02x33 - Miniature Golf

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Suite Life of Zack & Cody". Aired: March 18, 2005 - September 1, 2008.*
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Comedy centered around twin brothers Zack & Cody living at the Tipton Hotel with their single mother who is a lounge singer.
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02x33 - Miniature Golf

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey, ella,

It's zack
from biology.

Yeah, the one who hit
you with the spitball.

Well--well, I was aiming
at my brother.

[laughs nervously]

How many is that?

.

Ohh!

You can do it.

Well, maybe you
just need a little
inspiration.

...

.

Oh. Oh, that?

Yeah, that's just
my brother counting off

How many one-arm
push-ups I'm doing.

She's not gonna
fall for that.

So it's a date, then.

And I know nothing.

.

[panting]

Honey, that was
my reward.

Well, isn't being
a mother reward enough?

I think there's a vending
machine in the basement.

Well, if I walk down,
I can have two candy bars.

If I walk back up...

I'd better get more quarters.

Zack: Cody, I have a date
with ella this Saturday,

And I need you to go
with us.

Oh, no. I know
what you're doing,

And I'm not
going out with
her creepy sister...

Would you ju--
nor her
brother...

Or her dog.

Would you relax?

You can go with
whoever you want.

Why do I need to go
with you at all?

Because I really want
to impress ella.

And no matter what
we end up doing,

You just make
me look better.

As flattering
as that is, I can't.

I've got
a study date

With
barbara brownstein.

Well, perfect. You can
study on your date.

So, where do you want
to take the ladies, then?

How about the library?
That's where barbara
and I are going.

Oh, so you like
the library.

Well, here's something
that's long overdue.

Ow!

I want to take the ladies
somewhere cool.

Let's go
miniature golfing.

What's so cool about
miniature golfing?

"here, honey.
Let me show you
how it's done."

Oh, I get it.

[sniffs]

But you might want
to take a shower first.

Must have been
all those one-arm
push-ups, huh?

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are
in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

[snaps fingers]

Ooh, what's that,
a book-shaped purse?

No, silly.
It's a real book.

I'm reading it
for my book club.

"pride and prejudice"

Is a great book.

Well, I'm impressed.

I mean, what inspired
you to join a book club?

Well, tiffany started it.

And everybody who's
anybody is in it.
I'm not.

Exactly.

There's no way I'm gonna
be left out of a club,

Even if it means reading
some boring old book.

Want to be a part
of the lend maddie
a million dollars club?

Sorry. I don't get my
allowance till next week.

We really should
be studying.

Don't worry. Before
I left, I slipped some
flash cards in my pocket.

Cody, you're so resourceful.

Next!

But...

This pencil
is broken.

They're all broken.

Lousy kids.

You know,

Your hair looks
really pretty

Under the glow of
the tiki torches.

Thanks.

Wait until you see it
blowing under the windmill.

You should see my hair
under the windmill.

Yeah. How do you
think it got that way?

I heard that.

Don't look
her directly
in the eyes.

Boy, this looks kind
of complicated.

Not really.

All you have to
do is look at it like
an isosceles triangle

With the giraffe on
a line intersecting
it diagonally.

Then if you calculate
the angle of trajectory,

You should be able
to find

The coordinates
of the optimal
target zone.

I should have brought
my protractor.

Oh, I have one.

The angle champ ?

I got it for hanukkah.

Zack: Come on,
people.

We don't have
all day.

Now, putt out.

All right, ella,
let me give you
a few pointers

On this hole.

You need to use
a light grip.

Like this?

Oh, perfect.

Now, don't
worry, babe.

If you miss
this hole, I'll give
you a do-over.

Oh, yay!

Yeah. Ahem.

Well, it was
a hole in one.

[chuckles nervously]

Well, the first
hole is always
the easiest.

Ah, yeah.

You want a do-over?

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, you see I'm
usually playing on
a real golf course,

And I'm used
to bigger hippos.

Great sh*t,
ella.

Well, beginner's luck.
Yeah.

[deadpan]
yeah, great.

Yes!

No!

Yes!

I thought your shift
was over, madeline.

It is,

But I thought I'd stay
and do a little inventory.

Couldn't resist
listening in

On london's book
club, could you?

Oh, I can't help it.

It's just too bizarre.

Ok, everyone, let's get
the discussion started.

It's about time.

Can we talk about paris?

Did you guys see

That hideous pink dress she
wore to the gala last night?

It looked like she
threw up a flamingo.

They're not even
discussing the book.

And you're
surprised because?

Tiffany: So...

My daddy's getting
me a new car

Because some bugs
got smashed on
the windshield.

See, that's why
I don't drive mine.
I just take the limo.

All right, guys, enough
about fashion and cars.

Let's get serious.

What do you think
of my hair?

I am horrified.

Oh, I think her hair
looks good.

It's shiny.

Oh, I can't take it
any more.

What? Oh, madeline!

London, did you actually
read "pride and prejudice"?

Yes.

Well, what's the main
character's name?

Pride?

No. I bet none
of you read it.

My butler read it.

But while he was
telling me about it,
my cell phone rang.

It was bradley wiggins.

He's cute.

