04x04 - The School Trip

[bunniefuu]

[Dan] They smell lovely.

Does he smell different?

-From?
-A cooked ham.

Oh, you're funny.

Most of these are beyond
saving I'm afraid, Dan.

Well, they're fresh flowers Veronica, so--

These are fresh, Dan.

Why is the head buying
you flowers, anyway?

Well, he's hoping I'll go back
to the school and work, isn't he?

"To one of the most
inspirational teachers I've met.

"Enjoy being a mum but come back soon."

Over the top, isn't it?

I got f*ck all when I had my adenoids out.

Well, that's because Emma
is an inspiration, Daniel.

We're all inspirational, Geoff.

Sort of comes with the territory.

[laughing]

Yeah, your lessons are
like Dead Poet's Society.

I'm unconventional, but I get results.

[laughing]

From what I hear, you can't wait to

get out of the room at the end of the day.

Why are you laughing?

You've never seen me teach.

I've never seen a cat ice a cake,

but I'm pretty sure it
would make a mess of it.

[laughing]

Very good, no opposable thumb, you know?

Carnage.

Why has the head asked me to run a trip
if I'm that bad?

Probably looking for an excuse
to sack you.

It's because I light the flame
of children's imaginations.

f*ck sake!

Alright, shh, try not to wake
my baby with your hysteria.

My baby?

Yes.

Our baby.

Well, yes.

[Veronica] No, they're all dead.

[upbeat music]

As if I couldn't get
a kid to look up to me.

They're kids, they're
no cleverer than bees.

You don't care about
the children you teach.

I choose not to.

I could inspire the tits off a kid.

God, please be quiet,
let me eat an egg in peace.

I know you're sulking.

It wasn't my fault you got arrested.

Christ!

Secret fancy woman blowing you out,
you dirty little ferret?

No, It's Jo.

I don't have a secret fancy woman,

I've got an upset daughter
whose birthday party I missed

because of my moronic friends,

one of whom has decided
to check up on me every five seconds.

At least Jo feels guilty about
it, but these damn texts.

"Make sure your brush those teeth, Brian".

I thought she was in
hiding from the tax man.

She is, but she's also now decided

she's my guardian angel. It's madness.

I'm being stalked by
a big Barbara Windsor.

Oh my god, "Hope your
bacon is nice, Brian".

She's here!

Leave me alone, you peroxide clown.

I'll take a stick to you,
you damn bastard!

Please Jo, please!

Where's he gone?

He's stressed.

Let him go and have his
horrible Y-fronts jiggled,

and stop this madness.

And remember Jo, a
waterfall may flow downward,

but the pool it forms looks up.

Yeah, see, inspirational,
and it was a piece of piss.

The tax man!

I live in the shadows.

Oh, hello, my name's Jennifer.
I pay my taxes.

Oh, what a yummy breakfast.

If I can't separate these,

I'm gonna f*ck you up.

Yeah, hi, can I come
by for a couple of hours?

I know I'm not due, but I
could really do with a session.

Things are getting a little bit much.

Chop chop, going to the museum, yeah.

Why's he asked you to come along?

He said to keep an eye on you

because of what happened in Cornwall.

He sh*t in a fountain.

Err, I stood in a fountain
that had a sh*t in it,

big difference Jason!

Why you shouting at me?

Alright.

I'm perfectly capable
of running a poxy trip to a w*r museum.

I speak the kids' language.

-Up top, Josephine.
-Get f*cked.

Yeah, you see? That's real talk.

Let's roll!

Oh, hey.

Forgetting something?

Have you done something to your hair or?

Oh, it's--

-Kevin.
-Kevin.

Come on honetsly. No touching!

Dear me, the spirit of the
wolf is strong in that one.

Don't worry, we'll tame him, together.

Lovely.

Want some more wisdom?

Yeah.

If you mess up this
school trip, I'll sack you.

[laughing]

[Ally] God, it's so good to be
getting out of that place.

Here.

