Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Watch this. Okay...
What do you got, Wood?
Watch closely as I remove
my own index finger.
Uh-huh.
It's something I
learned from my uncle,
only when I do it, it's a trick.
Eh?
Uh, not bad but, uh,
I think Cliffy's still
ahead on points here.
And in what sophomoric activity
are you gentlemen involved now?
Our first annual tricks
with digits exhibition!
Of all the pointless
wastes of human energy.
Frasier's right.
You could sit here until
the end of time doing your
silly little finger tricks,
but none of you will
ever be able to top this.
Wow, she's right.
The king is dead.
Long live the queen!
NORM: Yes and she's writing!
She's going for bonus points.
CLIFF: What's it say?
"My fist is stuck. Call 911."
FRASIER: Come on, hon.
You know, this happens to her
more often than you'd think.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
How am I supposed to
make a drink around here?
We're out of gin, vermouth,
cherries and lime juice.
We gotta get into
that storeroom.
We can't.
Sam said to substitute.
Okay.
Here you go.
What the hell is this?
It's clam juice.
I wanted a martini.
I wanted to be Princess
Carla of Monaco.
Drink it!
Sorry,
Mr. Krapence.
We can't get into the
office or the storeroom
because Miss Howe
locked herself in
since she decided not
to marry Mr. Colcord.
She's still in there.
She's still in the gown.
She won't talk to anybody.
Doesn't move. Doesn't eat.
Gee, that's awful.
I really wanted a martini.
Greetings all!
A pint of lager,
my good publican!
I'm of a Dickensian
spirit today.
I've just come from the
Antiquarian Book Fair,
where I managed to luck
into a handsomely bound
first edition of Charles
Dickens' Tale of Two Cities.
Wow!
If you don't mind my asking,
how much does something
like this cost, Dr. Crane?
Well, uh, Woody, money
isn't really the issue,
but, uh, around $1,200.
(scoffs, snickers)
1,200 bucks?
Got something to
show you, Dr. Crane.
It's called a library card.
Thank you for the advice, Woody.
Now may I have a scotch
on the rocks, please?
Okeydoke!
That'll be around 1,200 bucks.
Oh, Frasier, you know,
it's a good thing you're here
because we gotta
think of some way
to get that crazy
lady out of the office.
It's been two days.
Well, I realize that you're
concerned about Rebecca
and that you all look to me
as the solver of all
problems personal,
but, in this case, I have
to throw up my hands.
I mean, there's a limit
to what even I can do.
And we also know how you pout
when we don't ask you.
Well... fine.
Maybe I'll just go home.
Okay!
I've got the tool box here.
I'm gonna get Rebecca
out of that office right now.
Rebecca!
I've got a screwdriver here!
I'm gonna take that doorknob off
and I'm gonna
open the door here.
Rebecca, I got a
Phillips head by mistake,
but I'm gonna...
I'm putting that down and
I'm picking up a flathead,
and then I'm gonna
take that doorknob off.
Rebecca, I don't
have a flathead,
but I have one of
those putty things
and I'm gonna put it...
Damn!
Okay, Rebecca, I just punctured
my thumb with that, uh...
putty thing and I'm gonna
go get a tetanus sh*t,
then I'm...
coming back here and
taking that doorknob off.
Here's a Band-Aid.
Hey, hey, guys! Rebecca!
Hey! Rebecca's out.
REBECCA: No, no.
Don't say Rebecca.
Don't call me Rebecca.
Rebecca doesn't
live here anymore.
Rebecca d*ed two days ago.
Oh! So that's what that is.
Whoof!
I'm telling you,
a woman should
never sweat in taffeta.
Have a seat. Come on.
Thank you.
Wow.
I've never sat here before.
Here I am, sitting
on this stool,
knowing my life is a mess.
I have no future, and...
I'm a totally hopeless failure.
Yeah. Try it with beer nuts.
It is all my fault.
I mean, I got what I deserve.
And now I'm alone.
I... I have nothing
and I'm just a,
you know, worthless,
shallow person.
I'm telling you, try
it with the beer nuts.
Rebecca...
I realize you haven't sought
my professional advice, but
I think it's time to
get some perspective,
take a look at yourself.
Splash some water on your
face and get a fresh start.
I'd like to, Frasier,
but I seem to have
lost the will to move.
I just want to sit here
for the rest of my life.