He's thinking of dumping
allison for me.

No!
No!

The purpose of a book club
is to read books.

If you want to gossip,
maybe you should form
a gossip club.

Great! Let's start
a gossip club.

Everybody will be
talking about it.

Who's in?

No. Put your hands
down. You know,

This book would be
wasted on you anyway.

Even if you read it,
you wouldn't be able
to comprehend it

Or engage in
an analytical
discussion.

What is she
talking about?

I'm not sure.

But I think she
insulted us.

London: We'll prove
to you that we can read
this book, right, girls?

Yes!
Yes!

In fact, we're gonna
start right now.

Who's hungry?

Me.
Me!

Are you gonna hit
the ball or what...

Sweetie?

If she sinks this,
it'll be her ninth
hole in one.

But who's counting?

They are.

[applause]

I came here
to impress ella,

And so far,
she's beaten me at every hole.

Well, I think
she was impressed

By how far you
threw your club

After your ball
got stuck in
the dragon's nostril.

Barbara:
Yeah.

It made it to
the other side
of the highway.

That sucker
flew.

Granted that my game
has been off,

But I'm gonna own
this hole.

You want
another do-over?

No, I don't want
a stinking do-over.

And I don't need you
feeling bad for me either.

Cody: Ok!

I think it's time
to tally up.

Ella, it looks like you scored
a near perfect game.

[applause]

Don't you people
have something
else to do?

Cody: Now let's figure
out zack's score.

...

Ok, ok. Ella won.

We don't need
to hear the rest.

But I wanted
to know my score.

That's ok, cody.
I memorized
every sh*t.

You were
two above par.

Oh, by
the way, zack.

You sh*t a

Not counting
the ball you
bit in half.

[laughs nervously]

Woman: You bend it, you buy it!

Lousy kid.

Can you pass me
a hard boiled egg?

Cody martin lines
up the putt.

It's a difficult lie.

Can I just have
my egg?

There's a slight breeze
out of the northwest.

The crowd is hushed.

The crowd is hungry.

It's got a chance.

Somebody's a bad loser.

I got b*at by a girl.

It's the most
embarrassing thing

That's ever
happened to me.

More embarrassing
than the time

You were in gym class
climbing the rope
and your shorts fell off?

That was you.

Look...

I just don't think
it's gonna work
out with ella.

Aw. Why? You really
liked her yesterday.

Zack's upset because
he got creamed by a girl
at miniature golf.

Look, I don't
mind being beaten
by a girl

If it's girl stuff.

Zack, I cannot believe
you're being that shallow.

Face it, mom. He's as
shallow as a kiddy pool.

At least I'm not
afraid to swim in one.

Look, I'm just not gonna
go out with ella again.

But you have to.

Barbara can only go
out on group dates.

Her parents
don't trust her alone

With a bad boy like me.

Zack, I really think you
need to get past your ego

And give this girl
and yourself another chance.

You know what? I am gonna
give her another chance.

Good idea, mom.

And you're right.
I'll call her.

Good.

I'm gonna go for
a jog.

I hope that
drive-through
doughnut shop

Will serve me
if I'm on foot.

I just hope you don't
act like a jerk again
around ella.

No, no. I'm gonna
be a perfect
gentleman.

And we're going back
to putt-putt party,

And I'm gonna
politely pummel her
to a pulp.

I did it!

I finished reading
the book. So there.

I even got
a paper cut.

Is that
a cashmere bandage?

As opposed to...

Never mind.

So what did you think
of the book?

Well, I thought it
was a classic tale

Of love and
misunderstanding

With beautiful
scenery and
compelling images,

Lit beautifully with
fine performances
by the whole cast.

Ok, you just
saw the movie.

I did not!
I read the review,

Which is reading.

Oh, london,

"pride and prejudice"
is wonderful.

It's filled with drama,

Despair,
romance, passion.

Ooh! It sounds like
one of my soap operas.

Exactly.

You see, there are
these sisters.

And one of them
runs off

With a ne'er-do-well
soldier.

Another is
in love with a man

Who is much richer
than she is.

But his
sister is trying
to break them up.

And the main
characters--

Elizabeth
and darcy--

They love each
other passionately,

But neither one
will admit it.

Out of pride
and prejudice?

Yes.

So what happens?

Do they end up together?

You'll have
to read the book.

Ow!

Reading is dangerous.

I can do this.

I'm the man.

I'm a golfing god.

Whoa!

I'm in big trouble.

Really, um,

Mr. Moseby,
I can explain.

There was this--I was...

Oh, heck,
just start yelling.

Zack, you golf?


Gee, I was kind
of expecting more of,

[imitating british accept]
"I want you out of
my hotel this instant

You diminutive demon."

I myself am a fan
of the game of golf.

I've been playing it
since I was no taller
than a -iron.

Do you know anything
about miniature golf?

[making silly
sounds]

Ha! Do I?!

I was a junior
putt-putt champion.

Pow. Those other
competitors would
quake with fear

When they'd
see me coming
with big beulah.

Was big beulah the name
of your club?

Nope. My mother.

Beulah moseby.

That woman is
pounds of
fire and brimstone,

That and pounds
of coffee cake.

