04x05 - The Christening

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Man Down". Aired: October 18, 2013 to November 2017.*
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"Man Down" centers around Dan and his friends. Hating his mundane job as a teacher and humiliation & torment from his Father, conspire to keep this Man Down.
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04x05 - The Christening

Post by bunniefuu »

And have you got bad nipples?

Sore nipples.

Bad nipples.

Low mood?

Well, now and again I feel a bit--

Constipation?

A little.

Vaginal itching?

Only when she senses danger.

Yes.

Insomnia, poor appetite, breast
tenderness, perineal pain?

-Yes.
-Well, that all sounds pretty standard.

Now me thinks

mummy needs baby

to have a daddy day.

You mean me have him,

for the day on my own?

-Well, yes.
-No, he's got work.

I'll get Ally to cover.

You've not had him on your own yet.

I'll be fine. We'll be fine.

It's not a good time for it.

We've got his Christening
and I want to make sure his gown fits.

You need a break.

I'm fine, I--

Honestly, I don't want a
break, or need a break.

You don't understand,
he's a f*cking idiot!

And three, two, one.

[snores]

[upbeat music]

Brian?

[Brian] What's wrong with you?
You're useless.

You've never let yourself down before,

Jesus Christ, I've got enough problems.

Pull yourself together!

[slaps skin]

Someone's gotta help him.

Everyone trusts you.

Don't let us down now daddy.

I mean it.

I won't.

I won't!

["Father And Son" by Cat Stevens]

♪ All the times that I cried ♪

♪ Keeping all the things I knew inside ♪

♪ It's hard
but it's harder to ignore it ♪

What the f*ck?

-It's very kind of you Jo, but--
-It's the least I can do.

You let me move in with you
when I was getting myself

fully registered as a human,
and things are shaping up,

so now let me help you.

I'm fine.

I found you with your head in the oven.

I was cleaning it.

It was covered in melted cheese
from one of your friends.

Mickey's trying to perfect
his four-cheese volcano, and

he is very close.

Talk to her.

I'm sure.

-Sue.
-Sue is great at,

what she does.

But I don't need any help.

Sue?

Let's start with a positive.

Jo tells me you recently
had a sexual reawakening

in a w*r museum.

I have just met you.

What the f*ck?

Shakira, would you like
Sue to read your palm?

No point, I melted it
smooth on a hotplate.

Oh, okay.

Dan!

And you've got Simon Bridges with you!

Well, you're not gonna believe this.

When I look at him, he turns away.

My first day with him,
and won't even look at me!

Please, tell me you haven't
got a persecution complex

about a baby.

Let me see.

He's right!

Right?

[Dan] This is bloody typical.

When I was a kid, I pestered
Mum and Dad for a dog

that I could go on adventures with.

-Did it like being stroked?
-No.

Did it fetch a stick? Did it f*ck!

I can't handle this.

Brian?

Brian, but what about your chart?

Dan, we're gonna have
to call the Samaritans.

I hear him moaning all night,

and he's getting through a
whole box of tissues every day.

Never mind him, my f*cking son hates me!

A curse word should only
be used in front of a child

in its proper context.

Dan, Sue. Sue, Dan.

You should listen to Sue.

She once cured someone's
cancer with a cinnamon stick.

Hello Sue, and also, no thank you.

Advice is free.

Mother doesn't charge for love. Bong!

Right, well he's my son.

I don't need advice,
especially from someone

who says bong for no reason.

-Bong.
-Bong!

[Shakira] Oi!

[Dan] I need some advice.

[Nesta] It's a baby, Daniel, they
look round for God's sake.

When a calf is born, it
doesn't bond with the bull.

Straight onto the teat and a
clumsy stumble round the field.

Two months later, it's on the plate,
pinch of salt, delicious.

How is any of that comparable?

Oh Daniel, your generation
over thinks things.

All this bonding and boob feeding.

I just used to pop a bottle in your mouth

and set up a fondue for the evening.

[Nesta] And he used to look round,
I wager.

Oh yes. [laughs]

Your dad took you to the pub once,

you wouldn't take your eyes off something.

