Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Good evening, Mr. Clavin.
How lovely to see you again.
It's a trick, isn't it?
You're gonna hurt me.
Yeah, what's the
story here, Carla?
You've been acting
very strange all evening.
Why? What did I do?
Well, for example, you've
poured me three beers
without once flicking
the foam up my nose.
You haven't even
spit on anybody.
What is it, honey?
Trouble at home?
All right, I'm
gonna tell you guys.
I went to see Madam
Lazora this morning.
Your fortune teller?
Palmist.
Anyway, she told me that
my courtesy to others tonight
could result in
substantial wealth.
Ah. And I'm telling you,
tonight I'm taking no chances.
What, you're not even
going to insult anybody?
Well, not unless I
can do it so subtly
that he doesn't know
he's been insulted.
No, tonight the
bigger jackass a guy is,
the more courteous
I am gonna be.
I'll start with numero uno.
Now, I do hope you'll allow
me the incredible privilege
of serving you a
beer, Mr. Clavin.
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
You're in early
tonight, Frasier.
Yes, I'm meeting
a former colleague,
Dr. Lawrence Crandell,
for a pre-dinner drink.
He's in town on a book tour.
Oh, yeah? He's a writer, huh?
Ooh, I should say so.
He's written a
raging best seller.
You know, if I wasn't
so thoroughly happy
in my own life, I might
even stoop to being
just a bit envious
of a former colleague
who's now so widely successful.
Well, that is if you
measure success
by dollars and cents,
popularity, personal fame.
I'm happy for him.
What's the book about?
Who gives a damn?
Sorry. It's, uh, a
marriage manual.
It's entitled, the, uh,
The Forever Couple:
The Joy of Loving One Person
For the Rest of Your Life.
Ah, science-fiction.
Those usually sell great.
But you know, success
does have its price tag.
He's been away
from his wife, Valerie,
for the better part of a year.
Jeez, you know,
I think I'd go crazy
if I was away from
Lilith for that long.
I don't even like
to think about it.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Well, I do think about it.
I don't enjoy it.
I'm sure not.
Well, I do enjoy it, but...
I'm not proud of the fact.
Frasier.
Larry, good to see you again.
Good to see you.
Have I told you
how thrilled I am
about the success of your book?
Yes, you have.
It's a fabulous book.
You know, I was just thinking
what a wonderful
gift it would make.
Have you read it?
Well, no, I was hoping
someone might give it to me.
Let me get you a drink.
Oh, thanks, black
and white, neat.
Ah, Lawrence,
this is Rebecca Howe.
This is Lawrence Crandell.
How do you do?
Pleased to meet you.
And this is Sam Malone.
Oh, not the Sam Malone?
Oh, you were a hell
of a pitcher. I saw you
strike out Reggie Jackson.
Made him look like a fool.
Oh, well... I can
hardly blame him
for knocking you off the mound
the next time up
with that line drive.
So, uh, Frasier told
me that you've, uh,
been baching it
a long time here.
It must be pretty rough, huh?
Say, why didn't you just
bring Valerie with you?
Well, you know,
she hates to travel.
Besides, we decided
this was a perfect
opportunity to test my theories
about marital fidelity.
And I'm glad to say after
ten months of celibacy,
I can now pronounce
my principle sound.
After ten months of celibacy,
I couldn't even
pronounce my name.
I make it a point to tell
my wife at least once a day,
"You're my world,
you're my life, I love you."
I'll bet my wife would
love to hear those words.
Could you give her a call?
So the book's doing
pretty good, huh?
Yeah, it has been
received rather well.
In fact, this last review is
so embarrassingly good,
I should just wad it
up and throw it away.
But I need several
hundred copies first.
Is there a photocopy
machine around here?
Yeah, Rebecca's
got one in her office.
You don't mind, do you?
No, help yourself.
That's very kind of you.
Any special instructions?
Yes, just push the blue button.
It's right under the sign
that says, "This machine
is for photocopying
documents, not your butt."
All set?
Thanks again.
You're welcome.
Miss Howe, may I
ask you something?
Sure.
I hope you won't take
this the wrong way,
but my field is human
sexual dynamics.
