01x08 - Dream Cruise

[bunniefuu]

[bright music]

♪ ♪

Good morning, Detroit.

Get your hot rods ready
because this weekend

is the famous Woodward Dream Cruise.

Our own Harvey Bart is spending the day

soaking up all the action.

Let's see how he's doing. Harvey.

Good morning, Nadine.

Well, somebody pinch me 'cause I am

definitely dreaming down
here at the Dream Cruise.

So many fun people,

so many great cars all driving

up and down the street like
they do here every year.

So much fun.

Not much else is happening,

just people driving
up and down the street.

We're gonna cut you off right there.

Thanks, Harvey.

Later in the hour,

celebrity chef Margaret Peretti

will join us to show us how to make

some fun ' s-inspired dishes

as well as apologize

for her now-infamous

anti-Semitic rant from last week.

But first, we have
with us two local admen

who started their own T-shirt company.

Tim Cramblin and Sam Duvet, welcome.

Thanks for having us
on the show, Nadine.

We watch you all the time.

Oh, Thanks. Now...

Not... not like in a stalker way

'cause, you know...

Not like a person who's, like, obsessed.

- Chill out.
- Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

- Don't touch her.
- I won't. It's not...

Tell us about the T-shirts.

Well, it seems like
everywhere you go these days,

you see T-shirts with
Detroit slogans on them.

Psh, you said it, Tim.

You may be familiar with
"Detroit vs. Everybody."

Just the best.

And "Detroit Hustles Harder."

You can't b*at it.

You sure can't, which is why

we're proud to present to you

our very own T-shirt, "De-two-roit."

And we'd like to thank our crew members

Lea and Tommy Pencils

for modeling our
"De-two-roit" T-shirts today.

Uh, take it easy on Tommy.
He's a little nervous.

He's not used to being in front
of the camera for a change.

Well, I got to be honest, guys.

I don't get it.

It looks like you put a

where the T should be.

Uh, no, not looks like.
That's what we did.

Yeah, so now it's "De-two-roit."

"De-two-roit."

But why?

- Well...
- Asking...

That can best be explained
by a freestyle rap

performed by Lea and Tommy Pencils.

Sounds like fun.

Lea, Tommy Pencils, take it away.

♪ If you're in the market
for a cool T-shirt ♪

Uh... uh...

♪ If you're in the market
for a cool T-shirt ♪

Is this live?

Yes, this is live.

But on a commercial break.

Why don't we move on?

- No, he can do it.
- Yeah, lead him in again, Lea.

♪ If you're in the market
for a cool T-shirt ♪

Uh... uh...

- Tommy?
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!

- Oh, no!
- Oh, my goodness.

[laughs]

Assholes.

♪ Next time ♪

♪ When they ask you ♪

♪ Where you're from ♪

♪ You gon' say Detroit city ♪

♪ When we get back
on our feet, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[elevator dings]

Morning, Sheila.

Where you going?

[coughs weakly]

I don't feel well.

I'm going to go home and lay down.

[doo-wop music]

Then why are you
dressed like a Pink Lady?

Are you going to the
Woodward Dream Cruise?

Oh, is that today?

All right, well, have fun.

I mean feel better.

♪ ♪

They bought it.

Heard her.

She said it out loud.

I heard you, bud.

- There she is.
- How's the gam, Lea?

The doctor says our insurance lapsed

because you two haven't
been paying the premiums.

Lea, insurance is for
suckers and for chumps.

- Everybody knows that.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, this is how much you owe.

- Ooh.
- [scoffs]

That's ridiculous.

Lea, if we had that much money,

this place would be
wall-to-wall pinball machines.

And a skee ball machine for exercise.

- Mm-hmm.
- Reactivate the insurance,

or I'm gonna have to
quit and get another job.

You know, I really hate to pile on here,

but if Lea goes, I go.

Who the hell are you, man?

I worked here years.

Your dad hired me, and I stand with Lea.

If you lose her, you lose me.

I don't even know you.

We didn't even know you were here.

All's I'm saying is,
if Lea goes, then I go.

Go.

[melancholy music]

Well, I'm sorry it had to end like this.

♪ ♪

Okay, Lea, let's go.

What? I'm not leaving.

Okay, well, uh, I guess I'm leaving.

Who's coming with me?

Anybody?

Sam?

Psh, buddy, no way.

Very well.

♪ ♪

Oh, thanks for having
our backs on that, Lea.

Well, that settles that.

- Everything's not settled.
- Okay, look.

We'll find the money.
Just give us a week.

A month would be great.

I'll give you till : tonight,

or I'm gonna walk out of
here just like Wallace.

