02x28 - Birdman Of Boston

[bunniefuu]

Oh. What's going on?

There's something
circling the hotel.

I think it's
a hang glider.

Get real.
It's a flying saucer.

Don't be ridiculous.

If it were a flying saucer,
we'd all be vaporized.

Pish posh.

It's clearly a kite.

[shrieking]

[splat]

No. A kite
wouldn't do that.

A flying saucer might.

Oh!

Ife ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

This watering-plants-
for-people-who-are-
on-vacation thing is easy.

Easy for you.
You're planted on the couch.

Ooh! And how are you today?

Is that a new leaf?

When mommy london gets back,
she'll be so proud of you.

What are you doing?

Talking to the plants.

I'm sure they'll ignore you.
Just like I do.

[shrieking]

Oh, my gosh.

Zack, come here.

Whoa. This must be the bird
that nailed moseby.

Both: Way to go, dude.

I've never seen
an eagle before.

And you still haven't.

This is a hawk.

Although indigenous
to the wild,

When civilization
encroached,
they learned to adapt,

Nesting in high buildings
which replicate their
natural habitat.

Where did you learn
so much about this?

We studied this
in school last semester.

Remember?

School.

[shrieking]

Relax.

She's just feathering
her nest with london's
pink pashmina.

I don't know
what scares me more--

That hawk

Or the fact that you know
what a pashmina is.

Patrick.

Mr. Moseby.
Joining us for dinner?

Might I suggest
the duck a la splat.

Oh, you heard, huh?

Or the chicken bombay.

A little bird told me.

It's...It's very funny.

Keep it up, and the next
restaurant you work at

You'll be wearing
a paper hat.

Ok, ok, I'm done.
That last one was cheap.

Cheap-cheap.

Oh, would you...

D--

All right, let's get
the bouquet in there

Before carey
starts to sing.

Grace, will you marry me?

Oh, my gosh, tim.

Yes.

She said yes.

She said yes.

♪ amazing grace ♪

♪ how sweet the sound ♪

♪ that saved a wretch ♪

♪ like tim ♪

♪ he once ♪

[shrieking]

That's the bird
that soiled my suit.

That hawk is a beautiful
creature of nature.

It lives in the wild,
but its soul is gentle.

Duck!

Oh!
Oh!
Oh!

That bird flew off
with my engagement ring.

That ring cost me
a month's salary.

A month?

Ooh. Yeah. Rule of thumb
is at least months salary

On an engagement ring.

months? For a plasma tv
maybe. But a ring?

That's it. The wedding
is off, cheapskate.

What? Honey.
Honey, wait.

And that's why.

Aah!

That bird
ruined the proposal.

I'm still getting
paid, though, right?

Oh, you know--
everyone just keep calm.

Keep calm.
Oh, look out!

Not on my head.

I just had it blown out.

Ok, don't push.
Single file. Single file.

[shrieking]

Ok, all at once.
All at once.

This is it.

Don't you dare
hit that bird.

It's a poor,
defenseless creature.

Who nearly ripped
your arm out of its socket.

Now, that bird has to go.

How can you tell
from down here?

That wicked beast
just landed on
the penthouse balcony.

Well, it is not
checking in to the tipton.

Starting right now
it is bye-bye birdie.

Ooh, I love that musical.

Oh, they're on the phone,
and they're in the boxes.

The hawk is back.

Where has it been?

I don't know. What am I
supposed to do, ask her?

Why not?
You talk to plants.

Ooh. Camera.

We can record this
for science.

Yep.

And if we put it
on the internet,

We can make money off it.

Yep.

And we can donate that money

To a charity that saves hawks.

Uh...Yep.

All right, where is it?

Where is it?

Aha!

There he is.

Just sitting there
befouling my hotel.

It's not a he.
It's a she.

And she's not sitting.
She's nesting.
She's gonna have a baby.

Not in my hotel.

That bird needs
to check out pronto.

You can't move her.
It's wrong.

It's wr--ha!

Look who's talking.
The president
and vice president

Of the do everything wrong
association of america.

If you do anything
to frighten or harm that bird--

You'll what?

We'll report you

To the t.G.A.T.P.P.W.S.H.A.

Both: The what?

The government agency

That punishes people
who scare hawks away.

Oh, yeah.

They play rough.

You and I both know
there's no such agency.

But there is a mr. Tipton,

And he loves things
that are wild.

N
and tell him everything.

He has homes
in countries.
You

Madrid.
It was in today's paper.

You don't have
his phone number.

He was on
london's speed dial.

You don't have the nerve.

We climbed stories
up a laundry chute.

We got nothing but nerve.

All right.
I will get both of you.

And your little hawk, too.

Oh, my--

Arwin hawkhauser
reporting for duty, sir.

You have a mission for me?

I just got off
the phone with--
arwin, put it down.

I just got off the phone
with mr. Tipton

Regarding this hawk
that has taken up
residence at our hotel.

In high school,
my nickname was the hawk.

Really?

No.

I did try to get
that going, though.

Actually, they...They
called me nose picker.

Oh.

