02x27 - Ah! Wildness

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Suite Life of Zack & Cody". Aired: March 18, 2005 - September 1, 2008.*
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Comedy centered around twin brothers Zack & Cody living at the Tipton Hotel with their single mother who is a lounge singer.
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02x27 - Ah! Wildness

Post by bunniefuu »

Yo, starting
a grizzly scout troop

Was a great idea.

One of my better ones.

You boys look
so cute.

We're not cute.
We're grizzly scouts.

We can survive
anything.

[click]
all: Oh! Oh, god!

Hey, zack!
Are you coming?

Zack: Are you done
taking pictures?

Yes.

Wow. No one said
you could dress cool.

You can't.
This is not regulation.

We haven't even had
our first meeting yet,

And you're already
breaking the rules?

Look.

I didn't join up just to follow
a bunch of dopey rules.

I joined
so I could tie knots,

Climb things,
and start campfires.

Basically all the stuff
you do in my lobby.

Mr. Moseby, it was
so nice of you

To volunteer
to be troop leader.

Well...

A little discipline
wouldn't hurt them.

Plus, I was a grizzly
scout myself once.

It turned me
into the macho man
I am today.

[click]
all: Oh! Ow!

Carey, I can't
see anything now.

Aww.

Ahem. Attention!

Mmm...Very good.

[chuckling]

Don't eyeball me, son!

These shorts need to be
inches longer.

Would that make them
regulation, sir?

No, your knees
just creep me out.

Aaiiyee!

I don't believe...

The grizzly scout motto
is "bikini inspector".

It is if you're camping
at fort lauderdale.

[laughing]

[whoosh]

I'm watching you.

Gentlemen, have a seat.

Excuse me, sir.

According to paragraph
a, section b,

We're supposed
to start this meeting
by reciting

The grizzly scout
secret oath.

We should recite
the...

Secret oath.

Oh! Oh! No moms.
Got it, right.

Sorry. Smile!
[click]

All: Ow! Oh! Come on!
Carey!

All right,
gentlemen, stand up!

[together]
I promise to do my best,

To be honest, helpful,

Resourceful, upright,

And to be morally sound
of mind and body.

...And body.

Ah. Committing
the oath to memory?

No. I'm looking
for loopholes.

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ guess we have
a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me, we got
the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me,
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Hey, maddie, do you
have any spa brochures?

Oh, yeah.
They're right here.

The boys are going away
for days,

And I thought I'd take
a little r&r.

I heard they're going
to the wilderness

With mr. Moseby.

Aren't you worried?

Extremely.
What do you think
is better,

Swedish or thai massage?

Don't ask me.

The closest thing
I've ever gotten
to a massage

Is when my school bus
went over a huge pothole.

London. Massage.
Swedish or thai?

Neither. Shiatsu
with deep tissue
work.

Ask for veronica.
Veronica.

Oh, no.
Not veronica?

No! No oneiff.
I should ask should ask
for cliff? For cliff.

I used to go out
with that loser.

I don't ever want
to see him again.

Oh. Well,
veronica it is, then.

Ok...

Hi.

Hi.

Did I just see
london tipton?

No. Left town.
Gone. Vamoosed.

Good. 'cause...

I'm meeting my parents
here for lunch,

And I do not want
to run into her.

Well, all you've got is me.

Good. That's an
improvement already.

[giggles]

[elevator dings]

All right, gentlemen.

Follow me!

Boys: Oh! Ow!

I meant one at a time.

We're out, sir.

Hey, guys. Good luck.

Have fun
on your little camping trip.

This is no picnic,
ma'am.

It's a tough,
macho journey

Into the deep,
dark unknown.

Taxi!

All right, gentlemen.

This is where
we will set up
our campsite.

Why here?

Well, isn't it obvious?

It's flat, dry,
and high up.

Isn't that right, mr. Moseby?

No, I'm just too tired
to take another step.

Works for me.

Me, too.
I'm hungry.

Well, then,

Why don't you eat
another one of your
grizzly bars?

Oh, I ate
all of those
on the way up.

Here. You can have
one of mine.