- Who's Wallace?
- Who the hell is Wallace?

I'm Wallace!

- Get out of here, man!
- Jesus, man, just go!

[sighs]

- We'll find the money, Lea.
- Trust us.

[hip-hop music]

♪ If you're in the market ♪

♪ For a cool T-shirt ♪

♪ A "De-two-roit" one couldn't hurt ♪

Now he can do it.

I mean, Tommy, we love ya,

but you're too little, too late.

Yeah, and I wouldn't
fall asleep tonight.

- You may have a concussion.
- You definitely do.

- Still?
- Yeah, man.

♪ ♪

Okay, I made a list

of every client that owes us money.

Do we really have to do this?

It's so uncomfortable.

Yes, we do. It's for Lea.

She's like family.

You're right. Let's do this.

Well, I don't think you need that bat.

I don't think you need those knuckles.

Oh, these knuckles?

[tense music]

Put it down first.

You put yours down first.

Both: Same time.

♪ ♪

All right, let's go.

All right, first up, Devereux Wigs.

♪ Ooh, Devereux ♪

Devereux Wigs.

♪ Ooh, Devereux ♪

Devereux Wigs.

♪ Ooh, Devereux ♪

Devereux Wigs.

We guarantee our wigs

are no longer made from
hair off dead bodies.

Rhonda Devereux is the devil!

[crowd yelling]

Money? I can't pay you any money.

No one's bought a wig
since they found out

we used hair from dead bodies.

You're a monster!

I don't use dead people hair anymore.

[crowd yelling]

Who's the monster?

Me for shaving the hair off corpses

or the rest of the world

for burying that silky hair underground

where no one can use it?

Well, I mean, we did the work.

You have to pay us.

I'm sorry. I could pay you in wigs.

Rhonda, is the hair
made from dead people?

People?

No.

- Oh! Rhonda!
- Oh, no, no.

That's from a skunk.

I was supposed to marry Shane Battier.

I'm not supposed to be scalping skunks.

I don't think you're ever
supposed to scalp a skunk.

Yeah, and it's not an either/or

between scalping a skunk
and marrying Shane Battier.

- Who's next?
- Cash for Copper.

Both: Cash for your copper.

Do you have copper just laying around?

We will give you cash for your copper.

Do you know a place where
copper is just laying around?

We will give you cash for your copper.

If you should happen to find copper

in someone else's walls
or in a city fountain,

can we give you cash for that?

Well, legally, we can't say yeah.

But what we can do is wink.

[cash register dings]

Sorry, guys. We just can't pay you.

[sighs] Are you sure?

Yeah, man, this might actually be

one of our worst years ever...

on the books.

Yeah, we ain't seeing no profits...

on the books.

Yeah, we might even be showing

some losses... on the books.

We are in debt

up to our asses...

on the books.

So you can see how it would be

incongruous if we paid you...

on the books.

What we can do is meaningfully
look in the direction

of that big fat envelope over there

and just walk away.

Aw, tough break, man.
I feel bad for them.

I don't. You got to get
paid for the work you do.

- That's true.
- If it don't make money,

it don't make sense.

Sam, we have to go to that improv place

so you can shout out suggestions.

They're just gonna boo me again.

- Who's next?
- Pete the Plumber.

But he said next time he
sees us, he's gonna k*ll us.

Well, we have to try.

If you got a plumbing problem,
call me, Pete the Plumber.

I'll take care of everything,

like leaky faucets,

rusty pipes,

water heaters,

and toilets.

We need our money.

Bro, you showed a sh*t.

- Honest mistake?
- You showed a sh*t, bro.

Listen, contracts were signed.
Services were delivered.

I mean, business is business.

It's not personal. [chuckles]

[laughs mockingly]

What's that?

That's how you laugh, bro.

[laughs mockingly]

That is how you laugh, Sam.

[chuckles]

[chuckles mockingly]

That's how you laugh, Tim. [laughs]

- [laughs mockingly]
- [laughs]

Ha-ha-ha! Huh-huh-huh!

[all laughing]

Hey!

Get out of here with
these stupid-ass T-shirts.

Oh, no, these aren't
stupid, and they're for sale.

- They don't make sense.
- Actually, they do.

It's a play on the word "Detroit."

- Yeah.
- It's...

Both: "De-two-roit."

Oh. [chuckles]

Get the [bleep] out of here.

Who even cares?

Seems like everywhere you go,

you see shirts with Detroit slogans.

Okay. Who's next?

Our last hope,

Roz Chunks, the mom attorney.

Hey, Linda, is Roz at the
office or in court today?

