04x22 - Andy's Vacation

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

I don't care, Harley.

I've told you three times not to dam up Snakeskin Creek.

It's not yours, it's the county's.

Now pull them branches and stones out of there!

BARNEY: All right, let's go, come on.

Let's go, move it right in here. ( both arguing at once )

Stand right over here.

Come on, let's go.

All right. Hold it, hold it, hold it!

I don't care, Harley.

I'm giving you one hour to knock that thing down.

Dang near caught me right in the eye.

It's not yours, Harley! It's the county's.

Coming home late reeking

of that town Muscatel.

MAN: I was at the... Hold it, hold it.

Will you people hold it? Knock it off! Knock it off!

Can't you see this man's... Shut up, Barney.

One hour, Harley, or I come out there

with a stick of dynamite.

I was only trying to get things quiet.

You didn't have to yell.

What's the trouble?

Maudie threw a live chicken at me.

The claws cut my shoulder,

and I dang near caught the beak with my eye...

All right, all right, hold it, hold it.

I'm the arresting officer.

I'll give the report.

Now, they both committed a ,

and Maudie committed a .

Barney, I'm too tired to look up the numbers.

What were they doing?

Well, the ... disturbing the peace... for both,

and for Maudie, the : as*ault with a deadly w*apon.

She threw a chicken at him.

Maudie, Maudie, Maudie, Maudie, Maudie.

( sighs )

Naylor, Naylor, Naylor... Barn.

What am I going to do with you?

Won't you people ever learn?

This is the third time this month

you've been in here for beatin' up on one another.

I had a right.

I sat there for three hours

watching my hogback go cold. Hogback, hogback.

All you ever cook is hogback...

( both arguing at once )

Now, don't start up again.

I'm not interested in what you're fighting about.

There's laws against husbands and wives

beatin' up on one another,

and I'm not gonna waste any time on you.

In my capacity as Justice of the Peace,

I'm fining you ten dollars or ten days in jail.

Ten dollars? ANDY: That's right.

Well, I ain't got ten dollars.

Well, you got one week

to get it, or you both go to jail.

If you got chickens to throw, you got chickens to sell.

Case is closed.

Get out of here.

Well, see what you done now?

( both arguing at once )

Ten dollars?

You heard me.

I'm tired of coddling these people.

From now on, when they break the law,

we either fine 'em or jail 'em.

Time we made things easy on ourselves around here.

All right, what is it?

What's what?

I'm not blind, fella.

It's pretty deep-rooted and subtle,

but I can always tell when something's bothering you.

There's nothing deep about it at all.

I've just had it!

I've been down here since : this morning

when the wind blew down Wally's sign,

and all day long,

it's been nothing but one crisis after another.

I've had it.

I'm sick of sheriffin'.

I'm sick of this room. I'm sick of this town.

Are you sick of me?

Well...

in a friendly sorta-hopin'- you'll-understand way,

yes, I am.

I'm sorry, Barn.

I'm-I'm just...

I'm just b*at to the socks, that's all.

Well, I told you.

I told you, didn't I?

Who told you if I didn't?

Take your vacation.

You had the middle two weeks of June coming with pay,

but, oh, no, not you.

"Summer tourists comin'.

I better stay on the job."

Well, I didn't think I ought to leave.

Well, now you're payin' for it.

What you need is a rest.

You ought to take at least a week off.

Oh, I don't know...

There's nothing to keep you here, Andy.

I can get Gomer as a deputy.

He's still sworn in from the flood.

Now, there's absolutely no reason

why you can't take a week off.

It might be nice, you know that?

Lay around home for a week, read the National Geographics,

kinda do a little gardening.

Garden...?

Andy, that's no vacation.

What you ought to do is get your blue suit cleaned,

pack your swimmin' trunks,

catch the sunburst special to that Miami Beach.

Get yourself a room and a bath in one of them beach cottages

and then all day long, you lie out under the sun,

eating saltwater taffy with one of them cute, blonde Miamians.

And then at night, you crank out the dark blue,

put a little Windsor knot in the old striped tie

and take in one of them rabbit girl clubs.

Va-va-va-voom!

I'll go and do it.

Attaboy!

( both chuckle )

Yes, sir, I'm gonna lay around home,

read the Geographics and just take it easy.

BARNEY: Deputy, ten-hut!

