04x06 - The Hearing

[bunniefuu]

["Friday I'm in Love" by The Cure]

[clicks]

[electronic beeps]

[Jo] Brian.

I done it.

Oh my god.

You almost look normal.

I know, right?

I reverse-pretty Womaned
myself, just like you said.

Big day, then. Excited?

It's bittersweet.

They wouldn't hire Mickey.
Big mistake, huge.

-So, what's he doing?
-I don't know.

I had to let him go.

Let him go?

[dramatic, melancholy music]

-Drive.
-[driver] What, love?

Just drive.

[engine revs]

Oh, Mickey.

Lonely warrior.

You're smart, you gotta have a date?

No, modern dating's too feral for me.

I've got an appointment
at the county court.

-About the girls?
-Time to make it legal.

They have to come and see me
whether they want to or not.

-I can't keep going to Scotland.
-You don't like it up there?

Don't get me wrong, the
Scots are a noble people.

I just find them a little raw.

Hi.

[keys jingle]

-You got it.
-Yeah.

One new flat to live in on my own.

I can't wait to piss
myself on my birthday.

Yay.

I'm sure Emma will
get in touch again soon.

You'll see the boy again in no time.

Yeah, you done nothing wrong.

No, I mean, because of me,

he did suckle on another woman's teet,

and ride across the park
on the back of a dog.

And at his christening,

I got an exhausting boner.

-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.

Oh god, life is long.

[plate thuds] Sorry about the gloves,

I've got the shits.

[Polly] Are you sure you're ready
to live on your own, Daniel?

I'm , you rubber-faced dwarf.

And look, it's only down the road.

So you'll be able to pop
in for breakfast each day.

No, mum.

I'm not having
breakfast at a.m anymore.

I'm not a cockerel.

I so wanted you to move in
with Emma and Simon Britches.

You need looking after.

His name is Richard,
we called him Richard.

Do you remember your own husband?

Yes.

[sniffs]

Lovely.

Much better.

Oh, come on, Polly.

Pull yourself together.

All birds have to fly the nest,

and your young one is overdue.

He's a weepy-eyed puffin,

barely the energy to stand on a cliff,

but still he has to spread his wings.

-Yes, all right.
-So, come on.

[Nesta] Hug the boy, and let's go
off to the county fair.

Are you sure you won't come with us?

They've got caper tossing,

a hog roast, splat the rat,

and, and Tammy Fleese and Rocky

are doing a monster truck display.

You love monster trucks. [sobs]

No, you go.

I'm gonna move my stuff.

[Polly] He won't survive, Nesta.

He's the runt of the
litter, and I only have him.

[sobs]

[Dan] Enjoying this, you goon?

[Polly] You love monster trucks, Daniel!

[phone rings]

Strath, Carter and Cline, good afternoon.

-Just puttin' you through.
-[beeps]

Okay, that was great.

Except, it's morning, not afternoon.

Cool. So, what else do we do?

Else?

Yeah, what else?

What else?

[light music]

[phone rings]

[sighs]

Oh, hello.

It's Brian, isn't it?

Yes, yes it is.

Patty.

Your health visitor.

You had two little girls.

Patty, of course, well-remembered.

You're the only daddy I ever met

to chart his children's
bowel movements on a graph.

The frequency bygone, yes.
I've still got it.

Sadly, not the children.

Hence, uh, my presence here.

Same sort of thing for you, or?

Oh, no.

I'm just a witness.

Say, um, a sole custody application.

These things are never pleasant,

but sometimes necessary, I'm afraid.

-Not all daddies can be trusted.
-Right, sure.

Would you excuse me a minute?

[thuds]

[keys jingle]

sh*t.

Problems?

Carol, you made me jump.

Two flats, can you believe it?

Dear, however will you move your things?

Me father's here to pick me up,
he could give you a lift.

-No, it's fine, in fact--
-It is no bother, and

-I'd really like to see your new place.
-[mobile phone rings]

Sorry.

-Yeah?
-[Brian] Listen, it's Brian.

-Emma's applying for sole custody.
-What?

[Brian] Yes!

