04x17 - My Fair Ernest T. Bass

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

( people screaming )

( laughing maniacally )

And then he burst into the house uninvited

and started behaving in the most peculiar manner.

Like what, Mrs. Wiley?

Oh, uh, he stuck his hand in the punch bowl,

and he ate every bit of the watermelon rind.

And if that wasn't enough,

he soaked the paper napkins in the punch

and then he threw them at the ceiling.

Well, didn't anybody try to stop him?

Mr. Schwamp tried to pinch him,

but he just giggled and jumped away.

You say you never saw this man before?

Never, and I hope I never see him again.

Did he take anything?

No. He just came in demanding to meet a woman.

A woman?

MRS. WILEY: As blatantly as that.

And when I ordered him to leave,

he became incensed and completely lost control of himself.

Here's the rock, Mrs. Wiley.

Oh, yes, thank you, Ramona.

He threw this rock through the window.

I thought you might like it

to study it for fingerprints.

May I ask just how many of you people

have handled this rock?

Just me.

Oh, Mrs. Polk.

Oh, Ramona and Mr. Schwamp.

You laypeople have got to learn

to leave evidence alone.

It's gonna make it very difficult now

for us and the boys at the lab.

What boys and what lab?

Please, Andy.

Well, we want to thank all of you for your cooperation.

We'll take it from here.

We'll analyze this rock chemically.

That's to determine its origin.

That way we'll know where the man came from

and whether or not he brought the rock with him

or whether or not it's a local rock.

Now, we also will want your impressions

of the man's appearance,

both physical and, uh...

other aspects of his looks and appearance.

Now, from this information,

our staff artist will re-create his face,

and we'll know exactly who we're after.

Ernest T. Bass.

Yeah, that's a lead.

It's more than that.

I'm positive that's who it is.

The rock and the wild giggling.

Dirty hand in the punch.

Yeah, it's Ernest T., all right.

We'll have this man in custody

within an -hour period.

You can bank on that.

Thank you, Mrs. Wiley.

Let's go, Barney.

Uh, I want to thank you again for your cooperation...

Come on, Barney.

Right, Ange.

Your cooperation and your detailed information...

ANDY: Let's go, Barney.

Coming, Ange.

Mr. Fife... Ma'am?

The rock. Uh... Oh.

Don't touch it.

Don't touch it.

( sighs )

Well, now what?

We've looked on every street

in every store and restaurant.

Even looked under two houses.

Doggone that Ernest T. Bass.

Every time he hits town,

he's number one on our wanted list.

Yeah.

Sure wish there was some way

we could straighten him out.

Oh, nobody can.

The man's hostility is ingrained.

It's carved in the deepest recesses of his subconscious id.

His behavior patterns are a permanent fixture

of his behavior.

Now, when you got patterns that are ingrained,

well, any conflicting conflicts that you might inflict,

well, they can cause a traumatic... trauma.

You been reading again, ain't ya?

Psychological Aspects of the Law.

I got it five more days if you want to take a look.

I'll do that.

Sure wish there was some way we could help him.

Oh, forget it. He's too far gone.

I wouldn't touch his id with a ten-foot pole.

Well, let's go in.

Well, I guess we can start looking for him

in the morning.

My old uniform.

What in the world...?

MAN: Howdy, Sheriff. Howdy, Deputy.

ANDY: Ernest T.

Surprise! Surprise!

I can see it in your eyes.

Bet you didn't even know I was here in town, did you?

( giggling )

We knew all right, Ernest T.

Mrs. Wiley called us about the broken window.

You sure caused a lot of trouble

over at Mrs. Wiley's.

They were pretty shook up over there.

Well, all's I wanted was a girl.

That Mrs. Wiley, she just got mighty...

Last time you was in town,

we gave you Barney's uniform to help you get a girl.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

That was the plan all right, but didn't take ahold.

No. That's why I brung it back.

See, when I went home wearing that uniform,

I just 'spected all the girls just to go plunk,

flop right down at my feet.

But, nah, same as always... Just gaze right on through me.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Ernest T.

I know how important it is to you

to get a girl.

I tried courtin' old Hog Winslow's daughter, Hogette.

Pretty name.

Hogette? Yeah, it's French, French name.

Why, I courted her just as proper as proper can be.

First off, I wrote her a love note

asking to go on out with me.

And then I tied that love note

onto the prettiest rock you ever did see.