And just now I had the
strangest impression...
Please, tell me if I'm wrong...
That something happened
when you and I were introduced.
I sensed some spark,
some flicker of
response on your part.
Very subtle,
but unmistakable.
Was I imagining that?
I think so.
Well, my mistake.
I'm sure you understand.
Of course.
You-You-You are aware I
wasn't being judgmental?
Of course.
It's the response itself
that interested me.
Purely as a scientist.
And you are quite sure
that on some very basic level,
you didn't experience
an undeniable attraction?
Positive.
Well, I'm glad we
cleared that up.
Still, I can't keep
from wondering...
whether your subconscious
may not be trying
to tell us something.
I swear to you, Dr. Crandell...
I mean, when I hear
such facile denial,
it always sets off a
little alarm in my head.
Dr. Crandell.
Call me Lawrence.
Let me make this as
clear as I know how.
There was no attraction
when we met, or since.
I felt nothing.
I feel nothing.
Zero, nada, zip.
Zip.
Interesting unconscious
choice of word.
Try this word: out.
All right, sorry.
Man.
I give up.
You make me crazy with desire.
I can't keep my hands off you!
What do you want?!
Sign these invoices,
and then be gentle.
Why don't you sit
over there, Walter?
You suppose I might trouble
you for two brandies, Miss Howe?
Ask the bartender.
Of course we can help you.
Woody, uh, pour Dr. Crandell
a couple of our house brand.
Two house brands
on the house.
That's very kind of you, Sam.
One seldom gets to sample
a good Nigerian Cognac.
Weren't you kind of
rude to Dr. Crandell?
Was I? Sorry.
Well, what'd he ever do to you?
I don't know.
Nothing. Never mind.
Your hostility was unmistakable.
All right.
The man came on
to me in my office.
Dr. Crandell came on to you?
What'd he do?
Did he touch you?
No, he did not touch me.
Make an indecent proposal?
Of course not.
Comment on your looks,
ask you for a date,
whistle, flash, what?
He asked about my feelings.
The man should be horse whipped!
Rebecca, of course he
asked about your feelings.
I mean, it's his field.
The man is an analyst.
He's written volumes on
human sexual attraction.
Wait, wait, so, uh,
then what happened?
I'll tell you what happened,
Mr. Smarty Pantses.
He... thanked me
politely and he left.
Oh, that doesn't seem
so terrible, does it?
Rebecca, I assure you,
you must have
misunderstood his intentions.
I mean, he's in
love with his wife.
They're the most happily
married couple I know.
Gee, I guess I could
have been wrong.
What if he was just being
psychological or something?
I should apologize to him, huh?
I guess you should.
We'll be in touch.
Dr. Crandell, may I
speak with you a moment?
Of course.
Oh, I want to apologize
to you for having
that conversation and then
me getting a little bit upset.
I hope you don't think me rude.
Oh, of course not.
You answered my
questions honestly
in the spirit in which
they were asked.
So that's the end to that.
Oh, good. Thank you.
That's all right.
You meet someone,
you find him unattractive,
even repulsive, it happens.
Well, I don't think
you're repulsive.
No, no, please.
Don't think you have to
worry about my feelings.
I think you're an
attractive man.
Really, that's very flattering.
As a matter of fact,
I'm really quite awkward and
uncomfortable around women.
As a matter of
fact, the very idea
of my propositioning you
or having an opening line,
or doing something
so blatant as...
Rubbing your foot along my leg?
Exactly.
You're doing that right now.
Oh, goodness. Was that you?
I'm sorry, I thought
it was the table leg.
The supple, quivering table
leg that goes on forever.
A natural mistake.
You're still doing it.
You have a hole in your sock.
Like it?
Dr. Crandell, I want you
to keep your foot
where it belongs.
Ow!
Cheers.
Dr. Crandell?
Telephone.
It's Mrs. Dr. Crandell.
Thank you.
I left the number here.
Hello, honey, my darling!
My reason for living!
Oh, that slime ball hypocrite.
What?! Get-Get over here.
That tears it.
What was that about?
He toed my calf.
What?
Excuse me?
He was rubbing
his foot on my leg.