Oh, she is? Really?

[laughs]

Yeah, no, you too.

Hey, bye, Linda.

Man, you and Linda, I swear.

- Shut up.
- [chuckles]

Linda said that Roz is out
at her place in Royal Oak

'cause she had a double
colonoscopy yesterday.

Man, Linda just tells
you everything, man.

Can you forget about Linda
and just head to Royal Oak?

If Roz pays up, we should have enough.

You know, it's getting
late. We should book it.

With pleasure, my friend.

Oh, no.

- [horns honking]
- Dream Cruise.

[groans]

[doo-wop music]

♪ ♪

[engines rumbling]

I mean, can't we just
cut through Vinsetta?

No. All the roads are blocked off.

Plus, it would take too long
to go back and go around.

We got to just go through.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

What can I do you for, pal?

What are you doing with
this piece of junk here?

This is the Dream Cruise.

Back it up. Get this sh*t out of here.

- You back it up.
- You back it up.

- You back it up.
- Your shirts are stupid.

Oh, wearing that?

Okay, pal, let's put
some tits on this puppy.

♪ Putting lipstick on a turd ♪

♪ Putting makeup on a sh*t ♪

♪ Put a dress on a dookie ♪

♪ Then I'm kissing it ♪

♪ Lipstick on a turd ♪

♪ Lipstick on a turd ♪

♪ Lipstick on a turd ♪

♪ Lipstick on a turd ♪

♪ Haven't you heard ♪

♪ I'm putting lipstick on a turd ♪

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

[engine sputtering]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

All right, yeah!

Yeah! Whoo!

Dream Cruise, baby!

She cleans up okay!

♪ ♪

♪ Lipstick on a turd ♪

♪ Lipstick on a turd ♪

♪ Lipstick on a turd ♪

♪ Lipstick on a turd ♪

♪ Haven't you heard ♪

Oh, there's Sheila and Fletcher

and his Diamond Dogs.

She loves them bad boys, man.

Nothing but trouble.

Just go out with a nice man.

Why do they all have to be rebels?

♪ ♪

♪ Lipstick on a turd ♪

Well, all right, let's get this money

from Roz Chunks, the mom lawyer.

Have you been injured or wronged?

Convicted of DUI?

Accused of m*rder

or had m*rder attempted onto you?

Call me, Roz Chunks,

and remember, I'm not just a lawyer.

I'm a mama.

Can we take a break, son?

Up yours, Roz Chunks!

Well, you raise 'em from a pup,

they grow up to be a dog.

You know, what can you do?

- Any form of discipline.
- Talk to him.

- Hit him.
- I mean anything.

I really would love to help you.

You know that. I just...
I don't have the money.

See, my kid just learned
how to masturbate,

so you know what that means.

- No, I definitely don't.
- I absolutely do not.

Well, long story short,

he got sent home from camp
for being "disruptive,"

as the nuns put it.

Well, you really don't
have to get into it.

- Sorry, nun camp?
- You know, I don't want

to discourage him or, like, shame him,

make him think he's doing,
like, a bad thing, you know.

It's just the way he does it.

It's wrong.

You know, it's just,
like, the dead-eye stare

and his little shuffling feet

and yelling when he busts.

He's already gone through
all of his soccer socks,

moved on to shin pads.

- Shin pads.
- Well, anyway,

little tugger got
ahold of my credit card

and signed up for some pretty
expensive pay-to-play sites,

and I didn't... you know, I
didn't say anything at first

'cause it was all that, like...

It was granny fanny kind of stuff,

and his gram-gram had just passed

- Oh, sorry for your loss.
- Oh, it wasn't my mother.

So I just... I didn't want to, you know,

interrupt his grieving process

or whatever, so I ignored it.

Well, you know, since
you don't have the money,

we're just gonna take...

It must have worked,
too, 'cause, you know,

then I see he's going on all these,

like, obscure sites, you know...

Well, gonna be hell getting back.

Yeah, well, if it was the cartoon stuff,

I'd understand, right?

'Cause that's for kids, you know.

You got, like, a jacked Ned Flanders

just reaming Marge Simpson

or like Bart doing Lisa

with a huge drippin hog.

It's funny 'cause, like,

you know it's incest, but it's okay

'cause they're cartoons, right?

Groundskeeper Willie's
always in there somewhere.

He's got... he's got
a pretty nice piece too.

Who else? Who else?

- Milhouse.
- Sure, yeah, Milhouse.

Glasses, ripped shirt,
huge dripping hog,

blue pubes everywhere.

- Yup.
- [car door opens]

Well, it's fine you
don't have the money.

