Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Oh, no!
You got some car trouble?
Oh, yeah.
Every time it gets cold,
my stupid battery dies.
Gotta get a new one?
Ugh! No, that's all right.
I got one right here.
Here. Norm, close the hood.
Start walking real fast.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Hey, guys, how do I look?
Ooh! Hey!
Major spiffy!
Oh, that's right! Today's
the big day, isn't it?
Yup. Kelly's coming
back from France.
Ah! She's hopping the pond, eh?
The what?
The pond. It's a
reference to the Atlantic.
Uh, the Atlantic is an
ocean, not a pond, Dr. Crane.
How many of those have you had?
Apparently, not enough.
Boy, I am really nervous.
It seems like Kelly's
been gone a year.
How long has she been gone?
A year.
Can I put some ice
in that drink for
you, Dr. Crane?
Hey, guys!
I just put a down
payment on immortality!
Oh, yeah? What are
you talking about?
I'm s... I'm sorry.
It just slipped out.
The miracle of cryogenics.
Oh, that thing where
they freeze you?
Yeah. Go ahead, take a look.
You know, when my
number is up, uh, I'll be frozen
and preserved in
a subzero container
moments after a doctor
declares me legally brain dead.
Boy, that's a tough call.
You know, in this brochure,
the containers
look kind of small.
They don't freeze
your entire body.
No, just the brain pan.
They cut off your
head and freeze it?
Uh-huh. What do they do with
the rest of your body, throw it away?
Well, it's a start.
Cliff, uh,
this corporation
wouldn't be owned
by a dog food company, would it?
I want to get this straight. So,
when it's time for you to
thaw out, what do they do?
They, like, uh, put your
head in a plastic bag
and plop you in some boiling
water for three minutes?
Sammy!
Sammy, this is science,
not Lean Cuisine.
Hey, Clavin on ice.
That's nice.
Now, wait a minute.
Why is everybody
making fun of Cliff?
Now, I'm not
saying that I believe
that Cliff's severed head
will be brought back to life
in the year 2278
to charm and delight
a new generation of Bostonians,
but who knows?
I mean, who can
predict the future?
Hey,
look, everybody... It's
Clavin's family reunion!
That's it, I'm out of here.
I'll have real friends in 2278!
Oh, yeah.
You and the other severed
heads can go bowling or something.
Hello, Woody!
Kelly!
Boy, I've missed you, Kelly!
I've missed you, too, Woody. Ah.
I brought you a present.
It's a real French beret.
♪ Tada! ♪
Oh, wow!
It was between this one
and the one with
the arrow through it.
Oh, well, this one's nice, too.
Surprise! I got them both!
Oh!
This is gonna be fun.
This is gonna be
just like old times.
I can't wait.
So what do you feel like doing?
I don't know. What
do you feel like doing?
I don't know. What
do you feel like doing?
Gosh, this is
just like old times.
Listen, maybe Henri will
know what to do. Who?
Henri, my new best
friend from Paris.
Woody, this is Henri.
Henri, this is Woody.
Ah, Woody.
Yes, I've heard so
much about you. Yeah.
Give me 40 bucks, please.
I have to pay for the cab.
Thanks.
I'll be right back.
Kelly, that guy just
take me for 40 bucks,
kiss you twice and leave?
Woody, you're so American!
Henri is my photography teacher.
He's the greatest.
He showed me all of Paris,
taught me all about French food,
taught me not to be
ashamed of my body, and he...
he lectured me
in history and art.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
C-Can we go back
to that body thing?
Henri took some art
photographs of me.
They were very tasteful.
Now, hold on.
You-You guys aren't...
Ugh! No, of course not!
He's just here on vacation.
Sure, he's always joking
about how he's gonna
steal me away from you,
but he's only kidding.
Are you sure?
Henri, you're gonna love this.
Woody thinks you really are...
trying to steal me
away from him.
Oh...!
Oh, that's so funny.
I am, you know.
Right out from under your nose.
See how he is, Woody?
He really cracks me up.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Now, I got one for you, Henri.
Get your hands
off my girlfriend.
Henri, if you'll
excuse us a moment.
Woody, I think you were a
little rude to Henri just now.
Yeah, well, I think Henri
was a little rude, too.
He's supposed to
be rude; he's French.
I'm, uh, Sam Malone, by the way.
Oh! I've heard
about you in France.
Oh, yeah. You follow baseball?
No. Stewardesses.
Oh.
Uh, when I first came in,
I was afraid that you
were Woody, uh, but
then when I saw the real
thing, I was most relieved.
Why's that?
Heh. No competition.
I could steal Kelly
with both hands
tied behind my back.
Ooh!
Listen, Kelly's
Woody's girlfriend.