You pick one nostril
in second grade,
and they label you for life.

Oh, no.

You know, in retrospect,

Maybe the problem was,
it wasn't my nose.

I just felt so bad
for her. You know?

You can pick your nose.
You can pick your friends.

But you cannot pick
your friend's nose.

Oh, would you stop!

Now, I have discussed it
with mr. Tipton.

He loved my idea of humanely
capturing the hawk

And then releasing her
into the wild

So she can poop
with wild abandon

On all those
tree-hugging nature lovers.

Well, you picked
the right man for the job.

I'm cunning and stealthy.

It's funny. My other
nickname was klutz.

So...

Now, arwin, are you sure
this invention of yours
is going to work?

I'm positive. Positive.

I've tested it out
and it worked every time.

Here. Look.
[clears throat]

A gentle blast of air
launches these tennis balls

Which carry the net
to its target,

Thus encircling it
and rendering it
incapable of flight.

Hmm.

Now, what's
the red light--

No, don't touch that!

Whew. I put it there
to look cool.

Just get on with it
before the twins come.

Gotcha. And don't
worry about a thing.
It's a piece of cake.

[cawing]

Holy pterodactyl.

It's not exactly
a parakeet, is it?

Oh, no.
It's a pair of claws.

Ok. Here we go.

Hello, hawk.

Here, hawky hawky hawky.

Here, hawky hawky
hawky hawky hawky.

Pay no attention to the man
with the net launcher.

, , .

[click]

So how you doing?

Just relax.
Everything's cool.

It's all right.

, , .

[click]

Darn it.

Stupid light.

Hey.

Hmm?

If you're here to watch
london's big-screen tv,
we've got dibs.

Wait a minute.

Why is arwin
out on the balcony?

Calm down. Now, I have
talked to mr. Tipton,

And we have
agreed to capture
your precious bird

And set it free

Far, far away
from my hotel.

But she's already free.
And I don't want you
hurting her.

Relax. Arwin has
everything under control.

I'm hit! I'm hit!
Don't come out here!

Look. She took off.

Oh. She's frightened.

But this is splendid.

Now she will find
another home,

And she can lay
her egg there.

Except she's already
laid her egg here.

Don't stare.
You'll scare the egg away.

Well, what if
she doesn't come back?

Who's gonna hatch her egg?

I will.

Ok. But I'd
squat really low

'cause it can get
pretty windy up there.

Ok, I brought a blanket
and a hot water bottle.

No. Don't you know anything
about mothering?

Apparently not.

If you touch the egg, it will
get the human scent on it,

And the mother
will never come back.

Let me at it.

Well, how long
can it survive
without being kept warm?

Not much longer.

Oh, this is great stuff
for our web site.

You know, I missed
that last exchange

Where mr. Moseby tried
to scramble the egg.

So can you guys
reenact it?

And this time, cody,
don't be afraid
to tear up a little.

And go.

Is the mother back yet?

No.

Don't worry.
I made this sling
to help cradle the egg

And keep it
at hawk temperature.

How do you take
a hawk's temperature?

Very carefully.

Are you sure
you wanna do this?

Yes. I have to.

Hey, I felt it move.

The chick moved
inside the egg.

There's life in me.

Maddie, what
have you got

That's full of fat, sugar,
chocolate, and peanuts?

My aunt bessie.

I'd rather have
a candy bar.

Rough day at school?

Yeah, and it's
all cody's fault.

Why? Is everybody
making fun of you

Because your twin brother
is hatching an egg?

Oh, no. All the girls
are going ga-ga over him,

And none of them
will talk to me.

Really, ladies.
I could have carried
my own books.

Oh, but we wanted to.

For the sake of the baby.

You see?

You're both so sweet.

Oh, you're
the one who's sweet.

Really sweet.

Where did you learn
to be so sweet and kind

And caring?

Yes. Where?

From me.

You know, cody used to be
all mean and macho

Until one day I came up
to him and said,

"hey, dude, stop it."

See you
in the morning, cody.

We'll walk you
to school.

I'll bring along
some breakfast.

Anything but eggs, ok?

It just wouldn't
seem right because of--

The baby.

Uh, reality check, girls.
It's not a baby.

It's a bird,
with a beak and claws.

Just once, once,

Could you back me up
on the sensitive guy thing?

Hey, watch it.

I'm with child.

Can you make it
do something?

It's an egg.

What do you want it to do,
stupid egg tricks?

Can it?

He's going to love it.

Cody, I made something
that is gonna help you
bond with the baby.

Cody, for the record,
I am all in favor
of what you're doing here,

But this time
I think arwin's gone
a little too far.

This is not
going too far.

Way to go, arwin.

Now bubba will
relate to other hawks
instead of humans.

Caw! Caw! Caw!

Cody, I have
always looked forward
to becoming a grandma.

Of course I thought
you'd be older and married

And your baby
would be human.

This is nice, too.

What's wrong? Oh.

My egg. I think
it's...It's opening.

My water broke.
Oh, my gosh!
I'm giving birth!

Ok, easy. Breathe.

Ok, now, uh...
Now, push.

