Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Sam.
Ha!
Doug Aducci.
Hey, guys, look at this.
It's Doug Aducci,
one of the best damn umpires
in the American League.
And, uh, Sam here
was one of the best, uh,
groomed pitchers in the
American League, huh?
SAM: Sit down here.
God, I can't believe this.
Last time I saw this guy,
we were playing the Yankees.
You were behind
the plate, ninth inning.
I was on the mound, up by one.
He calls ball four on Munson.
Next guy up is Chambliss,
knocks one right
out of the park.
Not that I care, man, but,
you know, that was a strike.
No, if I called it a
ball, it was a ball, Sam.
(chuckles)
It was right at the knees.
It must have been low.
No, no, man, you gave me
the same pitch on Roy White.
That was 1975, Sam.
It's over.
The point is that Chambliss
should never have come up.
Look, Malone, I
said it was over!
All I'm asking, Aducci...
If that's your real name...
Is that you be
consistent, for God's sake!
I mean, that was my livelihood!
That's enough, Malone!
Go get my drink!
Hey, get your own drink!
What?! You heard...
What, are you hard
of hearing, too?!
That's it! You're out of here!
You'd throw me out for that?!
Take a hike, Malone, right now!
I'll take a hike, but
not before I do this!
You stupid... I
can't believe it!
(grunting angrily)
Eh, it may have been a strike.
I was going through
a divorce that year.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ The troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Morning, everybody.
ALL: Norm!
Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
The warranty on my liver.
Oh, Sammy, this town is
going down the tubes, I tell you.
Why do you say that?
Well, they're installing
parking meters up there.
Yeah, I'll have to carry a
big pocket full of change.
It's gonna ruin the
line of my pants.
Have to go up there every two
hours, feed the damned meter.
Well, you want me
to tell you when two
hours is up, Mr. P.? No,
I'll know, Woody.
Every 87 sips.
(door opens)
I don't accept that, Frasier.
This shouldn't be happening.
Well, Lilith, I warned you
on the night that we
conceived little Frederick
that raising a child would
not be all roses and rainbows.
No, as I recall,
the exact words you
uttered that night were,
"Who cares about
the next 20 years?
Let's get nasty."
It's just like you to
miss the inner meaning.
You guys okay?
Well, we've just received
some very sobering news.
Well, you're going to
have to feed that meter
just like everybody
else, Dr. Crane.
Yes, Woody.
Well, the other thing
that has us so distraught
is our son's development.
Frederick is nearly a year old
and has yet to
speak his first word.
Since we were both so concerned,
we decided to have our little
man evaluated by a colleague
who specializes in
child development.
Oh. What'd he say?
He confirmed our worst fears.
Frederick is... average.
ALL: Ooh.
Goodness.
It's not funny.
Oh, really, Lilith.
You didn't expect any sympathy
here in Mayberry, did you?
Frasier, two people
as gifted as we are
were never meant to
have an average baby.
It's so unjust.
Well, it's not the end
of the world, my love.
So he won't be as
erudite as his parents.
He can still lead a
happy, normal life
like the rest of these people.
And...
the new record... 53!
Yes!
Yeah.
It's your fault, Lilith! What?
Yes, obviously you have
an inferior gene pool.
Me?
Well, I didn't
have a grandfather
who was a butter and
egg man in New Jersey.
Mother warned me
you'd say you love me,
but sooner or later,
you'd bring that up.
Lilith, Lilith, I'm sorry.
My grandfather wasn't
even in America at that time.
If he had been, he wouldn't
be hawking butter and eggs.
Hi, guys.
Hey. Hey.
Oh, hi, Miss Howe.
You got a letter here
from Mr. Colcord.
Oh, thanks, Woody.
It smells like cinnamon.
Yeah, Robin's working
in the bakery now.
They put him in
charge of sticky buns.
So what's the word
from our man in the pokey?
"Dear Rebecca,
"I miss you very much.
"The days go by so slowly here.
I lie on my cot and
dream about your..."
Dream about your what?
Face.
My smile, my pleasant demeanor.
Come on.
What does it say?
You guys, this is private.
I don't want to read it to you.
I'd be happy with
just the verbs.
Hey, get a load of
this pencil sketch
of her demeanor.
Ooh.
Come on, Carla.
How can life be so unfair?
They put this sweet,
wonderful, dirty man behind bars
without conjugal visits.
Three years
I saved myself for a man
and what did I end up with?
A two-month window of sex.
Oh, you know, uh, when
my brother was in the Army,
he used to visit
Amsterdam all the time.
He said they have a
window of sex on every block.
Yeah, I, uh, I
saved the letters.
You might like them, Miss Howe.
No thanks, Woody.