Mm-hmm.

Mm...

Am I police-worthy?

You're at attention, fella.

Gomer, about them shoes...

Well, I polished 'em

till I was blue in the knuckles.

Oh, sure, the toes and the sides are fine,

but look at the backs of 'em.

See what I mean?

Now, an old German soldier once told me,

always polish the backs of your shoes

'cause that's the last people see of you

and remember.

Well, I ain't marchin' off to w*r.

Ten-hut!

What'd you call me for?

All right. Well, before you start your vacation...

You know, so's you won't worry

about what's going on down here...

I thought maybe you'd like to come down,

take a look at the sheriff's department.

You called me all the way down here

from my vacation for that?

BARNEY: Yeah. Inspect us. Go ahead.

Barney, I'm on vacation.

I don't want to come down... Come on, now.

I spent a half an hour getting him ready.

Come on, just take a look at him

and tell me what you think.

Well...

your deputy's gonna have a tough time making an arrest.

BARNEY: W-What'd I forget?

Gomer's not wearing a badge.

Oh, yeah.

Gomer, a badge

is a policeman's most important piece of equipment.

Very most important.

I'll tell him that, Andy.

g*n, uniform, handcuffs

don't mean a thing without the badge.

Not a thing. I'll tell him.

And be sure you carry it with you at all times, Gomer.

Right, even... Even when you're in cities.

A policeman's on duty hours...

hour a day, a policeman's work is never done!

I'll tell him that.

Good. That's better, Gomer.

I'm sorry about the backs of my shoes.

What?

I didn't shine 'em.

Well, that's not important.

But Barney said that...

( clears throat ): Excuse us, Gomer, uh...

Andy, when you say things like that,

it's bad for morale.

What?

The backs of the shoes

was part of my disciplinary method.

Now, if you come in here and start underminin' me,

well, then my... my taut ship gets all loose.

A man of authority don't sit too well with Gomer.

I got to inspire him with my power and strength.

You been talking to that old German soldier again?

Now look, Andy, old Hugo Hopfleisch

might have been on the wrong team back in ' ,

but he was a heck of a soldier.

All right, you've inspected us,

so why don't you just go on home

and leave everything to me, okay?

Okay.

Andy... Andy, Edgar Coleman just called.

He heard some yelling at the courthouse.

You'd better get right back there.

( arguing )

I did not! I did not!

I said the keys are supposed to be hung

on the peg outside the cell door.

You didn't say "door," you said "drawer."

Ah, whoever heard of a peg outside a drawer?

I said door.

GOMER: You said drawer!

BARNEY: I never said nothin'...!

Where are the keys?

Uh... in the drawer.

See? I was right. You said drawer.

BARNEY: Oh, shut up, Gomer.

Will you just shut up?

You b*at everything, you know that?

You don't listen!

Andy, I don't see why you had to come down

and open the cell door.

I mean, you're supposed to be home relaxin'

and enjoying your vacation.

Somebody had to do it.

Well, we could have gotten out.

I mean, sooner or later,

somebody would have heard us yellin',

and they would have let us out.

Ain't so.

We yelled out the winder at five people,

and they just stood there and laughed.

Wanna stay out of this, Gomer?

Wanna just stay out of this?

Go on home, Andy.

Stay there.

In a minute.

Gomer...

this is where we keep the keys...

On the peg outside the cell door.

Cell door.

ANDY: Right. See?

If Barney forgets again, I'll remind him.

Now, you get on home and get to vacationin'.

We gonna be fine here.

ANDY: All right.

GOMER: Don't worry about a thing.

Well, Barney and Gomer, they'll check your doorknobs

every night as usual.

Right. Thanks, Arthur.

I'll try to enjoy it. Bye.

Andy, why don't you do what I suggested?

Pack a satchel and get out of town for a week.

Oh, I don't know...

Well, I'm giving you fair warning.

If people know you're home,

they'll be calling up, asking for things

and stopping by.

Oh, I think word'll get around I'm off duty.

It'll be all right.

( phone ringing )

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

I'll answer it.

You're on vacation, you know.

( chuckles )

Hello.

Oh, hello, Bunny.

What?

Uh, well, y-yes, he is.

Just a minute.

It's Bunny Caldwell.

Mm.

Hello, Miss Caldwell.

