03x01 - Graduation

[bunniefuu]

Maddie, you know
what I like

About summer
vacation?

Not being locked up
in a stuffy school

Till noon every day.

London, some of us
actually

Come back to school
after lunch.

[scoffs]

And I suppose
you go on fridays, too.

Ha ha ha!

Yeah. Silly me.

Anyway,
I'm spending the summer

On my yacht.
What are you doing?

Working here.

Oh, yeah.
And when I get home,

I get to help mom
gut fish

And apply pimple cream
to my dad's hairy back.

Ooh. I just had
a baby barf.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo! London!

So, what are we girls
talking about?

Fish guts
and hairy pimples.

Ooh.

I just had
a baby barf.

Well, now,
I've come here
to talk to you

About a camp counselor
job for the summer.

Ooh, I have
a summer job...

Doing nothing.
Hee.

Well...

I guess I'm stuck
with you, maddie.

Just take a look
at this.

"camp heaven on earth"?
Oh, my--

Goodness!
Ha ha!

It's beautiful.
Is that a waterfall?

Yes. It flows into
a sparkling lake.

Oh! I've never been
to camp.

And now I'm gonna
get paid to go.

[popping noise]

Wait. But I'm needed
here at the tipton.

We'll muddle
through.

Ha!

Then I'm going to camp
heaven on earth.

High-five!
Whoo!

Oh!

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Ladies and gentlemen
of the graduating class...

It is my honor
to announce

This year's
valedictorian.

Ok, who took
the envelope?

Anybody?

Oh, cody, I just know
it's going to be you.

No, barbara.
You deserve it.

You're a-plus
in every subject,

Udindimples.

[ggles]
aww...

Whoever gets picked,

The nn

Tomps]

Ow!

[panting] ow!

Ah, young love.

Uh, zack, we--

We have
a little problem.

You seem to have
failed english.

Wait, what?

You won't be graduating
with your class.

No, no, no, no, no!

I need to graduate
with my class.

I--if I don't graduate,
I'll have to go to su--

Su--

Suu--

Mer school?

Yeah, that's it.

Sister dominick:
Wait till you see
your cabin!

Ooh, I must
get this fixed.

Unh!

Oh, dear!

Ahh! Oh!

And that.

Wow.
This doesn't look

Anything like the brochure
you showed me.

Well, that picture
was taken in ,

Before the locust
blight.

You might have
mentioned that.

And yet, to those
inner-city girls,

It is a magnificent
arcadian retreat.

We're across the street
from a slaughterhouse.

At least the meat
is fresh.

Now, let me
introduce you

To your eager
young charges.

Come on in, ladies.

Maddie: Ohh...

Aren't you just
the cutest little things?

Aah! [gasping]

Oh, you must be
my co-counselor.

Oh, no, no!
Ha.

That's leah.
She's .

Well...She can do
whatever she wants.

This is amy,

And jasmine, and--

Oh. Where's holly?

Holly!

Coming, sister
dominick.

I was picking
some daffodils.

Hey! I know you.

You're that little girl
from the tipton

Who conned me out
of my watch.

I won it fair
and square.

But if you're
in the market
for a new one,

This one's real
gold.

Buck-fifty.

[gasps]

Sister dominick!

What?
Come here.
Hurry, hurry.

I don't know
if you're aware of this,

But that little girl's
a criminal!

We don't like to use
the word "criminal"
here.

They're just girls
who've had a little
bad luck.

Deep down inside,
they're sweet

And innocent.

[yelling]
all right, girls!
Assume the position.

[metal detector beeping]

They're clean!

Oh, lunch is at noon.

We're having ham.

All right, girls.

Just so you know,

I am not here
to judge you.

In fact, I brought
each of you
a little gift.

All right, which one
of you little crooks

Stole my backpack?

Don't look at me.
Amy's the thief.

Am not!

I have never stolen
anything in my life.

Is that the ham
we're supposed to have
for lunch?

No.