So you'll help me?

Mm-mm. Too busy.

Well, you know,
if I take up golf,

I'll be out of the hotel more.

Call me coach!

All right, this is
your final test.

I have turned the lobby
into the ultimate
putt-putt hole.

Do you really think
I can do this?

Yes, grasshopper.

But only if you
believe you can.

I believe I can.
I believe I can.

I also believed I could
pass history last semester,

And that didn't
turn out so well.

Ok, come on over here.

Remember what I
taught you, hmm?

Knees bent, back straight,

Stomach in, butt out,

Eyes down, elbows locked,

Wrist cocked,
lips pursed,

Teeth clenched.

How's this?

Perfect.

Yeah!

Dang, I'm a good coach.

[laughs]

Ah, you were fine, too.

Ella: Zack...

Let's just have fun
tonight, ok?

Oh, it's gonna be fun.

Let's go, let's go,
let's go.

You again!

Why don't you take
her bowling?

See if you can bite
that ball in half.

Next!

I don't want
to be next.

Gee, ella, thanks
for giving me
another chance.

There's no reason
to expect

That I'll be any
better this time.

Oh, yeah! Hole in one!

Who's laughing now,
mr. Hippo?!

All right. Moving on.

But the rest of us
haven't sh*t yet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just make it quick.

Oh, yeah! Another
hole in one!

♪ mm, yeah, mm, mm ♪

♪ right there, oh ♪

Who's the man?

All: You da man.

Oh, hey, look at this, ella.

Even if you scored a hole
in zero on this last hole,

You'd still lose.

Great. Why don't
I just quit now?

Oh, good idea!

Then you can go home
and cry to your mommy

Because that's
what quitters do.,

You know, zack, you're
what my uncle vinny from
new york would call a...

[car horn honking]

Boy, uncle vinny has
a way with words.

Hmm...

You know, I never
took ella for
a sore loser

She's not a sore loser.
You're just
a sore winner.

Yeah, well, who needs
you guys anyway?

Wow. You're just
holes of fun.

Ok, group, we're
all gathered here today

To show somebody that
we can read a book

And discuss with insight
and intellectualocity.

This ought to be good.

I'll start.

"pride and prejudice"
is about a rich man

Who marries a poor girl,

Which, as we all know,
only happens in books.

Ha ha ha! Sorry.

Ignoring that comment,
I must admit

I am impressed you
guys read the book.

So don't you think
caroline bingley was
a total snob?

Yes! I loved her.

Me, too. Ha ha ha!

I felt bad for her
when her brother
married beneath him.

But they were in love.

Who cares? That'd be like
my brother dating chelsea.

Oh, ho ho!

Just because
my family's yacht is
smaller than yours,

You think you're
better than me?

Well, yeah.

And by the way,

I did date
your brother.

He's an idiot.

Yikes.

Girls, girls, please!

It's ok for rich people
to hang out with other people

Who have less money
than they do.

I mean, I hang out
with you guys.

Double yikes.

Well, at least my daddy's
not an innkeeper.

Oh! How dare you.

Oops.

Did you just
purposely throw tea
on my new dress?

Honey, what does it
matter?

It's probably
a knockoff anyway.

Uh, ladies, shouldn't we
get back to the book?

Oops.

I'll have you know
I'm too much of
a lady to engage

In your low-class
behavior.

Ah! Who am I kidding?

Chelsea: Girls, girls.

It doesn't matter what
you have in the bank.

All that matters is
what you have on your face.

That better be
low-fat.

Well, let's ask london.

Oops!
Oops!

All right, I'll
just be going, then.

[girls screaming]

What on earth
is going on with
london's book club?

[girls speaking excitedly]

Oh, they're having
a rousing debate

About classic
english literature.

London: Oh, no, you didn't.

I'll pass on
the tea.

, ...

...

.

Hi, mom.

Where are cody
and the girls?

They ditched me

Just because I crushed
them at mini golf.

But on the bright side,

I proved that a girl
b*ating me was
just a fluke.

Well, I hope
that was

Worth losing
your friends.

Look, honey, if
you're gonna use

Your competitive
drive to improve
yourself,

That's great.

But if the only
thing that matters
to you is winning,

Well, then you're
gonna end up
the real loser.

Get it?

Yeah, I get it.

And get this, too.

A girl can do
whatever
a boy can do.

And we can do it
while wearing
high heels.

Zack: Oh, hey, guys.

I'm glad you're here.

I wanted to apologize.

Apology not accepted.

Yeah, I couldn't
care less.

Ella, I'm sorry I
called you a loser.

And you know what?
I don't care if you can
b*at me at miniature golf.

I just care if I
can't see you again.

Will you forgive me?

Of course I forgive
you, zack.

Thank you.

By the way,
I let you win.

Did not, did you?

Maybe I did.

Maybe
I didn't.

Oh, so that's how
you want it.

Fine. Best out of ?

You're on.

Oh, and if you win,
it's the best out of .

You know what? I think
barbara and I are going

To the library
this time.

I'll come with you. There's
a pizza parlor on the way.

I took the stairs
this morning...

Down.

Cody: Drop it!
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