Well, perhaps he was
just trying to cross his legs
and he accidentally
bumped into you.
What do you
think I am, a nitwit?
I am telling you
that your distinguished,
happily married friend
was coming on to me.
Oh, please.
He was!
Do you realize that you are
impugning the reputation
of a man that literally
wrote the book on
fidelity in marriage.
You've insulted him,
and frankly, you've insulted me.
No, you know, I see
what's going on here.
You know, you just
projected your frustrations
on to somebody else,
because it's been too long
since you had
your tires rotated.
And I am telling
you that he is a lying,
hypocritical sleaze who
needs to be neutered.
Excuse me, Frasier.
I think I better
be moving along.
Somehow I've
antagonized Miss Howe.
Rather than provoke any
further embarrassment,
I think it's best to simply
remove my offending personality.
Oh, Larry, must you?
No, no, Dr. Crandell, please.
Uh, you see, you got
to understand something
about Rebecca here...
She's had a very difficult
past few... life.
I've sensed some
emotional problems there.
It's a pity.
The nerve of that man
saying I have an
emotional problem.
I'd like to meet him in a
dark alley with a cleaver.
Thank you, sir.
No sirs.
While we're together,
you're not a chamber maid,
and I'm not a guest in the hotel.
We're just two vibrant
human beings ready
to snatch a moment's pleasure.
I like the way you talk.
Boy, I've never been
in one of these rooms
without my vacuum
cleaner running.
It's so...
um... quiet.
It is peaceful, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
But you know what's
really amazing about this?
I didn't even realize myself
that I was attracted to you
until you told me you sensed it.
Well,
human behavior is pretty
much an open book to me.
There's nothing I
haven't seen or...
or read, or been told about
or seen pictures of.
Or short films.
Well, bottoms up.
Oh, yes, oh, God, yes.
Oh, no, if they find
me in here, I'll get fired!
Oh, nonsense.
I'll get rid of them.
Hi, it's Miss Howe.
May I come in?
Ordinarily I'd say yes,
but you see, I'm expecting
a colleague any minute.
So you see, it's
really not convenient.
I was just thinking about
something you said,
and I wanted to clarify that.
Terrific. We'll have lunch
tomorrow and clarify away.
That's a great idea,
but you know, I have been
through so much stress
and so much anxiety over this
that I have a terrible,
splitting headache.
Do you have any aspirin?
Aspirin?
Yes, if you give me an aspirin,
I think it'll get rid
of my headache
and then I can
leave you in peace.
Right, aspirin.
Well, I'll try to find it.
Psst!
Get in there.
This is the stupidest
thing I've ever done.
You do nine stupid
things before breakfast.
Now get in that closet.
Now when...
when he admits that
he came on to me,
I want you to leap out
and catch him in the act.
And then we'll prove
once and for all
that he is a lech
and I am not cuckoo.
One thing at a time, Rebecca.
Two aspirin coming up.
Two tablets, buffered.
I hope they go down well.
Bye-bye.
Dr. Crandell,
it's not really why I'm here.
It's not?
No.
Now, I know you came on to me
and you know you came on to me.
But I'm not leaving
here until you admit it.
All right, I admit it, I came
on to you, good night.
Ah-ha.
Ah-ha?
I didn't quite hear that.
Oh, for God's sake,
good night.
Um, please, if you could
just say it a little bit louder
and a little clearer
so that I know that
there's no mistaking it.
All right, if that will
make you happy,
I came on to you,
I came on to you.
You know, I'm
beginning to regret it.
Ah-ha!
Good night, Miss Howe.
You... Sam!
Would you get the
hell out of there?
Sam?
Whoa, boy.
These luxury hotels
have great closets.
Did you hear what he just said?
Uh, no, I'm sorry,
I sort of had
something in my ear.
You had a woman in here!
Uh, as long as we
got that established,
if you need me again,
I'll be back by the shoe rack.
Sam!
Remember our mission?
Now listen to me.
This proves that I am not crazy.
This proves that
he is just a lech.
I can explain.
Miss Johnson is my
executive secretary.
We have a great deal
of dictation together.
Now if you'll excuse us.