And then I give it the prettiest toss you ever did see

right through her front window.

Did Hogette come out with you?

Couldn't.

Caught her right here.

Seven stitches.

All my charm,

good looks and lovable traits didn't mean a peckity thing.

Ernest T., you don't throw rocks through windows.

Now, maybe if you gave it another chance with Hogette

with a more proper courtship...

Well, she's accounted for now.

Yeah. She's gonna marry the taxidermist

what sewed up her head.

Yeah, I reckon the bestest thing for me to do

is find myself a cave and just hermitize myself.

Ernest T... Hmm?

I'd like to try to help you.

You would?

Yeah. Now, are you willing to learn?

That's important.

And after the learnin', they'll be a woman?

It's-it's possible.

( clearing throat )

Andy, don't get involved.

Ain't it bad enough

we have to run him out of town once a month?

All I want to do is try to help him...

You know, clean him up, teach him a few manners.

Maybe he'll even quit throwing rocks.

Oh, it's impossible.

Look at him.

Well, he's a challenge.

He's a mess.

Like that?

All right, that's it.

( sniffs )

Mr. Bass? Mm-hmm.

Will you pass the bread, please?

( mumbling )

Mr. Bass!

Throwing food is a sin.

ANDY: It certainly is.

You pass it.

You don't throw it.

I just don't cotton all this.

Too daggone many rules.

I don't like it. I don't like it.

Now, Ernest T.,

we're just trying to help you fit into society.

Now, you want a girl or don't you?

Would you pass the potatoes, please?

Here.

Well, what's the matter here?

I passed it. I didn't heave it.

You don't pass one.

You pass the whole thing.

Whole thing?

Whole thing.

Hi, Ange.

Oh, hi, Barn.

Well, how's the big experiment with Ernest T. coming?

Fine. He had supper with us.

He's upstairs cleaning up.

Yeah, I expect he would be.

Well, I still say

the whole thing's a waste of time.

You gonna work on him some more tonight?

Mm-hmm.

He's showing progress.

I bet when I get through with him,

you won't recognize him.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna keep workin' at him

and try to pass him off at Mrs. Wiley's.

You're kidding.

No. I'm gonna try.

Oh, this I got to see.

Oughta be better than a movie.

( footsteps running )

Hey, Deputy.

Oh, he's coming right along.

For a minute there,

I thought it was the Count of Monte Cristo.

It takes time.

Uh, Ernest T...

there's something we got to talk about,

and that's the way you come into a room.

Too slow?

No, no.

It was too noisy, too hectic.

Now, you got to remember,

when you come into a room full of strangers,

they judge you by the first time they see you.

They do? Yeah.

Barney, suppose you show Ernest T.

The proper way to come into a room?

Oh, no, don't involve me in this.

You see, Barney is a perfect example

of a young man about town.

Granted, on the outside,

he looks like a tough, weather-beaten lawman;

but coming through that rough exterior,

that rough hide,

is a sophisticated, well-mannered gentleman.

You can afford to be mighty proud of yourself.

Andy, I got an idea.

ANDY: What's that, Barn?

Why don't I show Ernest T. How to come into a room?

Now, that's a good idea.

Okay.

What kind of a gathering is it?

Mm, social.

Formal or semi-formal?

Neckties.

Formal. Right.

Any city officials?

No, just folks.

About how many people?

Are you gonna enter,

or are you planning on bringin' the sandwiches?

Andy, if you're gonna do something, do it right.

Now, there's different entrances for different affairs.

Jiminy Christmas.

Now, watch this. ( door closes )

BARNEY: Ange?

Yeah?

About ten couples, you figure?

About.

Anybody in the kitchen?

No, no. Make your entrance.

Coming in.

( knocking )

I wonder who that can be.

( mouthing )

I can't hear him.

I can't hear him!

Now, how am I gonna learn if I can't hear him?

Doggone you, Ernest T., them are the amenities!

Now, you don't yell out amenities!

I can't hear your amenities.

Barney, I don't mean to criticize.

I mean, you came in fine, friendly and everything,

and I got a right nice impression,

but I got to admit,

the mouth work was a new one on me, too.

You try it, Ernest T.

Amenities?

Right.

( slowly ): How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?

Again.

How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?

Once more.

How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?

Now, that's coming along pretty good.

Now try to talk through your mouth more.

You're twanging.

You seem to be talking through your nose.

Oh. Well, I do that on purpose, so I can talk whilst I eat.

