Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Afternoon, everyone.
Woody, may I have
a beer, please?
Oh, just a second, Dr. Crane.
I'm finishing up this article in
Newsweek on genetic coding.
Do you understand it, Woody?
No. Thank God
I'm almost finished.
It says here in
Scientific American
they've isolated the
gene that causes arthritis.
What have you got there, Sam?
Ad for hair conditioner.
It says it makes
your scalp all tingly.
Oh, I'm, I'm glad to see that
you're all making an effort
to keep yourselves
informed. Yeah,
once a week or so, we do try
to keep ourselves
up on current events.
Okay, gentlemen, toss 'em in.
I got a route to finish.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
♪ I hear singing ♪
♪ And there's no one there ♪
♪ I smell blossoms ♪
♪ But the trees are bare ♪
♪ All day long ♪
♪ I seem to walk on air ♪
♪ I wonder why... ♪
Lilith, Lilith, please get him off
the damned karaoke machine.
Okay?
He's been on
there for three days.
Just make him stop.
Yeah, y-you know him
better than anybody else.
There's got to be
something you can do.
I can only think of one
thing, but it's pretty drastic.
Anything. ♪ I wonder why ♪
♪ I wonder why... ♪
♪ You don't need analyzing ♪
♪ It is not so surprising ♪
♪ That you feel very
strange but nice... ♪
Look who thinks
she's Eydie Gormé.
Eh... you know, she's got a
nice set of pipes for a shrink, huh?
Beautiful.
♪ ...just what's the matter... ♪
Hey, guys, listen up
for a second, will you?
Fellas?
Hey, Lilith!
Lilith!
Lilith, cut it, please.
♪ ...on my shoulder. ♪
Sam, what's going on?
I was enjoying that.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Always leave them wanting more.
Guys, listen up for a second.
Will you, please?
Uh, when Rebecca comes in,
she's, uh, probably not
going to be feeling too good,
so just take it easy on her.
All right?
What's the problem, Sam?
Well, she called off
the whole wedding.
Get out.
No, it's true. I went
over there last night.
I tell you, she was a real mess,
but she was clear
about one thing:
she does not love the guy
and there's no way
she's going to marry him.
Good morning, everyone!
Jonathan, thank God you're here.
I'm in such a rush.
Now, I don't have any
time for those curlers,
so you're going to
have to do your trick
with the blow-dryer.
Yeah, Sam, she's in agony.
Ordinarily, Sam, people
don't deal with depression
by putting on a wedding
dress and acting giddy.
Except maybe Clavin.
Men don't get giddy.
Yeah, right, nice.
This is crazy.
I got to go find out
what's happened.
Way back on my head
or up forward like this,
whichever way we decide.
Hi, Sam.
What are you doing?
I know, I know.
I said that I would never
have a traditional wedding,
but, you know, deep down inside,
doesn't every girl want
to get married in white?
What about all that
stuff you said last night?
What stuff? I wasn't
even here last night.
I know you weren't
here last night.
You were at your apartment.
I was there with you.
Remember? Oh,
don't be silly, Sam.
I wouldn't let anybody
in that apartment.
It's a mess.
Oh, my God, she doesn't...
you don't remember, do you?
Excuse us. We're working here.
Dear, I'll need an
extension cord for the dryer.
Oh, sure. Hey, yo, pal.
Listen, I don't care
what you're doing here.
Th-This happens to be the
most important thing that...
You use this gel?
I tried this.
It just dries my hair out.
Are you touching it during
the critical drying stage?
What do you think
I am, a rookie?
You guys, I have my
new wedding dress
and now all I need
is something old,
something borrowed,
and something blue.
How about Norm's liver?
I am almost finished with it.
Uh, Rebecca,
I'm probably way out
of line here, but, uh...
I want you to know
what a great honor
it would be for me to
sing at your wedding.
Okay.
Really? Cool!
Jonathan, I found
the extension cord.
We'll have to finish
down at City Hall.