Geez, maybe it's the stool.
Come on, Miss Howe.
Woody...
have you ever
had your whole life
cave in on you all of a sudden?
No, but I have had
a cave cave in on me
all of a sudden.
You know, at the risk
of sounding insensitive,
I'm... I'm glad she's
getting out of here.
Her walking around
in that wedding dress
was just a tad too
"Miss Havisham" for me.
Who? Miss Havisham.
Famous character
from Charles Dickens'
Great Expectations.
Spends the entire novel
walking around in
her wedding dress.
What?! Yes.
Well, surely you know it.
It's Great Expectations.
Pip? Miss Havisham?
Magwich?
And, uh... and four...
pizza-loving turtles
who practice martial
arts in the sewer.
Oh, cowabunga, dudes!
CLIFF: You know,
there's a lot of
people don't realize
that that was a
comic book first.
I'm gonna go for a drive, Sam.
SAM: Oh, yes, sweetheart.
That's a good idea. You
know, get some fresh air.
Take all the time
you want. Thank you.
Where did she get those clothes?
WOODY: Hey, Sam, could
you dig some clothes out
of lost and found?
Here you go.
Woody, come on out
here. Let's take a look.
Hey, Sam, how long
did you say these clothes
have been in the lost and found?
I don't know... A
while, I guess. Why?
(laughing)
Is that Woody Boyd?
Or is that Keith Partridge?!
When is Miss Howe getting
back with my real clothes?
I can't go out like this.
I mean, I know it
was the '70s and all,
but who would dress in
anything this dumb-looking?
Those duds look familiar.
"Property of C. Clavin."
Deep inside, didn't
we all know that?
(laughing)
These are your
clothes, Mr. Clavin?
Yeah, I guess.
Well, how'd they end
up in the lost and found?
How did they end up in there?
Well, it was the '70s,
(chuckles): and I was a swinger.
Uh-oh.
I had some good times
in those rags, Woody.
Cliff, we don't want to
hear about it, please.
Huh? Oh, it was great.
You know, hey, the disco scene,
grooving.
Ixnay, Cliff.
Yeah, it was a
great decade, huh?
Hot-tubbing every night.
I got rolfed.
WOODY: Oh.
Please stop, Mr. Clavin.
Oh, now I remember
how I lost those clothes.
Oh, don't say it; don't say it.
I was streaking!
Oh! I knew it!
I knew he was gonna say it!
Of course, I was about
three pounds lighter then.
FRASIER: Woody...
I think it was a great sacrifice
for you to give your
clothes to Rebecca.
It puts me in mind
of another novel by my
favorite British author.
You know who I mean.
I'll give you a hint.
Charles...?
In Charge?
(laughs)
Are you people
really this ignorant
or do you just do
this to t*rture me?
Uh, sometimes the
two go hand-in-hand.
All right.
Gather around, everyone.
I am going to right
a horrible wrong.
I am going to read to
you Dickens' classic,
A Tale of Two Cities,
and you will see
just how much fun
great literature can be.
(all groaning)
FRASIER: "Book the First.
It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."
Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Which was it?
Just stay tuned, Norm.
"It was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness.
It was the epoch of belief, it
was the epoch of incredulity."
Boy, this Dickens
guy really liked
to keep his butt
covered, didn't he?
"There was a king
with a large jaw,
"and a queen with a plain face,
"on the throne of England.
"And... and..."
"and there was a
bloodthirsty clown,
"who beckoned innocent
children into the sewer,
and swallowed them whole."
Ah!
That's a neat trick.
(phone ringing)
Wait-wait-wait a
minute, Fras, wait there.
Yeah, Cheers. What?
Hey... uh... Rebecca!
Where are you calling
from? I can barely hear you.
30,000 feet over Pittsburgh.
What?
I thought you were
just going for a drive.
I did. I drove to the airport.
Listen,
will you tell Woody
that I left his car
outside the United terminal.
Or American.
It doesn't really
make any difference.
They all tow them to
the same place anyway.
Sam, is that Miss Howe?
Ask her if she has my wallet.
I need my driver's license.
Actually, you don't have to
worry about that right now, Wood.
What are you doing?
Where are you going?
I'm-I'm going home
to San Diego, Sam.
I want to try and forget Boston.
I want to erase the last
three years of my life.
It's been five, Rebecca.
Has it been that long?