I ate all
of yours, too.

What?

Come on, that's not
very fair--

Aww, calm down--

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
please, please!

We have enough food in here
to last us weeks.

Including a campfire
bundt cake.

So, when are we
gonna build a fire,

Make bows and arrows,

And swing from vines?

Not until we are
properly prepared.

First, we need
to dig a trench

Around our campsite.
Hmm?

You mean,
to go potty?

I'm thinking
I'm just gonna
hold it in.

No, guys. It's in case
it rains.

The trench
will drain the water away
from the campsite.

Cody, you are a natural.

I am promoting you

From teddy bear
trooper

To koala bear
trooper.

Thank you, sir.

I'm so proud
I can hardly bear it.

[laughing]

Wow, tough forest.

Ahh...

Boy, your knots
have got knots.

It's called having
twin boys.

They're away
for the whole week,

And I miss 'em
terribly.
Ohh...

[knocking]
oh, no,
they're back!

Carey, I'm sorry.
But I've got
a big problem.

Cliff parks
asked me out.

He's smart,
he's handsome,
and he's rich.

Wow, that is a problem.

Does he have a brother?

Is he a brother?

No, no.
The problem is

He dated london
years ago.

Wait, is this the guy
she was running away from

In the lobby?
Yes.

Oh. Well, years
is a long time.

Go with my blessing.

Aw, thanks carey.

Oh, could you
loan me something
to wear?

Sure. Oh, that feels
so good.

The date's
in minutes.

I'll be right back.

Fine by me.

I get paid
whether you're here
or not.

Scoutmaster moseby!

Yes, trooper cody?

Look what I found.

A wildiferus florididae.
Ooh.

It's very rare.
And it has a wonderful bloom

That will dress up
any campsite.

Mm. Good work, cody.

You just earned
your pansy badge.

Ooh! Good job!

Remember to put it next
to your petunia pin.

You know,
my maple leaf...
[sniffs]

Actually smells
like maple.

I don't understand
why my oak leaf

Doesn't smell like oak.

That's because
it's poison oak.

That would explain
the itching.

Don't worry,
I have medicine for that.

And one more thing,
it is critical
that you don't--

What?

Touch anyone.

Right.

Cody: Oh, no!

We've been ransacked
by a bear!

Yeah. A bear
with the feet
of a raccoon.

Oh, no!

We've been ransacked
by a bearcoon!

Oh, yes, these are
raccoon tracks.

Good work,
trooper zack.

Learn that?

Tv.

They dragged off
all our food.

What? That's terrible.

That duffel bag was part
of a matching set.

Way to focus
on the real problem.

Cody, didn't I ask you

To tie a rope
around our food

And hang it from a tree?

Yes. But as a ranking
koala bear,

I decided to delegate it
to an underbear.

So I told bob to do it.

And I told ward to do it.

And I forgot to do it.

Great...

Now we'll all go hungry.

I need to eat.

I have an athlete's
metabolism.

Relax, shaq.

We'll hunt and fish
for our food.

We'll live like
real scouts.

I like your attitude,
trooper zack.

When the going gets tough,
the tough go fishing.

I hate fish.

You would be surprised
at how wonderful they taste

When you're starving!

Now find the fishing poles,
men!

[cr*ck]

Found 'em.

That was nice of you
to help out that
young girl before.

Well, I think
of maddie

Like a younger sister,
and there's nothing

I wouldn't do
for her.

Ohh...
[knocking]

Oh, what does she want
now?

Do you know
what maddie did
to me?

No. But I have
a funny feeling

You're gonna tell me.

She stole
my boyfriend.

I just saw her walk
out of the hotel

And they were
holding hands.

Boo me.

I'll be over here.

But--
[sighs]

I can't believe
maddie would
do this.

Well, carey,
you've obviously

Had a lot of men
stolen from you.

What do you do?

Ok.

First of all, I have not
had a lot of men

Stolen from--

Ok, here's what you do.

You let it go.
Besides, I thought you said

You didn't even like
this guy.

Well, I only said that
because he broke up
with me.

