02x39 - Aptitude

[bunniefuu]

Hey, cody, want
to head down to the park
and sh**t some hoops?

I can't.
I'm taking a test.

On a Saturday?

Yeah! It's fun.

And the winner of
boston's biggest nerd

For an unprecedented
years in a row is

Cody martin!

[imitates
crowd cheering]

Very funny.

Well, this happens to be
an aptitude test that I
found on the internet,

You know,
that thing people use
to look up stuff

Besides a man wearing
a beard of bees.

Dude, it's
a beard of bees!

Yeah, well, this
test is awesome.

It tells you what
you're going to be
when you grow up.

Hmm. I'll take
the test, too.

Ha ha!

You're looking at
the beard of bees
again, aren't you?

Maybe.

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are
in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Here you are.
I've been looking
all over for you.

And you found
me in the lobby.

What a strange
twist of fate! Oh!

Mr. Moseby, my podium
is falling apart,
and I want a new one.

I picked out a lovely one

From podium emporium.

It's mahogany...

With a little holder
for my spectacles.

Oh! It is beautiful!

However we can't
afford it.

I'm prepared to quit.

I'm prepared
to replace you.

I hate
when you do that.

♪ I'm back ♪

Don't I look great?
I know.

Guess where I've been.

Inside a lamp?

No. I've been
to morocco.

It's so
wonderful there.

During the day,
it's so bright.

And at night,
it gets dark?

You've been there?

Just guessing.

Well, they love me
in morocco. See?

They put me
on the cover.

Must have been
a slow news day.

Daddy's gonna build
a hotel on a beach

And name it after me.

Oh, great!
I can't wait to stay
at hotel airhead!

Yeah!

Moseby: Ah.

London, how was morocco?

Great. I kissed
a camel.

Not on the first
date, I hope.

Anyway, I've invited
the ambassador to dinner
this Friday night.

And I want him
to be treated
to a moroccan feast.

Ooh. I'll
call my kabob
guy--bob,

My pita guy--peter,

And my couscous
guy--steve.

London: Daddy also
wants the restaurant
redecorated

To look all moroccany
and stuff.

Wonderful idea.
We'll spare no expense.

We'll get the finest
hand-sewn carpets

And beautiful silk tapestries.

Ooh, and jewel-encrusted
brass lamps.

Ooh, thanks!

Oh.

And yet

You can't afford
a stinking podium.

Now, patrick, it's--

Oh, patrick.

[whispering]
what did you get
for question ?

- ?

Stop whispering.

And this isn't the kind
of test you can cheat on.

Sorry. Force of habit.

It's really
quite interesting.
Did you read question ?

Would you rather design
a device to retrieve
broken satellites from space

Or trash a hotel room?

Oh, that's easy.
Oh, that's
easy.

Satellite!
Hotel room!

Criminal.
Goody two-shoes.

Well, I'm hoping this test
will help me decide

Between becoming
a scientist or writing
the great american novel.

I'm just hoping after
we hit send,

It'll make
a whooshing sound.

[whoosh]

Oh, man,
that's the best!

Even better
than grandpa burps
the alphabet?

Oh, that's
cool, too,

Especially when he
chokes on "w."

♪ ♪

Cool.
The results are in.

What? This test
says I'm going to be
a sanitation engineer.

Engineer. Pretty good.

No. You don't
understand.

Sanitation engineer
is just a fancy name
for garbageman.

Oh, well, at least
yours makes sense.

You're a clean
freak. Mine says that
I'm gonna become a...

[key-o]
ceo.

What the heck
is a ceo?

That says "c.E.O."

Excellent!

What's a c.E.O.?

Chief executive
officer.

You're going to be
the head of a large
corporation.

And I'm going to be
a garbageman?

There must be
some mistake.

Cody, can you throw that
away for me?

Yeah.

Nope. No mistake.

Patrick, where are you?

Hiding.

Oh, come out from
under there.