Hey, Sam, does
she have my wallet?
You still have Woody's
wallet, don't you?
Yeah, sure, how do you
think I'm paying for this call?
Hell, how do you think
I'm paying for this flight?
Yeah, she still has it.
Honey, listen to me.
You can't run away from
your problems like this.
Sam, Sam, look, the
only reason I called
was to say good-bye and
thank you for everything.
It's really meant a
lot to me. Bye-bye.
Oh, miss, did you
remember your credit card?
Oh, yeah, thanks.
I'm gonna need this.
I need to buy a whole new
wardrobe when we land.
I'm gonna be good to myself.
As we recall...
from Monday's installment
of A Tale of Two Cities,
Sydney Carton was
about to go to the guillotine
and sacrifice himself.
The guillotine...
Slice that neck.
(laughing)
"When suddenly, an
Apache att*ck chopper
"hovered above the guillotine,
pumping hot lead
into the crowd."
Get them Frogs, huh?
"As Darnay climbed
into the chopper,
"sweat streaming from
his bloodstained headband,
"he could be heard to mutter,
"'It is a far, far
better thing I do
"'than I have ever done.
"'It is a far, far better...
"'butt-kicking I give...
than I have ever butt-kicked.'"
All right. Whoa!
What a book, huh?
Yeah, that was
great, great, Fras.
What, uh, what are you
going to read to us next?
Well, I was thinking about,
uh, David Copperfield.
What's that about?
Well, it's about these, uh...
two coppers, and this... field,
um... and they're found...
dismembered with
their body parts switched.
CARLA: Man...!
Man, that Dickens
is one sick dude.
Have any of you guys
heard from Rebecca yet?
Normie. Turn on the
game, will you, Sam?
No, no, no, come
on, let's, uh...
Let's give her a call here.
I got her parents' number here.
Let's just tell her
that, you know,
we're thinking about
her and that we care.
Ah, hell, it's her
parents' machine.
I hate these things.
I never know what to say.
Hi. This is Sam from Cheers.
Uh, this message is for Rebecca.
Um, hi, Rebecca.
We just wanted to
find out if you're okay,
and tell you that
we all miss you,
and I love you,
and I hope that...
Oh, oh, Sam. Wh-What?
You love her?
No. No, I-I didn't say that.
Hold on a second.
No, I didn't say that.
No, no, I said-I said we
miss her and we love her.
You said we miss
her and you love her.
Yeah, but it was implied
that you miss her, too.
Well, sh**t.
I-I-I don't want her to get
the wrong impression here.
Uh, hi, Rebecca, listen,
when I said that I love you,
you know I didn't
mean love love.
I, uh, you know, I meant
more like a friend, you know,
a buddy, a pal, uh,
like a partner, you know.
Like the two cops
in David Copperfield.
Okay, honey?
Well, anyway, bye-bye.
Wait, no... Wait, hold on.
That was a little cold.
Yeah, you know,
listen, she's, uh, she's
feeling kind of low.
You can't just kick her when
she's down like that. Yeah.
Sweetheart, when-when I
said that I love you, you know,
I meant that you're a-a
very important part of my life,
you know, along with
a lot of other people.
It-it's, uh, you know,
it's like my-my life
is this big jigsaw puzzle,
and you are a
very important part.
You know, like a
corner piece, huh?
All right.
Hold on. Oh...
I think the guys want to say
something here. Go ahead.
GUYS: Sammy loves you.
Hey, any of you guys tried that
new steak house on Commonwealth?
No.
It's the greatest.
Beautiful waitresses in
tiny little wench outfits.
Yeah? What did you have?
Beautiful waitress in
a tiny little wench outfit.
I'm going back, too.
Dr. Crane, when are you going
to read us some more Dickens?
(chanting): Dickens, Dickens,
Dickens. LILITH: Oh, well.
Frasier, I'm impressed.
It seems your experiment
in cultural enrichment
has been a success.
Yep. We're waiting for Oliver
Twist: The Wrath of Fagin.
Excuse me?
Darling, I've done some
things the past few weeks
I'm not very proud of.
Just leave it alone.
sh**t, sh**t, sh**t.
Hey, guys...
listen to this.
(recorder beeps)
Sam, this is Rebecca.
I got your message.
Hearing your voice
made me realize
what I'm missing
in my life, and...
and I was such a fool
not to have seen it before.