Oh, I see.
You still have feelings
for him.

Yes.

And I'm a very
sensitive girl.

And now I'm gonna
destroy maddie.

Or......

Next time you see maddie,

You could just tell her
how you feel.

I'm sure she'll understand.

No, I'd rather
just destroy her.

But the--ohh!

Ok, veronica,
I've got some new knots
for you.

Where are you going?

Your time's up.

Wow, that's a lot
of money.

Tipton employee
discount?

I don't think so.

Ok. Now, I realize

Last night's dinner
was a little disappointing.

It was soup
made out of tree bark.

Ok.

Look. This morning,
I have whipped up

A little breakfast tea

Made from herbs found
in the forest.

How's it taste?

Not bad. A little herby,
but--

Oh!
What's that?

Uh-oh. The raccoons
are back.

Or a wolf
with raccoons.

They formed
a g*ng.

Run for your life!

Oh! Cody.

Cody, grizzly scouts
do not panic!

They remain calm
in the face
of adversity.

They don't run from
nature, they don't
fight nature,

They embrace nature!

[tarzan-esque yelling]

Sorry I'm late.
I took the wrong vine.

Hah?

Oh, my.

Unbelievable.

Wow. How'd you manage
to catch all those fish?

I wrestled them
from a bear.

Really?
No. I'm good.

But not that good!

Good work,
trooper zack.

I must say,
I misjudged you.

I am promoting
you to panda!

But, that's higher
than koala!

He's earned it.

Cool. Does that come
with anything?

A sense of pride
and accomplishment.

Got anything else?

Wow!
Way to go!

Congratulations,
you're a panda now.

[humming]

Towels, lady?

Sorry, didn't hear you
come in.

Was too busy setting up
my painting supplies.

The boys are out of town.

You know, I used to paint
all the time, then
the twins were born,

I had to set it aside.
I kept telling myself

I'd get back to it
next week or
the week after that,


But I never did. Oh well.

Better late than never,
though, right?

Towels, lady?

London is telling
everyone I stole
her boyfriend

And now no one
is talking to me.

I mean, she doesn't
even like him.

Before she knew I was dating
him, she called him a loser.

Well, he is not a loser.
You want to see a loser?

Just look at any guy I've
dated in the last years.

There's a loser for ya!

Don't let
this face fool you.

I really care.

Maddie, the truth is,
london still has
feelings for this boy.

How do you know?

Uh... Woman's intuition?

Look, do you want me
to talk to her for you?

No, I'd rather you
not get involved.

Good. So you're going
to talk to her?

Oh, not after what
she wrote about me
in her blog.

You wanna hear?
Not really.

Ok, I have it
on my cell phone.

"maddie... Is the...

"big--" sorry,
small screen, big font.

"--gest, most a...
Noying..."

I don't know why
we have to hunt
for food.

Zack will just
swing in on a vine,

Carrying a bucket
of fried chicken.

Well, maybe we can
find something good

And be heroes, too.

Why does zack get
all the glory?

Hey, these blueberries
are pretty good.

Mm.

Uh, that "blueberry"
had eyes and legs.

[choking]

Uh-oh. I think
it's crawling back
up my throat.

[screams]

Mr. Moseby!

Ok.

Wow.

Hey there, young fella.

Hi. Do you
live here?

Yep. For a long time now.

Are you one of those
survivalist guys?

No, I just moved out here
to meet women.

There are no women
out here.

T
my real estate agent said.

Want some strawberries?

No, it wouldn't
be right.

See, my fellow
grizzlies and I

Are supposed to live
off the land.

And the food that
my show-off brother
keeps "finding."

Yeah, I've got
a brother, too.

He's got a -story cabin,
and it's loaded with babes.

I wonder who
his real estate agent is.

Listen, you sure
you don't want

Some of these
strawberries with

Maybe a little
whipped cream on 'em?

No, I can't.

I swore to follow
the rules.

Finding food is
supposed to be
a challenge.

Ok. I'll just put it
way up here.

"man...
Steal..

"er..."

And that was just
the beginning.

There's a part
in the middle
here somewhere.