What do you want?

Well, for my first
wish, I would--

That's it. I-I'm changing
back into my tuxedo.

No, no, no, no, no.
Patrick, there is
no time for that.

The moroccan ambassador
is on his way in.

Ah. Here they are.
Ms. London,
mr. Ambassador.

Welcome
to the tipton.

I hope you enjoy
our moroccan decor.

Ah.

Right this way.

Please have a seat.
Careful.

It's a long
way down.

Sit where you like, sir.

I don't have a bad side.

I hope you enjoy
your goat kabob appetizer.

Don't worry. We've
removed its tiny beard.

And we've arranged
some very special
entertainment for you.

Ahem. Maybe not
so special.

[clap clap]

[music playing]

What happened
to the professional
belly dancer?

Belly ache.

Stay away from
the tabbouleh.

London: But she's awful.

London: Oh!

Patrick, I need an iced tea
with a slice of lime
and a sprig of mint.

And by the way,
the ambassador's
either choking

Or playing charades.

Patrick: Oh, dear!

Aah! Oh, my!

Oh, I missed
the heimlich
maneuver class.

I was at a hockey
game with my dad.

Apparently, he regretted
not spending more time
with me as a child--

Oh! Move it!

[ptooey]

Ok. Ew!

You saved my life.

Maddie: Nah.

But then again, who am I to
argue with an ambassador?

Honey...

Can you help me
put these away?

Right after I finish

This article about
global economics
and emerging markets.

Ok. Never mind, cody.
I'll ask zack.

I am zack.

But you're reading
a magazine

With words.

Well, if I'm
destined to become
a titan of industry,

I have to stay
on top of things.

Yeah, but your feet
don't, mr. Titan.

Sorry.

You know, this magazine
has everything

We c.E.O. Millionaire
types could want.

Should I get a flying
car, a flying boat,

Of a flying monkey?

There's no such thing
as flying monkeys.

Well, I'll be darned.

I'd go with the boat.

It doesn't fling...

Bananas at you
when it gets mad.

Good idea. Remind
me to put you on
my board of directors.

Well, hey, would you
look at this?

Blue chip stocks
are up . %.

At that rate,
that's an annualized
gain of . %.

Zack...

Did you
just do math?

I guess I did!

You know, if they had
just put dollar signs
in math books,

I would have started
studying a long time ago.

That aptitude
test was

The best thing
that ever happened
to this family.

Hey, mom.

Hey, einstein, got
any good theories for me?

Mom: Cody, that is
a new look for you.

Yeah. I call it
my "I have no future,
so what's the point" look.

Honey, just because some
aptitude test says

You're gonna wind up
in a certain career,

It doesn't mean it's true.

So are you
saying

That I'm not going
to be a successful
businessman?

Of course you are.

But you just said
the test was bogus.

Well, it is.

So I'm not going
to be a tycoon?

Well...

No, what I mean is...

What I'm trying
to say is...

Who wants
pizza bagels?

It's pizza
on a bagel.

Later. Now, if
you'll excuse me,

I have
to talk to a man
about a monkey.

Well...

Why don't I take out
the trash,

Because I'm going to be
a garbageman anyway.

And a bad one at that.

Excuse me. Aren't you
maddie fitzpatrick?

Every day,
oh, except
on weekends.

When I'm hillary hen
at the cluck-bucket.

Three pieces for a buck.
Bawk, bawk, bawk!

Can I have your
autograph?

Oh, you saw
my wing ding dance.

No, no, no.
You saved
that ambassador.

Your picture is
on the cover

Of "what's what"
magazine.

Shut up!

Boy, we are so carrying
this magazine from now on.

London!

London!

Guess who's on the cover
of "what's what."

Who? Who?

Me! Me!

Why? Why?

Because I saved a life.

But I should be
in that magazine.

Why?
Because I'm wearing
a new hat.

Welcome back
to "get out of
bed, boston!"