It's my cuddly toy,
mr. Hammy.

It was given to me
by my ex-boyfriend

Justin timberlake.

She's also
a compulsive liar.

At least I don't have
anger issues.

Ha ha ha!
I do not have
anger issues.

Now take it back
before I shove

Mr. Hammy
up your nose!

Ok, ok!
We are learning a lot
about each other.

Is there something
I should know about you?

She doesn't talk.

So far,
you're my favorite.

You know,
mom's really
going to be mad

When she finds out
you're not graduating.

Well, she can't be
too mad

When she finds out
I saved a life.

Whose life
did you save?

Here, choke on this.

Now, why don't you just
tell her the truth,

And promise to do well
in summer school?

You're right.

Honesty is
the best policy.

Give me your water.

Mom's a sucker
for a sob story.

Dead puppy...
Dead puppy...

Dead puppy.

Ok, let's do this.

Oh! Hey, guys!

Hi, mom...

I'm baking a cake
for your graduation party.

Is that it
on the ceiling?

That was the first try.

So how was
your last day of school?

I don't want
to talk about it.

Honey...

You sad to be leaving
middle school?

Well...

Would you let me
handle this?

Sweetie, no matter
how bad it is,

You can tell me
anything.

You know that,
right?

I know, mom.

Well...

The truth is, is--
[door opens]

Surprise!
Dad!

Dad?

I thought you
were in hong kong.

Oh, I was.

But I took some
time off tour

So I could be
here for your
graduation.

Hence, surprise!

Hey, kurt.
That's great, dad.

And you know,
speaking of surprises,

Zack?

[clears throat]

Gee, dad, it's sure
swell of you to come.

But, you know,
we're only graduating
from the eighth grade.

It's not worth
leaving a tour

Where you're making
millions of people happy

With your unique brand
of bluesy folk rock.

Are you kidding?

I am certainly not
going to miss

Seeing my two boys
walk across that stage

Getting their diplomas.

Uh-huh.

So, zack. What were
you upset about?

Uh...

That dad wasn't
gonna be here

To see me graduate.

But it's all good
now.

Mm.

A little too much
plaster, but not bad.

For our next activity,

I was thinking
we could do something

To make this cabin
more attractive.

You're leaving?
Ignoring, ignoring.

I was thinking maybe
we could make
some curtains.

Sounds great.
But first,

We just wanted to give you
a little gift.

It's just our little way
of saying...

Welcome.

Thanks, you guys.

[gasps] oh, is it
furry slippers?

[boing]
aah!

Aah! Ahh!

[laughing]

It's a rabid
raccoon!

It's clawing me!
It's biting me!

It's not real!

[squeaking]

Not funny, girls.

I'm laughing.

Wow! You talked.

I also sing.

[monotone]
♪ if you're happy
and you know it ♪

♪ clap your hands ♪

I said clap!

So, moseby...
Which one do you like better?

This island
with this yacht
and this bathing suit,

Or...

This island
with this yacht

And this bathing suit?

Well, frankly,
I don't give a hoot.

[cell phone rings]

Hello?
Oh, hey, maddie.

How's camp?
Terrible.

These girls
are savages.

Come rescue me.
Don't worry.

I'll get
the tipton helicopter

And be there
right away!

I'm proud of you.
Really?

Missing a massage
to help a friend.

Ooh! I forgot
about my shiatsu.

Oh, well. Maddie can wait.

I'm no good to anyone
if I'm tense.

Zack...

What are you
doing here?

This is only
for people
who are graduating.

Well, I figured
if I show up,

A plan would just
hit me, bam!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Nah, I got nothin'.

Not trying

To forge a diploma,
sneak into graduation,

And hide from mom
the fact that

You're going
to summer school
for weeks.

Genius!

I was being
facetious.

Huh?

Hard to believe
you're failing english.

There's only
one problem.

There's only enough
caps and gowns

For the students
who are graduating.

Gee.

Why don't you steal
someone else's?