I'm sure you could have
any woman you wanted.
I know, but, uh, Kelly
is so innocent and naive.
I love to change that.
Boy, I'm kind of torn here.
I mean, Woody's
my closest friend,
but that is a real
solid argument.
You know, Woody may
surprise you there, you know.
He's, uh... looks
like a pushover,
but he's got his way with women.
Oh, no, I've been
sh*t through the head!
I've been sh*t through the head!
I'll take my chances.
Come on, Woody.
Woody, how about this one?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Henri, the guy who's
going to steal your girlfriend.
Now, Henri,
this is getting
a little tiresome.
Oh?
I'm kidding.
It's really cute.
Oh. Woody, why don't
you get us some drinks?
Three sodas, Sam.
You know, Woody,
I... I'd watch out
for that guy, if I were you.
Oh, I know he's annoying, Carla,
but Kelly swears that he's just
joking around to get my goat.
I don't think he's joking
around there, Woody.
Yeah, I don't think so, either.
I mean, the French
aren't exactly known
for their sense of humor.
What do you mean?
Well, let me put it this way:
Their, uh, comic
hero is Jerry Lewis.
What's your point?
Yeah. What's your point?
Oh, Henri, that's impossible!
No one can do that!
No. It's true.
I'll show you.
What are you guys doing?
Henri says he can
teach me to tie a knot
in a cherry stem with my tongue.
Here, uh, we'll demonstrate.
I'll be the cherry stem.
Hold it. Hold it.
That's it, frogman.
Get away from my girlfriend!
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking you're
more sophisticated than me,
and classier than me,
and smarter than me,
and that... and that you
got better hair than mine,
and that you're taller than me,
and-and you got
that strong jaw line.
What was my point?
Oh, yeah... you get out of here
before I kick your butt
back to the Eiffel Tower!
Very well.
But I do feel I
should be allowed
to say something in my defense.
Go ahead.
I'm going to steal
your girlfriend.
I can't believe Kelly
would be so mad at me
just 'cause I stood up to Henri.
It's like she's starting
to like him better than me.
Hey, Sam, you
don't think that...
maybe they've been to...
To the back of the barn?
I was gonna say to bed together.
What-What is the
back of the barn?
What does that mean?
That-That's-That's where
the compost heap is.
I can't think of any
place less romantic.
I don't think they've
slept together yet, Woody,
but I-I would be
concerned about Henri.
I mean, I know guys like this.
I mean, I am a guy like this.
Well, what can I do, Sam?
Well, how's-how's
your love life?
I mean, the physical part?
Well, I can't speak for Kelly,
but I'm looking forward to it.
You're-You're telling me
that-that you and Kelly
haven't slept together?
Well, uh, we-we did once,
when we went to see Old Gringo,
but the whole row was snoring.
Well, I... You know,
I think this may be your
problem here, Wood.
Well, I always figured
we'd wait until after
we were married.
That's-That's the way
everybody in Hanover does it.
Except for that couple that
teaches art at the high school.
I think waiting for marriage
is a wonderful idea.
I wish I had.
I also wish that I had
studied harder in college
and maybe gone
for a different career.
Maybe engineering.
And, you know,
Boston was a bad move.
And then, I mean, of course,
you can't choose
your own parents.
But if I could have, I
would have chosen two
that were more supportive,
you know, like Brian Keith
and Maureen O'Hara
in The Parent Trap.
Woody, is this helping you?
Well, even if it isn't,
just thinking about
The Parent Trap
for a moment made me feel good.
What do you think about
premarital sex, Mr. P?
Well, Wood, there's an
old saying, you know, uh...
"Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free?"
Then of course, you,
uh, you get married,
you wake up one day and realize:
"Oh, my God. I've
married a cow."
Thanks, Mr. P.
Hey, uh, Sam, what if we do it
and it becomes like a crutch,
and we rely on it for
the rest of our lives?
Well, then you
know you did it right.
But you better hurry
or Henri's gonna b*at you to it.
All right.
I'm gonna go through with it.
All right!
Yeah, right.
But if it's gonna happen,
it's gotta be wonderful.
Where can we go?
We can't go to her place,
'cause her Dad's home.
Well, then why don't
you go to a motel?
This is all second nature
to you, isn't it, Sam?
Look at him.
Walking out of here a boy,
and he's gonna come back...
a happy boy.
Everyone!
This is Dr. Eugene Eckworth,
a renowned
scientist and surgeon.
A man who not only
believes in cryogenics,
but has just performed
the procedure
you all scorned so zestfully.
Yes, I'm in the
process of transferring
one of our thermostatic
clients to a storage facility.
My good friend, Frasier,
asked me to stop by for a drink.