Let's just keep working on it.

BOTH: How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?

Come on, Ernest T.

Now, that's the way to come into a room.

Mr. Bass, you are stunning.

Go on, Ernest T.,

say it to her like you've been practicing.

Go on.

How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?

Good. Good.

Are you all set?

I brought the car to drive you over to Mrs. Wiley's.

ANDY: Good. Hi, Aunt Bee.

Hi. Hi there.

Well, where's ol' Ernest T.?

I wanna get a good loo... Ernest T.!

How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?

You boys have a good time.

What do you think, huh?

Andy, you're a genius!

I didn't even know him.

You created a new person.

You've taken a raw piece of clay

and you've molded it into a...

Well, you're just a genius.

It's good, Ernest T., good.

How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?

Can he say anything

besides "How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?"

Oh, sure. Talk to Barney, Ernest T.

Good evening.

Good. Good.

That's good.

Nice evenin', ain't it?

May I have this dance?

Thank you for the dance.

May I have the next dance?

No coffee, tea or punch, thank you.

Who you gonna pass him off as?

My cousin from Raleigh, Oliver Gossage.

Oh, Ollie. Yeah.

Oh, this is one night

I'd just love to be a wall at Mrs. Wiley's.

Just love to be a wall there.

Well, why don't you?

Why don't you go home and change and meet us there?

I'm gonna do just that.

Go ahead.

You know, if you wrote this into a play,

nobody'd believe it.

Your cousin from Raleigh. Well, how nice.

It was so thoughtful of you to bring him.

We do need eligible young men.

Well, thank you, Miss Wiley.

We'll just, uh, mingle and socialize a little.

No, no.

You're not going to steal him away from me.

Oliver and I are going to get acquainted.

Well, uh, he's-he's very shy.

But that's what we're here for.

Now, you go talk to, uh, Ramona, Sheriff.

Oliver, you come with me.

Oh, well, uh, I'll, I'll see ya, Oliver.

Well, now, Oliver, tell me all about yourself.

How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?

Yes. Uh, have you and the sheriff

been having a nice visit?

Uh, what have you been doing in town?

Well, I been comin' into rooms nice.

I ain't been shakin' ladies' hands.

Oh... ( laughs )

Oh, now, be serious.

Um, no, no, thank you, Mildred.

No coffee, tea or punch, thank you.

Mr. Gossage, would you say that again?

Huh? No coffee, tea or punch, thank you.

Once more.

No coffee, tea or punch, thank you.

Something funny is going on here.

Evening, Miss Ancrum.

Good evening, Sheriff... if it doesn't rain.

Uh... oh, yes.

It'll be a nice evening if it doesn't rain.

Uh, excuse me, Ramona.

You go right ahead, Sheriff.

Oh, evening, Mr. Schwump.

( Barney clears throat )

How's it going?

So far, so good.

Ernest T. is really behaving himself.

Yeah? She ain't at all suspicious?

Not so far.

Keep your fingers crossed.

This could be a whole new life for Ernest T.

Well... he sure got slim pickins here.

Dogs, nothin' but dogs.

Barney...

Andy, if you flew a quail through this room,

every woman in it would point.

( both snicker )

Don't talk like that.

Uh-oh. What's wrong?

I don't know yet.

I want to speak with you, Sheriff Taylor.

Will you excuse us, Deputy?

Now, did you think you could really fool me?

Now-now, Miss Wiley...

Sheriff, I've been around a long time,

and I've been to a great many places.

That man is not from Raleigh.

I know, I'm sorry.

Definitely Back Bay Boston.

How's that?

Well, why didn't you tell me the truth?

Oh... oh, well, uh...

I-I wanted everybody to be at ease around him.

Well, that was a mighty sweet thought,

but go on, move around the room,

have him meet people.

Have him dance with Ramona.

( chuckles ): Yes, ma'am.

Huh? Huh?

Boy, I thought it was all over.

She thinks he's from Boston.

She thinks he's from Boston.

Boston?

Yeah.

Either you did that good of a job,

or Mrs. Wiley's a nut.

Ernest T., you're coming off like a million dollars.

( chuckles )

Hi, Ernest T.

How do you do, Mrs. Wiley?

No, you said that already.

Oh.

Now, get a girl and dance a little.

Now, you see that girl right over there?

Yeah.

Her name is Ramona.

Now, go ask her to dance with you.

Well, I don't know...

