dead.

That'll make it easier.

The critic wants to order.

What should I do?

What should I do?!

What should he do?

What should he do?!

Ask him what he wants to eat.

And make sure it's the chicken Paolo.

That's my best dish.

All right, everybody. Bring it in.

Time is of the essence.

Do just as I say.

We need to be a well-oiled machine.

Yes, sir!

And break!

Hot, hot, hot!

Hello, again.

Or should I say howdy?

May I recommend the chicken Paolo?

Thanks. I'll have the seafood medley.

Good.

Excellent choice.

Although not as good as the chicken Paolo--

which, by the way, is the specialty of our chef Paolo.

That's just fascinating.

But I had chicken for lunch.

But not the chicken Paolo!

which is so delicious,

chickens are lining up at the door

just to be made into it.

Then why don't you eat it?

And bring me my dang seafood medley.

One dang seafood medley coming up.

Please don't hurt me.

Needs salt.

Needs pepper.

This is terrible.

It's dishwater.

Needs soap.

This is so gross.

And it's taking forever.

That's because you're cutting with a spoon.

Moseby won't let me use knives.

Don't ask.

The critic insists on the seafood medley.

Oh! Oh! Oh! No.

Yes.

All right, people,

Drop what you're doing.

Mama mia-- I didn't mean it literally.

Chef Paolo would never stand for this.

Chef Paolo isn't here.

True. But he said I'm just like him...

Except not as good-looking,

Which, frankly, I don't get.

All right, seafood medley.

Zack, go to the t*nk and get me two lobsters.

I'll go get my bathing suit.

Just reach in and grab them.

Ah, that's no fun.

London, peel and de-vain the shrimp.

Right. What does that mean?

London, tell Maddie to peel

and de-vain the shrimp.

Patrick...

We need to stall for time.

Take the salad cart out,

and make the critic a salad.

- I can't. - Why not?

He scares me.

Besides, Garry and Richard

are the only waiters who can do table-side service.

London!

Get Garry and get Rich.

I'm already rich.

Just get the waiters!

Sorry, Rich.

Guess you better get Garry.

I'll do it.

That was the in door.

You have to go through the out door like this.

I'm guessing that was Gary.

Yes! And right now

I am jealous of both of them.

Can't you people do anything right?

Maddie, London, get out there

and toss the salad.

At who?

Oh, come on.

Squingili!

What else can go wrong?

Get it off! Get it off!

Get it off! Get it off!

Zack, stop kidding around!

I asked you for two lobsters.

Happy?

Thank you for your patience.

Your meal is on its way.

That's what you get for ordering extra cheese.

Please forgive my girlish shriek.

What are you doing?

We're making the famous

Tipton spinning salad bowl

As we have done a thousand times before.

We have?

Yes. London, lettuce.

Let us what?

The green stuff....

You are going to love it. It's so good.

I'll be right with you.

Bon appetit.

Well, that was a disaster.

Great. More incompetence.

Speaking of which,

where's Zack with the squid?

Get it off, get it off!

Thank goodness it didn't squirt me with ink.

Oh, gross, it got me in the eye.

Good!

People!

Get back to your posts!

I'm not paying you to stand around.

You're not paying us at all.

I'm turning in my spatula.

That's a ladle.

Oh, yeah? Well, let see if you recognize this.

It's me leaving.

Right. And this is me...

What are you doing?

Leaving.

Leaving.

Ditto.

Fine. I don't need them.

I am chef Paolo.

I mean chef Cody.

Uh, chef Cody, your food is on fire.

Not my baby!

No!

My poor seafood medley.

It's seafood deadly, now.

Who needs stars?

We'll just become a truck stop.

I hear that truckers are lovely people,

and generous tippers.

I really wanted those stars!

Me too.

Then you shouldn't have mistreated

the people who were trying to help you.

I was just trying to be like chef Paolo.

How's that working out for you?

Not great.

Just because you're good at something

doesn't give you the right to be mean.

Ok. I guess I was sort of a jerk.

- Sort of? - Try big jerk.

Giant jerk.

Picture the biggest jerk in the world,

and you're bigger than him.

I don't want to alarm you,

But the critic just sent out for a pizza.

I'm ruined!

Ok, everybody, I'm really sorry.

Will you all please help me

to get Moseby his stars?

- Ok - Fine

All right, one seafood medley coming up!

Your seafood medley just swam in.

Well, it's about time.

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

There's a hoedown in my mouth.

Yee-haw!

Excuse me. I'm starving.

Could I have a little taste of that?

So are you going to give us a good review?

I'll tell all the folks I know,

If that's what you mean.

Wait a minute. Aren't you the critic?

Actually, I'm the critic.

And I'm going to give this place such a bad review,

people will pay not to eat here.

Oh,please, Mr Bernaise

The truth is our chef and his staff quit,

So everyone pitched in to try and make you--

Well, actually it was him,

But it should have been you--

a great meal.

Please, Mr critic,

We all did the best that we could.

Don't care. All I care about is the food.

Since I didn't get any, I'd say--

Holy mackerel, that's yummy.

So are you going to give us a good review?

After this terrible service? No.

It's not my fault.

No matter what daddy says.

But I am going to give you another chance.

Oh, thank--so-- thank you!

Sorry...

Everyone say thank you.

Thank you! Thank you!

And we guarantee you a perfect meal.

Better make sure they're all perfect,

Because you're never going to recognize me.

But you're not wearing a disguise right now.

That's what you think.

I want to thank you for giving

chef Paolo another chance.

There's no need to grovel.

I have no doubt my steak a la Paolo

will meet your very high standards.

Looks, good, huh, stickums?

That's it! I'm a-quit again!

Chef Paolo, we need you.