Okay, Miss Howe.
No hurry on those
letters, Mr. Clavin.
Frasier, would you
like to hear my theory
as to why Frederick
is not progressing
as well as he should?
Something tells me
I wouldn't, my love.
Uh, Woody, uh, two
more drinks, please.
It's both our fault.
We don't spend
enough time with him.
We're too busy with our careers.
He's being raised
by a housekeeper.
There is no
consistency in his life.
I agree, Lilith.
As you know, we rarely agree,
as you're a behaviorist
and I'm a strict Freudian,
but it does make
for some, some, some
hot, angry sex in the boudoir.
I don't have to tell you.
(laughs)
I wish you hadn't.
Let's face facts.
We should let the
housekeeper go.
One of us should be
with our child at all times.
The only question is: Which one?
Well, you, of course.
Why me, of course?
Because I'm the woman?
Why is the man's work
automatically more important?
I'm making great breakthroughs
in my current research project.
Yes, well,
damn me to an
eternity driving a Yugo,
but I make more money than you.
I write more books in one
year than you read, Frasier.
Yes, well, I have many degrees.
Hey, hold it.
I-I'll settle this.
Let's pick an arbitrary
way to make the decision.
All right, whoever has the
most freckles on their arm
stays home with the baby.
(sighs)
I think that's an
excellent way to choose.
Oh, you would say that.
You have no
pigmentation in your skin.
For God's sake, what
are we arguing about?
Who should stay
home with our child?
It's not a punishment,
it's an honor.
I'd love to.
I'd be delighted to stay
home and nurture my child.
Oh, Lilith, you role-play
the mother so well.
If we can't make a commitment
to be with our child
at all cost, who can?
I agree.
The most important thing
is to be with Frederick
during his formative years.
Say, I have a thought.
In celebration
of this realization,
we'll have dinner together
tonight, just the two of us.
And Frederick.
Of course.
Oh, oh, did you want to come?
(laughs)
Afternoon again, everybody.
ALL: Norm!
What'll you have
this time, Norm?
A cow, if I have to climb
those stairs one more time.
I am sick of this.
Every two hours, it's up the
stairs and down to the corner,
over to the meter, put
the coin, down the stairs...
At least you're getting
exercise, huh, Mr. Peterson?
I get my exercise, Woody.
What, do you think I
just hop off the bar stool
and bam... there's a bathroom?
No.
N-No, n-n-no, it's way
down the hall, Woody.
SAM: Hey, Rebecca.
Total up those
receipts from last night?
Rebecca!
Huh?
Receipts.
Oh. No.
Well, it's 3:00.
What have you
been doing all day?
I've been writing this
reply to Robin's letter.
Oh, come... hey, write
that on your own time,
will you, for goodness' sake?
How are you going
to get work done
if all you do is
think about sex?
I don't know, Sam.
How do you do it?
I'm a boy, it's my job.
Fine, I'll get your receipts.
(chuckles) Sam, don't you think
you were a little
tough on Miss Howe?
I mean, she's hardly ever happy.
So what if she was late
totaling up some
dumb old receipts?
Oh, maybe you're right.
Maybe I was a
little tough on her.
Sam, is this all the
vermouth we have?
Yeah, Rebecca was
supposed to order some more.
She probably forgot.
Oh, well, now, that's just tops.
Hey, Miss Howe, you were
supposed to order more vermouth!
We pay you for
an eight-hour day,
we expect eight hours!
Sometimes I wonder,
Sam, what are they thinking?
Good afternoon, everyone.
Sam, just a quick iced tea.
I've got my obsessive-compulsive
group to preside over.
You can imagine
how punctual they are.
SAM: Ha.
What time does it start?
Well,
now.
Boy, the next 15 minutes
are really going to
drive them bonkers.
But that's exactly
what they need.
Dr. Crane, I've got
some messages here
from Mrs. Dr. Crane.
Yes, Woody? Yes, well,
she called to say
she thinks Freddy
might have a diaper rash
and she can't find
the A & D Ointment.
And then she called back to
say she found the ointment,
but would it be better
to use talcum powder?
Mm-hmm.
And then she called
back to say never mind,
she's just gonna, uh,
leave the diaper off
and let Freddy air
out his little bottom.
And then she
called one last time
to ask where the
carpet cleaner is.
Oh, my God.
SAM: Everything okay?
Oh, everything's fine, Sam.
We just made one
horrible mistake.
What's that?
We left the child
alone with its mother.
Carla, you got a minute?
What do you need, Becks?
I'm trying to write
an appropriate reply
to Robin's letter.
Well, I don't seem to be
able to... express myself.
You want to send
a "Smut-O-Gram."