You-You telling me you brought
a severed head into the bar?
Oh, man, we gotta have a
policy against that, don't we?
Hey.
Don't worry, it's,
uh, it's frozen.
It's not like it's gonna
go bad or anything.
Hey, a game of pool, Gene?
You can leave the head there.
Oh, that's just fine.
Ooh, weird-looking box.
What's in there?
Um, I don't know.
Why don't you look?
Okay. No! No-no, don't do that!
There's a frozen
severed head in that thing.
Oh, give me a break, Sam.
She's right. There's
no head in there.
Then why doesn't
somebody open it?
Yeah, you're kind of in charge
of all body parts around
here, aren't you, Sam?
All right, we'll...
I'll open it up
take a quick look, see
that there's no head in there
and then I'll just shut it
up again, all right? Okay.
This...
Well?
I can't see anything in there.
Help me.
Ha! Ha! Hey!
Hey! Well, look who's
laughing now, huh?
Help me... Help me...
Ha! You guys were running
away from a tape recorder!
Cliff, I must admit
that was funny.
Thanks a lot, Gene.
No problem, Fras.
FRASIER Take care.
Hey, Doc, that was great.
Congratulations.
We make a good team, you and me.
Ah, we showed them.
Hey, how would you
like to play a trick like that
on somebody else tomorrow, huh?
Wouldn't that be great?
Lot of people I'd
like to get even with.
Guys down at the post office.
All the people in my
apartment complex.
Ma! Ooh, I'd love to nail her!
Help me!
Well, here's your room,
Mr. and Mrs. Malone.
Well, thank you.
The wife and I really enjoy
getting away from the
kids for a relaxing evening.
By the way, honey,
shouldn't we call the babysitter
and tell her there's some
chicken in the fridge?
The little woman
is a great cook.
Almost makes putting up
with the mother-in-law
worthwhile.
You two aren't married, are you?
No.
Gee, you really had me
going there for a while.
Well, this is it.
Just you and me alone together.
So, uh, what should we do first?
We could kiss.
Yeah, we've done
that lots of times.
Yeah.
Boy, I've never felt
this self-conscious
about kissing you.
My lips feel huge.
Well, they've always been full.
Really?
They feel like two
big pieces of liver
slapping together.
Oh, no, I can hardly talk.
Woody, I think we're
both a little bit nervous,
so why don't we
lie down and relax.
Okay?
Oh! Hey, this is one
of those vibrating beds.
I always wanted to try this.
Oh, darn, I dropped the quarter.
I have another quarter.
No, no, I'll get it.
I'll turn it off!
Boy, I don't know why
people like this thing.
Let me kiss your head, Woody.
Does that feel better?
Yeah, that feels a lot better.
Oh, no.
It's the manager.
He figured out
we're not married.
But, Woody, you told
him we're not married.
Then I guess it was easy
for him to piece together.
Woody, open the door!
Carla, what are you doing here?
Oh, good, you're still dressed.
Thank God I'm not too late.
I knew I would
find you guys here.
I gotta talk to you
guys before you make
what could be the worst
mistake of your lives.
What's she talking about, Woody?
I'm talking about you
two getting together
in this motel room for
all the wrong reasons.
She's talking about the
two of us getting together
in this motel room for
all the wrong reasons.
Kids...
making love...
is a very special thing
between two people.
You don't want
to throw that away
just so you can b*at some
Frenchman to the punch.
Believe me.
I came to this motel
when I was 16 years old.
You know what happened?
I got knocked up.
And, uh, here I am,
eight kids later,
trying to talk you kids
out of making the same mistake.
Carla's right.
When it happens,
it has to be special.
It has to be the most
meaningful thing
in the whole world.
You know, if... if
it were up to me,
I... I think we should wait.
You mean until we're married?
No, until I can afford a nice
room at the Four Seasons,
instead of some cheap motel.
No offense, Carla.
I know this place has
sentimental meaning to you.
Let's go.
Boy, I'm glad I
could help you guys.
Yeah, I don't know
how to thank you, Carla.
Yeah, that's okay.
See, I told you I
could get us a vacancy.
Come on, Frenchie.
Here's your big chance.
Steal me away from Woody.
Hey, Doc.
Where is everybody?
Have you seen Norm?
Well, Cliff, Norm
was pretty upset
about our little severed
head gag this afternoon.
He's been moping in
the pool room all day.
I... I don't know.
Really? Gee, uh, it
was meant to be a joke.
Hey, Norm!
Come on out here, will you?
I didn't mean to scare you.
No, let me, let me
go see if he's okay.
Oh, my God!
Cliffie!
Very funny, Fras.
Hey, I go where the thrills are.