You should have got a
letter about it, surely.

No, I did not get a letter.

[Brian] Well, you need
to come down here fast.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, I think I can get there, yeah.

-What is it, Dan?
-It's Emma.

I've got to talk to her.
I need to get to the court.

Oh, I'll ask me father, he'll take ya.

-Actually, do you think he'd mind?
-No. [laughs]

This is really good
of you, thanks so much.

Do you think we'll make it? [hums]

Father's happy to help.

I can't believe she's doing it to ya,

stoppin' you from seeing your own child.

She must be rotten to
the core, rotten insides.

I mean, I know I've
got my faults, but court?

Making it legal.

It's not right.

You're so kind.

[mobile phone rings]

[tongue clicks]

[thud]

Kept moving day
quiet, didn't you, dickhead?

Yet again, I'm giving up a
free lesson to cover for you.

Well, I tell you this,
I'm eatin' ya f*cking Twix.

[children fight and throw chairs]

I always think you've
got to look after your man,

always put his needs first.

He can't be expected to
do every little thing.

He's a man, he just needs
space to be big and strong.

I'm sorry, is this the way?

No.

No, I think that was the
turn in for the court.

Hello?

-Sorry, can you hear me, sir?
-Sir, sir, you're so sweet.

You don't have to call him sir.

No, most people call me

Daddy!

[screams]

-[cackles]
-[screams]

-[cackles]
-[screams]

[crunches]

Oh my god.

[intense, counting-down music]

Where are you taking
me, you twisted pig?

Just far enough away for

thee to miss a court hearing, lad.

-What, why?
-I want you to see my home.

See what I've been reduced to

since thee interfered with my life.

Forced to live in squalor
with a cretinous child,

rather than living in comfort
with thy gullible mother.

Oh, serendipity.

-Justice!
-[horn honks]

You're welcome to walk home
when we get there, lad.

Should only take a couple of hours.

[cackles]

But father, you said I could have him.

You said he'd be mine.

-What?
-You're to live with me and father,

I'll treat you so nice,
I'll hold you so tight.

What!

[intense, thumping music]

[mobile phone rings]

Brian, it's me, you gotta
help me, it's all gone wrong!

[screams]

Hey!

[Daddy] Shut it, Carol.

[yells]

[thuds]

-[Carol] No!
-[Dan] Help!

[cackles]

[Brian] Hello? Dan?

[phone rings]

Strath, Carter and Cline, Good... Morning?

[Brian] Jo, it's me.
Listen, something strange is happening.

Okay, now we take his name.

Can I take your name please, Brian?

Jo, Dan's in trouble.

I think it's got something
to do with Carol.

Ah, I'm glad this came up.

What we do when we get a personal call.

-[Brian] Jo.
-Is we end it immediately.

-I won't be a minute.
-We end it immediately.

-Yeah, but.
-We end it if we want to keep our job.

[Brian] Jo, you've got to
get to the retirement village.

[death march music]

Jo, we've got to find Dan,

we need to find out where she's taken him.

[Brian] Jo.

No way, baby.

I'm a peacock, not a sparrow.

I'm a blue-sky thinker, I can't be caged.

And when the bell tolls,

I sh**t for the stars, and I punch low.

You're a sweet lady, but
my friend's in trouble.

I'm puttin' the team back together.

Brian, Thunderbirds are go.

What?

[birds twitter]

And I'll cook you a nice roast everyday.

And we can go for walks.

Carol, this is insane.

No, you're just nervous 'cause it's new.

I'll make you so happy.

You won't.

You won't because it's
time for me to man up.

Hasta la vista, Daddy.

[door opens]

And Carol.

-[yells]
-[thuds]

[Carol] Dan, wait!

[thuds]

[brakes squeak]

[whimpers]

You left that act of bravery
a bit late, lad.

[Carol] We're here.

[bird squawks]

Oh, f*ck it.

[intense music]

-[goose squawks]
-[yelps]

[squawks]

[whimpers]

[squawks and hisses]

Way to me, honker.

[hisses]

[Honker squawks]

There's a good girl.