Honey, now, wait a minute.
We were in your
apartment together.
Don't you remember?
You came on to me.
You said that you couldn't
possibly marry Robin
because in your entire life
you never had anyone
as exciting as me.
My! Someone's full of himself
on my wedding day.
Well, Sam, don't
just stand there.
Yeah, you're right; I
got to find something
to jog her memory. No, no,
you got to help me get
this machine in the car.
I've got a gig.
Test, testing.
One, two.
A-one, two, three, four.
♪ Chong-ka-ka-chong-
ka-chong-ka-chong. ♪
We're going to cook tonight.
Hello, Doc.
Yeah, boy, City Hall...
The civil servant's
home away from home.
Yeah, you know, whenever
the job gets me down, Norm,
I just come around
here and roam the halls.
Hey, pal, I thought we told
you never to come back here.
How many times we
got to throw you out?
Look, I-I'm with the wedding.
Is that true, sir?
Uh, yes, yeah, yeah, it
is... but, uh, stick around.
Oh, great, I'm not too late.
Where's Rebecca?
She's in there.
What's all this junk?
Oh, this is, uh,
just some of her stuff.
I broke into her apartment.
And you passed up her
stereo equipment for this?
Stay a bartender, Sam.
No, no, no.
No, I'm just hoping
when she sees this...
You know, smells the pizza...
That it'll help bring back
her memory about last night.
Hey... honey, Rebecca?
Hi. Sam, isn't that mine?
Yeah, you bet it is.
Here, open the pizza box.
Look at that, huh?
Some pizza with Canadian
bacon and pineapple and...
look at your robe here with
Canadian bacon and pineapple.
Huh?
Now, does this all
remind you of something?
Oh, God, oh, God,
I just remembered!
Oh, yes!
Oh, God, thank you!
Th... I thought I
was going crazy.
Yes, I remembered I
left my garter in my car.
Would you get it for me, please?
Well, sure, but...
I don't know why people
get so nutty during weddings.
Hey, compared to some
cultures, we got it easy.
Take the Wanobis
in Central Africa.
Now, there's a ceremony.
See, they get the lovebirds
and smear them with a
mixture of honey and sweet oil.
Then it's off to the anthill.
Uh, this man's bothering me.
We're talking...
Why don't you come with me, pal?
We're going to that
little room downstairs?
Yes, yes.
Hey, Rebecca, this
is... wow, nice hair.
I brought you some
samples I had in the car.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Give us a yoo-hoo
if you like them.
Honey.
Honey... Sam, where's my garter?
Oh, I sent Woody after it.
Listen, sweetheart, we've been
friends for a long time, right?
Right. I hope you
understand that what I'm doing,
I'm doing for you.
I'm doing it out of our,
our friendship over
the last four years.
I'm doing it because I care.
Okay, Sam, go ahead.
Snap out of it, will you?!
Let the fog lift here!
You said that you
didn't love the guy!
What the hell are you doing?!
Uh, Miss Howe, I couldn't
find your garter in your car,
but I did find these
jumper cables.
Woody, what am I
going to do with these?
Well, they may
not look so great,
but they, they'll probably
hold up your stockings.
Of course, they
might leave a mark.
Great, and what am I supposed
to do after the ceremony?
Throw a tire iron
to the bridesmaids?
All right, I'll be right back.
Oh, hell, I give up.
You know, do what
you want. Marry Robin.
I hope you'll be very happy,
waking up every morning to...
"Good morning, Rebecca."
Good morning, Rebecca.
Darling, I know it's bad luck
to see the bride
before the wedding, but,
well, I've, uh, lost my
fortune; I've been to prison.
What more could happen to me?
You know, I can't keep
this a secret any longer.
Do you remember the
day we first made love
and I surprised you by flying in
Bill Medley of the Righteous
Brothers to sing for you?
Of course I do.
That was a wonderful
present, Robin.