My plane lands
at midnight tonight,
and I'm coming straight
to the bar to see you.
So will you please,
please wait for me?
(beep)
(snickering)
What am I gonna do?
I mean, do you think that
she's coming back here
because I left that
message on her machine?
Yeah.
Hey, will you be serious
here for a minute?
Just once I'd like to have
a serious conversation
in this damn bar.
Okay. Fine. Mm-hmm.
Do you really think
that she's rushing back
because I said I love you?
Mm, yeah.
What do you know.
I'm gonna talk to somebody who
knows something around here.
What do you think?
You're dead meat on a stick.
No, I'm not dead
meat on a stick.
You know, and even
if she does think that,
I've handled lots of
love-crazed babes
who want to become
Mrs. Sam Malone.
I got dozens of
ways of handling that.
You know, even if
they all don't work,
I still have Plan Z.
What's, uh, Plan Z there, Sam?
Never you mind.
It's pretty drastic, I'll admit,
but I'll use it if I have to.
SAM: I-I...
I don't want the same
woman hanging onto me
for the rest of my life.
I mean, can you imagine how
creepy that would be, Frasier?
I'll... answer that
question another time.
Okay, Leon, you
just wait outside there
and come running in when
you see the lights flash.
Right.
Carla, Sammy will not tell us.
What is this Plan Z?
I'll tell you everything I
know for 20 bucks each.
All right.
It's called Plan Z.
When Sammy flashes the lights,
this guy Leon comes
in and executes it.
Okay, well, what...
what is Plan Z?
Beats me.
I didn't know that
much two minutes ago.
Give me the money.
I think it was worth it.
Oh, yeah.
Sam, it seems to me
you're going through an
awful, awful lot of machinations
to avoid dealing honestly
and directly with Rebecca.
Well, that's me, you
know, always thinking.
Besides, you know, I don't think
we're gonna have to use Plan Z here.
I mean, what are
we talking about?
We're talking about Rebecca.
I mean, what's the
worst she can do?
Sam.
I hope you're ready to
change your life, because I am.
Ah...
Can you excuse me
just a second here, hon?
Sam, why are you
flashing the lights?
Oh, you know, it's just
kind of to welcome you back.
You know like, three
cheers, hey, Rebecca's back.
Rebecca's back.
REBECCA: Sam,
get over here, quit being silly.
I have to ask you
something really important.
Will you sell me this bar?
No. What?
Cheers... I want to buy Cheers.
Running this place was the
only time I ever felt like somebody.
You know, people
looked up to me.
Who?
You mean you didn't come
back here to marry Sam?
Marry Sam?!
No, why would you think that?
You didn't think that, did you?
sh**t, no.
That's why you've been
doing all this weird stuff.
Because you think I came
back here to marry you?
What weird stuff?
I can't keep living a lie, Sam.
No, no, no, Leon.
Sam is my lover.
Boy, you...
you really did think
I was after you.
REBECCA: I can't believe this.
You are a wussy
little fraidy cat.
I'm not a wussy
little fraidy cat.
Oh, then this is real?
You and Leon are lovers.
Well, why don't you
give Leon a kiss then?
Because we've been
together for 14 years,
and we're no longer
demonstrative.
You know, the, uh,
the spark's gone.
I'm sorry, Leon.
I probably should have
said something sooner.
No, no, no, Sam, you
can't have it both ways.
You either give Leon a kiss...
on his lips...
or you admit that you are
a wussy little fraidy cat.
Sammy, don't let
her make you look like
a wussy little fraidy cat.
I'm not a wussy
little fraidy cat.
(Carla meowing)
What are we supposed to think?
Sorry about that, Leon.
You realize I'm gonna have
to slug you in the face now.
I wish you would.
(Cliff and Norm groaning)
We, uh, still on for
golf on Thursday?
Yeah, you bet, Leon.
Great.
Oh, ow...
That hurt.
Sammy, look at you.
Your nose is bleeding.
Your eye is starting to swell.
And you just kissed a man.
But you're not a
wussy little fraidy cat.
NORM: You ain't
afraid. No, not Sammy.
NORM: Good boy.
Good, Sam. You know,
in the space of
the last 30 seconds,
we have witnessed
deceit, sexual turmoil
and sudden, senseless v*olence.
It puts me in mind
of a passage from...
The Pickwick Papers.