Scrolling,
scrolling.
Ok, honey,

Honey, honey, honey.

If you're gonna read to me,
can you at least pose?

I didn't know
you paint.

I haven't yet.

Well, I ruined her.

I told everyone
maddie stole
my boyfriend

And she started
global farming.

It's global warming.

And I recycle!
Grr!

Yeah, recycle
boyfriends!

You greedy
man-stealer,

Type-person-
thing!

Oh, don't make me
use this!

Don't make me
use this!

You said you didn't
want cliff any more.

Well, sometimes
I lie, ok?

But only because
it's hard for me
to show my feelings.

U get
that line of baloney?

From carey.

And why would
you think it's ok
to move in on cliff?

Because the statute
of limitations had run out.

And where'd
you get that?

From carey!

What a minute.
You were having
secret meetings

With her?

Yes! She's the one
who told me

That if you've been broken up
for years, it's ok.

Did you say that?

I can't believe
you would play

The of us
against each other
like that, carey.

I didn't know that
when I gave her
the advice!

But you never told me
after you knew

But--
I thought I could
trust you.

Now we know better.

Right.

Let's go.

Where's the maid
with the towels
when I need her?

That's not
a very big fish
for people.

Sorry, guys.
It's the only one
I caught today.

Bob ate all my bait.

I thought those were
gummy worms.

Remember, gentlemen,

A grizzly scout always
remains optimistic.

Maybe cody
found some food.

Oh, get real.
We're doomed!

[tarzan-esque yelling]

What are you guys
looking at?

Aah!
Aah!

What? I was just
out looking for food.

I'm not much of a swinger,
but I'm a good hunter-gatherer!

Oh! Look at that!

Well done, trooper cody,
well done.

Where'd you get
all the food?

In the wild. You just
have to know how to find it.

Wow. Can you
show us where?

Uh, I picked it all.

Where'd you get
the basket?

Huh? Oh, uh, I wove it.
Out of...

Branches and vines.
Yeah.

But how come it-
no, no, no!

Don't ask questions.
The grizzly code of silence.

I gotta hand it to you.

I thought you were just
a scout up here.

Turns oure.

I've always been
a scout here.

Oh, boy. Ok.

There you go.

Hop on up,
big fellow.

Zack, move over.

This dinner is
in honor of cody.

Let him sit on
the soft stump.

All:
To cody!

Hi, cody!

Hi, merle!
Uh, if that is your name.

You forgot your canteen
at my cabin.

I filled it up
with your favorite
juice. Peach mango.

Who's
the geezer?

I am not a geezer.

I'm a colorful
outdoorsman.

You call me
a geezer again,

I won't let you watch
the red sox game

On my big screen tv.

You have a big screen tv?

Yeah, in my cabin.
It's also make your
own burrito night.

I keep hoping
women will show up.

I can't believe you pretended
to find this food in the wild.

Trooper cody, I'm going
to have to strip you
of your koala status.

Right after make
your own burrito night.

Let's go, muchachos!

Hey. Aren't you coming?

No. I don't deserve burritos.
I cheated.

I'm a bad grizzly scout.

Yeah, I know.
Why'd you do it?

Why?

Because you're
mr. Jungle guy,

Swinging from vines
and bringing home fish.

And I'm just an egghead
nerd who's afraid
of a bearcoon.

So you were jealous of me.

Well, you did so well
in the woods,

And I did nothing
but cheat.

Man, you're hard on yourself.

You know, I never would have
found out what kind
of camper I was

Unless you started
this troop.

Good point.

So, when I screw up,
I move on.

Forgive and forget,
that's my motto.

Come on.
Let's get some burritos
at merle's cabin.

Forget burritos.
I hear merle's brother

Has a cabin with babes!

Mom! We're home!

"boys. Maddie will
baby-sit for
the next few days.

I'm out of town.
Love, mom."

Out of town?
Where would she go?

Oh, that's it.
Hold that pose!

You know, I haven't gotten
a kiss from a woman

In a long time.

And you're not gonna.

Oh, ok.

Works for me.
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