We're here
at the beautiful
tipton hotel

With local hero--
maddie fitzpatrick.

[breathing heavily]

Hiya.

So, maddie, you saved
a life

And not just
anyone's life,

The life of
a world famous diplomat.

So tell us,
who does your hair?

I do.

That's it! I'm sick
of her stealing
the lemon-light.

I believe
that's limelight.

Oh, I have
an idea.

Put this
in your mouth,

Then spit it out
when I pretend
to save you.

No. I'm not feelin
very kabobbie.

Come on. It's
delicious. See?

Thanks, but I really can't
afford the extra calories.

As it is, I barely fit
in my puffy pants.

Oh, dear! Aah!

Oh, there is a rich
woman choking over here!

Oh, my gosh!

[patrick moaning]

Ok.

Gross, part dos.

You know,

This would not be happening

If I had a proper podium.

[groaning]

London, are you ok?

No. You weren't
supposed to save me.

I was supposed
to save patrick.

She's done it
again, boston.

Maddie fitzpatrick
has saved
another life.

Coming up after
the break,

"kabobs:
Tasty tidbits or
skewers of doom"?

Stop it. Stop it.

Ohh. Stop it.

Stop it. I'm ticklish there.

Don't forget to make
my pockets extra big

To hold all my money.

Doll face,
grab your steno pad.

[chuckles]

Whatever you
say, boss.

Take a letter
to yachts and stuff.

Dear nincompoops,

I am not pleased with
the horn on my newest yacht.

It should make more
of an "aooga" sound.

How do you spell
"aooga"?

Change it to "beep."

Ow!

Mr. Martin,
are you sure

Those girls
are tailors?

No.

But who cares?

Mr. Martin, your
realtor is here.

He wants to know
if you still want
to buy that villa.

Nah. I've decided to buy
an island instead.

Ooh, that's
australia.

Well, after the deal closes,
it'll be zackstralia.

[girls laughing]

It's good to be the boss.

Ow.

Ooh!

Ooh, sir, the commodity
markets are opening.

Do you want
to buy more gold?

Nah. I already
own it all.

Now let me just
check how my other
investments are doing.

Computer: You've got money.

Ka-ching! Girls,
the money dance.

[music playing]

♪ money ♪

♪ oh, oh ♪

♪ zack's got the money ♪

♪ lots and lots of money ♪

♪ yes, he does! ♪

♪ money ♪

♪ he's the man ♪

♪ zack's got the money ♪

I'll be right there.

I'll be right there.

I'll be right there.

♪ money ♪

♪ ooh ♪

I'm here.
What's going on?

I just made another
trillion dollars.

I'm so rich, they
had to make up
a new number.

Should we celebrate?

Oh, we already did.
That's why
we called you.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Zack: Clean up
this mess,

But save a little
confetti
for next time.

Money doesn't grow
on trees.

Yes, it does, sir.
Remember?

You had zack labs

Create a money tree.

Come on, girls.

Why don't we celebrate how I
cleaned up on wall street

While cody here
just cleans up?

[girls laughing]

See you tomorrow.

London, chuckling: Oh, my gosh.

How could
this have happened?

I was supposed
to be successful.

Computer: You've got misery.

But I'm the smart one.

I'm the smart one!

I'm the smart one.

I'm the smart one!

Oh, yeah? Then what's
the capital of honduras?

Tegucigalpa.

Wow. He really is
the smart one.

It's the middle of the night.
What are you guys doing?

Well, cody woke me up
from the greatest
dream I've ever had.

I was a bigwig
surrounded by
gorgeous girls.

That was your dream?
That was
my nightmare.

Wait. Did
your office have

Those stunning ebony
leather chairs?

I don't know!

I was too busy looking
at the stunning
dancing girls.

Must have been nice.

I was too busy
sweeping the office.

I can't believe
my life is going to be
cleaning up after zack.

No. That's my life.

Your life is going
to be whatever you
want to make it.