And I was wondering
if you could help me
since you're the closest
thing to a sailor I know.
Step into my office
and rejoice in the filth.
All right, so this is
what I've got so far.
"Dear Robin, I am writing
you this letter while lying...
naked in the tub."
Let me just stop
you right there.
"I'm writing you this letter
while lying naked
on my kitchen table."
Whoa!
That is good.
Well, there's a lot
more depth to me
than just being a
waitress, you know.
Okay.
"Just thinking of
you makes me hot.
It..." Oh, no, no,
no, no, not hot, no.
Write this.
Okay.
"I'm on fire."
Fire.
"I'm churning, I'm burning.
"I want something, anything.
"I reach for a piece of fruit...
"an orange, a ripe orange,
"big and sweet.
"I peel back the skin...
"slowly.
"My fingernails
tear into the pulp.
The juice runs down my"...
You know, that orange
isn't going to work
because the juice
burns his ulcers.
Oh!
Look, if you're not
going to get into the spirit
of soft p*rn, just
forget about it.
No, Carla, you're right.
I know. Who am I fooling?
I can't write this stuff.
Besides, what
good is a dirty letter?
Just fun words on
a piece of paper.
You know, you're right.
You need your man.
We got to sneak
you into that prison
so you can get what you need.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Yeah, let's go. Oh,
but wait a minute,
wait a minute, I don't
know which cell is Robin's.
How will we find him?
It has to be Robin?
Th-There's lots
of guys in there.
You might find
someone you like better.
Come on.
It's a minimum security prison.
How hard could it be?
I mean you're allowed to visit
him anytime you want, right?
Yeah.
So what you do
is you find some secluded spot.
Oh, you know, the garden
area is usually deserted.
Great, great.
I'll stand watch
and you can stay with
him as long as you want.
Oh, it shouldn't take long.
He's English.
Sam, we're going to be
gone for a couple hours.
Girl stuff.
Girl stuff? Why do
they always say that?
What does that mean?
Oh, Sam, I didn't
want to know that.
Greetings, all.
The boys are out
for an adventure.
SAM: Hey-hey!
I'm glad to see you guys.
Has the little dude
said his first word yet?
Well, I thought so,
but then I checked my unabridged
Oxford English dictionary
and I was unable to
find the word "gak."
Sam, may I have a beer, please,
and could you warm up this
formula for my little angel?
(Frederick crying)
Oh, pipe down!
You saw me give
the bottle to Sam.
Does, does water
just boil instantly? No!
He'll warm it,
then you'll get it!
And it'll be
yum-yum-yum-yum-yum.
So, uh...
going a little rough
there, Dr. Mom?
Well, let's just say
that since I have become the
primary caregiver to Frederick,
I have a newfound respect
for those who have decided
to stay home and
dedicate their lives
to the raising
of their children.
I have also realized
that if I were to do it
for any amount of time,
you would soon hear stories
of me sitting naked in a tower
with a high-powered r*fle.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah.
See, as a rule, your, uh,
psycho K*llers
don't have families.
Nah, they're,
uh, they're loners.
They may have jobs,
they're good to their mothers,
but, by and large,
they sit alone at
night in a dark room,
writing their depraved
thoughts in a diary.
Cliffie, you keep
a diary, don't you?
I, uh, keep a journal, Norm.
A journal!
So does Lilith know
you guys are over here?
Oh, yes, of course, Sam.
I told her that I was just
taking our 11-month-old baby
out for a tall one.
The irony is I got
myself into this pickle.
I convinced Lilith that with my
background and clinical skills,
I should be the one to take
primary care of the child,
not her.
Naturally, she
took it personally.
I was somehow denigrating
her competency as a mother.
Boy, you look cross-eyed
at a woman these days...
So she does know you're here?
Well, no, no.
I didn't fill her in on our
itinerary for the entire day,
but she won't
question my judgment.
I have assumed complete
responsibility for the child
and I see no problem with
him being in this environment.
Hey, look,
with a cigar in his hand, he
looks just like Baby Herman.
If Lilith calls, we're not here.
Your Colcord should be out here.
REBECCA: Oh, my God.
The whole prison's here.
What's going on?
It's one of our
inmate's birthdays...
Congressman Bailor.
He's hosting a little
barbecue for the men.
He's from Texas, you know.
Oh, man.
I don't think I can go
through with this here.
The thought of a lot of
people being a few feet away,
and somebody could
discover us at any minute.
What, you're saying
that like it's a bad thing.
Part of me wants to stay here
and the other part
of me wants to run.
All of me wants to strip down,
lay on the grass,
and yell, "Fumble!"
All right.
I've come this far.
It wasn't the bad investments
that ruined my S & L,
it was the free
checking accounts.