Oh, no thanks.

The kids aren't allowed sweets, are they?
So I don't think we should be.

[kids chatting]

Hey you, how you doing?

Fine.

Cool.

How's mum? All good?

My mother is dead.

Oh, yeah, well, forgot about that, sorry.

Yeah, guys, slow down, slow down!

Lots to discover, but
let's do it together, yeah?

You're being really weird.

No, I'm not.

Jesus Christ, Jo!

Dan, where are we?

The tax man could be anywhere.

They have eyes everywhere.

They have things up there.

You're not a Taliban commander,
for f*ck's sake!

Hey, this trip's all about the kids!

I did this for the children, alright?

Yeah, you're definitely being weird.

Well, hello time travellers,

and welcome to the s.

Oh, look.

Yes!

You are about to step
back to the golden age.

Yes, there was struggle,

but there was incredible community spirit.

Any questions?

Yes?

-You seen two girls, one cup?
-Yes, I see.

-Can I have a word?
-Yeah.

Well?

It's a viral video,
two women gobbling sh*t.

Shut up! Stand up straight, man!

Now, I know this school don't expect much.

They're what we used to
happily and correctly

refer to as retards!

We usually ask the children
to fill in worksheets,

but I'll settle for you keeping
the little chimps under control!

A big stick and a lot of shouting, right?

Well no, I think you'll
find with the right guidance--

Shut up!
You're a stranger to discipline, Davies.

A gobbler of confectionary,

unable to hold down a
relationship or a proper job!

You live with your mother I would think.

Am I close?

Yes, I am! Who is this?

I said who is this?

Well, it's supposed to be Churchill.

Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill!

Yes! An inspiration!

A potent symbol of the greatest
period in British history!

Off you go, Tony.

That is a leader, Davies.

You're nothing more than
a glorified sheepdog!

Keep your flock of zombies off my exhibits

and we will get along fine.

However, if you fail to follow

the expected code of conduct,

I will shut your sh*t down

like a rat on a potato.

What will I do?

-[sighs] Now, look.
-What will I do?

Yes, you'll shut my sh*t down.

-Like?
-Like a rat, but the thing about--

-On?
-Like a rat on a--

On a potato! Splendid.

Enjoy the Buckley w*r Experience.

Out!

[Dan] Err, what is this?

Have you no sense of where you are?
Honestly!

Right, phones in the bag.

-What?
-I don't think that's a very good idea.

They didn't have mobile phones in the w*r.

You were lucky to have
a tin of ham and a pipe.

Here, get a picture of
me handing these out.

-Why?
-Just do it!

Worksheet, worksheets.

There you go.

Alright everyone, off
you go, first exhibit,

learning, always learning.

Well, this is bullshit.

You shouldn't struggle too much with this.

It's for children.

What's going on?

Why have you taken their phones off them?

Because the bloke who runs
this place seems to think

our children
can't be sufficiently inspired

to fill out a worksheet.

Well, he's got a point, we're better to

let 'em run around taking
pictures of each other.

They haven't got the
concentration span, wake up.

Can we dare to dream a little bigger
for our children, Ally?

Can we?

Can we dream a little bigger?

Yeah.

[soft music]

Alright guys, you've got your worksheets,

so if you struggle, just let me know.

You know I'll help you.
I can and I will. You know I will.

Okay, stand still, look at me.

-What?
-Eat this.

Look, come on, leave them, they're fine.

Let's go and take the piss
out of some of the actors.

General Montgomery has
a speech impediment.

And?

And, let's get him to say stuff with S in.

Greetings.

Old Dan would've found
that funny, very funny.

But I've realised something.

If children are gonna find their way,

they need a bright light to guide them.

Me. Hold this bag of phones.

Alright guys.

Gather round, let's have a
little look at this worksheet, shall we?

Number one, describe the
atmosphere in this zone.

Well, that's easy, what can you see?

-The biggest nob in Britain?
-Hey!

You've got problems at home,
so I'm gonna let that slide.