Well, I thought
it would be sweet
if, uh, I could find some
way to relive that memory
on our wedding day, and
now that I'm finally unchained...
♪ Oh... my love ♪
♪ My darlin' ♪
♪ I've hungered
for your touch... ♪
My God!
It's the other
Righteous Brother!
Bobby Hatfield.
Oh, no, no, to me
he'll always be the
other Righteous Brother.
♪ ...so slowly... ♪
I'm, uh, ready to start.
♪ And time... ♪
Who's this bozo?
I'm Bobby Hatfield.
Yes, Robin gave him
to me as a present.
He's going to sing
at my wedding.
Isn't that wonderful?
Oh.
So he's in and I'm out?
Well, fine.
Instead of my
personal gift of song,
I'll just get you a
set of steak knives.
So you can cut
out my heart again.
Young man, would you make
sure everyone gets seated?
Oh, yes, Father.
I'm not a priest.
I'm a government official.
Oh. I'm sorry, Your Honor.
No, son, that would be a judge.
I'm a Justice of the Peace.
Well, then, what
should I call you?
You can call me Ed.
Well, it looks like
I... I won't be
singing after all.
But Rebecca has
graciously invited me
to push the buttons
for Mr. Bobby Hatfield.
Let's see.
What number is
"Unchained Melody?"
U-14.
Yes, master.
♪ Oh, my love ♪
♪ My darling ♪
That's a lovely song.
♪ I hunger ♪
That's because we're
close to the speaker.
♪ For your touch... ♪
Every time I hear that song,
it reminds me of the
first time we saw Ghost.
Hey, Lilith, songs do make
you remember things, right?
Oh, most definitely.
Music is perhaps one
of the most evocative
of the associative stimuli.
♪ And I... ♪
Some fascinating
data-gathering was done in 1957
in Brussels, when the...
♪ So slowly... ♪
They always leave when I
get to the interesting part.
♪ And time... ♪
It's okay.
It's her other favorite song.
♪ We've got tonight... ♪
She sang it to
me just last night.
♪ Who needs tomorrow? ♪
♪ Let's make it last, babe ♪
♪ Let's find a way ♪
I know I've heard
this song before.
♪ Turn out the lights ♪
I just can't remember when.
♪ Come on and hold my hand ♪
It seems like it was...
♪ We got tonight, honey ♪
Oh, God!
♪ Why don't you stay? ♪
♪ Why don't you stay? ♪
♪ Turn out the light... ♪
Rebecca, this is insanity!
Open the door!
Is she ready to go
on with the ceremony?
We're on a very
tight schedule here.
I have fishing
licenses to pass out.
Uh, well, there's got to be
another key someplace, Ed.
Second floor.
Security.
Oh. You know, I just
don't understand this.
She's always seemed
so stable before.
Did you two ever really talk?
Hey, guy, what's,
uh... what's going on?
Did I miss much?
Uh, no, not much.
Looks like the
wedding might be off.
What are you talking about?
After I spent all that
time tying tin cans
to the back of Robin's car
and spraying it
with shaving cream,
tying toilet paper to it?
Robin doesn't have a car.
Oh.
It just irritates me.
I mean, I was all ready
to sing at this wedding,
and then you walk in the door.
Well, naturally, you're
the better singer.
You're a professional.
Well, I'd be willing to bet
that I'm a better
psychiatrist than you are.
Really?
Uh, how long have
you felt this way?
Then again, I could be wrong.
Boy, I could sure go
for a taste of this cake.
We really don't need this
congratulations anymore.
No.
Not if they're not
getting married. Hey.
Wow, we've really kind of
made a mess of this top part here.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, well, we'll just
take out the whole layer.
Okay. CARLA: Yeah!
Are you ready to go
on with the ceremony?
No. Not yet.
I need to work a few things out.
I-I need somebody to talk to.
Anybody.
I-I... I really need some help!
Not Paul!
I can't help somebody who
doesn't want to be helped.
You okay, honey?
No. I need time to think.