Robin! Whoo!
Rebecca, what a surprise.
Hello.
Oh, have you met the boys?
No, but I've seen
all of you on TV.
Yeah, uh, boys, would you
excuse us for a moment?
Darling.
Robin, I got your letter.
Oh, yeah, I hope
I didn't go too far.
Did you mean
everything you said?
Every word.
And those little drawings
in the margin, yeah.
Then I have got
a surprise for you.
Rebecca, wh... there's
a party going on here.
Uh, darling.
Aah!
Rebecca, darling, darling.
No, no, no.
W-W-We, we can't. It's
not... no, no, it's okay.
It's okay, no one will see.
Carla's right over there on
the other side standing guard.
(laughs)
Settle down, boys, settle down.
Darling, darling,
darling, you know...
You know I want you
more than anything,
but we just can't
take the chance.
Why?
I can be quiet.
(chuckling): Quiet, no, no.
No, it's, it's not that...
And I'd feel
insulted if you were...
But I've just heard
wonderful news.
I'm up for early
parole next month.
Oh! That's good!
You see, so I can't do anything
that would jeopardize that,
um, and, well, this is one
of the few rules, and, um,
you know, while
I, I burn for you,
I must adhere
to it or I'll be here
for another year.
Now, you do understand
that, don't you?
Sure, I do.
You don't want to be
in jail for another year.
But what about my needs?!
Carla, we're out of here!
(men groaning)
Gee whiz, Cliff, why
don't you give it up?
It's been an hour.
Let's let Frederick
have a chance.
No, if he wants to play with it,
let him ask me himself.
Cliff, you know
he can't speak yet.
And what a cruel
irony that you can.
SAM: Norm.
It's 5:00, time to
feed the meter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have had it, Sam.
No more of this climbing
up the stairs every two hours.
You're not leaving me
for another bar, are you?
Oh, no, I'm going
to sell my car.
FRASIER: 5:00 already?
We've been here all day.
Time to get the little guy
home, huh, Dr. Crane?
Well,
Lilith doesn't get
home until 6:00.
Say, darts, anyone?
Paul? Yeah, sure.
Cliff, you coming?
Uh, yeah, I'll be right there.
(grunts angrily)
This thing's harder than
the civil service exam.
What a waste.
Not for me.
I got 15 dates lined up.
Of course, none of
them start for a year.
I got no romance, no
satisfaction, no nothing.
Come on, you don't have nothing.
You got a purse full of ribs.
What? Sure.
I took the liberty
of filling you up.
The sauce is in the
change compartment.
Hey, cheer up.
He said he'd be out
in a couple of months.
Yeah, sure, so what am I
supposed to do until then?
Tell you what.
There's, uh, some construction
workers down the street.
What about you
and I go cruising?
(chuckles)
No, I can't cheat on Robin.
Man, I thought we
were going to be close.
Well, maybe it wouldn't hurt
if we just paraded around them
and frustrate them a little bit.
There you go.
Let's do it. All right.
Let's spread the pain around.
Where are you guys going?
BOTH: Girl stuff.
Ick!
(door opens)
Hello, Sam.
Hey, Lilith.
Query: If I had a problem
and needed to talk
to someone about it,
would it be
perpetuating a stereotype
to actually select a bartender?
Well, that, that depends.
On what?
On what you just said.
I feel like a failure...
A failure as a mother, ergo
as a woman and a person.
Do you make a drink for
failures here at Cheers?
Uh, hold on a sec... Phil,
what are you drinking?
A Manhattan.
Manhattan.
You know,
sweetheart, I'd bet
my bottom dollar
that you're a pretty good mom.
Yes, well, considering
that endorsement comes
from a perennial Peter Pan
with no sense of maturity
or obligation, you'll excuse
me if I don't leap over the bar,
embrace you, and
say, "Really, Sam?
You think so?"
Well, glad I could
be there for you.
I'm sorry.
Perhaps I'm just bitter
because Frasier is succeeding
with our son where I failed.
He is indeed a better influence
on my precious baby.
Hey, guess what, everybody?
Little Frederick
b*at Cliff at darts.
Frasier!
Uh-oh. What are you doing here?
I didn't give my son to
you so you could run off
and spend the day
in a bawdy house.
Yes, well, my, my
little chopped salad,
I mean, we just got here,
what, ten minutes ago.
You're lying.
Well, yes, I'm lying, but, uh...
I-I thought that Frederick
might enjoy himself.
Enjoy himself in a bar?
He's 11 months old.
What kind of values
can he learn here?
Well, I-I thought the
place had a lot to offer.
Oh, please, he'll never learn
to speak in this environment.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm!
He said "Mommy."