But the test
said that I'd--

No. Forget the test.

Tests aren't important.

Ok. Remember that
the next time I
bring home an "f."

Come on, mom.
Do you really expect
me to believe you

Over the international
life assessment
and testing corporation?

Yes!

Who are those
people, anyway?

I'm gonna track them
down right now and give
them a piece of my mind.

Although there's probably
no one to yell at

At : in the morning.

Good night, guys.

[knock knock]

We must have
the wrong place.

This place is deserted.

And why is there
a shoe under the desk?

Excuse me.

No one's here.

We'd like to
ask you a question.

Are you from the I.R.S.?

Because I swear
my returns are
in the mail.

We're not from
the government.

Collection agency?
Nope?

How may I help you?

You're the international
life assessment
and testing corporation?

Yessiree. I'm also
a dating service,

On-line casino.

Plus, I sell fat-free
doughnuts.

Mom: Well, I have
a complaint.

Fine. There's
a little fat in them.

Without it,
they'd just crumble.

We're not here about
your dang doughnuts!

We're here about your
dang assessment test.

You can't
pigeonhole my son.

You can't
tell him who he is.

Who is he?
Cody martin.

Don't know him.

My son is going
to grow up to be
whatever he wants to be,

Not what you
tell him to be.

'kay.

'kay? You throw my son's
life into turmoil,

And all you can say
is 'kay?

Ok?

You see, cody?

Never let anyone tell you
what you can and cannot be,

Especially this schlub.

Although this
schlub does make
good doughnuts.

Right there!

You were right, mom.

This test means nothing.
I can be whatever
I want to be.

That's right.
Good for you.
Now, let's go.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!

Does this mean I'm not
going to be a c.E.O.?

Probably not.

Well, this stinks.

I can't believe I
did all that math
and reading for nothing.

It wasn't for nothing.
You proved that if
you work hard,

You can be successful.

That's right.

So you're gonna be
expecting this from now on?

Pretty much.

That's right.

[sarcastically]
oh, well, that's a lot.

The next time you
take a test on
Saturday, count me out.

Madeline? You
look incredible...

Thank you.

And out of uniform.

But I just want to look
good for my fans.

I have autographed
pictures.

Ooh, here comes one now.

Maybe she was shy.

Or maybe some
other news has taken
the spotlight.

A dachshund dragged
a kitten out of
a burning building?

What?

Yes. His wiener shape

Allowed him to scoot
under the smoke.
It's really wonderful.

London, did you
read about this?

Oh, yeah. I saw the kitten
on a talk show.

All she did was
meow about herself.

But what about
important things?

What about serious
news, news like--

News like me?

Maddie, remember
how you were in all
the newspapers yesterday?

Uh-huh.

Well, that makes you
yesterday's news.

So I guess my minutes
of fame are over.

Take it from one
worldlier than you.

Fame is like
a lighthouse.

Sometimes
the spotlight's
on you,

And sometimes
it goes around

And hits
someone else.
Ugh!

And now some dachshund's
basking in it.

Madeline,
the important
thing is

You did a good deed.

That is true.

I did save two lives.

Mm! But the dachshund saved
a cat. That's lives.

So he's got you
b*at by .

Moseby: You know,

One of the lives she
saved was yours.

Oh, yeah.

Yay you!

London, you've
never yayed anyone
but yourself.

You're right.
Yay me!

Patrick?
Hmm?

The moroccan theme
is over. Why are you
still wearing this?

Frankly, I find
these puffy pants to be

Delightfully roomy.

Ahh.

I think I'm
going to wear them
to work every day,

Stand in the middle
of the restaurant,

Where everyone
can see them a-blowing
in the breeze.

[softly]
oh. No, no, no. Stop.

[chuckles nervously]

Patrick?
Hmm?

Right. What if I get
you a new podium?
And a raise.

Not gonna happen.

I'm prepared
to quit.

I'm prepared to
replace you.
A podium it is.