He couldn't work out what it was until--

It was the peanut display behind the bar,

you know, one of those
ones with a picture of a model behind.

Well, someone bought a pack

and her breast was revealed.

You'd never seen one before,

because breastfeeding disgusted me,

but you were entranced by it.

-Pervert baby.
-[both laugh]

My god, how did any of us survive the s?

He must look at me sometime, surely?

[Polly] Have you tried
singing to him, Daniel?

You used to love being sung to.

Good idea, Polly. Wait a minute.

What a treat for us!

I'd love to have a baby one day,

but my father says my hips are too narrow,

and if I did have a baby, it'd
be no more than a week old

before I k*lled it by accident.

I think you'd be a great mother, Carol.

Really?

[Nesta] Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

The f*ck is that?

Your favorite when you were a bairn boy,

the Dudley lullaby.

The what?

Doesn't even remember it, Nesta.

Well, listen up Daniel,
and then you and the baby

will have something of your very own.

You can serenade him
for the rest of the day.

That'll do it.

♪ Oh, you are a filthy sod ♪

♪ Mucky as tar and caked in cod ♪

♪ When Uncle hears of your sins to God ♪

♪ He'll kick you down the stairs ♪

♪ No supper for you 'til
the chores are done ♪

♪ No bread and dripping for you my son ♪

♪ For Uncle wants you light as a crumb ♪

♪ When he kicks you down the stairs ♪

Jesus Christ!

Is that what you used to sing to me?

No wonder my life's utter sh*t!

♪ Your arm will break
and your shin will too ♪

♪ Your bladder will burst
like a popped balloon ♪

♪ Your head will split
and you'll be through ♪

♪ When he kicks you down the stairs ♪

[applause]

Yeah, I'll take any appointment there is.

I'm aware Dr. Stevens
is busy, we're all busy.

I'm at work, but I'm perfectly
happy to see the locum,

and I just would like to be
seen today if at all possible.

Look!

Look, I have paid every single penny

of every single little bit
of tax that I have ever owed

and I have asked very
little of the NHS in return,

but there is something
wrong with me now and I--

Right.

Well, yes, that is in the ballpark
of what I need, actually.

Sorry, you can tell that just
from the tone of my voice?

Right, I'll pick the prescription up
in my lunch break.

Thank you.

Western medicine won't
solve your problems,

and their dr*gs make you
crave burgers on purpose.

Sue and I made a womb, Brian.

Get in and tell her why you
keep shouting and crying.

-Out!
-No, you need looking after,

and me and Sue are
determined to make you well.

You're safe in the womb.

f*ck the womb!

Brian!

[Ally] I don't care what Mr. Davies does,
you talk to me like that, lad,

you'll get a smack in the nads.

Oh, it's well better having you here Miss.

I'm not supposed to be here,
it's my day of free lessons.

d*ck, isn't he?

Oi, you've gotta' help me.

-What are you doing?
-He hates me!

-Oh, he's cute!
-Can't have come from your balls.

Can I have a go?

No, you cannot have a go,
Jason, he's not a selfie stick.

Good, babies are bullshit!

[crying]

Oh, he stinks of sh*t!

I think it smells quite nice, actually.

[Ally] Going well then?

I think deep down I always
knew he wouldn't like me.

He's too young for me
to even bribe with toys.

The only good thing is
he can't grass me up

to Emma because he can't talk.

You f*cking twat.

Just relax.

Go and do something enjoyable.

How's that for a radical idea?

I don't know what they like, do I?

What are your boys into?

My boys are big. They like v*olence.

Yours is a baby, they'll like anything.

Give him a cuddle and show
him some colorful shapes,

you daft nob.

I could take him bowling.

No!

Just take him somewhere
you like and talk at him.

Jesus.

This is important.

Always keep an eye on where he is.

What?

[cheering]

Jason!

Bring him back here, now!

Jason!

So, it doesn't matter where I take him?

No.

I bet none of your friends get to do this
in the middle of the week, do they?

Best dad ever.

Come on, here comes the curry train.