Her mum drinks. Okay, close your eyes.

Sir, this is t*rture.

Close your eyes, soak up the atmosphere.

That's it.

Oh my god.

Yes Jason, it's powerful, isn't it?

-Gregory's farted.
-I have not farted.

-You have!
-Hey, nobody's farted.

He has!

And I know it's him, it stinks of bananas!

They didn't have bananas in the w*r time!

That's good.

Now, it's a shame farting got brought up,

but together, we have learnt.

They didn't have bananas in the w*r,

so that's historically accurate.

Is that historically accurate?

Oh my,

that's just a bit of horseplay.

I'm sure that'll wipe straight off.

I'm so sorry. I've just had a Twix.

[all laughing]

And we always leave our doors open,
'cause it's safe as houses.

It's the spirit of the blitz.

And this is my wife?

That's right.

Yeah.

So, any questions so far?

Is it true you had great singalongs?

Oh, it certainly is.

♪ It's a long way to Tipperary ♪

♪ It's a long way to go ♪

♪ Sipping on coke and rum ♪

♪ I'm like, so what I'm drunk ♪

♪ It's the freaking weekend baby ♪

♪ I'm about to have me some fun ♪

Any other questions about the w*r?

Is it true women couldn't
afford tights in the w*r?

I'm glad you asked me that.

I love the s.

Are you sure?

I've never done this before.

Can't I just do the usual?

This doesn't feel right to me at all.

Why do I have to stay with you?

Hey, what happened before, it wasn't cool.

But I get it, you feel like
you're not being listened to,

and I want you to know I've got ears.

I've got big ears.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

You see these w*r poems?

I'll bet you feel you couldn't write one.

-I couldn't.
-You could.

-I don't want to.
-You're going to.

-Can I have my phone back?
-Write a w*r poem!

Sir, I'm a n*zi!

It is great that you're interested,

and I want you to be curious Jason,

but you're gonna have to put that back.

Can I have my phone back then?

Oh, Jesus Christ,
where's the bag of phones?

Oh sh*t, I left them in the last zone.

Oh, brilliant.

Go and find the bag of
phones, and put that back!

What are you hoping to achieve?

Sir, I finished the worksheet.

Oh that is what I'm hoping to achieve.

A completed worksheet from,

you are,

well done.

-What's your name?
-Kevin.

Kevin.

Well done Kevin.

Hang on a minute, you taking the piss?

-What's this?
-What?

"Women couldn't afford tights in the w*r,

"so they smeared Nutella on their legs".

What's this? It's bullshit!

-A woman told me.
-"A woman told me."

"What was h*tler's first name? Danny"?

What are you, a moron, lad?

-Mr Davies!
-Well.

It's true, there was a woman.

She said she'd give us all the answer

if we promised we aren't
working for the tax man.

Oh no.

Oh no, no, no!

What did they put in bombs?

Jam.

Jo!

No, I don't know who Jo is.

I'm just a simple s housewife.

Get the costume off!

I'm trying to fill these kids
with a passion for knowledge!

No Dan, leave me here.
I'm safe in the s!

You're not in the s, you maniac!

[marching snare drums]

Oh sh*t!

You don't fancy him, do you?

-Who?
-Sir.

-Don't be ridiculous.
-d*ck, isn't he?

Guess who!

Right, come on, we need to
collect these worksheets up,

they're bullshit!

Give me those!

[Announcer] Now,
if you'd like to gather round,

you can see first hand what life was like
for a wartime evacuee.

Yes, this'll do.

Right, all gather round.

Watch this, and you
better look interested.

I've done your stupid poem, I'm going.

You stay, you watch, or
I steal the tuck shop money

and I frame you for the crime.

Mr Davies!

We're having a wonderful day.

The children devour, they learn.

Really.

[Announcer] To explain, please welcome

little Toby Perkins from
the East End of London.

Hello there, I'm Toby,
and in the summer of ,

my parents made a very big decision.

f*ck my whole face.