No, I'm fine, just taking a week off.

Yes, ma'am, he's completely authorized.

Gomer gave her a parking ticket.

Well,

that's been illegal parking for some time now.

The law says no parkin' between : and :

on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

It's so Mr. Martinelli can sweep out his meat market.

The public voted on it.

She knows that. She's just bickering.

No, no, no, no, ma'am, d-don't bring the fine out here.

Just pay Barney at the courthouse.

That's right.

Bye.

Oh, that Bunny Caldwell.

She knows perfectly well that law was passed.

If she'd spend more...

Aunt Bee, Aunt Bee, I'm on vacation.

( sighs )

( sighs )

( clears throat )

Hi, Andy.

Well, hi, Barn.

What's up?

No problems.

Now, this won't take a minute.

I-I just need, uh, an extra set of handcuff keys.

You know, just in case.

Oh, I think I got a set here in my pocket.

Hey, Andy.

Hey, Gomer.

Take both of you to come out for some keys?

You got the keys there, Andy?

Yeah. Can I have an apple?

Oh, sure. Help yourself. Gomer!

( sighs )

Just had to have an apple, huh?

Now, look, Andy, it ain't as if we ruined

your vacation or anything.

I mean, you didn't have to come down to the courthouse.

All it amounts to is having a little conversation

with a couple of friends on your front porch.

Okay. Just, uh, kind of try to watch it, will ya?

Sure.

Had to practice cuff-slappin', huh?

Next time, let me know...

Barn, you want to take your disciplinary action

down to the courthouse?

This front porch conversation

is giving me kind of a headache.

Yes, sir.

Come on, Houdini.

( ringing )

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Cruteck.

Your what?

Well, why don't you call the courthouse,

and Barney will come and get your cat down

out of the tree.

Yes, ma'am, Barney will bring the ladder right over there

and get Queenie down for you.

Oh-oh, h-he's very good at that.

Well, n-no, ma'am, I'm-I'm not sick. No, ma'am.

Well... well, you see, I can't because I don't have the ladder.

That's right. Barney has the ladder.

Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. Bye.

Aunt Bee,

will you toss some canned goods in my knapsack?

Of course. Maybe a little bacon, my skillet?

Good. Where are you going?

I'm going to the mountains for a week.

If I get any more of this resting at home, I'll go crazy.

I got to get away from here.

Well, I told you! Now you're talking sense.

Now, don't tell anybody where I've gone.

Silence is my game, mum's my name...

Tick-a-lock!

( sighs )

Get the cells

when you're through out here, Gomer.

Right, Chief.

Sheriff Taylor?

BARNEY: Uh, why, no.

I'm Deputy Fife, actin' sheriff

in Sheriff Taylor's absence.

What can I do for you?

We nailed an escaped convict

from Lentwood Federal Prison.

Way over here? That's over miles away.

We picked him up miles outside of town.

I'm going to have to leave him in your custody.

Oh, sure, sure.

I've notified the federal marshals.

They'll pick him up tomorrow afternoon.

Well, you just bring him in.

We'll give maximum security.

What's maximum security?

That's keys in the drawer.

All right, let's go. Move it, fella.

Come on, we'll get you in cell two here.

All right, move along. In there, come on.

That's it. There we go.

Sign this receipt, Sheriff, and he's officially yours.

Okay.

There you go.

See you, boys.

All right.

Boo!

I think we better get a hold of Andy.

This feller's a mean one.

Are you kidding? I can handle him.

GOMER: Well, Barney, this is big.

I think we better get Andy.

BARNEY: No! I'm gonna call him.

BARNEY: Put that phone down.

I'll make the decisions around here.

But, Barney... Will you forget Andy?

Right now there is no Andy, and I'm in charge.

Talk about a guy foldin' up in combat.

What are you afraid of, anyway?

Well, it's not that I'm afraid.

It's just that I'd feel better

if somebody of a more official nature than you

was in charge.

Now, look, I've had ten years on this b*at.

I've logged ten solid years of handling prisoners

of every form, shape and parcel.

Now, that man is in there.

He's gonna stay in there, so stop worrying.

Howdy.

Howdy.

I was downwind of your bacon.

I couldn't help following it up.

Oh, you're hungry.

Yeah, I sure am.

I was out after quail.

I got caught in a rockslide,

lost my g*n, my whole camp.