Tell me you are not
feeding your eight-week

old baby a curry.

Hey, we're trying to bond, alright?

He's being a bit frosty.

But this food could k*ll him!

I think you'll find this place
is award winning, right Pavan?

-No.
-Oh, it must be next door.

-Anyway.
-But he shouldn't be on solids

'til he's at least six months!

What about a dal?

Or a little raita?

[groans]

Strike two!

What was strike one?

First impression!

She just doesn't understand us,
that's all.

You and me, we're special, aren't we?

Look at me.

Look at daddy.

Christ!

Really Brian?

[Jo] This is the way you're going?

Tell him, Sue.

The dr*gs don't work.

Depression is just chakra misalignment
or wheat intolerance.

Now, I've no idea what that means,

but Sue is sh*t hot at this stuff.

f*ck off!

Both of you, f*ck off!

I'm not depressed.

Jo, you promised you would get a job
to pay off your tax, right?

Hanging around with a bullshit-spouting
woollen narcissist

is not a f*cking job!

No offense Sue.

Don't let his serpent of
aggression bring you down.

Let's go and toss scarves in the park

and celebrate the Earth
mother in every woman.

Okay, Sue.

♪ Never forget what your uncle said ♪

♪ Don't you suggest his nose is red ♪

♪ For that is why your brother's dead ♪

♪ 'Cause he kicked him down the stairs ♪

Oi, it's a lullaby, jog on!

Come on.

Have you any idea how long
I've waited for you, mate?

The one person I thought
wouldn't think I was a prick?

Come on, look at me.

Look at Daddy.

I think he may be
interested in old Sheba here.

Problems?

[Dan] You could say that.

You know, it can take a
while to find each other.

Sorry, who?

Father and child.

I couldn't help but overhear.

And if you don't mind me saying,

I think you may be trying too hard.

[Dan] He hates me.

He most certainly does not.

May I?

Sorry?

A strange request from an
old, blind fool, but may I?

Ah, there he is.

-He's looking straight at you.
-I know.

And yet, I have no eyes.

Incredible.

You see, he feels me.

He feels that I can and that he's safe.

We don't always need to see, young man.

Sometimes we just need to feel.

[baby crying]

Beautiful.

Do you have children?

They're long grown up.

But they still come round for a cuddle.

Anyway, don't panic.

You'll get there.

Now, you take him back.

[dog barks]

Oh my f*ck!

Sheba?

It's bolted with my kid
on its back, you prick!

Oh, not again!

Sheba!



-Oi!
-[dog barks]

Hey!

Sheba!

[blind Jim] Sheba!

Oi!

Jo!

Jo!

-Oh my god!
-Dan, what were you thinking?

He's not old enough for dog rides!

Maybe you do need a little advice.

I didn't do it on purpose, did I?

[blind Jim screams]

sh*t!

Look after him.

I'm fine, I'm okay.

Er, could you stand aside please?

I am a healthcare professional.

Oh, hello Patty.

Is that your dog, you fat whore?

Alright mate.

Where's your baby?

Oh, just with friends round there.

So safe.

Show me.

Yeah.

[cyclist groans]

Oh my f*cking god!

Let him have my special milk.

It's sweet with love.

Milky Sue, no!

Milky Sue?

We should've seen this
coming with a name like that!

You told me her name was Sue!

It's just a nickname.

Jo, Patty's coming,

get my baby off that hippie's tit!

-Please.
-No!

Patty!

What the hell are you doing?

Nothing! I'm just pleased to see you!

We're having a lovely day.

Me and the baby have bonded like fuckers.

-Well, where is he?
-He's just round there!

-Show me?
-Why?

Oh Patty, wait!

[woman] Give me the baby.

What's wrong with you?

I want to tell you something.

Dan, where is your child?

He's fine!

Hey, Patty!

-Milky Sue, let him go!
-Feels so natural.

Patty, I'm a bad dad!

-I know.
-[blind Jim] Sheba!

I love him too much!

[blind Jim] Sheba!

I'm lost without you!

Milky Sue, please, please!

[blind Jim] Sheba!

What the f*ck?