I have to talk to
somebody about this.
I-I need to talk to somebody
so they can help me figure
out what my problem is.
Did you try talking to Paul?
No, I did not talk to Paul!
Well, he's always helped me.
He's got a super
outlook on life.
You know,
when I heard that
song starting to play,
suddenly, it all
came back to me.
Everything that
I said last night.
Oh! Oh, God, Sam!
Why is this happening to me?!
Because you don't love him.
I know. I did love him.
Well, m-maybe you loved
him when he was rich,
but that's different now.
What?! What are you saying?
Are you saying that I
only cared about Robin
when he had money?
Well, it's the truth, isn't it?
How dare you tell me
that I only loved
him for his money!
I am not that shallow.
I am not that superficial.
I am not that creepy!
You think that I only
loved him for his money.
Well, you are wrong, buster,
and I'm gonna prove it.
Robin! Ed! Bobby!
Hit it!
♪ Oh, my love... ♪
Cliff, let's try to put
the cake back together.
Forget the cake.
How are we going to get
these presents re-wrapped?
♪ Hunger for your touch ♪
♪ A long lonely time... ♪
Under the bylaws
of the Massachusetts Fish
and Game Commission...
Oops.
Sorry.
That's... that's all right, Ed.
We've, um... We've
prepared our own vows.
Oh. Go ahead.
Shall I compare thee
to a Summer's day?
Thou art more lovely
and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake
the darling buds of May
and Summer's lease
have all too short a stay:
Sometime too hot the
eye of heaven doth shine,
and often is his gold
complexion dimmed;
And every fair from
fair sometime declines,
by chance or nature's
changing course untrimmed;
But thy eternal
Summer shall not fade,
nor lose possession
of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag
thou wanderest in his shade
when in eternal lines
to time thou owest:
As long as men can breathe
or eyes can see,
so long lives this,
and this gives life to thee.
R-Rebecca?
I only loved you for your money.
I'm hateful.
I am the most awful person
that I have ever met in my life.
I don't deserve to live.
Carla, what am I gonna do?
You could throw
yourself into the Charles.
I don't think so.
How about heaving yourself
off the Prudential Building?
That's a 52-story drop.
You hit the pavement,
they'll be scraping
you up with a spatula,
just like they do
in the cartoons!
Oh!
You know, Paul was right.
You can't help somebody
who doesn't want to be helped.
Aw, honey.
Sweetheart?
I-I know it's been a
hell of a day for you,
and we all really
feel bad for you,
but there's just one more thing.
What?
Well, it's kind of a good
news-bad news thing.
Oh. What's the bad news?
Well, the bad news is
Robin's outside, and
he wants to talk to you.
Oh, my God.
What's the good news?
I lied about the good news.
Will you see him?
Hey, will you look at that!
Your hair still
retained its bounce!
I mean, that's
something, isn't it?
Rebecca?
What's going on?
Have I done something wrong?
Oh, no. Robin, it's not you.
It's me.
I don't understand.
Oh, I can't say
this to your face.
Please turn around.
Oh, gee, you've got a cute butt.
Robin, I can't say
this to your butt.
Turn around again.
I don't love you, Robin.
When did this happen?
Well,
near as I can figure,
about the time they sealed
your safe deposit box.
But I thought you were the one
who didn't care about my money.
I thought you were the one
who was going to stand by me.
I thought I was your sweet baby.
No.
You was my rich baby.
All right, so,
you loved me for my money.
Well, what if I were to tell you
that I had $6
million stashed away
in a money belt
before my arrest?
Now, would that
make any difference?
No.
No, it wouldn't.
I see.
Well...
What's that?
$6 million.
Farewell, Rebecca.
Honey, I hope you don't
mind, but I was listening outside.
I can't believe you
turned down all that cash!
You're changing, honey.
That was the bravest
thing I've ever seen you do!
I thought he was bluffing,
Sam!
Just let me go!
No! No!
No!