Yeah, we understand.

Hey, bud,

I'll give you ten bucks

for one of these T-shirts.

Oh, absolutely.

- I'm glad you like 'em.
- You see?

Finally, someone appreciates
our humorous fashion.

- Hmm.
- It ain't for fashion, buddy.

I'm gonna bust a nut in this.

- Ugh, little rascal.
- What can you do?

Any form of discipline, honestly.

Hit him.

[funky music]

So now what?

How are we gonna turn
this $ into what we need?

♪ ♪

Ouch!

You scratched my neck,
man! That's as*ault!

Sir, I've got you on camera, all right?

You assaulted my friend.

What's your name, bro?

- Is my neck bleeding?
- Ah, it's not even red.

sh**t.

I can't believe we
turned $ into $ , .

I know.

I can't believe you lost it on one spin.

I was on a roll.

You bet on green.

Well, you tried to flip the table over.

- It was so frickin' heavy.
- Yeah, I know.

That's why I tried to
karate chop it in half.

Does your hand hurt?

[smooth R&B music]

♪ ♪

Well, that's it.

We failed.

Lea's gonna quit,

and the only T-shirt we sold
is now a little bully's nut rag.

Go ahead, Sam. Try and cheer me up.

No can do, my number one pal.

We chunked it, and we chunked it hard.

Well, let's go tell her.

- Hey.
- Oh!

I'm sorry to bother you,

but I know how important
Lea is to you guys,

so I came in to crunch some numbers,

and it turns out that with
my salary off the books,

you cleared enough money to
pay the insurance premium.

- Awesome!
- Oh, that's great. Thanks!

Yeah, I thought that
would make you happy.

So?

So?

Well, do I have my job back?

What?

Well, I solved the problem.

I'm an asset to the
company. I proved my worth.

You also proved that we
can't afford to hire you back.

[melancholy music]

Oh, Wallace, you idiot.

♪ ♪

- I feel bad for him.
- Yeah, I know.

He really saved the day.

- He did.
- Lea, guess what.

- What?
- We got your insurance.

You can stay.

We saved the day.

That's actually really cool of you guys.

- Thanks.
- Come on in here, girl.

Come on. Come on, now.

Get in here, little stinker.

Don't be a little stinker.

Mm, you little stinker. [chuckles]

Lea, were you really gonna quit?

- Yeah.
- Oh, well,

you don't have to now, so come on.

Come on. Get a little huggy.

- Come on.
- Little huggy in there.

- We love you.
- We love you so much.

Got to know we love you.

We definitely love you.

I'm sure go'' miss this place.

- Get... out of here, man!
- Get out of here, man.

What are you still doing here?

- I'm done with it!
- Don't make me say it again.

It's gonna get ugly.

Go!

[indistinct speech
over P.A. system]

You know, I'm really
glad we got insurance.

I haven't been to the
doctor in ten years.

Not since Spuds MacKenzie
bit me at Autorama.

Well, you tried to
take off his sunglasses.

He frickin' freaked.

I'm so scared.

What's gonna happen when we go in there?

I have no idea.

I hope the doctor's
hot like Terry Bradshaw.

[chuckles softly]

Sam Duvet.

- See ya, bud.
- Yeah.

So how much do you drink?

I'd say I'm good for about or .

Okay. or a week?

- That's not bad.
- A week? Well...

You drink or beers a day?

You're counting beers too?

Yes, of course.

Pff...

[mouthing words]

You're still counting.

Yeah, I can just do 'em like this.

- By fives?
- Yeah.

How many hot dogs do
you eat in a day, Tim?

I'd rather not answer
that. Thank you, though.

Did you eat hot dogs today?

Not exactly.

Why are you bringing this up?

Well, you have mustard on your shirt,

and frankly, your
burps reek of hot dogs.

I had a hot dog bowl earlier today.

Yes, I did.

And what is a hot dog bowl?

It's like a burrito bowl,

but it's chopped-up hot
dogs in a big old bread bowl.

So like a much larger,
less healthy hot dog?

Can I go? I'm starving.

So how is the ankle?

Oh, it's fine.

Can you tell me what these are?

Looks like you've got a Vicodin,

Lipitor, two Percocet,

half a Pepto Bismol, and a green M&M.

Why would you do that?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God.

I think I'm pregnant.

I'm late.

Ma'am, I don't think
you can have a baby.

You're telling me!

My parents would k*ll me.

Now, let's do this.

Where are the stirrups?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

I can't have a baby!

I'm a dancer!

Cheryl!

[indistinct speech over P.A. system]