Mm-wah!

Again with
the genius plan.

No wonder they call you
the vale--

Vale--

Vale-accordion.

Uh, cody, I--

I'm sorry
I got upset before.

After all, I creamed you
in the math competition

And you didn't get mad.

Well, I wouldn't say
creamed.

But it doesn't matter,
because I annihilated you

In the spelling bee.

And by the way,
that's "annihilated."

With ns
and an "h".

Well, that spelling bee
wasn't fair.

Your word was so easy
my dog could've spelled it.

Ha! I doubt it.

I've met your dog,
and he's an idiot.

[stomps]
ow!

I can't find
my cap and gown.

Oh. Uh,
well, that's odd.

Let's see.

[thud]

[thunder]

[knocking]
who's there?

Me, london.

What took you
so long?

Did the storm
slow you down?

No. I added an extra
minutes to my massage

Because your call
really stressed me out.

[helicopter hovering]

I hate you.

I have the helicopter.

Love you, let's go.

I'm telling you,
these girls
are vicious monsters.

Girls:
♪ if you're happy
and you know it ♪

♪ clap your hands ♪

Hold me!

Oh!

Hi! I'm holly.
[gasps]

Hi! I'm london.

Nice diamond bracelet.

Wanna play some cards?

Don't do it!
In a half an hour,

She'll own the hotel.
Now let's go.

Maddie, I can't believe

These are the girls
you're scared of.

Ok, maybe
the big one.

Can we just go
now?

Where did you park
the helicopter?

It's in the middle
of the field,

Over by the big tree.

[thunder crashes]

[wood creaking]

[glass shatters]

Make that crushed
by the big tree.

Welcome to camp
heaven on earth.

This is never
going to work.

Forgess is going
to see you.

No, he won't.

[dialing phone]

[cell phone rings]
yello?

[in low voice]
uh, mr. George forgess?

Yes?
This is officer
lippincottelman.

Yeah, you see,
we just found your car

At the bottom
of the charles river.

Oh, no.
That's my mommy's car.

And she just got
brand new -inch
chrome spinners!

No!

[pomp and circumstance plays]

Well, they did it.

Zack did it.

Yeah,
graduation picture
before mug sh*t.

Baby steps.
Baby steps.

And so,
as we matriculate,

I feel a connection
with you,

My fellow students.

We must remember
it is our honor--

Nay. Our duty

To play hard,

Study hard,
and keep our colons clean

With a high-fiber diet.

Whoo!
Yeah.

And lastly...

Ohh...
Oh.

Thank you.

Whoo!
Whoo!

That was a wonderful
speech, cody.

And now,
our graduating class.

[music begins]
aaron abner...

Mary andrews...

Lenny landry...

We're next.
What are you
going to do?

Don't worry.
I got it covered.

Cody martin...

Whoo!

Zack martin!

Coming!

Whoo!
Yahoo!

Look, I'm really
sorry.

I was aiming at cody,
and--

By the way,

I love the new
hairstyle.

Whoo!

Whew.

Never getting out...
Never getting out...

Never getting out...

Look, relax.

The other helicopter
is on its way

From my beach house
in newport.

You have a beach house?

I live
in a one-bedroom apartment

With brothers
and sisters.

And...We share
one toothbrush.

At least you have
a toothbrush.

I use a finger.

And it's
my grandmother's.

At least you have
a grandmother.

I live with the neighbors

While my dad's doing
to in the clink.

At least you have
neighbors.

I live with wolves
in a cave,

Their meat with me.

On t soccer field?

Well, at least it was.

It wi'm sorry,
but I'm quitting.

Oh. That's too bad.
Well, girls,

I guess I'm gonna have
to close this cabin down

And you'll all have
to go home.

What do you mean,
go home?

Well, I'm fresh out
of counselors.

Rry, girls.
Pack your bags.

And only with items
that belong to you.

I was really
enjoying ping-pong.

I was going
to start a glee club.