Push what?

I don't know.
I saw it in a movie.

This is beautiful.
Arwin: I know.

The miracle of birth.

No. I'm talking about how
much money we're gonna make.

For the save
the hawk foundation.

Oh, it's coming.
It's coming.

[cawing]

The baby's here.

And he's gonna be
a big star.

I don't care.

As long as he has
talons on each foot,

I don't care.

Madeline, I want you
to know that I appreciate

That you have put
your feelings about
this hawk matter aside

And are conducting yourself
in a professional manner.

Well, I am your employee,
and so I owe you my loyalty.

[beeping]

But now it's : .

I'm off duty,
and I owe you nothing.

Tipton hates hawks!
Tipton hates hawks!

Madeline, would you--

Maddie!

Ooh!

You cannot parade
around here with that sign.

As a citizen of these
United States of america--

Whose proud symbol
is the bald eagle,
best friend to the hawk--

I have a right
to express myself freely.

As do I.
And as maitre d',

I demand the immediate
removal of that baby hawk

Before it presents
a real danger

To life, liberty,
and my daily special.

Bird hater!

Bird hugger!

Both of you
need to calm down.

I talked to the zoo,

And they're willing
to take the baby hawk
as an honored guest.

Brilliant solution.
Everyone's happy.

I know cody,

And he'll never put
his baby in a cage.

Oh, well, maybe the zoo
will also take the twins.

O happy day!

Are you gonna
feed bubba now?

'cause I wanna
get that on tape.

Yeah.

Is that a new camera?

Top of the line.

Palm-sized.

How did you afford that?

Well, I just dipped
into the save the hawk
foundation a little bit.

Wait a minute.

All that money was
supposed to go to the save
the hawk foundation.

My save the hawk foundation.

Zack.

Ok, ok.

I'll give %
to a real hawk charity.

?

Fine. %.

?

A hundred percent.

But that's as high as I'll go.

Ah. Cody, I believe I have
come up with a solution

That will make
both of us happy.

I have arranged
with the zoo

To take young bubba
off your hands.

But I don't want
bubba off my hands.

Bubba and I are
doing just fine.

I'm gonna teach him
how to fly.

Can't wait to see
that test flight.

And then I'm going
to release him
into the wild.

Hawks live longer
in captivity.

They do?

Oh, yes.
By several years.

I didn't know that.

And you can
visit him every day.

That would be nice.

But I think bubba would
be happier in the wild.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to feed bubba
his filet mignon,

Charred on top
and pink in the middle.

Yes. Just the way
they prepare it in the wild.

Carey: Wow.
Bubba's really grown.

Well, he's big for his age.

Has he been flapping
his wings much?

More and more each day.

It won't be long
until I take him to the zoo.

Zoo?

Well, you know, hawks
live longer in captivity.

There are no hunters,

And he'll get
square mice a day.

Yeah, but he'll get 'em
through a metal slot
in a door, hon.

But I'll get to visit bubba
whenever I want.

Wouldn't that be great?

I guess. What happened
to letting him go?

You don't think bubba
has what it takes
to make it out there?

Shh. He'll hear you.
He's got ears like a hawk.

Did I ever tell you
about the day I left home?

Oh, no. This isn't one
of those boyfriend
stories again, is it?

No. Not this time.

I was and I was
gonna leave home.

Come?

Well, I joined
a rock band that my...

Boyfriend started.

That's not the point.

I asked my mom if she
was sad that I was leaving,

And she said she was, but--

But what?

But she also said
that my leaving home

Meant that
she'd done the work
that she was meant to do.

She raised me
so I could stand on my own.

I see.

Cody, you've done
a terrific job.

Bubba's getting ready
to stand on his own.

It would be nice
to go visit him in a zoo,

But it's also nice
to let him have his freedom.

What if he
doesn't make it?

That's a chance
my mother took with me.

It's a chance I'm gonna take
with you and zack someday.

So it's also a chance you can
take with bubba if you want.

And all along,

I've been telling people
a hawk's a wild thing

And you have to be
willing to let it go.

Boy, I am so bogus.

You're not bogus.

You're just a worried mother.

Thanks.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe next year bubba will
come back and build his nest.

If he finds
a girlfriend, that is.

Oh, he'll find one.

He's very good-looking,
and he has a great
personality.

[cawing]

Uh-oh. The wind
is picking up.

Bubba seems
to like that.

Go ahead, bubba. It's ok.

You were meant to fly.
You'll like it.

Bacand visit grandma.

[shrieking]

Oh.

Look at him go.

He's so beautiful.

Mom, when you left,
did your mother cry?

Only after I was gone.

The tipton hates hawks!
The tipton--

Madeline, please.

Look, a zoo isn't so bad.

Then why aren't
you living in one?

I am.

This issue is settled.

That bird is checking out
of the tipton and into the zoo.

[shrieking]

No, he's not.

But cody promised.

Isn't he beautiful?

[shrieking]

I have to admit.

He is rather magnificent.

And that's why they should
be allowed to fly free.

[splat]

And that's why
I'm running out of suits.