[Blind Jim] Sheba!

Sheba!

Sheba!

Strike three, right?

f*cking hell, Dan.

It wasn't me, it was a blind man

and a woman called Milky Sue.

Who the f*ck is, never mind.

We have narrowly avoided having
our baby taken into care,

hours before his Christening!

You are not having any more
days on your own with him!

Not until he's old enough to
get a license for a taser.

I mean, Jesus Christ Dan, you
talk about us being a family!

[Jo] She'll come round, Dan.

My mum used to leave me in a
cattery when she had a lot on,

and I turned out fine.

And I always land on my feet
if you push me off a wall.

Bloody hell, look at that.

Face like a smacked arse!

You know the rules about sulking, Daniel.

What's wrong now?

Oh, nothing.

This is just probably the last time

I'll ever see my son, that's all.

It's lucky that you've got us, isn't it?

You're my little lamb.

You're the on that needs looking after.

I'll get out my banjolele later

and sing you to sleep.

God.

What are they?

Brian's happy pills.

I stole them this morning, 'cause Sue said
they can make you into a serial k*ller.

That is the best news I've heard all week.

It's not that bad, Dan.

Yes, fine, thank you.

Brian!

Hooray!

And you look so well.

[Brian] Funny, isn't it?

Who'd have thought conventional medicine

would be more effective than
a woman who will breastfeed

anything with a mouth?

Sorry Brian.

Anyway, Sue's gone to
Thailand to learn how

to float off the ground using her mind.

Shut up.

Come on.

Amen.

[all] Amen.

[Vicar] Now, we shall proceed
with our joyous baptism.

[organ playing]

Brian, how long until
these happy pills kick in?

Dan!

[mouthing]

My what?

Your happy pills.

I haven't got happy pills.

Jo?

Sorry Brian, I was just worried,
I told Dan about your tablets.

Yeah, and I'm here to
tell you they don't work.

-You've taken one?
-Double popped.

What?

Shut up, I always double pop.
Look at the size of me.

Plus, I've had a sh*t house of a week.

Dan, they're not happy pills,

they're for, they're, recreational.

After what happened with Ally.

-What happened with me?
-Nothing.

I'm not sure.

Whatever it was, he's now on tablets.

Narrow it down, Brian.

Was it before or after
Ally tossed you off at the w*r museum?

Oh, that.

Don't worry Brian, we all have off days.

Oh my, they're d*ck pills!

[Brian shushing]

Jo, you nutter!

You've made me take a
king-size dose of cock pills!

Oh no, I've had one!

Brian, I'm not gonna grow a d*ck, am I?

No, Jo, you are not going to grow a d*ck.

I can't, Brian, not here!

Not at my own child's Christening!

They only work if you get aroused,
so just don't get aroused.

Can you manage that? In a church?

[sighs]

[Nesta] But you were entranced by it.

-[Nesta] Pervert baby.
-[laughs]

Oh no!

And would Baby Lipsey, the parents,

and the godparents please
join us at the front?

And, um, do we have the father?

Dan.

I'm fine, thanks.

Well, is he coming or not?

No, no, no, you're alright.

We usually have daddy at the altar.

Dan, get up here, now.

I don't want to.

-He doesn't like me anyway, so.
-Daniel!

Do you need some assistance?

-Get up, lad!
-No, I can't!

-Come along, man!
-He's able-bodied, no?

Technically.

Come on, you silly bugger.

No, Nesta, you don't--

Crumbs.

Oh yeah, now he looks at me.

♪ Oh, you are a filthy sod ♪

♪ Mucky as tar and caked in cod ♪

♪ When uncle hears of your sins to God ♪

♪ He'll kick you down the stairs ♪

♪ No supper for you 'til
the chores are done ♪

♪ No bread or dripping for you my son ♪

♪ For uncle wants you light as a crumb ♪

♪ When he kicks you down the stairs ♪

♪ Your arm will break
and your shin will too ♪

♪ Your bladder will burst
like a popped balloon ♪

♪ Your head will split
and you'll be through ♪

♪ When he kicks you down the stairs ♪
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