You sent for a violinist?
A violinist to do
your dictation?
Come on. Now at least,
for God's sakes,
have the decency
to come clean and
tell Sam the truth.
Oh, all right.
I admit it, it's true.
I've been a very lonely man.
I thought this trip would put
my convictions to the test,
but I'm afraid I
came up lacking.
I'm sorry if I caused
you any pain, Miss Howe.
Well, at least you
finally admitted it.
Yes, I'm glad the truth is out.
At last, no more lying.
No more deceit.
Lawrence? Guess who?
It's my wife! Hide!
I'm not going in a closet.
Oh, come on.
You'll enjoy it. I'll
show you around.
Please, please, you must.
My career is at stake.
So is my marriage.
I've been faithful to
this woman for 15 years.
Mostly because
she's the scariest bitch
you ever want to meet.
Lawrence, you all right?
I am doing this for
your wife, buster.
Uh, Rebecca, I want
you to meet Maria.
Hi, Maria, nice to meet you.
What's your name?
Zol... Hi, I'm Rebecca.
Lawrence?
Yes, coming, coming.
Oh, Valerie. Darling,
what an enormous surprise!
What took you so long
to answer the door?
Well, it's this plush carpet.
I caught my little toe.
What brings you here?
Well, when I spoke
to you on the phone
and I heard the
hunger in that voice,
I couldn't bear to be separated
from you one more minute.
Champagne, Larry?
Oh, yes, they bring
it up every night.
It's a fabulous hotel.
Let's go get something to eat.
You're not dressed.
Well, we'll go someplace casual.
Well, at least put on a coat.
It's cool out.
I'll buy one on
the way. Shall we?
Lawrence, put on a coat.
Right.
Yes, anything you
say, dear. I'll just
go to the closet all by myself.
Get my coat all by myself.
I've never seen
you in that coat.
I just bought it.
If you don't like
it, back it goes.
No, Lawrence, put it on.
Put it on now.
Oh, that tailor.
Well, I'm stopping the
payment on that check!
Oh, I'm famished. Let's go.
Whoever is in that closet,
come out this instant!
All right, I want
an explanation,
and I want it right this minute.
Otherwise, I am
going to divorce him.
I am going to take his money,
and I am going to take his
reputation, and his career.
And after that I am going
to do the same for each
and every one of you.
And believe me, I can do it.
So who is going to come
forth with an explanation?
Um, we, uh, we're all here
to change the lightbulbs.
Mrs. Crandell, I'm
going to tell you the truth.
Because I feel that this
has gone on too long.
And as usual, I have to be
the voice of reason.
Forgive me for saying this,
but if I were in your shoes,
I would want to know.
Your husband came
on to me in a local bar.
Do you mean he
propositioned you?
Well, he didn't
exactly proposition me.
Well, what exactly did he do?
He asked me about my feelings.
That is his field, you know.
That isn't all he did.
He rubbed my leg
with his disgusting foot.
She never gets tired
of telling this part.
Yes, yes, I admit it.
I accidentally brushed up
against her leg with my foot.
I apologized profusely.
He did not have his shoe on.
It was hot in there.
Would you believe
the humiliation?
A hole in my $50 hosiery.
Why you filthy...
Okay, fine, fine.
There is a chambermaid
in the room.
Explain it.
A chambermaid in a hotel?
Will wonders never cease.
You know, actually, we're
going to be running along here.
No, we're not going
to be running along.
All right.
How about the fiddler, huh?
I was lonely.
I was going to have him
play our song all night.
All right, all right.
So have your loving
husband explain
why the four of us
were in that closet.
You were there. You
mean you don't know?
Yes, I know.
Because you are
the scariest bitch
we would ever want to meet.
And you are a little tramp.
Tramp?
Why, I ought to put you...
I'm going to k*ll your husband!
I'm going to k*ll him!
I'm going to k*ll you!
He's stupid, he's a fraud!
He's a psycho! He's a...!
I'm going to hunt you
down and k*ll you like a dog!
And why don't you get yourself
some new socks, buster?!
Um...
Uh, I can explain
everything here.
She just wanted to convince
me that she's not crazy.