Carry on Brian.

[chuckles]

We arrived in Cornwall

and were greeted
by old Mr. Wattlington

and his rosy-cheeked wife, Fanny.

[laughter]

Brian, what the hell is this?

We thought you were
sneaking off to meet a lady!

You gimp!

Why are you dressed like
a child from the past?

I'm usually an air-raid warden.

Anyway, f*ck you!

f*ck me?

f*ck you baby!

Sorry kids, that's just emotion.

Hey.

What is wrong with you?

I was really looking forward to today.

All I do is look after kids,

and I really thought you and I would
just let the kids off the leash

and have a bit of a laugh.

What's going on?

Nothing's going on?

Here, take a picture of
me reading Josephine's

poem really thoughtfully.

[sighs]
Her, Emma.

What?

That's who you were
sending the picture to.

You're trying to prove something to Emma,

as usual by pretending to
be something you're not!

Right, okay, I think we should just go.

-Sir, they've gone, the phones!
-What?

Oh, sorry.

I didn't realise you were in here.

I was just looking for
somewhere to have a f*g.

No, it's okay.

I'm sorry about the laughing.

It was just a bit of a shock, that's all.

That's alright.

I'd laugh too.

Everyone thought I was
having a steamy affair.

I rather liked that
they were thinking that.

Pathetic.

Brian, my life is so
dull that

for two weeks I've looked forward
to having a laugh with your

stupid, distracted friend today.

I spend my spare time

as an unpaid historical re-enactor.

It looks fun.

You don't think that.

No, I don't, but my
life is really boring too.

Oh, thanks!

[laughing]
I didn't mean it like that.

You make a cute child refugee.

Jesus, what an epitaph.

[laughing]

Oh, you can't smoke in here.

Don't you ever just
wanna do something crazy?

I'm afraid I do not.

Crazy and I rarely cross paths.

Well, I'd be up
for some real crazy, Brian.

I could drive us back to
town with no seatbelt on.

They're not here.

We better find 'em, my
mum is gonna go mental.

We are not telling the head,
do you all understand?

If I have to, I'll buy you
all new phones, alright?

Jesus, he trusted me.

God, you're thicker than me.

He was getting us out of the way.

What?

We've got the inspectors
in today, you idiot!

We're an embarrassment.

Apparently, so are you.

No!

[Jo] Dan!

It's this fat guy! He's got the phones!

Churchill!

w*nk*r.

What the f*ck?

f*cking hell!

Do take a look inside, a rare glimpse

into the belly of the beast.

Behind this curtain, enjoy--

What the hell?

You like that, Churchill?

[screaming]

[screams]

Oh, my eyes!

[Ally] Brian, relax.

I am relaxed. It's just a bit sleepy.

Brian?

[marching snare drums]

Right, listen, I've had
a call from the museum.

Yeah, I fought Churchill,

she tossed someone off
in a bunker, I know.

Now, you listen to me.

We think we know these kids, but we don't,

'cause we don't even try.

I've seen things from today

that I wouldn't have thought possible.

Some of them wrote w*r poems,
for God's sake, w*r poems.

Josephine?

Fat, fat p*ssy rat, h*tler is a twat.

That's fine for now.

The point is, you send these
kids away and then you lie.

And I don't care if I've lost my job,

because this needs to be heard.

And the inspector, you sir,

you need to see the whole
school, warts and all.

Well, these are the warts,

and they won't be swept
under the carpet anymore.

Mr Thompson isn't an inspector,

he's the school's accountant.

-What?
-He's preparing our tax statements.

We're not having an inspection.

-Kevin!
-What?

You told me we'd been booted out
'cause there was an inspection!

I made it up.

Oh, you f*cking nutter.

My office, now!

Well, that all went well.

You've got a visitor.

See you tomorrow.

Sweet speech.

What are you doing here?

I brought your son in, to meet everyone.

My son, yeah?

Yeah.

Come!

[upbeat music]