Come to the caravan, darlin'.

I've got a surprise for you.

[gasps]

[footsteps click]

Jesus. Okay, Brian.

Yeah, I'll see what I can do.

[thuds]

Okay, kids.

Listen up.

Mr. Davies needs our help.

Who's in?

[electronic games beep]

Who's in if I pay?

Disappointing, but okay.

Let's go, kids!

[high-energy indie rock music]

Sorry, let's go kids and Dalal.

[chair scrapes]

Come on, Mickey. We're back in the game.

[squawks]

-[Carol] Surprise!
-What the f--

-It's our very own game, Dan.

Our very own game of Twister,

just like a happy family plays.
Come on, join in.

-No.
-Not in the mood?

You just relax, and I'll play by myself.

[plastic spins]

Right foot yellow, it's gonna be tricky.

Carol, this is madness.

Right hand, red.

Can't be done, Carol.

Carol, you've got to
help me get out of here.

Oh, it's a mess I'm in.

All good fun, though.

Well, let's have a nice game,

and then, I'll make your favorite tea.

I don't know what your favorite tea is.

Is it pie? I bet it's pie.

Everybody loves pie, don't they?

That's it, Carol. You carry on your game,

and I'm just gonna pop to the toilet.

Oh yes, you must empty
yourself before pie.

[laughs] I will.

[door closes]

[door opens]

[intense music]

What are you playing
at, you clumsy heifer?

Where's that streak of piss?

He's just popped in there
to drop dirt and make water.

We're happy now.

I'm making my special pie.

There's a window in
there, ya turgid pancake,

any bugger could slip through.

I will not have him make that hearing.

[door opens]

[keys jingle]

well, well, well

Thinking of thieving my car,

were ya, ya fat scaffold pull?

Carol.

Fetch the chain and the padlock.

Which one, father?

The one we use

for the big suitcase.

[airy, jaunty piano music]

[heist music]

Okay, this is it.

If anyone comes, you know what to do.

-Everything okay?
-Now, Mickey.

[flatulence]

[sighs]

As you may have heard,

my father's had a little accident,

so I'm going to need to clean him up.

Thank you.

Mickey, you didn't have
to actually sh*t yourself.

All those years of acting
lessons are a waste of money. [gags]

Damn it.

[door opens]

[ominous music]

Oh my god.

[mobile phone rings]

[jovial carnival music]

What?

Calm down, dear.

I can't hear you very well
because of the tug-of-w*r.

What?

Carol is whose child?

Right. Polly.

That awful boyfriend of yours,

he used to own a small
patch of land, didn't he?

Daddy? Yes.

[Announcer]
Will start in five minutes.

Where was it?

[Emma] Look, I know he's not
perfect, but court, really?

I don't know, I just don't know.

[Jeff] Come on now, love,
we've been through this.

Well hardly, you ambushed me with it.

It's what's best for the baby, Emma.

That's what counts. Come on, hurry up.

Yep, all right.

[engine runs]

[brakes squeal]

[Mrs. Lipsey] Jeff.

-Oh my god, you k*lled him!
-But I didn't touch him.

Why are you shoutin' at me?

Well, why are you so defensive?

[student] Why are you
calling me defensive?

Clean your window for ya?

No, thank you, no thank you.

[spits]

Jesus!

Sorry, is that a Twix?

[Jeff] What the hell is going on?

-[Mrs. Lipsey] Oh, that's revolting.
-I think I might have an idea.

[student] He's dead, he's definitely dead.

[Mrs. Lipsey] He just moved, I saw him.

[Ally] Brian, I'm not sure how much longer
we can hold them here.

Okay.

[Ally] I'm on my way, but
you've got to do something

to delay that hearing.

Let me see what I can do.

I suppose they can't start without you.

Oh no, they need my report.

Patty.

Yes?

Do you ever feel like
doing something crazy?

[Dan] Right foot, green.

[grunts]

[plastic spins]

Right foot, yellow.

[groans]

Carol.

You don't really think
I'm gonna stay, do you?

I hope I don't get right foot blue,

because I really just don't see how.

I don't think of you in that way, Carol.