Now, you want to know girls, don't ya?

Well, go on, dance like you been practicing.

Okay, go ahead.

Have-have I got the rhythm?

Yeah, you got it. Go on.

( "Nothing Could Be Finer Than to Be in Carolina" playing )

May I have this danst?

I'd be delighted.

It rained last week, you know?

Uh-huh, uh, yeah.

I was right there in it.

Goin' good, huh?

Yeah, he's got a good rhythm.

Yeah.

You want to dance with anybody?

No.

Oh, it's supposed to rain tonight,

but I don't think it will, do you?

Ma'am, you have to keep talking about rain?

Well... no.

What do you want to talk about?

Let's talk about me.

You want to know about me?

I don't spill at the table,

I don't throw food, and I try not to talk through my nose.

That's wonderful.

A-And I'm strong.

You know, I could lift you real easy, ma'am.

Mr. Gossage... No, I could.

Why don't you let me heft you once, huh?

No, I'll set you right down soon as you say, huh?

Here, here, here, here.

Oh! See that?

Mr. Gossage, you are strong.

I once held up a goat like this

whilst the vet give him a sh*t.

Oh, my.

Ladies and gentlemen,

now we're going to have our weekly...

Where's Mr. Gossage and Ramona?

Ramona, where are you?

We better go inside, I... Mm-hmm.

Ramona!

Oh, there you are.

I didn't think you'd want to miss this.

We're going to have a tag dance.

Now, you all know the rules:

When you're tagged, you give up your partner.

Ready?

( lively dance music playing )

Where do you suppose

Ernest T. and Ramona was off to?

I don't know.

Apparently, he didn't do nothin' wrong.

She seems to like him.

Yeah.

Ain't fair.

It's perfectly all right.

Now, if you want to dance with somebody else,

well, you just tag

and you get your turn.

Just like that?

ANDY: Just like that.

Didn't take.

Well, you didn't tag him firm enough.

Hmm?

Let him know you're there.

Tell him you're cuttin' in.

Give it to him firm?

That's the idea.

All right.

( guests yelling )

Cuttin' in.

He ain't going to get you away from me this way.

ANDY: Ernest T., Ernest T., put that girl down!

Oh, no! It's him... That animal! That creature!

Creatch-ture!

Who are you callin' a creatch-ture?

( Wiley screams )

ANDY: Ernest T., Ernest T., Ernest T!

( all shouting )

Get him out that door!

Get the door open!

Come on, Ernest T!

He-he wouldn't give me back my chosen woman.

It ain't fair!

And she called me a creatch-ture!

Doggone it, Ernest T. Bass,

I was right about you.

There ain't no changin' you.

You can't make a silk purse

out of a sow's ear.

I ain't no sow's ear,

and I ain't no creatch-ture!

Ernest T., just calm down!

I... I thank you for trying anyway, Sheriff.

I-I'll pay you for the clothins.

Forget it, Ernest T.

Let's go.

Well, I... I reckon I'll give up

my thoughts of femalin'.

Bachelor life ain't too bad if you get enough chipmunks

and squirrels to move in with you.

RAMONA: Yoo-hoo, Mr. Gossage, wait!

Wait for me!

Oh, Mr. Gossage, uh, you're not leaving, are ya?

Huh?

Well, I was hoping we could spend some more time together.

Y... You mean it, Romeena?

O' course, I do.

Why, I surely did enjoy our little talk

and-and our dance, and... ( chuckles )

the porch.

You mean when I...?

Yeah.

( goofy laughter )

Ooh-hoo!

Yahoo!

( Ernest guffawing )

Well, I guess it's true: There is a woman for every man.

You know, it's amazing. It's just amazing.

What?

Oh, I don't know, life's little tricks.

I mean the way things turned out.

Ramona Ancrum running off after Ernest T. Bass

the way she did.

It's just amazing.

It's the durndest thing I ever saw.

Now, what would cause a quiet, sweet, demure girl

to suddenly go ape?

I mean, she comes from such a respectable family.

The Ancrum Charcoal Company has been in business for years.

Well, you're getting close.

She's the granddaughter of Rotten Ray Ancrum.

Rotten Ray Ancrum?

Come down out of the hills in and burnt the town down.

Burnt the town?

And then went into the charcoal business?

Right.

You see? Blood will tell, breeding will out.

It's just fantastic.

You know, if you wrote this into a play,

nobody'd believe it.