Well, now, that's a shame.

Here.

Help yourself to coffee.

Thanks.

Aunt Bee says Andy's up in the mountains.

What part of the mountains? I know what part.

The only one who has to know what part's the one that's drivin'.

Who's driving? Oh, just get in the car.

Hey, Sheriff, just tell me one thing, huh?

What did I say?

What did I say that gave me away?

Oh, different things.

Says you was huntin' quail.

Everybody knows quail's out of season.

And for another thing,

them shoes kinda give you away.

They're prison shoes.

Different things.

Ah. That ought to hold you.

How long you gonna leave me here?

Well, I got to go across the lake

to the ranger's station for some help.

Well, I'll freeze to death.

Hmm.

Here.

This is pretty warm.

There.

That ought to do it.

I'll be back as quick as I can.

Hey, Barn,

don't you think we ought to make up

some animal noises in case we get separated?

I could be an owl and go "hoo, hoo."

And you could go "chic-achee, chic-achee"

like a squirrel.

That way I'd know it's you.

Look, Gomer, you just yell, "Hey, Barn,"

and I'll yell, "Hey, Gomer," okay?

That might work.

Can I take a peek?

Hands off.

You never do let me look.

Here.

You don't even know how to use 'em.

You see anything?

A man tied to a tree.

Hey, mister, you're all tied up to a tree.

He knows that.

What happened, fella?

( using a higher voice ): I was out hunting

when this escaped convict jumped me

and took my gear.

Get me loose, will you?

Sure thing.

Was it a big fella with a denim jacket?

That's the guy.

Which way'd he go?

He headed north along the lake shore.

There you go, mister.

Thanks a lot.

North along the shore, huh?

Hey, mister!

Poor devil.

It happens every time a civilian

comes up against a hardened criminal.

Let's go, Gomer.

North? That's right.

That's where the convict went. Ain't we gonna look for Andy?

Well, not if we can get the prisoner first.

You think I wanna let Andy know

we let him get away in the first place?

There he is.

Big cuss, ain't he?

Not very.

Anxiety magnifies fearsome objects.

Huh?

Nothing.

Here. You cover me.

I'm gonna take him alive.

You ready?

Ready.

You ready?

Ready.

Are you ready?

Ready.

( yelling )

You got him! You got him, Barney!

You got him!

Andy!

Barney, you got Andy.

Wanna just let me up, Ange?

What in the world are you doin'?

Well, we thought you were a convict.

You see, this feller

that was tied up to the tree told us...

You didn't let him go?!

Well, you see, what happened was...

Come on.

Hold it.

We ain't gettin' anywhere this way.

We gonna have to split up.

See, Barn, I told you.

I can be an owl and go "hoo, hoo."

Hold it, Gomer. You go that way.

Barney, you go that way,

and I'll take the center.

Okay. Wait a minute.

You guys didn't give him a g*n or anything, did you?

What do you take us for, a couple of idiots?

Hold it!

I got him, Andy!

I got him! I got him!

Over here, Andy!

All right, let's go.

I got him, Andy! I got him over here!

Andy, I got him!

Gomer, Gomer, turn Barney loose.

Gomer... Gomer, turn Barney loose.

I got the prisoner here.

You b*at everything, you know that?

Go on.

Well, how'd I know it was you?

From the back, it coulda been anybody.

Oh, shut up, Gomer. Just shut up.

"The pursuit led

"through thick woods and heavy underbrush.

"Even though darkness was falling

"and vision was reduced to a minimum,

Sheriff Taylor and his deputies, Pyle and Fike..."

Fike.

He always spells my name wrong.

"Pyle and Fike made the capture

"and subsequent arrest.

"'He was a tough customer, ' Fike was quoted as saying,

'but we got him.'"

Well, that was one of the toughest days

I ever spent on the force.

You know that, Ange?

Yeah. Yeah, it was.

I'll tell you what, Barn.

Seeing as how it was so tough,

how would you like to take a week off?

Huh? I mean it.

Go up to Raleigh, get yourself a corner room at the Y,

really live it up.

Do you mean that?

Sure, I mean it.

Starting right now, you got a week off.

Well, that sounds great.

Starting right now?

Right now.

Now, you better get out of here 'fore I change my mind.

I'm gonna do it. I'll see ya.

I'll see ya.