You're really sweet, but I just don't.

[plastic crinkles]

I used to watch you sleeping, you know?

I know I shouldn't have.

Took me ages to get a camera into

that cross-eyed Christ statue.

Just always looked so peaceful,

couldn't help meself.

Come on.

- - - .

What?

It's the combination for padlock.

And my birthday.

Oh, Carol.

-[metal clicks]
-[chains jingle]

[grunts]

Thank you.

[door opens]

[escape music]

[ominous music]

You goin' somewhere?

-You sick bastard. [grunts]
-[groans]

Honker!

[squawks]

Honker, your daddy's under att*ck.

-[wings flap]
-[honks]

-[yells]
- [squawks]

[screams]

-Bastard.
-[keys jingle]

No!

[quiet thud]

[whimpers]

[squawks]

Bring him down.

f*ck.

[squawks] [yells]

-[squawks]
-[pecks]

[cackles]

[yells]

[pecks]

[cackles]

Leave him alone!

[squawks]

[truck engine revs]

[metal crunches]

[metal slams]

[engine revs]

Oh, sh*t.

[calming music]

[squawks]

Don't tempt me.

I've rung the neck of a
thousand of your kind.

[squawks]

Polly.

[thuds] [groans]

Stay away from my f*cking family, bitch.

[coughs]

[Nesta] Come on, Daniel.

You have a hearing to attend.

-I'm sorry, Carol.
-It's okay.

I've got another lad tied up

to that tree over there, anyway.

[laughs]

-Bye.
-Bye.

[yells]

♪ We've been broken down ♪

[rocks crunch]

♪ The lowest rung ♪

♪ And being on the bottom line ♪

♪ Sure ain't no fun ♪

♪ But if we should be evicted ♪

♪ From our homes ♪

♪ We'll just move somewhere else ♪

♪ And still carry on ♪

♪ If we hold on, hold on ♪

♪ Hold on, hold on ♪

♪ -If we hold on
-Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Won't be long now ♪

♪ The only way is up, baby ♪

♪ For you and me now ♪

♪ The only way is up, baby ♪

[laughs]

[footsteps stomp]

What on earth is going on?

Hear me out.

[sighs]

When I was a kid,

my dad used to just laugh at me.

He called me motor-moron
'cause I couldn't catch.

And the King of the Silver Sleeve because,

I would wipe my nose on
it and leave a trail.

And once, I thought my testicles
were movin' on their own.

It took me ages to pluck
up the courage to tell him.

When I did, he just smiled at me.

For five years, he,

-he called me--
-Alien bollocks.

I know.

You told me.

Well, then.

Sorry, am I missing something?

Think about it?

Well, I don't know
what he's talking about.

Well, you say that, but--

Oh, Daniel, of all the
stories you could have picked.

-I don't get it.
-There's nothing to get.

He was trying to make a point
and he picked a bad story.

What's the message?

No, it's not that there's a message.

I'm talking about me and my dad.

[hushed arguing]

Look!

Can I have access to him or not?

[sighs]

What are those, on your face?

Some grazes from when I
jumped out of a car and,

the rest are goose bites.

[laughs]

Of course they are.

Okay, daddy.

[paper rips]

Give me a ring, and we'll
work out when you have him.

-Thank you.
-[baby fusses]

♪ Now we may not know ♪

♪ Where our next meal is coming from ♪

♪ With you by my side ♪

♪ I'll face what is to come ♪

♪ Girl, I want to thank you ♪

♪ For loving me this way ♪

Cough up, then.

♪ Things may be a little hard now ♪

♪ But we'll find a brighter day ♪

♪ If we hold on, hold on ♪

Do you want to go for a curry?

If I get asked.

Don't be a d*ck.

I'd be delighted, Daniel.

♪ Hold on, won't be long now ♪

♪ The only way is up ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ For you and me, now ♪

♪ The only way is up ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ For you and me now ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

Look, it's okay.

I'm gonna go and see a friend
who might be able to help.

Oh, Daniel.

[dramatic music]

You've got to get me out of here.

Honestly, you are a dickhead.