I'm going to miss
sleeping in my own bunk.

At least you have
a bed at home.

All I have is
the cold cave floor.

All: Oh, shut up!

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

The other helicopter's
here.

Let's go, maddie.
Wait a minute.

Look at their little
sad faces.

I know.

They're creeping me
out. Let's go.

I knew spending
a whole summer out here

Was too good to last.

[helicopter hovering]

Ok, girls.
Here's the deal.

If I stay,
do you promise

To treat me
with respect?

And no more
earthworms
in my underwear.

I promise.
Ok.

Anybody
I can believe?

We promise.
Right, girls?

Yeah, we promise.
We really do.

All right.
Then I'm staying.

I'm not.

Girls,

I'm glad all the cruel
pranks are over.

And we can begin fresh.

Starting now. Ha ha.

Cody, I want
to apologize.

Academic competition
brings out my ugly side.

Oh, it's ok.

And besides,
you don't have
an ugly side.

[giggles] thanks.

Oh! You know,
when we get to high school,

I'm taking a.P. Classes.

I'm taking .

[stomps]
[clank]

Ow! Ow!

Ha! Steel-toed
boots.

[clinking glass]

Excuse me.

I would like
to make a little toast.

Mr. Moseby, that's
so sweet of you.

Ah, please.
It's the kind of guy I am.

Boys.

Wow, thanks.
Whoa, cool!

No, no.
Don't worry about it.

Ahem.

And now that you
are heading off
to high school,

I'm sure that
you realize

That your wild days
of shenanigans
are behind you.

Cody, are you
through with your
shenanigans?

Nope. I think I'm going
to shenan-again.

Ha ha ha!

Just remember,
you're that much closer

To being tried
as adults.

Ok, let me see
if I can top that.

Boys, I know how hard
you two worked.

And, um,
in honor of that,

I've got something
to give each of you.

Cody, when I was
on tour in china,

I got you this.

It's a genuine
ming dynasty abacus!

Aba-whaa?

An ancient calculator.

Ooh, cool.

Now you can count
all the chicks

Who think you're
a nerd.

And, zack,
this is for you.

Your favorite
vintage guitar?

Comes with an amplifier.

[groans]

I am so proud
of you, son.

Uh, I don't know
what to say.

You really earned this.

Oh, you sure did.
It wasn't easy
for you.

I mean, you almost
didn't pass english.

Uh, yeah.
That's ancient history.

Oh, but you did.

And we are so proud
of you.

Stop saying that.

But we are proud
of you.
Immensely proud.

This is the proudest moment
of our lives.

Except I didn't
graduate, ok?

[crowd gasps]

There's a shock.

What are you
talking about?

I faked the whole thing.

Well, I don't--
I don't understand.

You have a diploma--

This is a picture
of a girl

Wearing a bikini.

Oh, she's hot.

I mean it's hot...
At the beach.

That's why
she's wearing a bikini.

Zack, why did you
do this?

Because you tried
to bake a cake,

And dad left his
tour,

And I didn't want
to disappoint you
guys again.

Don't sweat it, dude.
It's ok.

I mean, you are so
in trouble.

Zack, I am disappointed
that you didn't graduate.

But I'm even more
disappointed that
you pulled this stunt

Instead of just being
honest with us.

I know, I know.
And I'm really,
really sorry,

But--but I promise
you I will graduate.

I just have to pass
su--

Su--

Su--

All: Mer school.

Yeah, that.

]] hey, everyone!

With all the info
on all things disney,

days a year,
I'm chester...

]] and I'm mitchel.
]] and I'm jason.

]] and I'm in
the radio disney studios

As those guys hit
the airwaves.

Well, at least while
I'm doing time,

I can practice
my guitar.

Which you should give me
after I graduate.

That's my boy.

So who wants some
cake?

Ooh!
Oh...

It's store bought.
Ooh!

Oh, I'd love some.

Ice cream
on the side.

Heh heh heh.

Put it down.